Why Don't Thais Express Themselves?

[cdnmatt]

Had this typed up as a reply, decided I didn't want to hijack the thread, and didn't want to waste that 10 mins of my life, so here you go. :-)

Thais don't talk much, but that doesn't mean that they don't think about it.

Yes, I've come to realize that. Why is that anyway? I've come to realize if you're in a serious relationship with a Thai, you have to become pretty intuitive, because the thoughts, emotions and desires aren't going to be too forthcoming. If something's wrong or bugging them, they'll generally be pretty reserved in expressing it. Or at least that's how it is with me.

There's times when it's obvious there's something bugging him, so I'll ask if he wants to go out for dinner or a drink, with hopes of talking about whatever's on his mind. Every attempt so far has been futile though. I guess it's only been seven months, and there is the language barrier, which makes the relationship move slower while I learn Thai and him English, but still... I like to think we know each other well enough to know he can tell me anything. He won't though. Who knows, maybe in another six months or so.

But why is that? Is that kind of a saving face type of thing? Where they want to be the best and most upstanding person they can be, and prefer they're not viewed as a problem or hindrance? That's the best I can think of, but maybe someone else has some insight?

I should say, on the flip side, if he's happy or angry, he has absolutely no problems expressing those emotions, sober or drunk. It's just when there's something eating at him is when he becomes reserved, and won't talk to me about it. I'm guessing this is why every few weeks he'll get pissed off at me for some unbelievably stupid reason, which is so stupid that there's no way that's why he's actually angry. I'm assuming he's just bottling up a bunch of little things that are bugging him, and needs to vent it every once in a while.

Any insight as to why this seems quite normal in Thailand?

[GucciLittlePiggy]

1. Thais don't talk much - eh?

2. If you were a bloke talking about your thai girlfriend I'd say you're not giving her enough money. But obviously that can't be the reason...

[upinthesky]

Thais are shy and introvert when dealing with a foreigner.

[popmybubble]

I kind of know what you mean, in regards to my bf anyway. However he doesn't really get a chance to bottle things up because it's pretty obvious if something's up, then I just bug him till he tells me. Whatever it is, no matter how small, I always think it's better just to get it over and done with and move on. He speaks good english though so maybe it's easier for us.

There has been occasions however when he's been bothered about something and when he tells me what it is, I'm really surprised because it's been something ridiculous that you'd never expect someone to be upset about.

[Moonrakers]

Maybe it is not just a Thai thing.

I myself am not one to spill my emotions all the time, not even to my wife who I trust implicitly. It's not as though I am trying to hide something from her, but sometimes I feel as though I don't want to impose, as though I don't want to be "Kleng Jai"

She knows me well enough to recognise this (married for nearly 6 years) and so at times she makes sure that I get drunk so that I start "spilling the beans". My misses also knows that I am, in general, a happy drunk which helps.

[Tenchu]

I've never noticed this. Maybe it's not true. Maybe, if someone is seeming closed up, it's because they've got something to hide.

Edited January 10, 2010 by Tenchu

[londonthai]

language berrier, thai are very emmotional and don't hide their feelings

[GuestHouse]

There's whole bunch of issues surrounding controlling and not showing one's emotions that come out of Thai Buddhism and are ingrained in Thai culture. Add to that the lack of development of self expression in Thai society, whether that be personally expressing ideas and feelings, art or literature.

And of course you are a talking about the male of the species, seldom the most expressive Thai or not Thai.

As LondonThai says Language maybe a problem, but I would dispute that Thais do not hide their feelings.

[Beardog]

Thais are usually non confrontational. Not all are My girl will get up in your face quickly if your out of line. She was less confrontational when I met her, but speaks her mind when needed. Good girl.AHHH except when she is balk balk balking at me.

[Briggsy]

Language. If you could speak the language, you'd realise Thais do express themselves.

Hierarchy. If you understood the stratified nature of Thai society, you'd realise Thais express themselves when the boss/teacher/senior person is not around.

Gestures & Expressions. If you caught all the importance of and interpreted correctly the different facial expressions and body language, you'd realise that you had previously missed a lot of expression.

Fear and Discretion. If you knew what reprisals could take place with impunity and without chance of redress in a developing nation, you'd realise why Thais are careful with whom they express themselves.

