Thais And Important Events

[sbk]

My experience with Thai-Thai couples has been that they do not celebrate milestones; birthdays, anniversaries etc. I threw a birthday party for my husband once and his father's comment was "what do you need a party for, you aren't a kid" My MIL doesn't even know her birthdate, has to look it up on her id card

So, my husband and I just had our 20th wedding anniversary. I am in the US so it was a simple happy anniversary phone call. Due to family circumstances I have spent the last 3 anniversaries in the US but, to be totally honest, even before this spate of absences, we never really did much for it at all. I was trying to explain to people here in the US as to why I wasn't particularly upset that we hadn't spent this date together and I could tell they all thought I was a bit odd.

I don't know if Thai pragmatism has seeped into me or if I've learned that the true milestones aren't expressed in dates, but I feel curiously unconcerned that we didn't spend our anniversary together.

Have I been living in Thailand too long?

[cdnvic]

One of the best things about being married to a Thai is that things like Christmas and birthdays are a lot less expensive. We don't bother with gifts, a card is fine. The daughter does a bit better, but between us we try not to make a big deal over things like that.

Oh, and Happy Anniversary!

[Boo]

We don't do anniversary either, bdays get a little more effort but not much. The one I do insist on is Mothers day (UK). After all I did carry my son for 9 months, spent 5 days in labour & 16 hrs in full labor to get him. I think I deserve a bit of fanfare for that

[MaryWorth]

I also find it hard to get used to. I didn't get anything for mothers day, birthdays, either. New year seems to be a bit more important, I got a gift there.

[cmsally]

You're doing better than us. We had our 20th anniversary last year and both of us forgot! I think we are both too busy to remember these things. We try and do birthdays but apart from that don't tend to notice the events.

Personally I prefer an impromptu celebration if it works out and takes no planning. Otherwise it gets ridiculous and you are always celebrating something and planning for the next.

[meme]

Our friends reminded us of our 2nd wedding anniversary on facebook this year! Although I have to say seeing as we had two weddings its hard to decide which is our anniversary. Mr. Meme is big on the day we met but we dont exchange gifts or anything. He had never celebrated a birthday in the 27 years before I had met him so honestly he enjoys it now. However he refuses cake and singing b/c that is only for babies. His family also never celebrated bdays and his mom knows she is a year older according to songkran. I get a card and gift on my bday and for some reason he loves valentines day(which I have never given 2 sts about)...oh the hopeless romantic village boy. We had our first Christmas in North America last Xmas and he was pretty overwhelmed with how many gifts are exchanged. He always explained that Thai people(or at least the people he knows) will not open gifts in front of you but they will wear them or display them so you know they like them. Where as when we give gifts there is a lot of oooing and awing and then they get put away in a closet. So he has had to learn how to oooo and awwww. Which is a funny concept.

[Tywais]

This topic explains a lot that has had me confused for some time. December is a tense month for me in that our anniversary, her birthday, Xmas, my birthday and New Years eve all happen in it. This year seems both her bday and mine were pretty much a non-event and I was quite upset with myself for nearly forgetting. She just told me not to worry so much, she also forgot.

Several years ago I got up on October 31 and went down stairs. There was a bouquet of flowers with a note saying happy Halloween. I have to admit I had to control myself from laughing out loud as she had no idea what Halloween meant to Americans.

We do celebrate Xmas with her family coming over for dinner and gift exchange and it's thoroughly enjoyed by all.

[icequeen]

That's quite different to the experiences I've had, I've found that thai people celebrate absolutely everything! Birthdays, every new year celebration going: thai, western, chinese (etc). My thai social circle have parties for new cars, new motorbikes, new jobs and that's apart from the usual 'tambon baan' and birthdays. Most of the thai people I know have a party every year for their birthday, they pay for all the food and drink and guests bring a gift. Some of the parties are quite small but some are huge with dancers, jokers and more food than you could hope to eat!

I can't even say it's just wealthy thais because it seems to be the poorest people also, sometimes even more than the wealthy thais. Any excuse to crack open a few beers with some friends, last week it was happy birthday new Yamaha, I couldn't stop laughing!!!

