Does Your Partner Appreciate Your Sacrifices?

[JPPR2]

H20Dunc,

I was going to detail something like what you did in my initial response. Thanks.

Mine is more about materialistic shallow people, 12 to 14 hrs day in Corporate America listening to Corporate Ass kissers and poor leadership that are regularly rewarded for poor performance all the while it being a thankless job. Mortgage payments that are ridiculous. Medical insanity, Knowing that I might have to work until I am 75 to survive and then take all that money I earned and give it back to our outrageous medical industry to sustain me as I killed myself trying to live the "American Dream".......the list goes on.

I think I am blessed to have met such a wonderful gal that has accepted me into her life and her culture. I was cognizant in my decision to leave the US and live a better life with her. No sacrifice for me.....In fact, I just added 30 years to my life...

So let me see now, I moved here from living in London.

I gave up having to travel 2-3 hours on crowded buses,trains and the tube with the most ignorant, bigoted people in the whole world and paying around 250 pounds a month for the privilege to boot.

Spending 10-12 hours at work having to listen to up their own <deleted> health and safety men tell me how to do my job then having to face the same journey back

I gave up paying 1100 pounds a month to live in a small basic flat in a not very nice neighbourhood

I gave up having to pay ever increasing tax and national insurance to keep workshy scum in beer, fags and sky TV.

I gave up when going for a ride having to carry 40 pounds of stainless steel chain and 400 pounds sterling in padlock to secure my bike. Along with a disc lock, steering lock, and category 1 alarm / immobiliser and never knowing for sure whether the thing was going to be there when I returned. ( Lost 2 )

I gave up miserable weather, food and vastly expensive EVERYTHING

So does my wife know what I gave up to come here.

YES

I make sure she knows every day I am much happier here than I ever was back there. and the main reason I am so happy is her!

[buddy]

Yes, I do!

Words "Thank you", "Yes,please", "lovely" are always in my thoughts...to everyone..

Only for my man, ummm...I will say with more passionate..lol

Words of wisdom from my Father when as kids we were all rushing from the house to play outside...."Dont forget to take your PETS out with you!

PETS wasnt our dog ,cat or Rabbit that needed exersize, but a reminder from our Father to be polite to people......PETS - Please, Excuse me, Thank you, Sorry.

Manners does indeed maketh man (or woman).

It doesnt take much to say thank you.

[inthepink]

I'm not sure I understand this thread at all. I chose to come and live in Thailand so I don't think my girlfriend would view any "cultural sacrifices" I have made as being for her benefit. I can't really think of any sacrifices I have made for her actually. We both want to live in Thailand so no problems there...

Perhaps someone else could enlighten me?

[thomo]

It doesnt take much to say thank you.

Or Hello.... But you tell that to the staff in the office.

First morning, Thomo: 'Hellooo, good morning!'.

4 Thai women in the office: deathly silent.

Second and subsequent mornings, Thomo, enters, scans thumb, leaves.

Edited August 23, 2010 by thomo

[MrJohnson]

Does at least one of you consider that your partner made serious sacrifices , compromised and gives up a lot just to be with you?

No 'thank you' in 10 years of a relationship? Really? Would you be able to understand how your partner says thank you? Do you have a clue? How often does your Thai partner complains, despite all your massive sacrifices for them?

Are you really sure that you are able to offer a 'intellectual companionship'?

Are you able to appreciate it what it means to be with you? Do you have the framework to conceptualize it?

A look into a mirror will maybe help.

Thank you! thank you ! thank you! A voice of reason. This cross-cultural marriage is a two way street and not all about money. Don't generalize about Asian vs. western. If you marry 'down' in any culture you expect to pick up the bill but in any case each party makes sacrifices - some financial, some by other means.

[sarahsbloke]

I haven't made any sacrifices for my wife.

I've never been one to screw around.

I've stopped mostly eating in restaurants, but now my wife cooks equally good food for me.

I go out less drinking, just 1 or 2 nights a week now, my wife comes along if she wants.

Why would anyone have to make sacrifices?

If you love your wife and enjoy her company, is there a sacrifice to be made?

No even much extra cost involved, what I spend on her and her daughter, I save by not spending in bars and restaurants.

Being brighter than almost everyone else in the world, I've never been able to have much in the way of "intellectual companionship" from anyone, male or female.

In the UK I was married to the rather lumpy daughter of poor factory workers

(a bit cold in the bedroom and not even a good cook)

In Thailand I am married to the slim attractive daughter of poor farmers

(wild in the bedroom and a pretty good cook)

I think I've traded up!

Edited August 23, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[buddy]

Or Hello.... But you tell that to the staff in the office.

First morning, Thomo: 'Hellooo, good morning!'.

4 Thai women in the office: deathly silent.

Second and subsequent mornings, Thomo, enters, scans thumb, leaves.

