Worst Joke Ever

[chickenslegs]

Today is Dave's birthday, so his wife decides to surprise him, she takes him to a Strip Club. 

 

At the club -

 

DOORMAN: Hey Davey boy. How are you? ????

 

WIFE: How does he know you? ????

 

Dave: We play golf together! ????

 

BARTENDER: The usual beer Dave? ????

 

WIFE: And how does he know you? ????

 

Dave: He's on the Bowling Team! ????

 

HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, David?

 

The Wife storms out...... dragging Dave with her, into a taxi! ???? ????

 

TAXI DRIVER: Hey Davey boy .... You picked an ugly one this time ... Same Hotel? ???????? ????????????

 

Tomorrow is David's funeral...

 

[chickenslegs]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

[chickenslegs]

A Catholic priest used to keep chickens at his church.

One evening , a cock from his flock went missing.

So, at evening mass the priest asked "Who has a cock?"
All the men stood up

Priest : "No , I mean , who has seen a cock?"
All the women stood up

Priest : " No, no , I mean , who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"
Half the congregation stood up

Priest : "For Heavens sake , who has seen my cock?"
*All the choir boys stood up ...*
 

[chickenslegs]

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex.

He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out.

The boy replied, "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
 

[radiochaser]

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

 

 After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem."

 

 The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

 "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"

 

 "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

 

 

Pancakes?  It was those pancakes I had to eat every damn morning when I was a kid?  

 

I wonder, if start eating them again if it will still work?

 

[wayned]

31 minutes ago, radiochaser said:

 

 

Pancakes?  It was those pancakes I had to eat every damn morning when I was a kid?  

 

I wonder, if start eating them again if it will still work?

 

Most likely have to use rubber bands and a wooden splint!

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

What do you call a rooster staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad..

 

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beet..

 

When you are gay in your house with nobody else in, are you homolone?

 

Wife just throw a bottle of milk at me.. how dairy..

[bluesofa]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An Ode Entitled “I have outlived my pecker”.

(So funny and sad but eventually true!) 

My n*okie days are over, 
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now just my water spout.
Time was when. on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job,
To find the <deleted> thing.
It used to be embarrassing.
The way it would behave.
For every single morning.
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang it's little head.
And watch me dry my toes. 

 

 

Not sure If I have posted before (apologies if I have)

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
 
Fast way to mess up someone’s Knock Knock joke?
“It’s open.”

 

I bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

 
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young ones.

  

 I tried to get life insurance, but they laughed and said you need a life for that.

 

Don’t you hate it when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s now really Hans free.
 

[scottiejohn]

 

 

(Hint for non Yorkshire persons;  say slowly as E - JACK - U - LATE)

[scottiejohn]

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?”

To which the man replies, “Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”

Peter says, “That’s a good question, I will be back when I have the answer.”

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is.

Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, “OK, I’ve found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together.” The couple responds by saying, “We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don’t work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”

 

To which Peter replies, “Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
 

[scottiejohn]

[Beachcomber]

23 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

An Ode Entitled “I have outlived my pecker”.

(So funny and sad but eventually true!) 

My n*okie days are over, 
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now just my water spout.
Time was when. on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job,
To find the f**ing thing.
It used to be embarrassing.
The way it would behave.
For every single morning.
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang it's little head.
And watch me dry my toes. 

 

 

Not sure If I have posted before (apologies if I have)

The Penis Poem written by Willie Nelson 

[vogie]

A mother watching the news spotted a giraffe in the background.

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I love some fat mama's and grand mama's but I also like the jokes about them!

 

 

Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t need the internet! She is already worldwide.

Yo mama’s got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in a jail.
Yo mamma’s so fat that when she went on Myspace there was no space left for anybody else!
Yo mamma’s so ugly, Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mamma’s so fat her shadow’s got mass. (And she’s not even a catholic!)
Yo mamma’s so poor and fat, when she goes to the park, ducks throw bread at her.
Yo mamma’s so stupid when I said I lost my mind, she went looking for it.
Yo mamma’s so fat when she put on Guess jeans, the answer popped out.
Yo mamma’s so stupid, she thought LGBT was a sandwich.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

MA PA & KID CONFUSION

Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him. 
"Daddy, daddy, what's sex?" asks the boy. 
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act, having babies -- in fact he does a pretty good job of covering every aspect.

Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how oddly his son is looking at him. 
"Why did you want to know?" he asks. 

"Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs." 

 

PS:  for the BRITS.  The dinner meal was not "Toad in the hole"!
 

[chickenslegs]

When all else fails - tell some Mother-in-Law jokes ...

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law.

 

Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss "Certainly not!" Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

 

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won’t leave him alone. His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay more to the left." After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

[chickenslegs]

From the late, great, Les Dawson ...

 

I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

 

Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.'

 

I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

 

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

 

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

 

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

 

She's so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks.

 

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

 

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

 

I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'

 

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

 

My grandfather made money out of the slave trade .... he sold my grandmother.

 

I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

 

I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?'

 

I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.

 

I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.'

 

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistletoe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent.

 

In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

 

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

 

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

 

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

[chickenslegs]

“My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.”

[chickenslegs]

“Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time.”

[chickenslegs]

“I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?”

 

Peter Kaye.

[chickenslegs]

“I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

 

Tommy Cooper

[chickenslegs]

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows - it’s never been done before.

 

Ken Dodd