Trapped in the usa

[DramaQueen]

Dear all,

It’s a long story, I’ll try to keep it brief!!

I’m 40 years old Thai lady, married to American man and moved to the USA with my daughter (from my previous relationship and she was two years old then) from June 2000. My first year with my husband was very rough, I was abused by him emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, and socially. We, my daughter and I, had to end up in the women shelter in March 2002 (after we were locked in his house for more than a year). I filed for restraining order on him; he fought back by filing restraining order on me. After that for a while he filed for divorce, he got the most aggressive lawyer in town, I had no one to represent me. My advocate said his lawyer always represents for the abusers, and she said his lawyer must give me a very hard time. YES!!!, she was right, the situation in the court was too intimidated for me. It was sad, hard, scary, rough, and always unfair (I didn’t have very much chance to talk, to protect or defense myself). My husband and his lawyer tried everything to hurt me and my daughter as much as they could. I wondered why all the papers my husband filed at INS for our visa (especially an affidavit of support) had no power for protect me and ask anybody to treat us fairly. I felt so bad about this why this American man brought us to his country and he can treat us the way he wants, and nobody can help us. After we fought in the court for more than 5 months, it was not final yet. His lawyer asked me that my husband wanted to reconciliation, I was quite hesitate at the beginning but my daughter and I were having a very hard time in the shelter. His lawyer asked me again on the next court date, I said “Yes” because I gave up and I worried so much about my daughter. Please don’t think that I was so stupid (or I’m so stupid), I had too many reasons that made me came back to my husband. I called my mother in Bangkok, told her about my problem and I wanted to go back to Bangkok. My mother said “No”, I didn’t blame her but I did understand that she disagreed at the beginning when I told her about marrying this man and move to the USA. My family is a very conservative, educated and high competition among the relative families. I had nothing left in Bangkok, I quitted my good job, good pay, spent all my saving on his last visit, transportation, etc. I tried to make everything looked elegant to keep “my mother face” and made my mother believe that my husband is a good guy, he loves me, and he treats my daughter, my family including myself so well. It was a wonderful fake set-up, and it burnt all my big saving so well too.

Back to the point, I had no support and I couldn’t find one then I moved back to my husband house. He changed to be a nice person, nice to me and my daughter. We had a wonderful time together…. But it’s too short. The good time is only a couple months; we started to living #### again. It’s so sad! I always try to be a good wife, good mother, more patients on everything but I am never being good enough for him. He’s ruder, more dictated, everything gone worst. I have nothing and no one to turn too, I have to tell myself that I have to live with it and hope he would change, and try to hurt my daughter’s feeling as less as I can.  She loves my husband, she can’t speak Thai but she understand some because I keep speaking Thai too her. I feel homesick all the time, if I ask him that I want to visit Thailand, he would says “No” then starts cursing me. I know that we not rich but it would be nice if I can visit Thailand sometime. One day in March 2003, he said he will buy us tickets to visit Thailand; we went to INS office for our traveling document (Advance Parole). The INS officer looked at me again and again after he checked our info on the computer over and over many times. He said our cases are denied, my husband drawn the case from May 2002, and we cannot leave the country. My heart was broken (it still does!). I walked to him, he was waiting outside the INS office, I look at his eyes, no words to say, but cried! I didn’t blame him or tell him what happed inside that office, he said “I’m sorry” That made me more sad, how could this guy do this to us, he knew what he did, and he already knew what I would face in INS office. Okay! I took his apology! He said we will start all over again. Now I knew why I never get any notice from INS, and why I waited for the green-card interview for more than 2 years, and didn’t hear any thing from INS. Eventually, we re-filed for adjustment of status on May 2003. I don’t have any trust left for my husband. I asked myself many times why I’m still with him…..it’s so unhappy, trauma, etc. why I don’t go back to Thailand. I got a lot of answers;

•It’s very hard for me (this old lady) to get a job in Bangkok, I have only B.A. and some work experience but new graduates they have a lot to offer.

•My daughter is too late for school system in Thailand (she’s in kindergarten now).

•It would be very hard for me to start my life all over again in Bangkok

•I do really care about insulting looking from my family and others (made big 2 mistakes; one had my daughter without marry – but I’m always so glad that I kept her, the second is married this man and moved to the USA).

•And a lot more!!!

Please advice.

Regards,

Tara

[Nat]

Hi DramaQueen

Really sad to hear about your situation.

You are in a tough spot and obviously want to make the right decision for your own and daughter's sake.

Your husband sounds like quite an angry person who has a tendency of projecting it on to you. It's unfortunate that the shelter did not provide you with more assistance as from the sounds of it your husband's abusive behaviour still continues - only subsiding occasionally. For your own safety and that of your daughters it is best to get away. I don't know anything about the shelters or women protective agencies in the US, but they have to exist. Maybe they can assist you in finding work and starting a new life in the US. This is if you don't want to be with your husband or return to thailand.

