Worst Joke Ever

[warfie]

JEWISH DIVORCE...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irving." All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.

Her mother says, You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion You drive a $350,000 Ferrari, You get $3,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away... Over 45 cents???"

[warfie]

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything

you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at

him.”

The vet picks the dog up and has a good

look at his eyes. “Well,” says the vet, “I’m

going to have to put him down.”

“What?” says the man in disbelief. “Because

he’s crosseyed?”

“No,” replies the vet. “Because he’s

heavy.”

[warfie]

I went to the horse track the other day, and not really having any knowledge about horses I just looked through the names to pick which one I should bet on. I decided on a horse named Perfect Gentleman. The race began and Perfect Gentleman took off out of the blocks running in first the whole race. With the finish line just feet ahead of him, Perfect Gentleman suddenly stopped and said " After you, I insist."

[warfie]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.

He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he knew it

wasn’t at all ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with

their patients so its not like you’re the first...". This made the doctor feel a

little bit better until still another voice in his head said,

"... but they probably weren’t veterinarians"

[warfie]

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his coc

k will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"

The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

[warfie]

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Fcuked if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my Mum screamed, my Dad had a heart attack, and the boy next-door killed himself."

[warfie]

A lucky guy had three girlfriends on the

go but wasn’t sure which one to settle

down with. So he decided to give each one

£500 to see how they spent it. The first

girlfriend went out and got a total

makeover with the money. She bought herself

clothes, a new hairdo, manicure and

pedicure. When she came back she told

him, “I spent the money so I could look

gorgeous for you because I love you so

much.” He was very touched and quite

aroused and they had lots of great sex.

The second girlfriend went out and

bought him a new fat-screen TV. “I bought

this gift for you with the money you gave

me because I love you so much,” she said.

He loved his new telly!

The third girlfriend took his £500 and

invested it in the stock market, doubled

her investment, gave him the original £500

back and reinvested the rest. She told him,

“I am investing the rest of the money for

our future because I love you so much.”

She made enough money to buy him a new

car.

After thinking long and hard about how

each of the women spent the money, he decided

to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[warfie]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odours that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[kevjohn]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'll do more than play it just as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

[kevjohn]

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[kevjohn]

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

[kevjohn]

Have you heard about the five young bulls standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?

The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.

The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.

The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.

The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.

The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer.

[warfie]

GROOOAAAAN!!!!

[kevjohn]

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[kevjohn]

One day the neighbor of a blonde go over to her house and sees her crying. She asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again.

The blonde replied with, "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

Edited November 6, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

Blonde enters a store that sell curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

[TomTao]

One day the neighbor of a blonde go over to her house and sees her crying. She asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again.

The blonde replied with, "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

Oh dear, my eyes nearly rollled out the back of my head. Where are you finding all these jokes?

[Dancealot]

Sorry guys i am new at this joke segment and dont have time to go through 900 bad jokes, so i give it my best shot. Here i go

Man comes to the doctor and the doctors says "can you clean that up yourself!"

[Dancealot]

I took some time to read them all because some jokes made me crack so i am going to all these 900 jokes and sometimes i am inspired to add another one:

A fish comes to the doctor and the doctor says "Ha! i see your problem: Out of the bowl"

Edited November 6, 2012 by Dancealot

[Dancealot]

Could we just for this wonderful thread' s sake create a "don' t like" button?

Please Mods

[Dancealot]

A moderator makes a joke i don' t like. I choose to be less critical and let him of the hook.

[Dancealot]

Pfff page 6 now, still enjoying it!

Can i do bad racist jokes as well? - Let me try, i know it' s politically incorrect but it's good fun.

How did the black man invent break-dancing? --- When they tried to steal the rim wheel caps from driving cars..

[Dancealot]

Page 10 and still going

What the difference between a truckload full of tennis balls and a truck full of baby corpses?

You can unload the baby corpses more easily using a pitchfork.

[Dancealot]

Still page 10...

Until now the 2 fish driving the tank joke/horse walks into bar long face joke/two tents joke have been made 2 times.

Please pay at10tion guys

Edited November 6, 2012 by Dancealot

[Dancealot]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'

That's not bad that's just plain nasty.

[Dancealot]

Page 12

Numbers 7,9,11,13,15,16 and 18.

Which is the odd one out and why?

Assuming it's not a trick question as Nurofiend suggests,

fcuked if I know... maybe 16, because it's the only number neatly divisible by 4? or because it's the only one which can be neatly converted to hexadecimal? or binary (2^4)?

What's your answer Thaddeus?

Sent from my... ahhh who gives a s#1t

It's 18, all the others come with fried rice.

Well if you add all the odds it' still odd. When you add all the evens it' still even. I think that is odd

[kevjohn]

Pfff page 6 now, still enjoying it!

Can i do bad racist jokes as well? - Let me try, i know it' s politically incorrect but it's good fun.

How did the black man invent break-dancing? --- When they tried to steal the rim wheel caps from driving cars..

[kevjohn]

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church.

At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister,

"Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

[Schmackos]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[Dancealot]

Guy comes to the doctor to get his results. The doctor says "you want the hear the good news or the bad news first?"

Give me the the bad news first... Doctor says "the bad news is you will die in 2 days"

So what's the good news?.... Doctor says "do you see that nurse over there? -- i am screwing her"