How Much To Pay The Mother In Law?

[travelmann]

My personal take on this, as someone who has to pay the in laws because nobody else in the family does, is that it is really rude to refuse to pay your fair share. You know the score when marrying one of these ladies. You should know the monthly support rate before getting involved. If you think it is too high, find a different girl/family. Once you have made your selection, it is your responsibility to assume a percentage of support proportional to those with means. If there are 3 farangs in the family, each should pay one third. If there are 2, each should pay one half. If you choose a girl from a family already infected with the farang virus, then you simply have to accept the consequences of your selection.

The OP's original story struck me as being exceedingly unreasonable, despite a very practical and well meaning suggestion from the other farang in the family. Personally, if I was that other farang, I would do everything I could to poison the relationship between the sister in law and the incoming cheap charlie. I would constantly be making up stories about him and telling the sister in law what a good for nothing useless POS he truly was, and how many prostitutes I saw him taking from the bar the other night.

I am quite certain it would eventually end in divorce, and I would help the SIL with good lawyers to soak him for everything she could get, as well as free advice during the marriage on how to maximize her take.

What the OP is doing is just plain rude, not to mention stupid. Carry your own weight or get lost. Those are your options. If you don't like the existing arrangement, find a new girl/family that is currently unencumbered where you can make your own dynamic. It isn't like there aren't thousands to choose from.

And why doesnt anyoneelse pay in your family?

[Moonrakers]

is that it is really rude to refuse to pay your fair share.

I'll always gladly pay my share. In this instance, my share will be exactly zero.

[thaimate]

I have never been asked for anything ,but occasionally when my wife visits her home we give her mum about 5k which she immediatly gives to the kids to spend

[Kwasaki]

My Thai muma gives me 200 bath from her monthly 500 bath she receives from the government so l can get a couple of beers.

You get 200 bath- s? You need 200 bath to buy beer?How do you carry them? How much does one bath weigh? Better you than me, Gunga Din.

Yeah !! spell-check can't spot that one l rely on it heavily, 200baths worth of beer would be good though.:jap:

[inthepink]

My personal take on this, as someone who has to pay the in laws because nobody else in the family does, is that it is really rude to refuse to pay your fair share. You know the score when marrying one of these ladies. You should know the monthly support rate before getting involved. If you think it is too high, find a different girl/family. Once you have made your selection, it is your responsibility to assume a percentage of support proportional to those with means. If there are 3 farangs in the family, each should pay one third. If there are 2, each should pay one half. If you choose a girl from a family already infected with the farang virus, then you simply have to accept the consequences of your selection.

The OP's original story struck me as being exceedingly unreasonable, despite a very practical and well meaning suggestion from the other farang in the family. Personally, if I was that other farang, I would do everything I could to poison the relationship between the sister in law and the incoming cheap charlie. I would constantly be making up stories about him and telling the sister in law what a good for nothing useless POS he truly was, and how many prostitutes I saw him taking from the bar the other night.

I am quite certain it would eventually end in divorce, and I would help the SIL with good lawyers to soak him for everything she could get, as well as free advice during the marriage on how to maximize her take.

What the OP is doing is just plain rude, not to mention stupid. Carry your own weight or get lost. Those are your options. If you don't like the existing arrangement, find a new girl/family that is currently unencumbered where you can make your own dynamic. It isn't like there aren't thousands to choose from.

Unless he is marrying a prostitute I think this is one of the more ridiculous posts on this thread.

[Misplaced]

you people are whining about approx. $100/month to keep wife happy? are you kidding? $100 is gonna break ya?

Edited November 14, 2010 by Misplaced

[crazygreg44]

Another classic.

it s a matter of how to deal with it. Tell your Thai Spouse , you grant her definitely 6000 Bahrt per vmonth. Tell her, on how to use the money is up to yours . . but never ask me for more, again. Sick water buffaloes, you go Isaan , i want to see them !!!