[Tinkelbell]

sbk.....Congrats on your 20th wedding anniversary.

Wish you & Hubby many love and happiness.

Tinky (your forum fan)

Sorry a little late, just read your post.

While growing up in Thai household. I could recall that most Thais ( at least the people I knew) only celebrate on 72th birthday ( six circles = Thai calls 'hok rob'). And if that birthday person is lucky enough to live long to fullfill another circle ( 12 more yr) , all the family members would stage a big blast....by hiring a Thai classical dance troupe to perform ' rum-oui-porn' ( giving- a -blessing dance).

I live in the US now, but I'm the only person in my family that doesn't celebrate birthday, while hubby, daughter and son are always looking forward to. Well I guest I still carry that Thai pragmatism with me .

[mssabai]

That's quite different to the experiences I've had, I've found that thai people celebrate absolutely everything! Birthdays, every new year celebration going: thai, western, chinese (etc). My thai social circle have parties for new cars, new motorbikes, new jobs and that's apart from the usual 'tambon baan' and birthdays. Most of the thai people I know have a party every year for their birthday, they pay for all the food and drink and guests bring a gift. Some of the parties are quite small but some are huge with dancers, jokers and more food than you could hope to eat!

I can't even say it's just wealthy thais because it seems to be the poorest people also, sometimes even more than the wealthy thais. Any excuse to crack open a few beers with some friends, last week it was happy birthday new Yamaha, I couldn't stop laughing!!!

That was my first thought icequeen, but then I realised that this 'any excuse for a party' meant that it isn't particularly personal. When we go to the numerous adult birthday parties, it seems to be the host making the party for us. We will bring gifts of booze, but never a personal gift. People never seem to mention the birthday either. A good example of this is children's birthday parties - you rarely ever see any kids! It is just another excuse for a drink up. No body ever thinks of going for a nice meal with their loved one for their birthday - they will go with everyone they know, and will probably pay. In the west we see our birthdays as a time to get treated by friends and family and get them to show us how much they love us, but that never happens here. Even at weddings - they give you gifts! You give them money which just goes back to pay for the party. The only time we have ever given a present at a party was for a new house party - and this seemed to be for luck.

I am absolutely fine about the fact my birthday is not a big deal for my bf. He does try bless him, but it is not the same as I get at home and I really don't force it. I get totally spoiled by my family at birthdays and christmas (and I do the same back I might add) so feel like that is enough really. My mum still decorates the kitchen with balloons! At 27 that is great : )

[IanForbes]

So, my husband and I just had our 20th wedding anniversary. I am in the US so it was a simple happy anniversary phone call. Due to family circumstances I have spent the last 3 anniversaries in the US but, to be totally honest, even before this spate of absences, we never really did much for it at all. I was trying to explain to people here in the US as to why I wasn't particularly upset that we hadn't spent this date together and I could tell they all thought I was a bit odd.

Have I been living in Thailand too long?

First of all, congrats on your 20 years together... sort of... considering you are away a lot.

Secondly, I think a lot has to do with the individuals. I seldom celibrate birthdays, but some of my bar friends gave me a birthday party last November. I think birthday partiess are more for children and marriage anniversaries are more for long term special dates: 40th, 50th, 60th etc.

I never give my grown children presents on birthdays but help them out many other ways throughout the year.

[sbk]

Yes well, I have commitments to my family Ian and my mother's diagnosis of a third round of breast cancer, her subsequent death and my father's very poor health does cause me to return home regularly. My husband wouldn't think very much of me as a person, and frankly, neither would I, if I were to put my own selfish considerations first all the time.

Why you feel the need to put in what seems to be a pretty clear putdown of something you cannot begin to understand, I have no idea.

[wasaskater]

My Congrats on 20 years...but I have to disagree...some Thais do celebrate birthdays and such...we(including my parents) would always make a cake and food for coworkers on our birthdays...go out to eat etc...in fact it seems like we are always celebrating something.

[WaatWang]

My BF celebrates his birthday, and as someone else also mentioned, he also celebrates the day he got his motorbike. We are not married, but he also remembers the day we met and reminded me of it on that day. So at least he values meeting me as much as his motorbike. heehee

We also have celebrated birthdays of his parents and sisters, and exchanged gifts on Valentine's Day.

