Worst Joke Ever

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Did you know they won't be making yard sticks any longer?

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[owl sees all]

The wife gave me a great BJ.

"Where did you learn such skill love?"

"From my mum!" She replied.

"And where did she learn the smoking skill love?"

"From my Grandma!" She replied.

"How did Grandma learn fellatio love?"

A frown! I thought the posh word had stumped her; but no!!

She replied. "From me!!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 21, 2017 by owl sees all

[owl sees all]

Walking Street crackdown.

 

Close before 3am.

No persons under 20 years of age allowed

No drugs

No prostitution

No guns, knives and weapons

[chickenslegs]

A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: “Ma’am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding”.
The woman answers: “Oh no, officer, I don’t have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk.”.

The officer replies: “That is serious. Give me the car’s registration forms, please”.

The woman answers: “Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way”.

The cop is amazed and immediately calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.

When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.

The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the chief says: “Ma’am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it”.

The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.

The surprised cheif says: “Can i also see your driving-licence?”.

The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.

The chief says: “Well, i’m soory ma’am, i don’t know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn’t have a licence”.

The woman smiles and says: “bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding, didn’t he?”…

Edited June 21, 2017 by chickenslegs

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost.  One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter."  The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

As the rock was already flying out the window he quickly jumped out after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying,

 

 

"Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

Edited June 22, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

I think all cars should have car phones in them and their license plates should be their phone numbers. So you can call ’em up and tell ’em to get the hell out of the way.

　

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

　

Why do Native Americans and Aborigines hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

　

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.

　

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

　

What were the blonde's first words after 4 years of University?

"Would you like fries with that?"

　

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

　

Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc, and Florence Nightingale? Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

　

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

　

"I had to stop seeing my girlfriend, the biologist," a guy told his friend.

"Why?"

"I couldn’t take it anymore," he said. "She kept trying to expose me to different cultures."

　

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.

　

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.

　

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

　

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"　

　

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

 

The devil leads him to the first room where an old man is tied to a wall and is being whipped by an equally old man . The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a diseased ridded old man getting blown by a beautiful naked woman.

 

"I choose this room!" the man says.

 

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

 

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

[scottiejohn]

If nobody else will post!

 

[scottiejohn]

 

　

　

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

 

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

　

Q: What's the height of conceit?

A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

　

Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

　

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says,

"You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies,

"How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

　

What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts.

 

Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"

Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?"

Woman: "I had to help him."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The woman was more than a little upset when her car stalled in the middle of the main street, and even more so when no amount of cajoling could get it started again.

 

As the light turned from red to green a third time and the car still failed to respond, the honking of the fellow in the car behind her grew even more insistent.

 

Finally the woman got out and walked over to his door.

"Excuse me, sir," she said politely, "if you’d like to help out by trying to get my car started yourself, I’ll be glad to sit here and honk your horn for you."

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2017 by scottiejohn