However, if you do still want to stay with your husband (which from your post doesn't seem the case) and make the relationship work marriage counselling is an option - but for this to be effective it will take BOTH of you and your husband doesn't sound like the compromising type.

You have listed quite a few reasons for not returning to thailand - but what about the reasons for? Would you be happy back in thailand or in the US? You seem to be put everyone elses interests first before your own. Decide what you want out of life and don't be afraid of your decision. I know it can be scary to go out into life on your own - but it can't be worse than what you have gone through or still going through. You sound like a caring mother and obviously a very brave person, go with your instincts and what feels right.

Wish you all the best and keep us posted.

Nat

[Khun Larry]

Same things happen to Farangs every day in Thailand.

Every day....

What do you want from him? Money?

Go back to Thailand.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Are you into public relations Larry ? A bit short on sensitivity I'd say.

[DramaQueen]

Thanks for all comments;

Hi Net, about the women shelter, I live in a very small town in central California, its good enough that they have that facility in town. The women shelter can only give place to stay, food to eat, and escort us when we need to go to the court. I can’t ask for any help other than that because I’m not a citizen and I don’t have a green-card (My daughter and I are legally aliens). I went to social services office many times to asking for what they can give us such as food stamp or money aid, all my requisitions were denied. I never have money in my pocket, I left his house with some clothes by the car he bough me but on his name. His lawyer asked the judge to order me to send that car back, and one the shelter’s rules is “don’t leave your child with anybody at all time”. That’s why I can’t do very much thing including looking for a job. Anyway, it’s very hard to look for a job in the town I live, there’re only jobs in farms or fields. I’d had applied for jobs during my first year here but I didn’t get one, most of office clerk positions need bilingual (English & Spanish), I don’t know any Spanish words, I couldn’t say that’s discrimination because it notices on the applicant qualification. But I don’t give up yet about looking for a job, I just dropped my application and resume at Wal-Mart yesterday, I will dropped my resume at some recruitment agencies in the near big town (~40 miles from home) too.

The counseling is not an option for this unhealthy relationship because my husband won’t do that. I would say I’m confusing about what I really want to do first. I really want to out of this relationship, and I want to get a job first, and then save some money, go for divorce (this is the tough one – ‘coz no pro bono works for divorce case). In the other way is going back home, it seems not easy too. As I said; it’s hard to get a job in Thailand right now, I have no place to live in Bangkok, no money to rent a small room for us. The school is not free in Thailand. If I stay in the US, the school is free for my daughter. Another option is if I get a job and have some money…enough to start our lives in Bangkok, I would love to go back to Thailand. My husband doesn’t have anything for me he always reminds me that I won’t get anything from him and don’t even think that I can take anything from him. I told him that if I wanted to marry to somebody’s money, I wouldn’t marry him because I know he is a poor man from the beginning.  

Hi Khun Larry and Dr. PP, I want to go home but I have no job, no money, nothing in Thailand. I will have to prepare myself and money to move back to Thailand. My husband doesn’t have money or anything for me so; I cannot expect that he would buy me tickets and send us home peacefully. Don’t you think that he should be punish or learn some lessons, he can’t treat anybody this way and USA laws shouldn’t protect him. I posted my message here because I would like to have some advice, and I do know that there’re many American gentlemen on this web board so, they might have valuable suggestions about specific resources in this country that I can get some help.

As Khun Larry said “Same things happen to Farangs every day in Thailand”. I’m so sorry to hear that. I worked with international companies and had worked with Farang bosses while I was in Thailand (I never work for Thai company); I never see any of them got mistreat by Thai co-workers or any Thai organizations. But I did see something horrible happened in my office when one of farangs in company got fired without prior notice ahead of time. There’s a farang boss walked to his office gave him a few of black garbage bags, grabbed his cell phone from his hand and asked for the company car key, then asked somebody go to his car - taking all his belonging from his car (also put them in the garbage bag). I felt so bad, I thought why foreigners they treat each other without respect, it’s cold blood, he’s not a criminal (I didn’t know what’s wrong he did). I still remember that scene….

Take care all,

[Nat]

Hi DramaQueen

I've seen quite a few of those garbage bag scenes - they're not a pretty sight. I'm not sure why they don't treat each other with respect, but not all farangs are like that. It's unfortunate that your experiences with them have been negative.

I wish I could offer you some advice but don't know anything about the US welfare systme. Hope there are some other posters out there who are a bit more knowledgeable.

