Thai Dating Culture?

[SailingHome]

I am staring to get the impression that dating for Thai's is not the same as Westerners. Most cultures do many things differently, so I'm ok with that. What doesn't make sense to me is that it seems like "butterfly" applies to anyone that doesn't marry the first person they date. I prefer to be dating many women at one time until I find one that I want to get to know better. Then we get more serious and only date each other. Most of the time those don't go too far... back to dating others again This is normal for Western culture. Not so for Thai's?

[CanInBKK]

What's your idea of "dating"? Casual dinner and a movie? Just the two of you? With a group of friends? Weekend getaways for just the two of you?

Edited August 15, 2010 by CanInBKK

[SailingHome]

Good point. "Dating" where I come from is you go out to dinner, dancing, movie, a fun day at the beach, etc. Some times as couples in a group some times alone. Some times even to family events if you know each other well. To some, they are sleeping with everyone, but for me it's not. If I am sleeping with someone, I am a couple of months in to an exclusive relationship.

[canuckamuck]

Thais appear to enjoy being jealous and overreacting about little things. Have fun with your multiple dating scenario, it ought to be a big hit over here.

[hhgz]

When I first moved to Thailand, I was amazed by the number of guys with multiple girlfriends and all of their dating activities. I then discovered "dating" was an act of prostitution, and "a girlfriend" was a prostitute. Lesson learned.

[SailingHome]

When I first moved to Thailand, I was amazed by the number of guys with multiple girlfriends and all of their dating activities. I then discovered "dating" was an act of prostitution, and "a girlfriend" was a prostitute. Lesson learned.

Now, that is a butterfly However, I am sensing that just liking 2 different people is taboo.

[TheLaughingMan]

It comes down to sex. If ANY Thai girl gets upset and thinks you are a butterfly just explain you are not having sex with the women you date, they cant argue that. No sex and you are doing nothing wrong.

[SailingHome]

It comes down to sex. If ANY Thai girl gets upset and thinks you are a butterfly just explain you are not having sex with the women you date, they cant argue that. No sex and you are doing nothing wrong.

Now, that's more like it Of course, the smile has to match This has worked for others and seems to be the norm then?

[elliss]

It comes down to sex. If ANY Thai girl gets upset and thinks you are a butterfly just explain you are not having sex with the women you date, they cant argue that. No sex and you are doing nothing wrong.

Now, that's more like it Of course, the smile has to match

tell her it is very important , that you meet other ladies ,

cos , you want to learn thai culture . really ???

probaly she wont be too happy , you spend your money , on other lady .

[TheLaughingMan]

Wait just to be clear, you can't be having sex with the woman you are telling you aren't having sex with your other dates. If you aren't having sex with HER, she has nothing to say, and if she does get upset act offended since you haven't even had sex with her yet. If she's jealous and she hasn't slept with you yet.... that's a sign she is going to be trouble, best leave her alone.

[sarahsbloke]

I have found Thais often discuss, weddings and children on a first or second date.

If the couple find each other suitable things move very fast.

A friend of mine (western) met a respectable lady (Thai), and she was devastated when after seeing each other for a week he didn't want to marry her.

Edited August 15, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[Thakkar]

Thais appear to enjoy being jealous and overreacting about little things. Have fun with your multiple dating scenario, it ought to be a big hit over here.

To the OP:

It's been a while since I've dated, but I don't think things have changed so much, so, for what it's worth:

It isn't that Thai's don't 'play the field' but it isn't done openly. Each partner is made to feel like they are The One. Other on-going relationships (and in some cases even past, long-dead relationships) are not mentioned, alluded to, or generally touched upon. If either party is seeing other people, a little subterfuge and sensible reticence is the order of the day. This is true in much of Asia. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but that's the way it is (or was, anyway).

[SailingHome]

Thais appear to enjoy being jealous and overreacting about little things. Have fun with your multiple dating scenario, it ought to be a big hit over here.

To the OP:

It's been a while since I've dated, but I don't think things have changed so much, so, for what it's worth:

It isn't that Thai's don't 'play the field' but it isn't done openly. Each partner is made to feel like they are The One. Other on-going relationships (and in some cases even past, long-dead relationships) are not mentioned, alluded to, or generally touched upon. If either party is seeing other people, a little subterfuge and sensible reticence is the order of the day. This is true in much of Asia. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but that's the way it is (or was, anyway).

