How To Tell My Wife She Is Too Fat?

[Johnniey]

I'm not really sure where to post this problem I have - here, general, health, or family forum.

The problem - my wife(Thai) is now weighing in at 100 Kg. When we got married 13 years ago she was 43 kg. Yes, she is older, 35, and has had 3 of our children. She went up to about 90 kg during pregnancies but always looked after herself going to aerobics and the gym to get back to her normal attractive size.

However, recently, she has become lazy, saying that she doesn't have time to exercise and has a sore knee. She eats a lot and jokes about her fatness.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I really don't like it and if she doesn't make an effort to look better, I might leave her. It's embarrassing when I take her certain places. I have totally lost sexual interest in her too and she thinks I don't love her anymore.

How would I best tell her that she has to change? Am I being unreasonable?

[sbk]

Serioulsy? She's gone from 43 to 100kg? How tall is she?

Could there be an underlying health issue besides the knee?

[eurasianthai]

I think you should have told her when she reached the 50 kg mark

[F1fanatic]

Try telling her she's 'pompui'.

We'll all be interested to hear whether she responds well.

[eurasianthai]

Serioulsy? She's gone from 43 to 100kg? How tall is she?

1.5m is my guess

[MiG16]

she is your wife who you have had 3 children with, I would assume the relationship is strong enough that you can tell her she has gained weight?

to avoid causing her distress dont use the word 'fat' (or uan), but you can do a number of things like:

suggest to her you would like to start doing some exercise, and would like her to come along

if she starts to get a little bit sensitive about the topic, have an open talk and let her know that you worry about her health and what the sudden increase might do

(avoid linking it to being unattractive)

thats what I can think of

good luck

[zorro1]

"she is your wife who you have had 3 children with, I would assume the relationship is strong enough that you can tell her she has gained weight?"

no relationship is that strong

[Mossfinn]

let her know that you worry about her health and what the sudden increase might do

Health issues is the way to target this, 43kgs would suggest she is fairly small, so 100 kgs will be putting tremendous pressure on her health.

I would suggest threats would not be very proactive and almost certainly counter-productive.

[Mossfinn]

I would also suggest getting her checked out with the Doc, high blood pressure, diabetes, blood tests et al

[eek]

Dramatic increase. You said in the past she took interest in Aerobics etc. So, maybe there is an underIying issue. Even though she jokes about her weight, is there any indication she is feeIing depressed? Many peopIe gain weight (or Iose) a Iot of weight when they feeI depressed and unmotivated. The weight gain may just be a symptom of something deeper. Need to find the cause of the weight gain (and i dont mean the eating too much food part!). Is she comfort eating? whats her eating habits?

P.S: Hope you are in shape yourseIf Johnniey. Im aII about the baIance in things.

[F1fanatic]

she is your wife who you have had 3 children with, I would assume the relationship is strong enough that you can tell her she has gained weight?

to avoid causing her distress dont use the word 'fat' (or uan), but you can do a number of things like:

suggest to her you would like to start doing some exercise, and would like her to come along

if she starts to get a little bit sensitive about the topic, have an open talk and let her know that you worry about her health and what the sudden increase might do

(avoid linking it to being unattractive)

thats what I can think of

good luck

So you don't think he should call her 'pompui'?

Your post in the 'Pompui thread' says its a friendly word, so surely it makes sense to use it in this case?

Or is it only friendly (or loving) when a Thai woman says it to a farang male?

[DragonQuest]

Your screwed , get a new wife.

[Boo]

op I would suggest that direct discussion is the only way. Not in the sense of "dam_n woman you are so fat, sort it out" but more along the lines of;

"I am concerned about your weight gain, I think it is damaging to your health & our relationship & I am worried about you, is there something you want to talk about or is there anyway I can help you"

Find out if there are any depression issues or maybe boredom, does she work?

Suggest family bike rides (how old are the kids) or buy a Wii fit or some exercise machines for home if she is embarrassed to go to the gym.

I would also suggest she get a full check up for diabetes & other illnesses cause 100kg on even an averaged sized thai women is very big.

[Carib]

Married 13 years, 3 kids and you may leave her because she has become twice the size woman you married.

Although I don't like " fat" woman myself, I cannot imagine that you are going to leave just because of something that can be fixed and possibly also leave three children.

Don't you think you should have said/ done something in an earlier stage?? The more weight, the harder to reverse the process. about 50 kilo takes some time to add, so what did you do in between??

Part of the problem could be you too, not really a great motivator are you??

Sexual life has come to a halt, and `she thinks` you don't love her anymore, well go and do something about it, both of you, it could be the start of something new.

She obviously needs help one way or the other, either physical or mental, so the obvious thing to do is to help her.

[Johnniey]

Serioulsy? She's gone from 43 to 100kg? How tall is she?