I have been in charge of an office full of Thai,s in two seperate companies in Bangkok, never had a problem with greetings.

Perhaps its your method/approach interpersonal skills you neeed to look at?

[kevozman1]

So let me see now, I moved here from living in London.

I gave up having to travel 2-3 hours on crowded buses,trains and the tube with the most ignorant, bigoted people in the whole world and paying around 250 pounds a month for the privilege to boot.

Spending 10-12 hours at work having to listen to up their own <deleted> health and safety men tell me how to do my job then having to face the same journey back

I gave up paying 1100 pounds a month to live in a small basic flat in a not very nice neighbourhood

I gave up having to pay ever increasing tax and national insurance to keep workshy scum in beer, fags and sky TV.

I gave up when going for a ride having to carry 40 pounds of stainless steel chain and 400 pounds sterling in padlock to secure my bike. Along with a disc lock, steering lock, and category 1 alarm / immobiliser and never knowing for sure whether the thing was going to be there when I returned. ( Lost 2 )

I gave up miserable weather, food and vastly expensive EVERYTHING

So does my wife know what I gave up to come here.

YES

I make sure she knows every day I am much happier here than I ever was back there. and the main reason I am so happy is her!

£250 a month??? Last time I live in London, 2 years ago i payed £105 for a travelcard zones 1-3.

You think people in London are more arrogant than Thai's?????

£1100 a month for a basic flat, so where was you renting Hamstead Heath, Notting Hill and

if so why was you paying £250 a month in travel on buses and trains?

Moaning about security issues in London, thats why there are so many rich adn influential

people who reside in London and not say................ Bangkok.

......................Apart from that good post bruv.

[tombkk]

Does at least one of you consider that your partner made serious sacrifices , compromised and gives up a lot just to be with you?

No 'thank you' in 10 years of a relationship? Really? Would you be able to understand how your partner says thank you? Do you have a clue? How often does your Thai partner complains, despite all your massive sacrifices for them?

Are you really sure that you are able to offer a 'intellectual companionship'?

Are you able to appreciate it what it means to be with you? Do you have the framework to conceptualize it?

A look into a mirror will maybe help.

Thank you! thank you ! thank you! A voice of reason. This cross-cultural marriage is a two way street and not all about money. Don't generalize about Asian vs. western. If you marry 'down' in any culture you expect to pick up the bill but in any case each party makes sacrifices - some financial, some by other means.

I agree. I have been with my BF for over 7 years, and there are no other compromises than in Western countries. Of course, I love to live here, and he lived in Australia during his master's studies. We both know both worlds (Thai and farang), and it is not a sacrifice to stay together. It's a choice for both of us, as both have to compromise in a relationship.

As much as I would like to disagree, I do think it's a class thing that causes the problems of many Westeners with their Thai partners, male or female.

[john_bkk919]

Does at least one of you consider that your partner made serious sacrifices , compromised and gives up a lot just to be with you?

Sure. If that were indeed the case. But I'm not much into relationships where there's excessive 'putting up with' each other. Better for both to move on and find someone compatible.

So, do you feel your partner gives up a lot to be with you?

[inthepink]

 

I agree. I have been with my BF for over 7 years, and there are no other compromises than in Western countries. Of course, I love to live here, and he lived in Australia during his master's studies. We both know both worlds (Thai and farang), and it is not a sacrifice to stay together. It's a choice for both of us, as both have to compromise in a relationship.

As much as I would like to disagree, I do think it's a class thing that causes the problems of many Westeners with their Thai partners, male or female.

If it's a class thing then that's down to the individual people involved and not really an issue particular to Thailand. I don't think I would enjoy a relationship with a girl from a poor farming family simply because we would have absolutely nothing in common.

[mca]

First morning, Thomo: 'Hellooo, good morning!'.

4 Thai women in the office: deathly silent.

I think they're expecting you to start singing " Chantilly Lace" by The Big Bopper but when you simply add " Good Morning " it really throws them.

[Loz]

 

I agree. I have been with my BF for over 7 years, and there are no other compromises than in Western countries. Of course, I love to live here, and he lived in Australia during his master's studies. We both know both worlds (Thai and farang), and it is not a sacrifice to stay together. It's a choice for both of us, as both have to compromise in a relationship.

As much as I would like to disagree, I do think it's a class thing that causes the problems of many Westeners with their Thai partners, male or female.

If it's a class thing then that's down to the individual people involved and not really an issue particular to Thailand. I don't think I would enjoy a relationship with a girl from a poor farming family simply because we would have absolutely nothing in common.

Regarding your first se nobody is ntence, nobody is saying its unique to thailand, but we are discussing the thai context of this and local experience.

in response to your second sentence. I couldn't agree more.