[craigt3365]

I don't usually get involved with discussions like this but I would like to clarify something. Traditionally, the parents are taken care financially by the son(s) of the family. If the family doesn't have a son, normally the daughter(s) would have to take care of them instead. In many case, the duty falls to the oldest of the offspring alone. That's one of the reasons why the oldest often get the biggest share of the inheritance. Anyway, the obligation is their alone, not yours. You may help your wife in supporting her aging parents voluntarily. There is nothing wrong with that. Many people do it but it's not a duty or compulsory for you. You have already paid that by paying SidSod. They should not demand this support from you.

Best regards,

Roy

I'm happy to see someone who can see a bit further than the usual "taking advantage of farangs" thing.

Both my gf and her siblings pay some allowance to their parents since they started to work. Why ? Because it's the right thing to do. There is no retirement scheme in Thailand . Parents pay for their kids then kids pay for their parent. For some it's more symbolic, for others it's more needed.

But some time people get too greedy, it's up to you to set up the limit you're comfortable with.

For sure it is a cultural thing. One most foreigners get really heated up about. It was hard to get my head around this initially, until I saw how many Thai's were supporting their extended families. It's just the way it is done here...at least for the poor farmers in Issan. This has nothing to do with taking advantage of the farang. As the adage goes, you don't just marry the woman, you also marry the family.

For all you guys who married hi-so gals with rich parents...congrats! Not all of us are in that boat...and we "man up" to supporting our extended families...within reason.

How much monthly allowance did you pay your western, ex MiL (assuming your a divorced expat)?

Pay the new one exactly the same amount, just to be fair.

I never paid my ex MIL, she was a multi-millionaire, but my ex got everything anyway! My father use to give money to my Mother's family as they were very poor. It happens all the time back home.

But let's get serious here. If the family is in need, what's 4k baht per month? As long as they are not gambling and drinking every day, it's no big deal. I know in my case, a lot is going for medical care. Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks.

[cdnvic]

Craig is 100% correct, it is normal in Thai culture (and most others FTM) to help support ageing relatives. Unfortunately some see westerners as a winning lotto ticket and get greedy. Those ones, coupled with westerners who refuse to understand the local customs, are responsible for the broad misconception that Thai in-laws see western in-laws as cash machines.

[travelmann]

Amazingly there are financially independent women on good salaries with equally financially independent families who have no want nor need for your money. The stark brutal truth is in the majority of cases these women are not to be found wearing Chang Beer mini dresses serving ale at an outside bar, selling you a packet of ciggies behind the counter at 7-11 or as sales girls at the local mall hovering round the Pierre Cardin 50% off racks. Not even taking into account the girls who are experts in different types of hotel bathrooms and ceiling designs.

There are some women who only have small salaries that are also careful with money ( 10-12000 baht month) and who save quite well, I know I married one but she is the only one in her family of ten who is like this and rest try and sponge (unsuccessfully) off her.

[IanForbes]

Craig is 100% correct, it is normal in Thai culture (and most others FTM) to help support ageing relatives. Unfortunately some see westerners as a winning lotto ticket and get greedy. Those ones, coupled with westerners who refuse to understand the local customs, are responsible for the broad misconception that Thai in-laws see western in-laws as cash machines.

You pretty much nailed it in that paragraph. People seem to want to use generalities for specific situations. It just doesn't work that way. Every case is different. You just have to be wise enough to know which is which. Many of the problems here are similar in North America. When a marriage works well then everything is fine. But, when there are problems, it can be messy anywhere. It's silly to take specific comparisons and make them cover generalities.

[craigt3365]

Craig is 100% correct, it is normal in Thai culture (and most others FTM) to help support ageing relatives. Unfortunately some see westerners as a winning lotto ticket and get greedy. Those ones, coupled with westerners who refuse to understand the local customs, are responsible for the broad misconception that Thai in-laws see western in-laws as cash machines.

Not long ago, my wife's aunt asked for 20k. Being extremely cautious, I asked why. Come to find out she has some serious medical problems and even though her husband is in the army, they are not covering everything. And this uncle is one of the rare one's who doesn't agree with corruption. He's a pretty straight arrow.

