Limericks

[tuky]

An astronomer slept in the sun,

Then woke with his fly quite undone.

He remarked, with a smile,

"Hoorah! A sundial!

And it's now a quarter past one."

A young wife without memorandum,

Made appointments completely at random

Since if two dates got mixed

It was easily fixed

By letting them shag her in tandem

A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme

Who was in court for a horrific crime,

Said, "Your honour, oh no!

It cannot be so,

For I was a broad at the time."

There was a young lady of Wilde

Who kept herself quite undefiled

By thinking of Jesus,

Contagious diseases,

And the bother of having a child.

There was a young girl whose frigidity

Approached cataleptic rigidity,

Till you gave her a drink,

When she quickly would sink

In a state of complaisant liquidity.

A maestro directing in Rome

Had a quaint way of driving it home.

Whoever he climbed

Had to keep her tail timed

To the beat of his old metronome.

A certain young man of Kirkham

Took inordinate pride in his bum.

What was surely unique

Was the fact that each cheek

Was tattooed with the face of his mum.

There was a young man of Devizes

With <deleted> of two different sizes

One was so small

'Twas no good at all

And the other so large it won prizes.

Old nymphomaniacal Alice

Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.

They found her vagina

In South Carolina,

And her ###### in Buckingham Palace.

A tutor who tooted a flute

Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor:

"Is it harder to toot, or

To tutor two tooters to toot?"

There was a young fellow called Bliss,

Whose sex-life was sadly amiss.

For even with Venus,

His recalcitrant penis

Would never do better than T

H

I

S

A lady with feathers cherubic,

Was famed for her area pubic.

When they asked her its size,

She replied in surprise,

"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

In summer she said she was fair,

In autumn her charms were still there.

But he said to his wife

In the winter of life,

"There's no spring in your old derriere."

A maiden at college named Breeze,

Weighed down by B.A.'s and Litt. D.'s,

Collapsed from the strain.

Alas, it was plain

She was killing herself by degrees.

[Neeranam]

Good ones. I just remembered the classic,

There was a Bohemian monk,

who went to bed in a bunk,

He dreamt about venus,

While rubbing his penis,

and woke up all covered in 'perspiration'

[TizMe]

In days of old

When Knights were bold

and rubbers weren't invented

They wrapped a sock

around their cock

and f###ed away contented.

There was an old man from cape Horn

Who wished he had never been born

and he wouldnt have been

if his father had seen

that the end of the rubber was torn.

Edited March 3, 2005 by TizMe

[the scouser]

A young couple from Aberystwyth

Bought a pack of cards to play whist with

When they were fed up of that

They sat on the mat

And played with the things they pissed with.

A young lady from West Houghton

Had one long tit and one short 'un

To make up for that

She'd a massive big t##t

And a fart like a 500 Norton.

A young man from Kilbride

Fell down a sewer and died

The next day his brother

Fell down another

And now they're interred side by side.

[Trebilcock]

A gay young boy from Khartoum,

Took a lesbian up to his room,

But they argued all night,

As to who had the right,

To do what, and with which, and to whom.