[thomo]

Or Hello.... But you tell that to the staff in the office.

First morning, Thomo: 'Hellooo, good morning!'.

4 Thai women in the office: deathly silent.

Second and subsequent mornings, Thomo, enters, scans thumb, leaves.

I have been in charge of an office full of Thai,s in two seperate companies in Bangkok, never had a problem with greetings.

Perhaps its your method/approach interpersonal skills you neeed to look at?

Nope. Everyone else was the same, this was the first morning.

BTW, you don't delete the first quote brackets [ ]. See how me adding them in made your quoting correct.

Edited August 24, 2010 by thomo

[Soutpeel]

Are you familar with the Thoreau quote:

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

Thought that was Pink Floyd......

[Valdezugar]

Are you familar with the Thoreau quote:

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

Thought that was Pink Floyd......

"In quiet desperation; knuckles white upon the slippery reins"

I think that's the Pink Floyd quote you're looking for

[Berkshire]

I'm not sure I understand this thread at all. I chose to come and live in Thailand so I don't think my girlfriend would view any "cultural sacrifices" I have made as being for her benefit. I can't really think of any sacrifices I have made for her actually. We both want to live in Thailand so no problems there...

Perhaps someone else could enlighten me?

I'd love to enlighten you....except I'm equally baffled. We expats all made a conscious choice to come live in Thailand, so any sort of "sacrifice" we'd have had to make would have already been factored in. We "chose" to make those sacrifices. Not sure why we would dump that burden on the partner. He/she didn't put a gun to our heads.

[inthepink]

 

I agree. I have been with my BF for over 7 years, and there are no other compromises than in Western countries. Of course, I love to live here, and he lived in Australia during his master's studies. We both know both worlds (Thai and farang), and it is not a sacrifice to stay together. It's a choice for both of us, as both have to compromise in a relationship.

As much as I would like to disagree, I do think it's a class thing that causes the problems of many Westeners with their Thai partners, male or female.

If it's a class thing then that's down to the individual people involved and not really an issue particular to Thailand. I don't think I would enjoy a relationship with a girl from a poor farming family simply because we would have absolutely nothing in common.

Regarding your first se nobody is ntence, nobody is saying its unique to thailand, but we are discussing the thai context of this and local experience.

in response to your second sentence. I couldn't agree more.

OK, as far as my local experience goes, I haven't had to make any sacrifices for my partner so I don't really know if she would appreciate it if I did. I guess she would though.

[inthepink]

I'm not sure I understand this thread at all. I chose to come and live in Thailand so I don't think my girlfriend would view any "cultural sacrifices" I have made as being for her benefit. I can't really think of any sacrifices I have made for her actually. We both want to live in Thailand so no problems there...

Perhaps someone else could enlighten me?

I'd love to enlighten you....except I'm equally baffled.  We expats all made a conscious choice to come live in Thailand, so any sort of "sacrifice" we'd have had to make would have already been factored in.  We "chose" to make those sacrifices.  Not sure why we would dump that burden on the partner.  He/she didn't put a gun to our heads.

Well that was my thinking on the subject as well. I have actually tried to play the "I moved all the way to Thailand" card in silly arguments before, but I was quite rightly shot down in flames owing to the fact I had already been here 4 years before we met!

[taninthai]

So let me see now, I moved here from living in London.

I gave up having to travel 2-3 hours on crowded buses,trains and the tube with the most ignorant, bigoted people in the whole world and paying around 250 pounds a month for the privilege to boot.

Spending 10-12 hours at work having to listen to up their own <deleted> health and safety men tell me how to do my job then having to face the same journey back

I gave up paying 1100 pounds a month to live in a small basic flat in a not very nice neighbourhood

I gave up having to pay ever increasing tax and national insurance to keep workshy scum in beer, fags and sky TV.

I gave up when going for a ride having to carry 40 pounds of stainless steel chain and 400 pounds sterling in padlock to secure my bike. Along with a disc lock, steering lock, and category 1 alarm / immobiliser and never knowing for sure whether the thing was going to be there when I returned. ( Lost 2 )

I gave up miserable weather, food and vastly expensive EVERYTHING

So does my wife know what I gave up to come here.