During this discussion, I found out he use to pay for my wife's schooling after her grandma and grandpa passed away...they were paying for her schooling until they passed. I dug deeper and found out how deep this family support network is. When in need, everybody pitched in. No farangs were involved. Just family helping family anyway they could. Tough to beat that.

And as mentioned previously, there is no "social security" for old folks here in Thailand. Sure, there are a few programs where they get a few baht...like if you are blind. But not enough to truly support them. It is up to the kids to do that. Married or no. Farang husbands or not.

And yes, there are some really bad apples out there. They take advantage of not only farangs, but Thai family members as well....

[Kilgore Trout]

I guess theres a couple born every minute

[Wallaby]

What happens when the WG guy decides to split with his woman, do you then have to take up HIS half of the handout?

I have no problem with people that want to give an allowance but it has nothing to do with what the WG is paying.

Let your girl work and do whatever she wants with what she earns, up to her. If you feel obliged to give money then just give the amount that doesn't hurt you and not too much that the whole village gets a cut everytime you call buy.

Remember, the more you give the more you have to keep giving to save face after all the bragging.

[MSingh]

Not so cleverly disguised Prostitution.

[IanForbes]

Not so cleverly disguised Prostitution.

Aren't a lot of western marriages? How about the trophy wives? There is no one size fits all in this discussion. There are users and losers in every society. There's also a lot of good folks.

The sin sod discussion is an old one, and well documented on thaivisa. It was originated when a man took a young, previously chaste, woman away from her family. It was not meant for women who ALREADY CHOSE to be married and have children by other men, and then later parted. Second term marriages don't count in the sin sod situation, even though some greedy families want to include them.

[craigt3365]

Not so cleverly disguised Prostitution.

And how is so different from other countries? I use to live in Newport Beach, California. They called them "trophy wives". Don't work, drive luxury cars, expensive clothes, nice lunchs by the sea....other than a bit more upscale than here, what's the difference?

I give my wife a "salary" as I do NOT want her to work. She wanted to, but I would not let her as I wanted to travel...which we did for 5+ years. Obviously, not a tough decision for her. Almost all of her salary, which is very small, goes to her family....I set this up before we got married.

[Huey]

Glad I didn't marry into that family. Damm. I wouldn't pay shit.

[vreemd13]

I don't usually get involved with discussions like this but I would like to clarify something. Traditionally, the parents are taken care financially by the son(s) of the family. If the family doesn't have a son, normally the daughter(s) would have to take care of them instead. In many case, the duty falls to the oldest of the offspring alone. That's one of the reasons why the oldest often get the biggest share of the inheritance. Anyway, the obligation is their alone, not yours. You may help your wife in supporting her aging parents voluntarily. There is nothing wrong with that. Many people do it but it's not a duty or compulsory for you. You have already paid that by paying SidSod. They should not demand this support from you.

Best regards,

Roy

I'm happy to see someone who can see a bit further than the usual "taking advantage of farangs" thing.

Both my gf and her siblings pay some allowance to their parents since they started to work. Why ? Because it's the right thing to do. There is no retirement scheme in Thailand . Parents pay for their kids then kids pay for their parent. For some it's more symbolic, for others it's more needed.

But some time people get too greedy, it's up to you to set up the limit you're comfortable with.

For sure it is a cultural thing. One most foreigners get really heated up about. It was hard to get my head around this initially, until I saw how many Thai's were supporting their extended families. It's just the way it is done here...at least for the poor farmers in Issan. This has nothing to do with taking advantage of the farang. As the adage goes, you don't just marry the woman, you also marry the family.

For all you guys who married hi-so gals with rich parents...congrats! Not all of us are in that boat...and we "man up" to supporting our extended families...within reason.

How much monthly allowance did you pay your western, ex MiL (assuming your a divorced expat)?

Pay the new one exactly the same amount, just to be fair.

I never paid my ex MIL, she was a multi-millionaire, but my ex got everything anyway! My father use to give money to my Mother's family as they were very poor. It happens all the time back home.