In the mean time keep your chin up

Nat  

[foolwholaughsatdeath]

Well if your in California you could try contacting women's shelters, Wats, and agencies in Los Angeles and the Bay Area.  Both these areas have huge populations of Thai people living/working there and hopefully you will find some jai dee people to help you.  Also, they might be able to give you tips about job-searching, as surely there are jobs in that area where your bilingual skills would be needed and appreciated.  It would require hopping on the Greyhound bus or Amtrak and relocating, but it sounds like you could use a change of scenery anyway.

Best of Luck!

[TRIPxCORE]

Hello DramaQueen,

    I live in Los Angeles.  I have read your posts here and feel very sorry for your situation.  If you want to contact me privately, you can P.M here via this message board and I will try to connect you with some telephone numbers of Thai people or organizations here in Los Angeles that can maybe help you.

[Membrane]

Good luck to you, DramaQueen.  And don't even bother responding to a$$h0les like "Khun Larry".  Sounds like he is just another jerk, and you've had more than your fair share of them.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of anything to add, other than to encourage you to get away from your husband.  This type of character will just continue to repeat his abuse, over and over, with episodes of "being truly sorry" in between.  It's woven into his personality (disorder).

But I'm glad to hear there are some real men, here on this board, who have been able to give you some sound advice and assistance.

Good luck once again, and take care...

Membrane

[rabkk]

How is he able to pay his lawyer? If he doesn't have any money to support you, can't you try at least to ask the judge for the car?

Los Angeles has a large population of Thai people; they really help each other finding jobs and sharing apartments. Many of them started their life in the US by working in Thai restaurants. To get connected, note that there is a large Thai temple in North-Hollywood or a call for advice to the Thai consulate in L.A. would also be a good start... Continue to speak Thai every day to your daughter...

[DramaQueen]

Dear Nat, thanks for your reply; I do understand that not all farangs are mean and cruel like the boss I told you. There are good and bad person in all races. I never think that all Americans are bad but I just not lucky enough to marry to the good one. Nat, I promise, I will keep my chin up and never give up!!

Dear Foolwholaughsatdeath, tripxcore, and Membrane, thank you very much for good advice and willing to help. My main problem is about my daughter, I want to leave my husband but what would I do with my daughter, I can’t leave my daughter with anybody. It’s not easy to look for a job or go to work when I can’t find a safe place for her. Another concern is about my “visa status”, as he re-filed for adjustment of status for my daughter and me on May 2003, the INS officer it will take about 12-18 months to get green-card. What should I do? Stay with him until I get it then leave him, please advice!

Dear rabkk, my husband works in the winery he gets good pay to live comfortable life in this area. He paid ~ $3,700+ + for the lawyer. About the car, he bough it after we married for a year. His lawyer asked the judge to order me return the car on one court date that supposed to final the restraining order on him, nobody talked about the restraining order including the judge. His lawyer said the car is on his name only and he the one who makes the payment so, I can’t keep it. They wanted me to send the car back and wanted me to pick up all my belonging he dumped it on the drive-way in that day (after the court) before 4 p.m. I still feel the painful, like a fresh wound.  About the money, I have to write everything down what I want from the grocery, he will buy them for me. If I want to have some money ($10.- or $20.-) I have to beg for that but I don’t get it every time I ask for and many time it ended up with big argument! RaBKK, I will never stop speaking Thai to my daughter, Thank you again

[Nat]

Hi DramaQueen

Glad he hasn't broken your spirit. Bit worried about you staying with him until you get your green card. I know it seems like the only feasible option, but hope there's another way around that situation. You've endured enough abuse and should'nt have to put up with any more. There is a light at the end of the tunnel - keep up the positive outlook.

Nat  

[muay_thai]

Don't know what it's worth but if the green card can get you freedom to leave the country then you may have to do the 18 month sentence, but only do it if your certain you will

achieve it and he is pushing it.

If not leave him, try and find a thai community nearby that will understand your problems.

Sorry not the best of advice but good luck !

[SoCal]

DQ, have some guys pay him a visit, and set things straight.

He may not like you from this day forward, but he will respect you a whole lot more. Sometimes fear is better than adoration, at least Machiavelli thought so. ???

[Edward B]

Bud's back

[SoCal]

Edward, I'm thinking I should be insulted. What is your street address?  ???

[Edward B]

SoCal,

I'm thinking you're thinking right. The last thing DQ needs is to make things worse for herself, as you so blatantly suggested. Besides, where is she going to find the money to hire two thugs?

[KevinN]

TARA, You said that your adjustment of status was filed,has it been approved yet? without that or a green card it would not be possible for you to work will it?except that you should have a temp. perm. resident and a social security card,so you might be OK,but I do know that when hired for work,you must have a soc.sec. card.

