Living In Thailand With Family...Is It Wise?

[sailor59]

Hello everyone,

It has been some time since i wrote on Thai Visa, it was when i first discovered Thailand a few years ago.

Since then i got married with a thai lady that worked as a cook at my hotel, we moved to Greece where she got her european residence papers and then i filed petition for her for the United States, where we live now.

In two years she will get her US citizenship and we are thinking to move back to Thailand and live there, probably open some small business or working over the internet.

I should say that in 1-2 weeks we are expecting our Greek-Thai-American boy!

This is my question...is it wise to come and live in Thailand when you are married to a thai spouse? Some people told me that thai family members are taking advantage of the farang husband in many ways but mostly by trying to take money. I guess they think that we pick the money fron the tree every morning in farang countries.

I have seen some signs of this in my wife too when we visited Thailand and she gave about 400 euros to her mother on a visit to her parents house. The truth is that they dont need money, they are very well economicaly and her brother is a Lt. Col. in Royal Thai Police somewhere in Chonburi.

I spoke to her about it but i didnt get straight answers, she thinks its just normal to give money to her mother, even if she dont need it, even without telling her husband first.

I dont want to come there with family and then problems arise and i dont know what else, and find out that i made a big mistake.

Maybe there other factors that i should take under consideration, so please be kind and as people who know more, share some of your knowlwdge with me. Thank you!

[sarahsbloke]

Make sure you live as far from the family as possible (about 10hrs coach trip shoud do it)

Giving money to family, just say no.

If you are not fully financed for the rest of your life, probably not a good idea to move to Thailand.

Very hard to make money over here.

Edited July 2, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[PattayaParent]

If the father in law is a Lt. Colonel in the Thai Police YOU should be asking for money from HIM!!

[MikeyIdea]

Welcome to ThaiVisa. Congratulations to the little baby coming, that should change you life And it's a wonderful change (after the first 6 months or so…). Be prepared for not enough sleep in the beginning, if you do get enough sleep and the mother doesn't have anyone else than you helping her, then you don't help enough...

Thai family members… Most people who don't know what they are talking about will say that all Thai families take advantage of a farang husband, those who know say that some do it. I have been married twice in Thailand and neither family ever asked for a single bath, I helped them a bit anyway because I respect them, of course.

You are married to the girl and you should know her family by now. Do they deserve respect? If they do then you should help them, if they do not deserve any respect, then don't or pay very little. If you don't then it is likely that the wife will help out anyway. If that happens, quietly estimate how much she is helping them with and if it is reasonable then respect your wife for finding a middle-way solution that includes respecting you. If it's too much, then let her know that. It is normal for Thai men to help and support the wife's family a bit, perhaps the wife should think that she deserves someone better than the farang husband she has if her family is good and the man still won't accept to help then them a bit. It's all about respect. A few / couple of thousand bath per month is not unusual and it is well invested money I think, if the family is good. Never think that this happens because you are a farang, that's rubbish. Never think that paying the family a couple of thousand bath per month is the family taking advantage of you, that's rubbish. Everything is of course up to where the family lives, how old they are, ability to work, money, all of that. Family members of working age stopping to work because you pay them are not showing you respect. If the 60 year old father of your wife is still working as a construction worker then perhaps you could respect him more if he's good. It's of course all depending on your money situation too, if you're short on money, then the wife should respect that you, your wife and your child is the most important thing and pay as little as ever possible, if you're making good money, then pay more. Many westerners are plain stupid and pay way too much, that's why this is a problem in the first place. A couple of thousand bath per month sounds reasonable in your case. Nicely discuss with the wife - 2 way communication please - what is her and her parents expectations? Tell her your expectations

Living close? Never had any problems there either but of course some people do. Ask your wife. The most important ingredient in a successful and long marriage – open communication. Ask what she thinks will happen and after that explain your expectations, what does she think? Discuss compromise. I live 560 km from my extended family and I wish it had been half that. I doubt that you will have a problem with the family you briefly have described.

It takes time to get used to the extended family concept. I like it a lot but it took quite some time to get there of course. Let the wife know that you are not used to it and what you feel, so that she understands your difficulty. She doesn't feel that way herself of course so maybe she doesn't know / understand your feelings. If you try then she will try, if you don't then why should she? – communication is the key. Thais often have to be invited into open communication, Thai's dont traditionally have much of that. Thai family members watch and adapt in silence, you're probably not very good at that while the wife is. Let the wife know this and try to make her appreciate open communication

Of course the wife wanted to give money to her mother, she wants to respect her parents, perhaps she wants them to better respect her choice, perhaps she did it because she wants them to respect YOU. Why don't you ask your wife what she thinks that you should do toward her parents to show them respect, what should you have done that you didn't? Level of respect will tell if you are being use or not

"she thinks its just normal to give money to her mother, even if she dont need it, even without telling her husband first"

It IS normal to give money to her mother – if she is a well-brought up girl who respects her parents. The without telling her husband is because she is uncomfortable about talking to you about it, can you help her there?

