Party Or Settle?

[Enjoylife]

I have been reading thaivisa forums for a while now and i have noticed there are a lot of members with knowledge about Thai/Isaan customs. I seek some opinions from the ones with more life experience in Thailand than me.

I'm in my 20's and have been traveling and partying around the world for the last 2 years. It has always been my dream to explore the world and do whatever i want, no serious relationship and definately not marry before i'm 30+.

I came to Thailand about a year ago and only wanted to stay 3 months before going to Fiji. in the 3rd month i met a beautiful girl so i decided to stay a little bit longer, things got more serious and now we have a relationship. I'm crazy about her and vice versa.

All nice and well but the thing is i'm starting to miss my travel adventures, flings with other ladies, the bachelor life....

I'm afraid i'll get into a midlife crisis before my 30th birthday if i keep doing this. This was NOT how i planned it to be, i planned to travel the world (which i did for almost 2 years), do whatever i want to do and party. At this point i really don't know what to do.

I can't leave her because i love her and i don't want to break her heart, but i can't settle yet because i'm not ready for it and i'm afraid i will cheat on her eventually. Also i'm afraid that if i decide to pick up my adventures again and after 5 years i realise all i ever needed was that girl in Thailand...

The family.

Her family is poor and live in the Isaan, most of them are rice farmers or work on the foodmarket.

After 4 months dating we decided to visit her family.

I have to say they are very kind people but rude compared to my western morals and values. Maybe it's not rudeness but just a difference in culture and understandings.

Almost immediately when we arrived her mother asked us what we wanted to eat. While she was preparing the food a dozen women from the baan entered the house to welcome us. They all asked me for a beer, but i didn't know them so ignored the question. SHouldn't that be the way around? Shouldn't they offer me a beer because i'm the guest? A few minutes later i see the women walking away with a couple of beers and saying thank you to me. Seems like my girlfriends mom bought some beers for them. Now i had to pay her mom back....

My girlfriend explained that she had been away for a very long time so people expect her to take something back to the baan. But why ask me for stuff? I'm the guest!

The same evening we had dinner with the family and some other people from the baan. Evrybody had to bring some food so we went to the market but it was closed already, i decided to buy 2 bottles of whisky because i know the men like it. We drank 1 bottle that evening and i gave the other bottle to someone from the family, but i didn't get any thanks or appreciation back.

Next day i was asked if i would to go sightseeing with my gf and her family. Sure, so went on the road with a borrowed car and after 30 minutes we stopped to fill up the tank. So i was sitting in the car and heared them say farang pay 1000 baht. 10 people looking at me, yeah 1000 baht pay gas. I looked at my girlfriend with frowned eyebrows but she didn't say anything. To save her face i paid 1000 baht to the gasman, that same moment i had a feeling like what the hel_l....... Have i been tricked by my gf? Do they only like me because i have money? I felt very angry and sad the whole day and didn't say a word in the car. I confronted my gf with it, why she didn't say anything and why they were so rude to ask me 1000 baht. She was a bit ashamed and told me in Isaan many people don't have manners, everything is taken for granted. It really spoiled my day.

Next day we decided to leave, man how relieved i was to leave that place. The people are very kind but i felt they were taking advantage of me. Maybe they were just testing me out, i don't know.

I have been thinking about it for a long time but i can't make any conclusion without any knowledge about isaan customs etc.

So what do you guys think about it?

My gf can take care perfectly fine for herself, she has an officejob and sends money to her mom every now and then. She never asks me for anything and surely never asks me for money. I don't understand why she didn't confront her family about their behaviour while she clearly knew i was agitated about it. It was like i was having a completely different girlfriend back there.

[TheJoker12]

sounds like your girl friend is spineless and comes from a terrible family. it also sounds like you are hard up for money since you are whinging about a 1000 baht note. why would anyone want to marry into a family of rice farmers? they want your money because they sent their daughter to the big city to come back with a prized buffalo - YOU.

is it just me or are 25% of the topics in this forum about farang's isaan girlfriends?

Edited February 6, 2010 by TheJoker12

[Enjoylife]

sounds like your girl friend is spineless and comes from a terrible family. it also sounds like you are hard up for money since you are whinging about a 1000 baht note. why would anyone want to marry into a family of rice farmers? they want your money because they sent their daughter to the big city to come back with a prized buffalo - YOU.

