Worst Joke Ever

[kevjohn]

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says,

"I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[riceyummm]

Breaking news!.....first recorded photobomb discovered!

Edited July 12, 2013 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[kevjohn]

I was home a couple weeks ago and my dogs were in our fenced in back yard

doing whatever dogs do when no one is paying attention to them.

I'm just watching TV when I hear a knock on the door. I go over and open the door and there's

a cop standing there. He says, "Hello, I'm Officer Jackson. Have your dogs been in your backyard all day?"

I tell him that they've been out there for 2 or 3 hours and ask if everything is ok.

He says they received reports of some dogs in my neighbourhood chasing kids on their bikes.

He was called to come find the dogs in question.

I simply explained to him that it couldn't be my dogs, as neither of them own bikes.

[bobl]

Newscaster gets owned by captioning guys...

[Thaddeus]

Really bad taste, but hilarious.

[riceyummm]

[tolsti]

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his new baby's christening.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

Edited July 16, 2013 by tolsti

[riceyummm]

[EyesWideOpen]

A trucker has been on the road for a long, and is feeling pretty horny. He knows there is whore house just up ahead, so he stops in there for a quickie with his favorite girl. At the door he is greeted by the old madam. She says all the girls are engaged, and would he be able to wait. He said he was in a big hurry,and needed to get back on the road. The madam said she understood, and also said she had taken care of more than a few men in her day, and would be glad to take care of him as well.

The trucker thought what the hell, he would give the madam a quick roll and then be back on the road. Upstairs in the room with his clothes off and ready for action, the madam informs him that she is a bit dry " down there". She then pops out her one glass eye, and tells him to put his dick in there. The trucker is thinking this is really strange, but what hell he just goes for it. It fits right in, feels great, and soon enough he gets off. He pays her afterwards, and thanks her for a great job!!! As they are parting at the front door, she tells him " Sonny come by anytime, I will be sure to keep............... an eye out for you".

[Ace of Pop]

Whats the differance between An Egg and a Shag...?. ...........You can Beat an Egg....................

[laislica]

A girl is always RIGHT...

Just sometimes confused misinformed rude stubborn senseless unchangeable and even downright stupid

but not WRONG...........

[laislica]

If a man says a woman is ugly he's being mean.

If a woman says a woman is ugly she's envious.

If a little kid says she's ugly, she's ugly.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottishjohn]

Whats the differance between An Egg and a Shag...?. ...........You can Beat an Egg....................

In which case would the "yolk" be on you?

In the UK we also smoke shag

(I will let another person explain!)

[laislica]

Whats the differance between An Egg and a Shag...?. ...........You can Beat an Egg....................

In which case would the "yolk" be on you?

In the UK we also smoke shag

(I will let another person explain!)

So tell me - Why would you smoke carpet?

Wouldn´t you rather Shag on a Shag pile carpet - Oh I get it - Carpet burns!!!

and what then, smoke a pipe full of shag?

[scottishjohn]

Whats the differance between An Egg and a Shag...?. ...........You can Beat an Egg....................

In which case would the "yolk" be on you?

In the UK we also smoke shag

(I will let another person explain!)

So tell me - Why would you smoke carpet?

Wouldn´t you rather Shag on a Shag pile carpet - Oh I get it - Carpet burns!!!

and what then, smoke a pipe full of shag?

I like your thinking, if not your style (as the actress said to the Bishop). Have you ever tried the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) rather than the the other OED (Over Exercised Di***) you will find that another SHAG is a "course cut tobacco"; among other things!

Your turn for the next Shaggy Dog Story

BTW If you were using your "carpet" SHAG would you have to be "well felt" underneath before hand!

Anyone want to explain "well felt" to a non Scotsman?

[laislica]

Whats the differance between An Egg and a Shag...?. ...........You can Beat an Egg....................

In which case would the "yolk" be on you?

In the UK we also smoke shag

(I will let another person explain!)

So tell me - Why would you smoke carpet?

Wouldn´t you rather Shag on a Shag pile carpet - Oh I get it - Carpet burns!!!

and what then, smoke a pipe full of shag?

I like your thinking, if not your style (as the actress said to the Bishop). Have you ever tried the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) rather than the the other OED (Over Exercised Di***) you will find that another SHAG is a "course cut tobacco"; among other things!

Your turn for the next Shaggy Dog Story

BTW If you were using your "carpet" SHAG would you have to be "well felt" underneath before hand!

Anyone want to explain "well felt" to a non Scotsman?

Wot?

That felt at that I just felt at, was the feltest felt at I ever felt at!

(Stop yer ticklin Jock!)

If at fust ya don´t succeed,

drag er goonie ower er heed!

Is that a kaber ye have under yer kilt,

or ya jest pleased ta see me?

Then I said, feel it!

She said:- It´s gruesome

I said feel it again - it grew some more!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a scot were arguing about who could stay the longest in a pig sty, The Englishman went in and out in 20 mins.

The Irishman managed 47 minutes.

The scot went in and 2 mins later -

the pig ran ot!

[well you started it he he]

OK, I´ll get my coat.....

[Crossy]

Whats the differance between An Egg and a Shag...?. ...........You can Beat an Egg....................

In which case would the "yolk" be on you?

In the UK we also smoke shag

(I will let another person explain!)

So tell me - Why would you smoke carpet?

Wouldn´t you rather Shag on a Shag pile carpet - Oh I get it - Carpet burns!!!

and what then, smoke a pipe full of shag?

I like your thinking, if not your style (as the actress said to the Bishop). Have you ever tried the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) rather than the the other OED (Over Exercised Di***) you will find that another SHAG is a "course cut tobacco"; among other things!

Your turn for the next Shaggy Dog Story

BTW If you were using your "carpet" SHAG would you have to be "well felt" underneath before hand!

Anyone want to explain "well felt" to a non Scotsman?

It's also a species of cormorant http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/European_Shag just to add to the confusion amongst English speakers

[scottishjohn]

I felt that one

What is an ot! by the way?

Don't forget your felt hat to go with your coat.

As you said I asked for it so here is my heart felt response

As the old Maid said to the Black Watch Soldier

I felt I had to ask but is there anything worn under yer kilt

No madam replied the squadie in full tartan rig, Everything is in fine working order!

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Jamaican are in hospital, waiting for their

wives/other halves to give birth. After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from

the maternity ward and announces that each is

the father of a bouncing baby boy.

Unfortunately theres just one smallproblem, she adds.

Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags

mixed up and we dont know which baby belongs to which parent.

Would you mind identifying them?

The three men agree and walk into the delivery room and look

at the babies. Immediately the Scotsman stoops down and picks up the black baby.

Yes, this is definitely my baby, he says confdently.

Er, excuse me, says the Jamaican, but

I think its obvious that this is my son.

The Scotsman pulls him aside and says,

I see where youre coming from,mate,

but one of these babies is English and Im not prepared to gamble.

[Robby nz]

It is said that a keen bird watcher is one who prefers a seagull on the rocks to a shag on the beach

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

<deleted>! No...I didn't do that.......my......umm.......dog......yes,my dog did it.

Bad doggy!

[riceyummm]