Could there be an underlying health issue besides the knee?

She is 169 cm tall. She was extremely thin when we met.

I think I'll suggest she visit the doctor for a check-up.

She was depressed a couple of months ago but thought it was just her hormones and is happy now(maybe all the food).

I am a member of a gym and offered to get her a years membership but she wouldn't have it.

[Johnniey]

she is your wife who you have had 3 children with, I would assume the relationship is strong enough that you can tell her she has gained weight?

to avoid causing her distress dont use the word 'fat' (or uan), but you can do a number of things like:

suggest to her you would like to start doing some exercise, and would like her to come along

if she starts to get a little bit sensitive about the topic, have an open talk and let her know that you worry about her health and what the sudden increase might do

(avoid linking it to being unattractive)

thats what I can think of

good luck

I don't need to tell her she's gained weight, it's so obvious. I usually talk straight with her but I am worried that if she is depressed it might make things worse if I threaten to leave her. I don't think I would leave but.....

Good advice - thanks - I'll say that I worry about her health.

BTW, I am in very good shape for a 42 year old - one reason I think it bothers me so much.

Boo - good advice thanks - a wii might be a good idea(the kids and I would like it too), or maybe an exercise bike,

Edited April 18, 2010 by Johnniey

[Carib]

Serioulsy? She's gone from 43 to 100kg? How tall is she?

Could there be an underlying health issue besides the knee?

She is 169 cm tall. She was extremely thin when we met.

I think I'll suggest she visit the doctor for a check-up.

She was depressed a couple of months ago but thought it was just her hormones and is happy now(maybe all the food).

I am a member of a gym and offered to get her a years membership but she wouldn't have it.

Try harder, something will give way, and try to not let that be your marriage + kids.

She thinks you don't love her anymore, use it ( in a friendly way) to motivate her. Make it an adventure, not easy I know.

[F1fanatic]

Its depressing though (IMO) when you only love someone as long as they fit into your idea of an ideal weight.

Thinking of leaving someone cos they're 'fat' proves only one thing to me.......

Incidentally, no - I'm not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, but went through a few years when I was (due to a medical problem that it took a long time to diagnose), so I sympathise with anyone who's overweight.

[sbk]

Actually I am with Boo. This could be something far more than just a simple weight gain. and anyone who loves their partner loves them enough to not want to see them suffer ill health.

and F1, you've made it clear what you think, derailing a topic because you fail to accept others' opinions isn't really acceptable. Drop it.

[MiG16]

F1, I think you need to look at the 2 issues in context

my response about 'pumpui' was a general meaning /use of the word, and as said tends to be used to refer to someone who is chubby, and also usually with non malicious intent

in the case of the OP and his wife here, I think sensitivity should take priority. dont you? people dont become double their orginal weight without possibilities of some psychological effect linked to the increase in their size. making jokes of it would, at least in my opinion, be the wrong way to go about it, no matter how non malicious

and OP, I dont think at any point was I implying that you should consider leaving her........

and yes Im sure she realises and doesnt need the obvious pointed out, but my suggestion was to tackle/initiate the conversation as a 'you have gained weight' rather than 'you have become fat'

and you can always try the asking her to come along on exercise outings before suggesting a health check? health check could be next step....and could be brought up if while on exercise she mentioned being too tired (your excuse: ohh darling, you seem easily tired, maybe have the doctor look at you? or they might prescribe some vitamins to gain energy?'

you can also use the weather to say, ohh perhaps the heat is affecting you.......and makes it difficult for you (to exercise)

of course Im just coming up with scenario based on assumptions of what her response might be IF she takes u up on the exercise offer

again, good luck

by the way, very creative ideas for exercise suggestions from Boo

Suggest family bike rides (how old are the kids) or buy a Wii fit or some exercise machines for home if she is embarrassed to go to the gym.

[SantiSuk]

My wife used to ask me whether I would still love her if she got fat and I always used to say no (I told her that was because it would probably indicate she is not trying and would reflect on something in our relationship). Now following the birth of our child she has gone from 50 to 70kg. Bless her though she is slimming like crazy - and using lots of our money* to get her weight down. Really tough for an Isaan family girl to resist the constant grazing opportunities.

The first 4kg came off at a Bangkok rip-off slimming centre (cost 60,000 baht for 10 days). Money well spent - now she looks beautiful and slightly overweight not sluggish and fat. If she wants to have surgical fat removal I'm happy we use money for that too. My only complaint is that she will not go running with me, but she asked about an exercise bike yesterday and this thread has prompted me to react enthusiastically to that - and thinking about it yes I'll get that swimming pool added to the house sooner rather than later when the baby is big enough and maybe put a gymn room in with it. Thank you people there are ways of reacting to this positively rather than wondering if one should dump your partner after all!