OK. Now, that's what I was looking for. The cultural standpoint of Thailand/Asia. I will be more clear in my quesions

[SailingHome]

I have found Thais often discuss, weddings and children on a first or second date.

If the couple find each other suitable things move very fast.

A friend of mine (western) met a respectable lady (Thai), and she was devastated when after seeing each other for a week he didn't want to marry her.

There are some Westerners that do the same... 99% of them get divorced. I've learned better. I do want to be sensitive to another culture's way of doing things, but I am going to be up front that in my culture we want to make sure there is compatibility first.

OTOH, Asians tend to be more serving and open and sharing of themselves where Western culture is all about independence. Two seemingly compatible Asians who each by normal custom and every-day example are giving and willing communicate will likely last longer in a relationship.

This should be a fun experience

[jaideeguy]

One thing that I have observed is that outside of BKK, your first date with a 'decent' Thai girl will most likely be chaperoned by either a friend or relative.....sometimes many. Be prepared to host more than one.

Girls are considered 'loose' if they go out on a first date unchaperoned, especially with a falang.

[SailingHome]

One thing that I have observed is that outside of BKK, your first date with a 'decent' Thai girl will most likely be chaperoned by either a friend or relative.....sometimes many. Be prepared to host more than one.

Girls are considered 'loose' if they go out on a first date unchaperoned, especially with a falang.

COOL! I think I may just get out of the city... I supposed Phuket, Chaing Mai, and other "cities" are a lot like BKK? Also, I am getting the impression that in the NE, dating is more like the Laos customs?

[Genericnic]

I have found Thais often discuss, weddings and children on a first or second date.

If the couple find each other suitable things move very fast.

A friend of mine (western) met a respectable lady (Thai), and she was devastated when after seeing each other for a week he didn't want to marry her.

Guess I'll have to find a new hobby since I don't want to marry anyone.

[JPPR2]

Howdy,

My 2 cents

I met my GF at work while I was transferring manufacturing from US to Thailand. We saw each other at work alot, had lunch in the company cafeteria etc. We hit it off and had a mutual attraction. My first couple of dates, after work, were over dinner with many people. Then we went to a jazz bar one time and she had a GF come along. All of our initial dates were with people. It was Fine with me. I got to meet new people, establish friends, learn more Thai and cultures and share my US life style with them. Things have been great thus far. If I understand traditional Thai do not expect to meet any family right away. When you do it has moved to a different level and has taken on a serious path. This is where you can make a proper impression or become just another "Player" westerner. It took me 2 years before I met my GF's parents and family. It was a big deal. The entire family was present. Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Grandpa, sisters and their BF's etc. Her Mom had a sit down discussion alone with me as her sister translated. Alone meaning GF not present. The first question was 'What are my intentions" I answered fairly and respectfully. My GF comes from a stable middle class family. I am not worried about " funding" another family. I like her parents, aunt and uncles and of course all her sisters. They have welcomed me into their home. I will do nothing to ruin that trust. Now in fairness I have never been a multi dating person. I devote all my time to one and get to know them without any side deals working to taint my views. We recently bought a Townhouse together. I am stuck near term under contract to bounce back and forth to US. At the end of this year I plan on moving here full time.

I will offer this, If you truly want to see and become what I consider the better part Thai culture with family, friends etc, stay away from the likes of Phuket, Chaing Mai, Pattaya and BKK. These places,although part of Thailand, do not really show you what the real Thai are about. BKK is like any big city. BKK is like NY. I have been to both a lot. Dirty, worn out, fast paced and expensive. Pattaya and Phuket are places where there are beaches and heavy prostitution flourishes. Chaing Mai is another area where prostitution is big.

Again these are my inputs, no doubt people will argue the point but this is my assessment.

Good Luck

[SailingHome]

Howdy,

My 2 cents

I met my GF at work while I was transferring manufacturing from US to Thailand. We saw each other at work alot, had lunch in the company cafeteria etc. We hit it off and had a mutual attraction. My first couple of dates, after work, were over dinner with many people. Then we went to a jazz bar one time and she had a GF come along. All of our initial dates were with people. It was Fine with me. I got to meet new people, establish friends, learn more Thai and cultures and share my US life style with them. Things have been great thus far. If I understand traditional Thai do not expect to meet any family right away. When you do it has moved to a different level and has taken on a serious path. This is where you can make a proper impression or become just another "Player" westerner. It took me 2 years before I met my GF's parents and family. It was a big deal. The entire family was present. Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Grandpa, sisters and their BF's etc. Her Mom had a sit down discussion alone with me as her sister translated. Alone meaning GF not present. The first question was 'What are my intentions" I answered fairly and respectfully. My GF comes from a stable middle class family. I am not worried about " funding" another family. I like her parents, aunt and uncles and of course all her sisters. They have welcomed me into their home. I will do nothing to ruin that trust. Now in fairness I have never been a multi dating person. I devote all my time to one and get to know them without any side deals working to taint my views. We recently bought a Townhouse together. I am stuck near term under contract to bounce back and forth to US. At the end of this year I plan on moving here full time.