Anyway, hope you will have a nice 20th anniversary celebration when you are reunited again! Congratulations to you both.

[IanForbes]

Yes well, I have commitments to my family Ian and my mother's diagnosis of a third round of breast cancer, her subsequent death and my father's very poor health does cause me to return home regularly. My husband wouldn't think very much of me as a person, and frankly, neither would I, if I were to put my own selfish considerations first all the time.

Why you feel the need to put in what seems to be a pretty clear putdown of something you cannot begin to understand, I have no idea.

It's not a put down at all, sbk. I'm sorry you took it that way. I was just congratulating you on a relatively long marriage by today's standards. Family ties are part of what keeps me going back and forth from Canada to Thailand and I understand your dilemma. I call both places home. But, very often it is time away from each other that keeps some relationships together for a long time. It all depends on the individuals. Some couples don't do well when separated, and yet with others it holds them together because they both need their own space.

[Goinghomesoon]

Wow, congrats SBK. When hubby and I make it to 20 I'll probably be too old to do a happy dance, but maybe a happy twirl in my wheelchair!

My hubby's family celebrate lots of dates but just not the same ones I would choose. None of them are related to personal days except Thai mothers day and fathers day. All the other celebrations are linked to their community. When the new temple roof was finished they literally partied for 3 days and hubby even went home from Bangkok for that one.

Hubby falls somewhere in the middle of the two cultures. He loves Thai mothers and fathers day and takes great pride in choosing a gift for each parent. He think Xmas is great but I suspect that is related to the buffet lunch and not necessary the occasion itself Maybe once we move to my home country that might change.

[bina]

i must have been country thai in an other life......... i dont remmeber my kids birthdays at all... but i remember every step of my giving birth to them, what i ate, what hat the midwife wore, feeling their little heads crown.....

the only reason i remember our wedding dates are cause 1/ we married the day after loy kratong so thats when we celebrate if at all; 2/ the amphur date i remember cause i have to fill it in all the time for visa applications and other beurocratic stuff. as far as anon is concerned, we get married the day he gave me a gold necklace and told me we are getting married.

birthdays. well, again, i dont really remember mine or his except that again, for paperwork reasons, i need to remember. they both fall around chanuka, and when we do the visa renewal and when we got married so i just choose a day and we do a big cake.

anon says that thais (korat muu baan poor, anyway) would throw their own party for birthdays. therefore, u need to have enough moolah for throwing the big party, meat, beer, whiskey, etc. so most wont do it unless they took the lottery. so no birthday party celebs. he also doesnt know his folks birthdates, doesnt send gifts for nephews/nieces sisters,brother. no wedding anniversery for parents either. but mother's day and father's day he sends his paycheck and calls.

my kids do like a big fuss, so the eldest is the bd organizer. she reminds me when each person has their birthday, etc and then we do a cake thing.

i will never forget the first time we did a party for anon (and me); with cake, balloons and small gifts. he hadnt a clue.

we have this problem every year for visas since they question anon about birthday and wedding dates. he doesnt ever remember them (which one was the muubaan wedding, which one is the registration date), nor our birhtday dates. and he mixes the thai year with the gregorian year (thank god he doesnt have to know the jewish dates like i have to, for birthdays for the kids).

and he says that he has no use for presents. money and food yes. but useless items? a waste of time and money. reminds me of in the past on kibbutz , birthday presents were deoderants, soaps, underwear and socks. i was so insulted the first time i was given deoderant as a presnet, i thought they were trying to clue me in....

bina

israel

[mssabai]

Gifts make me laugh here actually. Have you seen those gift shops...that sell purely useless bits of tack, like fancy clocks and tea cup sets, that are put away in cabinets and NEVER used. My mil has hunderds of them.

I hate the idea of buying presents with no purpose. I sometimes don't buy friends gifts because I haven't found anything suitable. And instead will buy them something when I see something I know they will like. Also there seems to be this Thai idea that all presents HAVE to be in boxes. It doesn't matter what is inside as long as it is in a box...preferably a reallllly big one.