Get a Thai birth certificate for the child at the Thai Embassy, make sure that you are in it as father. Formalize all American and European possibilities you can for the child. Your child will one day decide if it was wasted time or not but do what you can for your child now anyway.

You're married in the US but not in Thailand. You should know that in Thailand, the mother has sole custody and you have no rights and no obligations to your child. – unless you legally marry in Thailand or go through the process of legitimizing your child. If you decide to live in Thailand, then you must make sure that you legitimize your child (before problems surface). You can formalize shared custody either by registering the marriage at amphur (a hundred bath or so), petition the court (standard easy process – 50,000 bath or so in Chonburi – any lawyer will do) or register legitimization at amphur (a hundred bath or so – only available after the child is approx 7 years old and only if child and mother agree to the legitimization). Thai juvenile court is not biased against fathers or westerners, you will hear the opposite so better write point that out.

Are you ready for the biggest change in your life?

Good Luck

Edited July 2, 2010 by MikeyIdea

[MikeyIdea]

I forgot to answer - Is it wise? Yes, very wise I think. It takes time getting used to but the rewards are very well worth it

I suggest spending a couple of yours going through older posts in this forum, good information that can help you a lot here

[sailor59]

I forgot to answer - Is it wise? Yes, very wise I think. It takes time getting used to but the rewards are very well worth it

I suggest spending a couple of yours going through older posts in this forum, good information that can help you a lot here

Thank you all for your help, i should really take everything under consideration and try to see things from the Thai angle of view.

I am sure that it will be hard -i see it in small everyday things- but i know its accomplisable.

I will read older posts, and i will ask for your help again when necessary.

Thank you again!

[bifftastic]

Welcome to ThaiVisa. Congratulations to the little baby coming, that should change you life And it's a wonderful change (after the first 6 months or so…). Be prepared for not enough sleep in the beginning, if you do get enough sleep and the mother doesn't have anyone else than you helping her, then you don't help enough...

Thai family members… Most people who don't know what they are talking about will say that all Thai families take advantage of a farang husband, those who know say that some do it. I have been married twice in Thailand and neither family ever asked for a single bath, I helped them a bit anyway because I respect them, of course.

You are married to the girl and you should know her family by now. Do they deserve respect? If they do then you should help them, if they do not deserve any respect, then don't or pay very little. If you don't then it is likely that the wife will help out anyway. If that happens, quietly estimate how much she is helping them with and if it is reasonable then respect your wife for finding a middle-way solution that includes respecting you. If it's too much, then let her know that. It is normal for Thai men to help and support the wife's family a bit, perhaps the wife should think that she deserves someone better than the farang husband she has if her family is good and the man still won't accept to help then them a bit. It's all about respect. A few / couple of thousand bath per month is not unusual and it is well invested money I think, if the family is good. Never think that this happens because you are a farang, that's rubbish. Never think that paying the family a couple of thousand bath per month is the family taking advantage of you, that's rubbish. Everything is of course up to where the family lives, how old they are, ability to work, money, all of that. Family members of working age stopping to work because you pay them are not showing you respect. If the 60 year old father of your wife is still working as a construction worker then perhaps you could respect him more if he's good. It's of course all depending on your money situation too, if you're short on money, then the wife should respect that you, your wife and your child is the most important thing and pay as little as ever possible, if you're making good money, then pay more. Many westerners are plain stupid and pay way too much, that's why this is a problem in the first place. A couple of thousand bath per month sounds reasonable in your case. Nicely discuss with the wife - 2 way communication please - what is her and her parents expectations? Tell her your expectations

Living close? Never had any problems there either but of course some people do. Ask your wife. The most important ingredient in a successful and long marriage – open communication. Ask what she thinks will happen and after that explain your expectations, what does she think? Discuss compromise. I live 560 km from my extended family and I wish it had been half that. I doubt that you will have a problem with the family you briefly have described.

It takes time to get used to the extended family concept. I like it a lot but it took quite some time to get there of course. Let the wife know that you are not used to it and what you feel, so that she understands your difficulty. She doesn't feel that way herself of course so maybe she doesn't know / understand your feelings. If you try then she will try, if you don't then why should she? – communication is the key. Thais often have to be invited into open communication, Thai's dont traditionally have much of that. Thai family members watch and adapt in silence, you're probably not very good at that while the wife is. Let the wife know this and try to make her appreciate open communication

Of course the wife wanted to give money to her mother, she wants to respect her parents, perhaps she wants them to better respect her choice, perhaps she did it because she wants them to respect YOU. Why don't you ask your wife what she thinks that you should do toward her parents to show them respect, what should you have done that you didn't? Level of respect will tell if you are being use or not

"she thinks its just normal to give money to her mother, even if she dont need it, even without telling her husband first"

It IS normal to give money to her mother – if she is a well-brought up girl who respects her parents. The without telling her husband is because she is uncomfortable about talking to you about it, can you help her there?

