Help, I Dont Understand Thai Wife

[mkawish]

a 21 year old Thai girl would still be in Uni, not working in a good job over sees! I dont believe it.

A VERY GOOD POINT INDEED !

[mkawish]

Thunderbird4ever' timestamp='1284638632' post='3887174']

You might be heading down a road to a very unpleasant situation and some serious trouble in the future if you don't get your things together very soon. The lying police report she filed says it all and shows you exactly what she is capable of. There might be more of this in the near future, more accusations and fabricating of evidence to be used against you.

4. Make sure the nanny stay untill its all over. Take good care of her and make sure she will witness for you. She is a key witness and very important you.

From any woman's point of view, particularly from a Thai societal point of view, you have already been seriously in trouble, in appearance at least, that while during your educated and lovely wife's absence, you have been living with the nanny....

that accusation alone, true or false, is sufficient to raise serious questions in the mind of any decent judges.

Get her statement at a police station, pay her in front of the police and get a receipt, then let her go.

The final decision is yours.

[MikeyIdea]

OP - One important thing I forgot. The easiest way to end up in jail in Thailand is to lie in court actually. It is Not Taken Lightly. Most people don't realise that there is a real danger involved in lying in court. Perhaps the mother would think twice before following trough if she nicely was told the truth - The easiest way to end up in jail in Thailand is to lie in court. I am glad that you point out that the child should be able to have both a mother and a father, just think and work like that and be patient, very patient, this may take a year, never mind, and eventually a deal good for the child and decent for the parents will be negotiated or ordered. There is no winner and loser in a custody case, from the childs perspective

Good Luck

This is not quite correct

"If you aim for full custody make a big issue out of, if you do not get it, that your sons mother will be held accountable for all costs and expenses and expensive international schools etc 50/50 and that you will pay no more than 50%. And that your son need international schooling as he hold dual citizenship and if not that it could be a problem for your son later in life if wanting to go study, live or work there. The courts will aknowledge this and look at it as a downside in a relationship when having kids with a foreigner and then braking up. When the exwife gets the message and It suddenly is not so fun to have a son thats gonna cost her 25000 Baht a month. "

There is nothing called full custody in Thai juvenile law. There is shared and sole custody. No court would hold the mother accountable for expensive international schools, mother must share reasonable education costs 50%, correct, and mother has in this case no problems doing that. No court would order the mother to pay half of the international school fees because the child is half western and the father wants the child to go to an international school. Reasonable is not spelled the same as international. The court will acknowledge the benefit of *good* education for the child, *international* being necessary, the best or the only thing good is clearly seen via western eyes and certainly not via Thai judges eyes. That is not going to happen. The mother can provide enough to offset the advantage the rich farang father has in this case

Money is not a usable weapon in this case

[rotary]

Time for advice and considering if you like them or not is not the top priority, OK?

Providing things too easily is reducing the amount of respect you will get in return, not increasing it. You obviously have a wife who does not respect you, remember that easy money or whatever it is for her is going to reduce her respect for you even more. You need to stay calm and gather evidence about you being a good father before you do anything else. Your child is your life, or it will be when you realise it, you can wait a couple of months, you can stand this crap another couple of months… with the mission to gather evidence so that you can ensure 50 / 50 custody and more importantly than that even, minimum 50% possession of the child. It sounds like the grandmother and the mother plans to stop you from access to your child in the future, you are NOT in a good position if the assault is true I can tell you, mother gets someone to witness in court and you are looking at very little possession, visitation rights could be in danger even. If you can't also show evidence that you really are a good father

Good of you to give info about the upbringing, you have a difficult case, decently rich Thai upbringing and very spoilt, very selfish on top of that. She needs to be taken down but what would you benefit from doing it? Nothing. So not now and perhaps not you, ensuring as much possession of the child as possible when separation comes is more important. Grand mother running everything is not that unusual, they tend to mean a lot in many cases in Thailand and there are few Thai women who would go against their mother. Your wife were probably brought up by a mother who thought that giving her child any responsibility to take any decisions herself was to take care of the child badly… Thai mothers tend to not realise that it's appropriate to stop when "child" enters or finishes university even. Not unusual

