Quantas Maintanance Division

[petercallen]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a GRIPE SHEET which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document there repairs on the form, the pilots review the GRIPE SHEETS before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots( marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with a S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident resulting in the loss of life.

P. Left inside main Tyre almost needs replacement.

S. Almost replaced left inside main Tyre

P. Test flight OK, except auto land very rough

S. auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P.Something loose ibin cockpit.

S. Something tightened in cockpit.

P. Dead bugs on windshield.

S. Live bugs on back order.

P. autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S.Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S. evidence removed

P. DME volume unbelievably loud.

S. DME volume set to a more believable level.

P. friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S. Thats what friction locks are for.

P. Inoperative in off mode.

S. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P. Suspect crack in wind shield.

S. Suspect you are right.

P. Number 3 engine is missing

S. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P. Aircraft handles funny.

S. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P. Target radar hums.

S. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P. Mouse in cockpit.

S. Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S. Took hammer away from midget.

[Donnyboy]

never, ever?

Post-war, it lost another two aircraft with the loss of 17 lives. To this date, the last fatal accident suffered by Qantas was in 1951

i love the responses

Edited July 27, 2010 by Donnyboy

[samran]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one

Qantas, not Quantas

[Kwasaki]

Good laugh Petercallen I had not heard or seen that one.

I thought this was a joke site but still people try to spoil it being serious, Ok ! right about the accidents, this is a joke about JETS.

Quantas -- Qatus who cares maybe " typo mistake " it's only a joke not a English lesson.

[petercallen]

never, ever?

Post-war, it lost another two aircraft with the loss of 17 lives. To this date, the last fatal accident suffered by Qantas was in 1951

i love the responses

OK to stop nitpicking qantas has not had a fatal accident since becoming a jet airline.

[BB1950]

It's not limited to Qantas.

During the Vietnam War, I was in the USAF, stationed in Korat. A C130 Colonel wrote in the log book:

"Left ball hangs low."

I believe he was referring to an instrument called an Attitude Indicator which shows the position of the aircraft in reference to the horizon, but old Colonels aren't very smart.

My response:

"Readjusted left ball. Heading to town for a quickie, just 200 baht. Suggest you do the same."

[coolhandjoe]

Passengers on a packed 747 jumbo from London have spoken of their terror after a gaping hole appeared in the plane they were travelling on.

A spokesman for quantas has denied that Jordan was onboard