Yeah seems like she's spineless towards her family.

I'm pretty wealthy actually, it's not about the 1000 baht, it's about the fact demanding i have to pay 1000 baht while i'm their guest and the way they asked it. If the driver paid it i would have paid it back to him anyway at the end of the day.

She was with a thai guy for 8 years and lived in the big city all that time. She has a good job and take care of herself. I also told her from the beginning i'm never ever going to financially support her family. I'll be happy to teach them how to fish, but they'll have to catch the fish themselves, and she's perfectly fine with that.

She's not like the barladies.

Edited February 6, 2010 by Enjoylife

[Birdman]

You came into a poor community and were seen as a nice Farang, who should and probably is way richer than all the others. It therefore was expected by all, that you deal with all expenses automatically. That's normal at such a place.

If that's shocking, it that was entirely your mistake. You could have investigated and acted correspondingly pre your visit. Not everywhere in this world people react like in your hometown.

[krading]

You should have offered to pay for the fuel before being asked if you really wanted to 'save her face', they went to the trouble of rounding up a car so you could go sight seeing with your girl friend.

Besides, the driver probably didn't have a 1000 bht on him.

[473geo]

You are certainly not ready for such a relationship......

Not being rude.....but just continue on your bachelor travels and enjoy having no expectations heaped upon you or responsibilities.

Edited February 6, 2010 by 473geo

[ozzydom]

In poor Isaan villages it is customary for those that have to provide for those that have not, it is normal to slip Mum ,Dad, brothers/sisters and grandchildren a 1000baht note each ,its all about face.

Even if you are guest at a Thai wedding/funeral etc ,you are expected to pay for the honor of being invited, they even provide an envelope for your contribution.

This is Thailand.

[Norrad]

That sounded exactly like my first visit to my wifes village. Everyone was super friendly but I had to foot the bill for everything, on subsequent visits I left all my ATM cards back in Bangkok and just took what I thought I would need. My wifes family doesn't have much, certainly not a car, so they organise one from a friend whenever we visit and I always pay about a 1000 Baht a day for it. Lucky they didn't take you to the temple, I think my temple visit cost the most on that trip.

Don't feel bad about it, it's the way things work in the village. One of my wifes aunts is pretty well off and has a nice house. She eventually had to replace her phone in the living room with a pay phone and close up her downstairs bathroom because people were coming in at all times to use the phone or use the hot water shower.

I remember being invited for dinner at the aunts house the one evening as she had bought Pizza from Khon Kean (thought the farang could use some western food). She came over to my wifes place to pick us up and when we got back to her place the pizzas and drinks were gone. Turned out the neighbors had come over to help themselves. So it happens to richer Thais too.

[rideswings]

My first visit to the wifes village:

2 hours taxi ride from Udon to village 1600 baht

Gift to grandma 1000 baht

Gift to sister 100 baht

Gift to her mom and dad 5000 baht

Fuel money to aunt for driving to dinner 500 baht

Barbeque dinner for her big family 900 baht

Bus back to Udon 300 baht (much cheaper than overpriced taxi)

All in all around 10,000 baht. And that was just the beginning. I had a good time despite the fact that I dont speak Thai and only one of her relatives spoke English. The Thais certainly know how to have a good time.

Visiting the village usually means that you are engaged, so I hope your GF doesnt lose too much face if and when you decide to leave her.

I would recommend reading Thailand Fever for any Thailand farang newbie before visiting the wifes village. It offers some good do's and dont's and other etiquette so you know what to expect.

Edited February 6, 2010 by rideswings

[parryhandy]

Good point above, in that you will be expected to marry your girlfriend soon now that you have been introduced to the family. I can see them now planning what to do with the sin sod

Seriously though if your in your 20s carry on travelling and enjoy yourself while your still young and in the meantime be careful you dont knock her up.