Religion. If you were familiar with the Buddhist concept of "right speech", you'd understand why Thai expression is tailored to not causing disharmony.

[Meridian007]

It is a cultural norm to bottle up the majority of disagreements and frustrations. It's taken us two years to get to a point where she'll talk about things more, and I try to be more intuitive about what is happening. I'll admit that it is one of the most destructive elements of our relationship, but I think that the majority of Thais are like this because of their upbringing.

I think there was another thread about this recently, which also proved that this crosses the gender barrier. I assume that both sides do it in a Thai-Thai relationship, so I have no idea how Thai couples deal with it, and why there isn't more divorce because of it.

I agree with popmybubble as it is often something that would be considered really minor for a westerner, which also brings up the issue of how "thick skinned" most westerners are in relation to Thais. Our culture is more abrupt and in-your-face, so we have to develop more obvious coping methods and learn to "not sweat the small stuff".

For the majority of us, I think it's something that you either have to just accept, or be prepared to work at for a long time.

**Edit for extra info**

This is in a relationship where language is not a barrier, so while I think that may multiply the issue, don't expect it go away once you learn Thai or he/she learns English.

Also Briggsy above talks about expressions and body language. I don't think we have a problem seeing and interpreting that, the moody silence and sulking is a pretty good giveaway.

Edited January 10, 2010 by Meridian007

[IMA_FARANG]

Well, my Thai girlfriend seems to be quite capable of letting me know what she wants me to know. And she makes me quite aware of that on occasions.

Not all people, human beings they are called, are quite as easy with revealing information from their own lives.

Certainly their are cultural reasons why they don't "like" to talk about their private business.

Males are less willing to "talk" about what they feel is their private business.

Just consider an the Australian male's..."No worries. mate".

My now, isn't that informative. Now just add a language barrier to the equation...and communication isn't easy to establish, for anyone.

My father, an American male, probably never once told my Mother that he loved her once in my childhood that I actually saw. But I know he did. I was at her funeral and I saw what he felt there. So, I knew then.

My point, to cut to the chase, is that "communication" between adults, of whatever cultural background, isn't easy to start.

My persoanl opinion is that much of the "touch-ee feel-ee" need for communication is a recent development. Look back into U.S. history and you won't find "communication" between husband and wife being the norm. Whether that was right or wrong is another question, not really germane to the point here.

Yes, Thais often don't discuss what they consider there personal business with others. It is part of the cultural baggage they come with.

But so do other nationalities.

It did take me some time to understand my Thai girlfriend, and sometimes it wasn't all that easy. It did pay off however.

But that's another matter.

[chiangmaikelly]

I talk to a Falang maybe once or twice a week. The rest of the time I interact with Thais.

I take a songtau to work in the morning and back at night.

I have learned to say shut up at least four different ways in both Thai and Lao. Sow wow deo nee, neip neip, bow bow, my poot, by nawn, and on and on.

Not only do Thais talk a lot but they talk loud. Not only do they speak language but all sorts of pre language sounds. Iiee, Oy, Aah, unnh and so on.

When she smacks me in the head and I cry Iiii. She tells me to say Oy because if I say Iii I sound like a katoy. Yeeee.

I tell people I don't speak Thai not because I don't but because I don't want to talk to them anymore. I interact enough. Sometimes I just want quiet.

One of the reasons I post on ThaiVisa is, I tell her I am working and can't talk or listen to her. She does not speak or read English.

[slapout]

My experience with relationships with the opposite gender seem to follow my children growing up/education characteristics, the older or more time they spend in a classroom/relationship, the smarter they become. Initially they are eager to learn and see new ways of approaching a problem/life as interesting/fun. The longer the relationship, the self perception of their knowledge is similar to a 18 year old vs parents ( You are old and thus not as knowledgeable as we are). In children this seems to change when they hit the mid 20's, but the wife/girlfriend does not seem to reach this maturity, instead they attempt to change the other half to suit their needs/desires. When you throw in the family responsibility, aging, menopause, health of both, upbringing at home, education, etc, what do you expect with cross culture relationships, especially when la fairly wide age differences seem to be the norm? Having experienced most of the actions mentioned by various posts, silent treatment, loud edits, crying, threats, remorse, accusations of guilt/indiscretions, etc, I am still amazed and learning. I do chuckle at what some people complain about, physical characteristics/stamina changes in their partners, etc. Yes our bodies sag with age, our hair/teeth fall out, digestive system becomes more temperamental, hair growth starts in new parts of our body, sleeping/waking habits etc. The people that complain about all of this must not have watched the parents/grandparents grow old nor paid attention in biology.