The mother has filed police reports against you so although she has no evidence, you need something to offset or you could end up with only Saturdays and Sundays, or less. You filed a return suit… This is how the judges at juvenile court see it! They are utterly bored with husbands and wives fighting, filing suits is just even lower. To get as much possession as possible, you need to push What Is Best For The Child. The case you filed *could* help your case if you pushed the bad impact on the child in it, if you instead pushed the bad mother / wife then it's not helping you, the judges don't want to know, they take decision regarding the future of the child based on what they see is the best for the child, the father worrying about the child helps, the father verbally attacking the mother does not, full stop

You need to prove that you are a good father, you take child to the zoo, to the sea, to nursery, to hospital, always a plus if the mother does not. You keep the bills as evidence. That the child is calling out daddy everyday is gold worth in a court case – if you have evidence of it. Can you get the nanny to testify in court? That should get you minimum 3-4 (i.e., you get 3 days, the mother 4 days a week). Beware: The second you let the mother know that you want the nanny to testify, then she will do everything she can to make sure that the nanny does not see the child again and can't testify. Approach the nanny quietly and ask for her cooperation, offering money is not bad, if you can provide 100,000 bath per month for the wife, then you can give her 2 - 3 months salary to the nanny if she testifies the truth (and it is in your favour). Minimum, get evidence, record on video when child asks for daddy, record when nanny says child is missing daddy, wants daddy. Witness is best in court, video is second best

You have escalated the whole thing by criticising your wifes mother, filing suit about grand mother interfering with father child relations??? Which lawyer recommended you to do that? Thai law is very clear – Grand parents are Nothing. The father or the mother has the right to demand the child back from anyone, including grand parents, or put in another way – you can demand that the child is taken care of either by you or by the mother and if the mother is not taking care of the child, then she must hand over the child to you. If child stays at grand mothers place, then mother must stay there to (sleep there too), not go away and work in another city. True that both of you have legal grounds for divorce. If law suit you did show a father caring for his child then it's maybe not only bad with it

The grand mother most likely doesn't know and should somehow be informed that child alimony is around a hundred bath per day and that nothing of that is for the mother or her (not informed by you though, the daughter would be the best one to do that), the wife and the grand mother should be told that alimony for the wife does not exist according to Thai law and that she is entitled to exactly zero bath per month when divorce has gone through (you nicely tell wife and wife will tell grandmother for sure…). The law is simple, what you had before marriage is yours, what the wife had before is hers and what was bought during marriage is split 50/50. You may have destroyed the chances of that meaning anything by buying house in her name (if she was married then you had to sign that house is considered "before marriage" and hers). OK, I don't think that money matters in this case but what the law supports when it comes to child alimony and divorce "wife alimony" surprises nearly all Thai women. Money is not a power you can use in your relationship it seems

"she has witnessed the animosity the mother holds for me and her scheming" Maid has lower status, nanny higher. Court cares about child so nanny matters much more than maid. I don't understand the "The maid is my witness as to the lies and plans they cohort together" But to be honest, you bringing up lies and plans the mother has in court is most likely not going to help you get more possession of the child, the Nanny witnessing about the mother screaming – unable to control herself would be good – does help you because that indicate an unsuitable mother. In front of the child is even worse. You should have had the "not in front of the child please" attitude. Judges at Juvenile court are affected by who paints the best picture of being a good parent. Let the mother say that she doesn't want to see you again, good for you. You as a father will of course talk about the childs best interest and that it is important for the child that the father and mother can communicate

Don't send her packing yet, gather evidence and remember rule number one: the one in possession of the child is always at advantage. You should not leave the wife mother now and "let the mother take care of the child" (well, she will take the child and go home to mummy and there is nothing you can do about it – better avoid that) until the divorce goes through – risk of less possession. Keep it together until court case is on the way minimum. Remember rule number two: There is no benefit in you waiting for things to get better, unless you are with the child the majority of the time meanwhile – or you do it to gather evidence of your suitability as father.

