Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

A Russian, a Jamaican, an American, and a Mexican were on a rafting expedition together.

 

Mid river, the Russian pulled out a huge bottle of Stolichnaya, took a swig, and threw it overboard. “Hey, what the <deleted>.  Why did you do that?” blurted out the American.

 

“We have so much vodka in Russia that we can afford to waste it,” explained the Russian cheerfully.

 

A few miles downstream the Jamaican took out a huge bag full of marijuana, rolled a giant joint, took a few puffs, and tossed it overboard.

 

“Jesus, that stuff’s expensive,” bellowed the American. “What’d you do that for?”

 

“In Jamaica, weed grows everywhere, mon,” said the Jamaican with a grin. “We can afford to waste it.”

 

The American suddenly smiled at the Mexican! 

 

“Don’t even think about it,” the Mexican said.

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

A: Give him a sheet of music.

 

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

A: For fingering A minor.

 

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?

A: A music critic.

 

Q: What is the difference between a street guitarist and a Savings Bond?

A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

 

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?

A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

 

Q: Did you hear about the farmer who played guitar out in his cornfield?

A: It was music to his ears.

 

Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?

A: A music critic.

 

Q: Why did the rock star put his guitar in the fridge?

A: Because he wanted to play cool music.

　

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a guitar?

a: a chicken that makes music when you pluck it!

 

A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be a guitarist."

His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

　

Q: What do you call a bunch of guitarists in a hot tub?

A: Vegetable soup.

 

Q: Did you hear about the guitar player that was stressed?

A: He was strung out!

　

Q: What does a guitar and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

　

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

 

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

 

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

 

 

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?　

　

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings.　

　

What’s Beethoven doing now?

Decomposing!

 

When the orchestra began playing (badly) Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet overture , a woman noticed tears beginning to run down the cheeks of the elderly man she was seated next to. Before long he was sobbing outright, so she turned to him and said gently, "You must be an incurable romantic."

 

 

"Not at all," he gulped. "I’m a musician."

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

How about the dumb guy who was sent up into space with a monkey?

 

The first day a red light went on and the monkey took down all the instrument readings.

 

The second day a red light went on and the monkey took out his laptop and made all the appropriate calculations.

 

On the third day a green light went on.

 

"What do I do now?" asked the dumb guy.

 

"Feed the monkey," said a little voice from earth.

[scottiejohn]

The first astronaut to land on Mars was delighted to come across a beautiful Martian woman stirring a huge pot over a campfire.

"Hi there," he said casually. "What’re you doing?"

"Making babies," she explained, looking up with a winsome smile.

 

Horny after the long space voyage, the astronaut decided to give it a shot. "That’s not the way we do it on earth," he informed her.

 

"Oh, really?" The Martian woman looked up from her pot with interest. "How do your people do it?"

 

"Well, it’s hard to describe," he conceded, "but I’d be glad to show you."

 

"Fine," agreed the lovely Martian maiden, and the two proceeded to make love in the glow of the fire. When they were finished, she asked, "So where are the babies?"

 

"Oh, they don’t show up for another nine months," explained the astronaut patiently.

 

"So why did you stop stirring?"

[scottiejohn]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is now barred from the church.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed looking around. I told him that I wanted to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off and said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said,

 

 

"Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

 

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing a tiny bra barely covering her modesty. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."

 

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

 

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string.  Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

 

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

 

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the tiny bra and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked,

 

"Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

 

 

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."

[scottiejohn]

 

Not my views of course!

Edited June 21, 2017 by scottiejohn
added disclaimer

[scottiejohn]

 

A married couple was on holiday in Tunisia. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arab accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

 

The Tunisian man said to the man, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great he desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the Arab man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he thought he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

 

The salesman replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the salesman, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's robes.

 

 

All the time the Tunisian salesman was screaming, "you have them on the wrong feet you have them on the wrong feet"

　

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

This is getting to be a real pain, I can't copy and paste pictures here, I have to save and choose files. Anyone else with this problem? 

[scottiejohn]

44 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

This is getting to be a real pain, I can't copy and paste pictures here, I have to save and choose files. Anyone else with this problem? 

That is the only way I know of posting Pics here.  Text you can copy & paste, as usual elsewhere.

[Rob13]

Edited June 21, 2017 by Rob13

[Rob13]

56 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

This is getting to be a real pain, I can't copy and paste pictures here, I have to save and choose files. Anyone else with this problem?

Just copy the image and paste it directly in the post. Working OK here.

 

Edited June 21, 2017 by Rob13

[scottiejohn]

 

I've just tried direct copy & paste and it worked this time.  Just closed the "X" against "not formatted"!

I have tried to copy and paste before with no joy but this time it worked.  Saves time if I don't need to edit!

 

 

EDIT

Have had to come back in and edit the "proportions/shape" (it went very long and thin".  It does not do that with save/choose file-probably to do with the "formatting" question it asks.  I'll stick to my old way unless any further thoughts!

 

 

Edited June 21, 2017 by scottiejohn
see EDIT comments

[Rob13]

5 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Just closed the "X" against "not formatted"!

Works for videos too. Copy the url and paste.

 

 

[scottiejohn]

 

Just did an experiment with the 'why I wash my fruit" post (previous page done as cut and paste but had to re-edit.)  Reposted it using "choose files and the quality was way much better with no need to edit.  Have gone back in to edit and remove my second copy of the same post and substituted the meme above.  I think I will stick with the "choose files" options.

Edited June 21, 2017 by scottiejohn
see comments

[riceyummm]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

That is the only way I know of posting Pics here.  Text you can copy & paste, as usual elsewhere.

Until the last "upgrade" copy and paste worked fine for me. "Stay signed in" is not working either,  I have to sign in every time now.

[riceyummm]

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