I will offer this, If you truly want to see and become what I consider the better part Thai culture with family, friends etc, stay away from the likes of Phuket, Chaing Mai, Pattaya and BKK. These places,although part of Thailand, do not really show you what the real Thai are about. BKK is like any big city. BKK is like NY. I have been to both a lot. Dirty, worn out, fast paced and expensive. Pattaya and Phuket are places where there are beaches and heavy prostitution flourishes. Chaing Mai is another area where prostitution is big.

Again these are my inputs, no doubt people will argue the point but this is my assessment.

Good Luck

Nice Thanks for the detail. So, where would you go? If it is traditional in other locations, how will someone meet and spend time without her family? I'm young retired so it isn't going to be at work.

[JPPR2]

PM sent

[IanForbes]

jealousy is not exclusive to Thai women. It happens everywhere and in every cutture. Even the hookers get jealous. They believe they are allowed to have as many customers as they can catch, but the men they are with are only allowed to be with the one woman... even though she is a hooker. If a man wants multiple partners then he better do it in widely separated areas. It is considered a slap in the face to have multiple girls from the same bar. I know, I've made that blunder myself. The only solution is to take both of them from the bar at the same time.

Jaideeguy speaks the truth with his comment... "One thing that I have observed is that outside of BKK, your first date with a 'decent' Thai girl will most likely be chaperoned by either a friend or relative.....sometimes many. Be prepared to host more than one. Girls are considered 'loose' if they go out on a first date unchaperoned, especially with a falang."

[JPPR2]

I agree. Chaperoned is a good sign you have met a Thai women with some values. And As I stated, Chaperoned does not have to be with family. Friends are watching closely and will report back. I found it refreshing and invited it. Also consider that PDA is not accepted much. If you have a Thai women who will hug, kiss you, wrap her arms all around you in public it should be a red flag for sure.

[bonobo]

Howdy,

My 2 cents

I met my GF at work while I was transferring manufacturing from US to Thailand.  We saw each other at work alot, had lunch in the company cafeteria etc.  We hit it off and had a mutual attraction. My first couple of dates, after work, were over dinner with many people. Then we went to a jazz bar one time and she had a GF come along. All of our initial dates were with people. It was Fine with me. I got to meet new people, establish friends, learn more Thai and cultures and share my US life style with them. Things have been great thus far. If I understand traditional Thai do not expect to meet any family right away. When you do it has moved to a different level and has taken on a serious path. This is where you can make a proper impression or become just another "Player" westerner. It took me 2 years before I met my GF's parents and family. It was a big deal. The entire family was present. Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Grandpa, sisters and their BF's etc. Her Mom had a sit down discussion alone  with me as her sister translated. Alone meaning GF not present. The first question was 'What are my intentions" I answered fairly and respectfully. My GF comes from a stable middle class family. I am not worried about " funding" another family. I like her parents, aunt and uncles and of course all her sisters. They have welcomed me into their home. I will do nothing to ruin that trust. Now in fairness I have never been a multi dating person. I devote all my time to one and get to know them without any side deals working to taint my views. We recently bought a Townhouse together. I am stuck near term under contract to bounce back and forth to US. At the end of this year I plan on moving here full time.

I will offer this, If you truly want to see and become what I consider the better part Thai culture with family, friends etc, stay away from the likes of Phuket, Chaing Mai, Pattaya and BKK. These places,although part of Thailand, do not really show you what the real Thai are about. BKK is like any big city. BKK is like NY. I have been to both a lot. Dirty, worn out, fast paced and expensive. Pattaya and Phuket are places where there are beaches and heavy prostitution flourishes. Chaing Mai is another area where prostitution is big.

Again these are my inputs, no doubt people will argue the point but this is my assessment.