I also don't know where you are in central calif. but the domestic violence shelter is required to help you. Also they can most likely fix you up with a pro-bono lawyer for the divorce,but for a simple divorce in calif. you do not need a lawyer,just a paralegal to help you fill out the divorce papers and the state will waive the filing fee because you have no money. But you will not be able to sue for alamony or anything other than just the divorce with out a lawyer.

as someone has offered,I would think that getting in contact with a WAT or some other thais would be your best route.

I was divorced from 2 wives in calif. and it is very simple,I am now married and living very happily with my Thai wife and her 13 year old daughter here in Thailand.

But do let me know if I can be of any help,anytime,either here on the boards or PM. PS. I posted this after I had read the first page,not used to the boards,so didn't notice page 2,sorry,since you have no way to get your green card,I suppose on your visa you are a conditional permanent resident,and you will be able to/or have got a social security card,so you can work legally.  so why don't you load the kid,go over to domestic violence and stay there til something turns up,you will qualify for public assistance,and welfare,with medical ins. for you and the kid,the people there can get everything set up for you and get you into subsadised housing,don't let them kid you,I know that in the state of Calif. that it is possible,do not take no for an answer,and stay there til they do.

[Khun Larry]

Hi Khun Larry and Dr. PP, I want to go home but I have no job, no money, nothing in Thailand. I will have to prepare myself and money to move back to Thailand. My husband doesn’t have money or anything for me so; I cannot expect that he would buy me tickets and send us home peacefully. Don’t you think that he should be punish or learn some lessons, he can’t treat anybody this way and USA laws shouldn’t protect him. I posted my message here because I would like to have some advice, and I do know that there’re many American gentlemen on this web board so, they might have valuable suggestions about specific resources in this country that I can get some help.

Maybe you should go to the Thai embassy and have them arrange a flight back. Your Thai, they're thai work it out.  

The best advice to be found is to be responsible for yourself. This country will not do much for you. Never did, never will.

As you can see, unlike Thai's, farangs are quick to turn on their fello farang.  

[Nat]

As you can see, unlike Thai's, farangs are quick to turn on their fello farang.  

comments like that certainly reinforce it  

where's the love gone these days  

[Membrane]

As you can see, unlike Thai's, farangs are quick to turn on their fello farang.  

comments like that certainly reinforce it  

where's the love gone these days  

Nah... thes love's still here.  Kuhn Larry's just a jerk.  Read his wonderfully helpful post on page one...

Us farangs just don't have love for farangs like Kuhn Larry!

I'd stand up for DramaQueen any day and I'm certainly not Thai.

[Nat]

Glad to hear that Membrane    wish DramaQueen meets more farangs willing to stand up for her.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Larry is the kind of guy you really don't need as a friend. A bit like Canadian Brian on another forum.

[udon]

Does anyone know what happened to Tara and her daughter?

3 posts and then nothing.

XXX did she ever contact you?

Just curious as I missed the OP back in '03.

[redrus]

Does anyone know what happened to Tara and her daughter?

3 posts and then nothing.

XXX did she ever contact you?

Just curious as I missed the OP back in '03.

Sh*te, I didn't even realise the date on that OP. Just got a massive attack of the goose bumps thinkin about that.

Yeah, please if there's any info pass it on eh.....!!!!!

redrus

[GuestHouse]

The answer is surely - phone home and then go home.

Admitting mistakes and asking for help from our families is not easy, but surely easier than this sorry tale.

[redrus]

Yeah lots reading but, no answers.

With any luck, no news will be good news.

redrus

[RDN]

Does anyone know what happened to Tara and her daughter?

3 posts and then nothing.

XXX did she ever contact you?

Just curious as I missed the OP back in '03.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The answer is surely - phone home and then go home.

Admitting mistakes and asking for help from our families is not easy, but surely easier than this sorry tale.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Er.. please see above re. the year.

[bronze]

Drama Queen,

You will get better information and help from Thai/Asian community in California, possibly from someone who has had simmilar experience like you. There is a Thai newspaper called Siam Chronicle in Los Angeles. If you call and explain your situation, they will raise some fund for you as Asian communities there support each other.

Even if you find a job, since your daughtor is still young, you will probably have to hire baby sitter and then most of your minmum wage income will be taken away for child care. You need money to start new life but that's the dillemar.

Returning Thailand will be the last card. I don't think it's easy to get a same type of entry level job at your age unless you are willing to work for very basic dead end job. I do have a toll free number of Thai newspaper in LA, so if you need it, please inform me.

Hang in there. I hope the luck is on your side!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Does anyone know what happened to Tara and her daughter?

3 posts and then nothing.

XXX did she ever contact you?

Just curious as I missed the OP back in '03.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That was the pre shed era John. When you had another life