"I really think my wife is confused, what do you think I should do, if i run after her like before she may well come home, but the cycle is not broken, If i leave her, like I did once for 3 months 2 years ago, she just gets on with her life...........so what is the solution, I dont understand this Thai woman??? Do you think she is trying to control the situation, how does one break this control, how does one get her to make a move, in any direction , reconcilliation or divorce, I need peace of mind, I am in limbo"

If the child is with her and not you then you should eat the shit and go up to her mothers house and ask her to come home. Come on, it's not that bad, you can spit it out when she and the grand mother doesn't watch. Then at least you are in a good position to gather evidence that you are a good father, that should help you to get 2-5 or 3-4 at least. You write; I don't understand this woman… Oscar Wilde wrote – Women are meant to be loved, not understood You are not alone is this. Personally from what you write; I don't think that you can get your wife to "wake up" about that the marriage and good times whatever are about to finish if she doesn't shape up whatever. She will simply not realise that or care about it either, until it is too late and perhaps not care then either. She is very spoilt so control is one thing – you can't break the control *need* she has, that's a deeply rooted personality, you could possibly break the ability for her to apply the control but I don't see that as priority now. That can be worked on first when the child is with you minimum 50% of the time. Money would be almost the only tool I can think of that has real power to fight a very spoilt Thai woman. But not in the case you describe so you only have two weapons it seems. All women hate to be ignored so turning the back to them will certainly make them angry first of all, anything after that is up to need. I don't see a need so it will probably not work in your case. That's number one. The second weapon is your childs love for you. Also, the child will get older and will have the possibility to influence more himself who he wants to be with - 7 years old and he can voice his wish in court. That will be your best weapon. But if the child is not with you for a longer time, then it disappears. Recognising and accepting that her mother means a lot for the wife is important, if you manage to patch things up, then the advice to encourage visits etc is excellent, oiling relations with both the wife and the grand mother

Negotiations are of course better than a court case. You will find that judges in Thailand don't want to order unless they absolutely have to anyway so they will negotiate extensively. They know that Thais are unlikely to honour something that has been forced on them anyway

What someone wrote about foreigners always being in the wrong is total rubbish. I have followed quite a few court cases between mixed couples in custody cases and you are lucky to be in a country where the implementation of juvenile law is so much in the best interest of the child. There is no bias against fathers and no bias against westerners – that's better than Europe

"What will happen if i go for divorce, is there chance I wont get 50/50 custody" – Strange wording. If you are legally married, then you already have 50/50 shared custody. Since mother filed about abuse, yes, there is a small risk you lose custody if the mother also brings witness, otherwise not. You can also bring witnesses so play it well, show plenty of evidence that you are a good father and that is not going to happen. Removing custody will Only happen if the judges consider you dangerous for the child, that will take a lot. The real question is Not about custody or not, it's about possession of the child. Will you get 2-5, 3-4 or 4-3 or 5-2? Or something else is of course also possible

"What do you think it is my wife wants, does she wnt to be boss and I kiss her backside all the time, thats why she's holding out, or does she really not want to be with me and then why will she not get a divorce???" Think like this: Where is the wife now and where are you? Does it matter *to her* if there is a decision about divorce or not? I don't think it matters so why should she take a decision? Why should she divorce at all by the way? What is the benefit *for her* in doing that? If you want her to take a decision, then you must make it matter for her. Gather evidence about you being a good father first, then make it matter

"thought sueing her mom for interfering might make her go in one direction or the other, but still nothing, very strange!!" Who says that it didn't matter? You attacked her mother, that must have mattered, that is so disrespectful of you. What level did you sue? Was it just file at police station or was it also the second step – pushing it to the district attorney? First step means nothing and the mother probably knows that. Sounds like you did first level only, is it pushed to the courts? Why is it strange that she does nothing? Think from her perspective. Any benefit in formally divorcing? You may find that it mattered in that it will make it more difficult to get her and your son to come back from the grand mothers home. If that is the case, then you should initiate proceedings at juvenile court as quickly as possible as advantage is with the one in possession of the child. Try to get her and the child home first, then start proceedings though. Or here is a strange approach that I don't think would work… Go and live with the mother in the grand mothers house for a month or so. Reason: You are the father and you want to be with your child

Sounds like you love the girl and are in a mess because you don't know what is going to happen. I recognise that feeling I recommend you to think differently, the woman you love now matters much now but the day you realise / accept that she doesn't care about loving you any longer, then you will slowly get over it, you will have to force yourself to get over it – takes a year or so. What already matters and will matter much more once that day comes is your child. Women hate to be ignored, it could even do your case with the girl good, you could make her realise that you after all matter, but regardless, your child is the most important thing