[IanForbes]

Gifts make me laugh here actually. Have you seen those gift shops...that sell purely useless bits of tack, like fancy clocks and tea cup sets, that are put away in cabinets and NEVER used. My mil has hunderds of them.

I hate the idea of buying presents with no purpose. I sometimes don't buy friends gifts because I haven't found anything suitable. And instead will buy them something when I see something I know they will like. Also there seems to be this Thai idea that all presents HAVE to be in boxes. It doesn't matter what is inside as long as it is in a box...preferably a reallllly big one.

That is precisely why I don't buy presents. Most people already have more junk than they need and stupid ornaments are just dust collectors. I ask my kids what they want and would rather spend $500 on something they might need than buy 10 gifts of $10 each that they'll never use. My grand kids already have more toys than they can play with.

[473geo]

20 years SBK, I think quite milestone, I wish you and your husband health and happiness for the next 20.

I think there are two lines of thought here.....so number one - 20 years married deserves to be recognised between the two of you - if not by an elaborate party.....then as long as you and hubby are comfortable with your own recognition.....no issues..

Then part two that has developed in the thread......presents.....

I think there are so many differing situations......Bina has mentioned practical gifts......being from a large family most of the gifts I have been presented with over the years were appreciated,practical. They ranged from annual knitted jumpers from my Aunt, to home made snow sledges from my father. Yes Bina in my teenage years always the socks,undies, aftershave and deoderants, Later in life driving lessons, all were much appreciated.

So following on from my experience, I do not buy too many toys for the children unlessI feel they are educational (of course there is the occasional exception can't help spoiling them just once in a while) Mostly my wife and I buy clothes, if we decide to buy a gift, my son had a cake on his birthday a surprise for him which his sister insisted we buy, then for her birthday she said she didn't want a cake......if Papa buy the bicycle he promised...that was enough.....perhaps this is more the Thai way.....focus on the important things in life........

One thing I will add - I do enjoy giving, as I do receiving, but the muted way gifts are sometimes accepted in Thailand often encourages me to be a little cautious - so my attitude has changed a little. I guess I focus on the children.

It did take 3 years of giving a valentine card before I received one in return...I guess romance isn't dead then...

In summary SBK in my opinion my Thai experience tells me that unnecessary expense can accompany recognition of all the'special occasions'...so if they just slip by no problem. But of course my environment is the people within.

[sbk]

One gift giving occasion has always been the return of family from a trip. So, when I go back to Thailand I always bring little gifts from the US for our staff and my husband's family. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, fancy or expensive but they do like to have a gift "from America"

I also note that when some of my husband's myriad of relatives return to the island for a visit, they bring little gifts for family members, special fruit or sweets native to the area they live in, for instance.

[473geo]

One gift giving occasion has always been the return of family from a trip. So, when I go back to Thailand I always bring little gifts from the US for our staff and my husband's family. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, fancy or expensive but they do like to have a gift "from America"

I also note that when some of my husband's myriad of relatives return to the island for a visit, they bring little gifts for family members, special fruit or sweets native to the area they live in, for instance.

That's good.....I guess it is always comforting to know that even when people are not around they think of you....kind of recognition that you do carry some importance in their lives....a small gift can say a lot...

[TruthWillOut]

20 years. Nice.

Anyone making digs about time apart can't know what it is to give a crap about others, a sign of a selfish attitude. Peace

[Patsycat]

Happy Anniversary!!! I am sure you and hubby will celebrate when you get home.

This celebration thing reminds me of the first Christmas I was married to my Swiss husband. We invited his family round for a meal on Xmas day and I was all in a fluster about buying presents for them. He said not to buy any because all they would be coming for was the free food and drink.

Lo and behold - these people (and they were poor by Swiss standards) arrived with a car full of gifts, boxes of wine, bottles of whiskey - they even brought expensive cat food for the kitten.... I was mortified, wanting to dig a hole and jump into it etc.

I should have just done what i would have done with my own family and given some small gifts- the atmosphere in our house afterwards was a bit chilly.

But in the end we did have a nice day.