Edited February 6, 2010 by parryhandy

[lazygourmet]

You missed the best part of your planned trip: Beachcomber

[Tonto21]

Enjoylife! You said it yourself mate, you’re not ready to settle down, what happened to the dream? You say you love the girl, I’m sure you do, but do you love her family, because now you’ve meet them your there pet farang, a little low down on the pecking order, probably just above the dog. Just remember why the daughter left the family home to start with; it was to bring home the bacon. and that isn't to say she doesn't love you. You will be dealing with a completely different mind set to your own; you will be expected to pay for everything from a rice cooker to a new rubber hip for an Auntie that’s been dead for 2 years. The fact that you’re asking some of theses questions! I don’t think you stand a chance. Hit the road! Get on with your life.

As cynical as some of the answers you receive will be, take note there’s truth in most of them. All the best in your traveling.

[Soutpeel]

Run rabbit....run rabbit....run run run...

Methinks if this relationship carries on the next post from the OP will be about Sin Sot....LOL

[GrahamF]

OP, setting aside your issues about your gf's family it sounds to me that you are not ready to settle down yet. Yes, you may find yourself missing this girl down the road, but I think your heartache from that would be a lot less than if you ended up marrying her and it didn't work out, and consider the financial ramifications of a divorce. There are a lot of fish in the sea and I think you are not yet ready to dock your boat.

[a2396]

sounds like your girl friend is spineless and comes from a terrible family. it also sounds like you are hard up for money since you are whinging about a 1000 baht note. why would anyone want to marry into a family of rice farmers? they want your money because they sent their daughter to the big city to come back with a prized buffalo - YOU.

is it just me or are 25% of the topics in this forum about farang's isaan girlfriends?

Probably more than 25%. But so what, they are generally the ones who make themselves available to Farangs.

[hawthorne]

Nothing you said in your post suggest to me you would be happying in staying with this girl and her cultural ways.

Leave on good terms and go explore. Enjoy being young and foolish.

[a2396]

Unless you are ready & willing for marriage, stay away from her family. I am surprised the OP hasn't know by now, that the Farang pays for EVERYTHING, in such scenarios and usually in outings with her other friends as well (non-family).

[7by7]

As I understand it, the custom is that the person with the highest status usually pays; not necessarily the person with the most money. Usually, though, the Farang qualifies on both counts!

When we visit my wife's family (in Ratchaburi, not Issan) we buy the food and beer for a dinner/party, and a bottle of whiskey for my father-in-law. Although friends are always welcome, my wife is very good at turning away people who turn up simply to sponge off the Farang!

I cannot understand people who travel the world to experience different places and customs and then complain when it's not like it is at home.

[jimbeam1]

Enjoylife! You said it yourself mate, you’re not ready to settle down, what happened to the dream? You say you love the girl, I’m sure you do, but do you love her family, because now you’ve meet them your there pet farang, a little low down on the pecking order, probably just above the dog. Just remember why the daughter left the family home to start with; it was to bring home the bacon. and that isn't to say she doesn't love you. You will be dealing with a completely different mind set to your own; you will be expected to pay for everything from a rice cooker to a new rubber hip for an Auntie that’s been dead for 2 years. The fact that you’re asking some of theses questions! I don’t think you stand a chance. Hit the road! Get on with your life.

As cynical as some of the answers you receive will be, take note there’s truth in most of them. All the best in your traveling.

Hi

100% aggree. TIT

[BngkkB]

Check your PM.

[cognos]

I can sense your angst all the way from Canada..you are in between a rock and a hard place.. but all is not lost. How important is partying to you? At your age, it was important to me, but in HINDSITE it was a F'n HUGE waste of time and years.

You cannot put an old head on young shoulders, in 99.9 % of the cases. Advice would be useless, therefore, in 99.9% of the cases. Are you in the .1 percentile?

If not, go party and sow your wild oats. If you are the rare bird with an old head on young shoulders, go against the flow, stay with her a while and grow together, learn the Thai customs, find out if her family is on the take, or not. Don't listen to the cynics bash Issan girls.. many of them are the salt of the earth..I also go against the flow, and do not follow the crowd.. because I..

... married a hi so, educated, Chinese / Thai lady from the south, from a well off family, ( much to the chagrin of many TV cynics who cannot wrap their heads around the fact that this happens all the time) .

[Enjoylife]

Guys thanks for all your opinions and advice.

I'm going to think about the things that have been posted and will reply later today.

[BLUEEYEDTHAI]

Guys thanks for all your opinions and advice.

I'm going to think about the things that have been posted and will reply later today.

