Oldie One Liners

[alvino]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

the ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost

my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,

"Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under

his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field; Daisy

says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were

nothing to look at either.

11.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My

dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks

the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my Mom or my Dad, or maybe my older brother

Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But, I'm

pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him

50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for

experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

17. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they

lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

21. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

22. The dyslexic Rabbi stubbed his toe and moaned, "Yo!"

23. "I wonder who's kissing her now?"

What's her now?

[Popeyethesailorman]

Rodney Dangerfield's 22 Best One-Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

[CHOPTHAI]

Rodney Dangerfield's 22 Best One-Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[lampard10]

My favourite is still;

' I had my dog put down yesterday'

' Was it mad?'

' It wasn't too &lt;deleted&gt; pleased'

Edited May 14, 2005 by lampard10

[dr_Pat_Pong]

My favourite is still;

' I had my dog put down yesterday'

' Was it mad?'

' It wasn't too &lt;deleted&gt; pleased'

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[mnoorsapl]

Alvino, Popeyethesailorman, great job guys

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!