But let's get serious here. If the family is in need, what's 4k baht per month? As long as they are not gambling and drinking every day, it's no big deal. I know in my case, a lot is going for medical care. Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks.

Wow Graigth3365,

I just want to comment on your last sentence words "Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks"

Really !!!!

My friend for 4yrs asked me to transfer 6.000B to pay for his own hospital visit after a motorcy accident.

Guess what !!!!

It turned out his sister cousin did visit a hospital after she was involved in a motorcy accident (she crossed walking a street drunk and got caugth by motorcy) for a total hospital bill of 55B (including medicine)

Yeah, a very good 20000% deal program

Probably the 30B program can be a good program for thai, if uninformed foreign people are involved

Edited November 15, 2010 by vreemd13

[sarahsbloke]

But let's get serious here. If the family is in need, what's 4k baht per month? As long as they are not gambling and drinking every day, it's no big deal. I know in my case, a lot is going for medical care. Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks.

I've found it to be very good.

Some rellys went to have a baby in a village hospital last month, the rooms and equipment ther,e were as good as any I saw in the UK. I thought it must be a private hospital, when I asked the mother how much she paid to have the baby there, she replied "30 bht"

As vreed stated, buffaloes pay more!

Edited November 16, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[craigt3365]

Glad I didn't marry into that family. Damm. I wouldn't pay shit.

For sure, with that attitude, you would have never made it. Sad, as it is a great family.

For sure it is a cultural thing. One most foreigners get really heated up about. It was hard to get my head around this initially, until I saw how many Thai's were supporting their extended families. It's just the way it is done here...at least for the poor farmers in Issan. This has nothing to do with taking advantage of the farang. As the adage goes, you don't just marry the woman, you also marry the family.

For all you guys who married hi-so gals with rich parents...congrats! Not all of us are in that boat...and we "man up" to supporting our extended families...within reason.

How much monthly allowance did you pay your western, ex MiL (assuming your a divorced expat)?

Pay the new one exactly the same amount, just to be fair.

I never paid my ex MIL, she was a multi-millionaire, but my ex got everything anyway! My father use to give money to my Mother's family as they were very poor. It happens all the time back home.

But let's get serious here. If the family is in need, what's 4k baht per month? As long as they are not gambling and drinking every day, it's no big deal. I know in my case, a lot is going for medical care. Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks.

Wow Graigth3365,

I just want to comment on your last sentence words "Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks"

Really !!!!

My friend for 4yrs asked me to transfer 6.000B to pay for his own hospital visit after a motorcy accident.

Guess what !!!!

It turned out his sister cousin did visit a hospital after she was involved in a motorcy accident (she crossed walking a street drunk and got caugth by motorcy) for a total hospital bill of 55B (including medicine)

Yeah, a very good 20000% deal program

Probably the 30B program can be a good program for thai, if uninformed foreign people are involved

Sure, it works at times...but have you ever tried this yourself? My wife's mother has thyroid problems. She's been having to see the doc every other week or so for the past year. Also had high cholesterol, which we have solved with lifestyle changes and meds.

She's at the hospital at 6am to queue along with several other hundred people, she leaves her village around 4am. The wait can be as little as 4 hours, but MANY times, the doc never shows up, so she has to do it again the next day. Great service for 30B. The private hospital charges her like 200B and she is seen at about the time her appointment was set. Glad she has an uninformed foreign person involved to help her.

If you like the 30B program so much, have a talk with all those blind people in Issan. Blinded by botched surgery for cataracts. But then again, it only cost 30B.

[sarahsbloke]

If you like the 30B program so much, have a talk with all those blind people in Issan. Blinded by botched surgery for cataracts. But then again, it only cost 30B.

I think you will find there are good and bad doctors in hospitals of all types all over Thailand.

A Canadian friend of mine who had a detached retina, is now almost blind in that eye after 3 very expensive operations in a Bangkok hospital .... a hospital that assured him that if he paid the money he would be fine.

In 3rd world countries

Poor people queue for medical aid.

In the UK ..... everyone queues!