Enjoylife,I traveled the world like you for 7 years in my 20s-to early 30s.I often think of people I met along the way,wondering what became of them.I clearly remember a young lady from guess where(issan)writing to me,wanting me to send money etc.So nothing has changed and the world still goes round and round.

If you continue to travel thailand will still be here when you are ready to settle.Give your relationship time to take form.Distance and new adventures will help you find the answers you seek.No matter what advice you get on this forum you will be the final judge;keep seeking knowledge,be aware and,be happy.

[needforspeed]

You came into a poor community and were seen as a nice Farang, who should and probably is way richer than all the others. It therefore was expected by all, that you deal with all expenses automatically. That's normal at such a place.

If that's shocking, it that was entirely your mistake. You could have investigated and acted correspondingly pre your visit. Not everywhere in this world people react like in your hometown.

Correct, and OP told that he is reading this forum a lot.

Maybe next time before going to Isan read something about it, there are a few hundred topics about farangs and there experiences in Isan so you arrived there well prepared, and it would mess up your time there.

If traveling for 2 years around the world and this was a shocking experience where did you travel ? gues from Portsmouth to Manchester and back, than i agree with you no shocking experiences over there.

[llso]

So the OP got hit up for a couple bottle of beers and two bottles of cheap whiskey,and a 1000 baht for a gas and a "sightseeing" trip. He said they provided him with food. Look around these villages ... do these people look like they have money to cater to a "self admonished wealthy" Farang.

I've seen it all before I know he feels terribly taken advantaged of. As some others have mentioned you are not ready for a relationship and certainly not with an Issan girl.

LL

[jackr]

Nice girl or not, would you really want to be getting mixed up in that family (she will always side with them incidentally) and, god forbid, end up in the village with them? I couldn't think of a worse scenario. Consider their ill-manners and grubby grabbing ways a wakeup call. Move on

[Naam]

I'm pretty wealthy actually...

that goes without saying. you possess a wealth of "no freaking idea" about other cultures and how a foreigner should behave abroad even though the accepted standards might differ from those in Manchester, Dublin, Canberra, Auckland or Duluth, Minnesota

[dale8]

Hello, if you love her for real you will look past any of the small annoying differences in culture as this is the way in Thailand. Ask your girlfriend what you should expect in future meetings with her family, and settle for what you can deal with. Short visits with her family will be valuable to know what your role is, and stay strong with your beliefs in the relationship or run away before you hurt anyone more as all people have strong feelings too. Cheers.

[IanForbes]

Lots of good advice here. Consider it a cheap lesson learned and move on. You can either continue supplying the whole village with money or you pleasantly end the relationship now. It's not the girl's fault, but it won't change... even if you decided to get married. It's unfortunate, but that is how it is in rural Thailand. Even if you meet a lovely woman in the city, she will still have family back home who she is EXPECTED to help. There aren't that many lovely wealthy Thai gals who are available to western men. These same stories play out a thousand times every tourist season. We only hear the ones on thaivisa.

[GuestHouse]

Here's my take on this - and its not just about the Thais in this report.

You are in your 20's doing the 'see the world' thing. You presumably have not yet established yourself financially - ie not got your career/life savings/property in your own name etc set on their foundations.

You've had the 'Cheap lesson' and don't miss the point - If you stay in a relationship with this woman she and her family are going to have their hands in your wallet for life. - See my point above, You do not yet have your own financial foundations.

So where is this relationship of yours going?

This is a WARNING - If you are not already taking care of contraception yourself, then start doing so NOW - because when your sweet little darling picks up on the fact that you want to get on with your life, there's more than a very good chance she'll make a life change for you.

Thereafter - your screwed. You'll spend the next ten years scraping and scratching a living to feed the money grubbers back in the village and when you can't take anymore of it, or more likely when you can't give anymore it will be game over.

You'll be in your mid to late 30s with no chance of starting a career, broke and nowhere to go but back home to beg off family/welfare.

Alternatively, you could hang around Thailand, making ends meet, the highlight of your week being to get dressed in your best vest, camel trophy shorts and flip-flops then head down to sit with the boys outside the local convenience store hugging a steadily warming bottle of Chang Beer.

You wanted to see the world - You've seen Isaan - Now move on before its too late.