I don't agree with all this dancing around the subject - I told her that I did still love her of course, against my predictions, but that she didn't look so good as she used to. She said she knew it and we went forward from there. She's doing it for herself, not just because of how I think.

I wrote 'my money' first. Clearly I have a way to go in the relationship!

[Boo]

lol santisuk, I think yours is an honest post tbh. A lot of people, women included, do find excessive weight gain in a partner off putting. Not so much as to leave them becuase of the weight gain but rather the lack of care in their partners opinion, as it does affect their life too.

I had the opposite problem with my husband, when we met I was big & got bigger due to having an unknown medical condition. It was never an issue but he was aware of the affect it had on my self esteem so was supportive when I attempted to diet. I lost some weight after I was diagnosed then put some back on once I was pregnant, then lost ALOT of weight in the last 3 years.

My husband recently complained that I was getting too thin & to not go too far as he was concerned I would get & look ill. I took his concerns seriously but told him that I was still over my healthy weight (according to the doctor) & that for my own wellbeing aimed to lose another stone & then see how I felt then. This will also be the weight I was all through my teens & early 20's until my illness kicked in & I felt & looked great in those days so that's my goal.

He on the other hand has gained weight since moving back to thailand, a combination of a less active lifestyle ((in UK he had a manual job) & the abundance of home food so I have been making some mention of his "food baby" belly & he admitted he didn't feel so great about it & has cut down of fatty foods too & lost a little of the paunch.

In an open & stable relationship I think these things can be addressed directly but you have to know the right way to address it & to not show your possible disgust or offer ultimatums.

[StreetCowboy]

Sell the car. Its wortrh making some sacrifices.

Get the knee looked at.

SC

[JimmyTheMook]

Trade her in for a new sleek model

[SantiSuk]

Trade her in for a new sleek model

New sleek models depreciate too fast in Thailand and many get stolen back by their previous owners. More rewarding to spend money maintaining (perhaps a bad choice of words) the existing one.

[bangkoklight]

Tell her that you're going to get a new, smaller, city car that's more fuel efficient and see if she gets the hint...

[SantiSuk]

Tell her that you're going to get a new, smaller, city car that's more fuel efficient and see if she gets the hint...

[kevozman1]

If you have moved her to a colder country (just guessing here) then

its probably the fact when she was in the tropics the hot weather

and spicy snacks kept her in shape without any real excersise.

Feel for you there mate, is a tricky one.

[Naam]

Try telling her she's 'pompui'.

We'll all be interested to hear whether she responds well.

but it is advisable to wear an armour.

[MB1]

she is your wife who you have had 3 children with, I would assume the relationship is strong enough that you can tell her she has gained weight?

to avoid causing her distress dont use the word 'fat' (or uan), but you can do a number of things like:

suggest to her you would like to start doing some exercise, and would like her to come along

if she starts to get a little bit sensitive about the topic, have an open talk and let her know that you worry about her health and what the sudden increase might do

(avoid linking it to being unattractive)

thats what I can think of

good luck

I don't need to tell her she's gained weight, it's so obvious. I usually talk straight with her but I am worried that if she is depressed it might make things worse if I threaten to leave her. I don't think I would leave but.....

Good advice - thanks - I'll say that I worry about her health.

BTW, I am in very good shape for a 42 year old - one reason I think it bothers me so much.

Boo - good advice thanks - a wii might be a good idea(the kids and I would like it too), or maybe an exercise bike,

I must be crap at maths or can't read in between the lines, in the opening post you said your wife was 35, and "yes she is older"...Quoted below..

The problem - my wife(Thai) is now weighing in at 100 Kg. When we got married 13 years ago she was 43 kg. "Yes, she is older, 35," and has had 3 of our children. She went up to about 90 kg during pregnancies but always looked after herself going to aerobics and the gym to get back to her normal attractive size.

And then you say in another post "I am in very good shape for a 42 year old" , who's writing this , you or your wife.?.

Jeez I'm confused, she's 35 and older than you but now your older at 42... But I'll give my opinion whether it be right or wrong because when I was younger I had a different attitude, now I'm younger but wiser.

OP when I was younger I used to say that if I married a slim energetic beautiful woman and she then turned out to be fat and lazy, I'd go to court with the wedding photographs and show them to a judge and want a divorce under the "trade descriptions act", now I realise that women gain weight and go overweight for many different reasons and it's not just a reason of being lazy, health can play a big part also lack of exercise and motivation, an English saying springs to mind "fat and happy", but IMO it's love that counts, for better for worse.

IMO you need to talk to her and find out if it's a health related issue, if not then you need to try and give her some kind of motivation to loose weight if she want's to.

Good luck.

Edited April 20, 2010 by MB1