Get a Thai birth certificate for the child at the Thai Embassy, make sure that you are in it as father. Formalize all American and European possibilities you can for the child. Your child will one day decide if it was wasted time or not but do what you can for your child now anyway.

You're married in the US but not in Thailand. You should know that in Thailand, the mother has sole custody and you have no rights and no obligations to your child. – unless you legally marry in Thailand or go through the process of legitimizing your child. If you decide to live in Thailand, then you must make sure that you legitimize your child (before problems surface). You can formalize shared custody either by registering the marriage at amphur (a hundred bath or so), petition the court (standard easy process – 50,000 bath or so in Chonburi – any lawyer will do) or register legitimization at amphur (a hundred bath or so – only available after the child is approx 7 years old and only if child and mother agree to the legitimization). Thai juvenile court is not biased against fathers or westerners, you will hear the opposite so better write point that out.

Are you ready for the biggest change in your life?

Good Luck

top post mate, very well said

[onnut]

Make sure you live as far from the fam

ily as possible (about 10hrs coach trip shoud do it)

Giving money to family, just say no.

If you are not fully financed for the rest of your life, probably not a good idea to move to Thailand.

Very hard to make money over here.

I make money here, and live close to my wifes family.

It's all good.

[onnut]

MickeyIdea

I like your answer, it's very true.

[NovaBlue05]

<BR>If the father in law is a Lt. Colonel in the Thai Police YOU should be asking for money from HIM!!<BR>

<BR><BR><BR>lol...My wife and I live in the US currently. She just met a young Thai woman whose father is in some higher up position with the police in Bangkok. They sent her to San Diego State for college. Upon completion, she married a regular Joe farang who works an ordinary job for the Govt.  Her parents are buying them a house over here...outside Washington DC...not a cheap area.    <BR><BR>Police work is apparently very lucrative in Bangkok <IMG class=bbc_emoticon alt= src="http://static.thaivisa.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/whistling.gif"><BR><BR>

[PattayaParent]

<BR>If the father in law is a Lt. Colonel in the Thai Police YOU should be asking for money from HIM!!<BR>

<BR><BR><BR>lol...My wife and I live in the US currently. She just met a young Thai woman whose father is in some higher up position with the police in Bangkok. They sent her to San Diego State for college. Upon completion, she married a regular Joe farang who works an ordinary job for the Govt.  Her parents are buying them a house over here...outside Washington DC...not a cheap area.    <BR><BR>Police work is apparently very lucrative in Bangkok <IMG class=bbc_emoticon alt= src="http://static.thaivisa.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/whistling.gif"><BR><BR>

The basic pay is not great but the perks would make a UK member of parliament blush.

[girlbetterknow]

My mother always gives money to her parents, my mother works hard for her money and always sends money to her mother for food i guess, but my mother has about 4 sisters and two brothers I know that the women send the money to my grandparents but I am pretty sure I have heard the men don't. I have no idea what the grandparents do with the amount of money that is sent. I think that money is easier made outside of Thailand. Money is not easy to be made inside Thailand as someone has already stated.

Congratulations on baby

[PattayaParent]

^are you Thai?

Can you tell us why it is that the women seem to be the ones responsible for looking after the parents?

I assume it is because the man has to look after his own wife and family and his wife's parents?

Which is contrary to other Asian countries (India, China) where a son is highly desired as it is the son's responsibility to look after the parents and daughters are often abandoned or killed at birth.

[girlbetterknow]

^are you Thai?

Can you tell us why it is that the women seem to be the ones responsible for looking after the parents?

I assume it is because the man has to look after his own wife and family and his wife's parents?

Which is contrary to other Asian countries (India, China) where a son is highly desired as it is the son's responsibility to look after the parents and daughters are often abandoned or killed at birth.

Half Thai/British brought up in Bangkok. Moved to UK now for University

I know that one of my uncles have a family to look after, but I think he only visits his mother, no gifts or money when he visits her. The other uncle works but he does not give money to the grandparents and always when my mother is about he will ask her for money and get her to buy his food etc. she obviously does it because it's her brother.... :s

I guess because my mother and her siblings went to a Thai private school they got taught to respect their parents more no matter what they do to you? I have no idea.

My grandparents are pretty well off so I don't really know why they need so much money ...

But I am seeing that the younger generation are slightly different they do their ''thing'' and care more for themselves rather than the families