Edited November 16, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[craigt3365]

If you like the 30B program so much, have a talk with all those blind people in Issan. Blinded by botched surgery for cataracts. But then again, it only cost 30B.

I think you will find there are good and bad doctors in hospitals of all types all over Thailand.

A Canadian friend of mine who had a detached retina, is now almost blind in that eye after 3 very expensive operations in a Bangkok hospital .... a hospital that assured him that if he paid the money he would be fine.

In 3rd world countries

Poor people queue for medical aid.

In the UK ..... everyone queues!

I hear ya. There are stories like that in the US. Came in to have a kidney removed and lost your leg...not good!

If I am not mistaken, the Queen Sikirit hospital in Sattahip is one of these "30B" hospitals. I was there for a specialized procedure, referred there by a dentist from Pattaya Hospital. I did have to wait about 2-3 hours, but the doc was fantastic. I got there at 6:30, book in hand, and took a seat. Of course getting the appointment took me 4 weeks. And the followup, which was critical was 6 weeks out. I opted out and went back to Pattaya Hospital and they took care of things immediately...for a very reasonable fee...and no waiting.

I'm not sure why my wife's mother is having such a hard time, but she is. I'm sure every hospital is different, some good, some bad. After the doc didn't show up again, we decided to have her go to another hospital. Makes her life much easier.

[soihok]

To the OP.

Rather than just give hand outs, here is what I have done over the years.

Wife is from Thailand, we have two kids.

There were not really any demands for anything but it was obvious that the folks weren't getting anywhere. Sure money passed hands from time to time and it seemed that was no end.

so.

I set them up with a small business, we bought a large shop house in the village and stocked it out.

The property is in my wifes name and will eventually go to my children, the price of land

in the area has shot up so it is something for the future.

So now they are self sufficient as their little venture is doing really well, plus its given them something to focus on too.

This may seem a little over the top to lay out but we ain't talking buying a hotel in Phuket kind of money here.

End of the day, everyone is happy and surely that is what we are all looking for?

[rics21]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

[soihok]

Very constructive post is that....well done!

[craigt3365]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

[elliss]

That's pretty good going huh...2 out of 3 Isaan daughters married to Western guys.

i can do better than that .

my darling ,,, three out of three isaan sisters , have farang .

the youngest sister, number 4 .

is being groomed to find a good farang darling.

german , swede , swiss....

yep , there are regular comparrison updates ,

on what farang spends ..thai culture greed, sure.

[Petesear]

I think a lot of Thai parents invest in their children whether through a good education or by just having them.

And in the parent's old age they expect a return on that investment, if it was through good schooling then no doubt the children can afford a sum of money from their own bank account when they get jobs. If the child was not so diligent, or lucky, then another way to pay must be found.

With refrence to the girls in the OP,I don't see it as the parents 'selling' their children, I'm sure the children decided the Ferang option was for them and it was not the choice of the parents, but once one had done it the others saw the light.

There is obviously not a pension set up for the OP's parents-in-law, but they have to live. If the house is paid for then 12k Baht a month is a lot in my opinion.

Why not offer your GF a monthly allowance and leave it to her to make the payments. Does she(GF) work?

[soihok]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

Craig sums up the soul of this topic really.

If you feel you are committed to your family, you will provide for them or help them to provide for themsleves.

If you want to be part of the family (and community as there is a fine line here), you will certainly be expected to at least make an effort to help. Do you help your own parents?

We, the Farang, will always be the Farang. I don't have a problem with this, after years of roaming around this planet I have learned that you are the foreigner outside of your own country.

You make an effort not only for immediate family, but if you wish to be a part of the place you stay you must contribute towards the larger picture, which is the community around your family and yourself.

What goes on in your own set of rules from where you are from, certainly ain't the same from the place you thought would be a good idea on the other side of the world.

A Thai family is not only for Christmas.

There are two ways to think of social security. In the west it is given from governments, in Thailand...social security is the family

I know where my heart is and it certainly aint back in my sad Farang homeland. ( The UK).