[PeaceBlondie]

Not just language barrier. My bf is fully bilingual. Says little in English. In Thai, he can be either way. It's cultural.

[villagefarang]

It is so easy to try and lay things on culture, religion or nationality. That is all theoretical and generalizations. Truth is there is always a wide variation within any of these groupings. You have to deal with someone close to you as an individual, and figure out what makes them tick. Nobody here, is going to be able to sort out your relationship problems for you.

[t.s]

Maybe it is not just a Thai thing.

I myself am not one to spill my emotions all the time, not even to my wife who I trust implicitly. It's not as though I am trying to hide something from her, but sometimes I feel as though I don't want to impose, as though I don't want to be "Kleng Jai"

She knows me well enough to recognise this (married for nearly 6 years) and so at times she makes sure that I get drunk so that I start "spilling the beans". My misses also knows that I am, in general, a happy drunk which helps.

i think you should ask her to re-explain kreng jai, by withholding feelings, complaints or emotional distress you are demonstrating it.

Edited January 10, 2010 by t.s

[MrJohnson]

I kind of know what you mean, in regards to my bf anyway. However he doesn't really get a chance to bottle things up because it's pretty obvious if something's up, then I just bug him till he tells me. Whatever it is, no matter how small, I always think it's better just to get it over and done with and move on. He speaks good english though so maybe it's easier for us.

There has been occasions however when he's been bothered about something and when he tells me what it is, I'm really surprised because it's been something ridiculous that you'd never expect someone to be upset about.

This western obsession with having to 'get everything out in the open'.....'express yourself'...'get it off your chest'.........maybe sometimes it is better not to stir too much at the bottom of the pond - it brings up too much detritus....some things are better left unsaid. A concept that seems to have gone completely out of fashion in contemporary western culture. Oh well, such is life!

[thaiozy]

language berrier, thai are very emmotional and don't hide their feelings

Just hit the nail right on the head. because my wife speaks reasonable english & talk when needed, but when i sit at home I`m sure they never stop.

As none of them speak english or only a couple of words they do try to talk when something is happening but as a farang with a language barrier problem i usually yell out to my WIFE & such a good one

[hawthorne]

they dare not to speak English.

Embarrasing to fluent.

Look when they 're hang around with all Thais girl together... So loud

[Briggsy]

Chiangmai Kelly

What a post. I like it. That's what I call expression.

[Loz]

people all over the world have different levels of accesibility. To each their own. I always thought love involved learning when to respect boundaries.

Edited January 11, 2010 by Loz

[MrHammer]

I have to agree that Thais are less expressive than Westerners and prefer to keep a cool and controlled exterior even if they are boiling inside with passion or rage. There's a reason why the saying 'Asian pokerface' never revealing emotion. The mask that you show to the outside and only take off with your closest friends and family. I find the Thais to be puzzled by the ease at which westerners express a wide range of emotions and personal stories.

[mahtin]

And they keep their clothes on when swimming.

[zzaa09]

Language. If you could speak the language, you'd realise Thais do express themselves.

Hierarchy. If you understood the stratified nature of Thai society, you'd realise Thais express themselves when the boss/teacher/senior person is not around.

Gestures & Expressions. If you caught all the importance of and interpreted correctly the different facial expressions and body language, you'd realise that you had previously missed a lot of expression.

Fear and Discretion. If you knew what reprisals could take place with impunity and without chance of redress in a developing nation, you'd realise why Thais are careful with whom they express themselves.

Religion. If you were familiar with the Buddhist concept of "right speech", you'd understand why Thai expression is tailored to not causing disharmony.

Well examined, Briggsy. The inquiries as such manifest from a vacancy of understanding. We will generally see others {cultures} as we expect to find ourselves. Nothing can use as reflective homogeny.