Good Luck

I certainly would not argue with the gist of your post.  Besides, those are you experiences, so what is there about which to argue?

However, I do believe you are being rather dismissive of BKK, Pattaya, Phuket, and such.  There are many, many women as you describe your g/f in those places.  Many of them come from around Thailand as the there is more work available, especially for those with university degrees.  I think you would be surprised at the percentage of women working in the hotels in Phuket, for example, who are graduates.

Perhaps the only difference, as I see it, is that more women in BKK live alone without their families, so the pressure for a family chaperone is a lot less.  But as far as the rest, whatever you can find in Loei or Naratiwat you can find in Bangkok and Phuket as well.

[JPPR2]

Bonobo,

I agree. And I should have clarified that in greater detail. There are quite a few that commute into those areas to work in the hotels etc. I would not want to lump them into that group and for that I stand corrected. But most of them travel in for work and leave for the night. Hard to meet them there persay. Is that a better assessment?

[bonobo]

Bonobo,

I agree. And I should have clarified that in greater detail. There are quite a few that commute into those areas to work in the hotels etc. I would  not want to lump them into that group and for that I stand corrected. But most of them travel in for work and leave for the night. Hard to meet them there persay. Is that a better assessment?

I have dated two women who were not native to the city in which i met them.  But both lived there.  One was from Naratiwat who graduated from Ramkhamhaeng University with a degree in accounting and stayed in Bangkok due to the employment opportunities.  She had a Bangkok apartment and went back home maybe twice a year.  Another was from Surathani who went to work in Phuket for a five star hotel after graduation and moved up to assistant spa manager before being sent to Dubai for a year for training to take over the spa back at the Phuket hotel.

My Thai friend's g/f graduated from Khoen Kaen University and came to Bangkok for work as well.  Through her, I have casually met at least half-a-dozen of her classmates who did the same and either work or have their own business (one of them does, that is) here in Bangkok.

I am not denigrating bargirls here nor those who spend time with them, but there is a big, big city out there beyond Nana, Patpong, and Soi Cowboy, and most women, even those who might be conducive to meet a foreigner, have nothing to do with those venues.

[IanForbes]

I agree with bonobo about the large number of non-bar gals working in Pattaya. I met many that would only go out with a farang if there was someone else along... even if it was just a friend. They don't want to be mistaken with the bar girls for hire. I met a very pretty, unmarried lady at the time share hotel I often stay at. She wouldn't go out with me unless we met at a separate location where friends or other staff wouldn't recognize her. With the number of hotels in Pattaya and other businesses working the large tourist trade, there are many reasonable paying jobs for women from other parts of Thailand. There is always staff needed for cafes and hotels. And, if the gals are educated they are in more demand.

[canuckamuck]

I agree with bonobo about the large number of non-bar gals working in Pattaya. I met many that would only go out with a farang if there was someone else along... even if it was just a friend. They don't want to be mistaken with the bar girls for hire. I met a very pretty, unmarried lady at the time share hotel I often stay at. She wouldn't go out with me unless we met at a separate location where friends or other staff wouldn't recognize her. With the number of hotels in Pattaya and other businesses working the large tourist trade, there are many reasonable paying jobs for women from other parts of Thailand. There is always staff needed for cafes and hotels. And, if the gals are educated they are in more demand.

Can yuo blame em, I would expect they would probably prefer an armed guard, a ninja, and a trained behavioral psychologist along just to be safe. We are talking Pattaya here.

[CanInBKK]

Jettabug, curious how old you are to be "young retired" and where can I find a job like your one Lol? Anyways, not working may put a small cramp in your scope as many of the methods previously used here were with coworkers.

Maybe you might pursue a hobby or take up some classes at a local community centre? Would possibly be a way to meet in the "Thai style". It's been experience that picking girls up on the BTS doesn't work quite so well.

[chantorn]

"What doesn't make sense to me is that it seems like "butterfly" applies to anyone that doesn't marry the first person they date."

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean by "butterfly"?

[Thakkar]

"What doesn't make sense to me is that it seems like "butterfly" applies to anyone that doesn't marry the first person they date."

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean by "butterfly"?

"Butterfly" means someone who hops from flower to flower (girl to girl), a philanderer.

Before I met Mrs T, I briefly dated a Thai girl who would use this term way too much. So I convinced her that the correct term was in fact "flutter-by". I figured that as long as I had to listen to the word ten times a day, I might as well entertain myself with a little private joke.