YES

I make sure she knows every day I am much happier here than I ever was back there. and the main reason I am so happy is her!

this is 100% spot on same as my situation i dont think i really made any sacrifices to come here all my mates settled down and having kids now not my cup of tea,coupled with the fact my misses runs a old thai style beachfront bungalow resort on secluded beach im living a dream

[somtampet]

My partner of 10yrs [generally] doesn't have a clue, refuses to have a clue, and will never have a clue. Seems to be the norm to just accept things for what they are. I do little [and big] favors all the time and very rarely get a thanks. The Asian way......

wow thats bad.My gf of 7 years says thank you if i make the coffee.wai me if i get present for her birthday/xmas.Makes certain i phone my mum in the uk regular,and generaly is wonderful.When she saw the thai baht strenghten she went out and got a job part time,as her son is growing up and talks decent english now

[Loz]

My partner of 10yrs [generally] doesn't have a clue, refuses to have a clue, and will never have a clue. Seems to be the norm to just accept things for what they are. I do little [and big] favors all the time and very rarely get a thanks. The Asian way......

wow thats bad.My gf of 7 years says thank you if i make the coffee.wai me if i get present for her birthday/xmas.Makes certain i phone my mum in the uk regular,and generaly is wonderful.When she saw the thai baht strenghten she went out and got a job part time,as her son is growing up and talks decent english now

Sounds like you have an nice balanced give and take deal. Sounds like quite a few respondants share that too. Only a little deffencive posturing creeping in now but everyone's perspective is welcome.

I didn't think "everyone" would have had to make sacrifices but was interested in the perceptions of those that felt they had.

Very interesting, thanks.

[inthepink]

I don't think there's been any defensive posturing, only requests for clarification as to why you think any sacrifices had to be made specifically to be with a Thai partner. The only circumstances I can see this being applicable is for people who first met their partner online while they were still in their home country and then decided to move here to further the relationship. Even then it's a personal decision and not one you should lay on your Thai partner.

Edited August 25, 2010 by inthepink

[Loz]

I think if you read the original post it is quite clear, but then I reminded of the masterful wordsmith, Samuel Grafton's quote:

A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

but if you think that is unfair, I would add:

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

[inthepink]

Well, I still maintain that none of us have had to make any cultural sacrifices, assuming we moved here of our own volition and subsuquently became involved with a Thai female. I did reread your post though and to be honest I had previously ignored your comment about values and desires for intellectual companionship because I thought they were a bit silly as they generalise too much. I haven't had to compromise on either in my current relationship. My gf is a lot brighter than most of the Westerners I have met in Thailand (not a great compliment I know), well educated and shares similar values to me.

Edited August 25, 2010 by inthepink

[Moonrakers]

I'm just pleased that I don't see my marriage as such a chore.

[ray23]

Their Budhist, you and what you bring to them is Karma.

They don't flinch on the bad, like we do either.

In general Issan people accept things the way they come.

The answer is no they don't till they think they might actually lose it. Then they will fight for their rice bowl.

Edited August 25, 2010 by ray23

[dmax]

no !! my thai wife although in her own "small" way loves me, she does not appreciate that i went through hel_l and back plus spent a fortune to get her back here to uk even though she had tried before to go to australia and failed twice, i built her a beautifull home beside her fathers, she has 3 hols a yr to thailand, has been to france, spain, malaysia etc.......its as though they expect it from us. sometimes i wonder why i didnt wait untill i got involved with a thai lady but then on the other hand are farang woman any better HAHA !! one thing i can say whole heartedly is my wife would not fk around on me ! and has never asked me for a penny, i give money and i like to give when i have to make her happy as i would do with any girl , my wife is not like lady farang who takes your hard earned wages every week and goes shopping for expensive designer clothes etc, she wants for very little and is happy to get to the local chinese wholesalers once a week to get her asian groceries in and play cards and eat pok pok with her friends once or twice a week.

but yes definately they do expect it i think and definately dont appreciate it but then again i bought my wife a lovely watch last week for her birthday and she said thankyou. they are a confusing bunch like life itself we will never work them out .

[Jezz]

There's a lot of give and take as far as I'm concerned. My missus went to a deal of trouble to learn English quickly after our relationship became serious about four years ago. Even now she regularly studies dictionaries and phrase books. We live in the sticks in Isaan, and most of my days are spent writing books. (Excuse this quick plug ( sorry mods!) My latest novel can be found by clicking my profile and webpage) She supplies me with endless coffee, runs to the shop for the beer, and keeps the kids under control, so I can get on with my work. Her parents, who live above us ( I built our modern house under the original wooden one) never interfere, sometimes joining us for dinner - or to play with the kids before their bedtime. I haven't made any scrifices - they have improved my life.

[dmax]

My partner of 10yrs [generally] doesn't have a clue, refuses to have a clue, and will never have a clue. Seems to be the norm to just accept things for what they are. I do little [and big] favors all the time and very rarely get a thanks. The Asian way......

wow thats bad.My gf of 7 years says thank you if i make the coffee.wai me if i get present for her birthday/xmas.Makes certain i phone my mum in the uk regular,and generaly is wonderful.When she saw the thai baht strenghten she went out and got a job part time,as her son is growing up and talks decent english now

fair play to you mate, my wife is same, when i have a fall out with a family member my wife is the first one to call them up and dissolve the matter.