Something you wrote made me think of this; You misunderstand - It is not necessarily what this woman wants, maybe she already has it, it's Why should she act? Does it matter for her? Selfishness is deeply rooted in spoilt people

There is nothing called full custody according to Thai law – you have shared custody, it can change to sole custody, no full custody. Possession of the child is what you will fight for. I think the mother, spurred by the grand mother will fight like a tiger in this case. And they have the financial means too. You are probably looking at 3-4 at best (unless you really can prove with very good evidence that you are a better and more suitable parent). 3-4 means problem – where should the child go to school? Probably close to where the mother lives. Can you utilise 3 days? Or can you only use weekends? But what if it's several hours away from Bangkok? Any better option? 2-5 wouldn't surprise me, mother has all financial means and is well educated etc, grand mother has already started working on you getting even less than that it seems. Don't be patient and gather evidence and you could very well look at 2-5 or worse. Don't expect spoilt selfish women to act morally in a divorce… Play it well and nanny witnessing about you being a good father and the child asking for her daddy can give you 50/50

Always think in terms of what is best for the child and Good Luck

Mikey

Gents.....gosh what a real mess. I have spent the better part of 25 years in Asia and even had a wife issue myself or rather a gf issue that I had 2 kids with. Without going thru each detail:

(1)Cut the cash and cut it now. Giving her 100K baht per month helped start this problem and letting her have maids made it worst . Can you spell "spoiled". Give ger kid money and thats about 5000 baht per month or less

(2)Better get legal proceedings started against her as soon as possible in a divorce or as another guy said 'get the kid and take a very long vacation outside Thailand"

(3)I think she will go for the cash.....You say she never took any money. I guess not with 100K a month being given to her. I would say her purse is too small to hold that much cash!

(4)Gotta bring this up...........does she have a Thai boyfriend???? Really sounds like it to me. Sorry if that offends.

(5)And this last comment...over the years I have seen guys married to university grads and guys married to what I would term as soft core hookers(girls who were on the game for a short period of time less than 1 year). In the end the university grads were no better than the softcore hookers and in many cases the university grads were worst. I do not mean that to offend anyone but just because a girl has a university degree does not mean she will not deal with the loan sharks and pawn your house or sell your car if it is in her name. By the way have you seen your house title deed of late.....I wonder if she had loan sharked that already??????Better check.

[mkawish]

Did you ever wonder for a second,

What is on the other side of the coin?

The woman's side of this same story?

This is a lopsided story being told by a male who does not know

who he really is, what is really going on in the world!

Keep on asking him questions, and soon he will reveal his true self !

We really should not judge the other person too harshly,

just because our male specie relating only his side of the story, should we?

Assuming your Sincerity.

Sounds like YOU have 3 Major Problems here:

1. A MIL who cant accept her little girl has grown up.(who has a common Mother/Daughter Fixation)

2. You are giving her far too much money,(try reducing it to 5,000 baht a month.)to finance trips to Mummsy?

3. There are 3 people in your Marriage (try reducing it to 2).... see problem 1.

But until your Wife can understand the above problems and keeps running back to Mummsy to be

Mollycoddled,its going to be hard work....................see problem 2

If you continue to be the absent Meal ticket,then nothing will change,your the only one who is dissatisfied with the status quo,suits them fine!

Good Luck

You dont need to take this BS,nobody is thinking of you,so why not think of yourself and stop them taking the P**S!

[Loz]

Sorry, I came to the party late. I wanted to ask one fundamental 2 part question:

Why did you Marry this woman?

Are the thing that made you marry her still there?

[happyrobert]

Little late to respond to this thread, but posts and stories - ad infinitum - like these are exactly why I will not even date a girl a second date prior to confirming she is an ORPHAN.....and, that she does not own any water buffalo.

[james24]

Hi Thanx

yes i have been advised this also, and am thinking about it, but I belive the child also loves it mother, I may very well do that..........will have to set things up for that, unfortunatly kid still on breats, but can ween that I am sure, its just sad it must come to that as I really wanted the kid to have both parents, anyway yes, I cannot live like this, thats why I came here, need to now what is what and get my head clear.

Thanx

She is 21, I must be worn but your name is Oliver80, are you 80?

Or born in 1980..?

[britmaveric]

End things and move on for your own sake.

100K a month? Geez hate to criticize, but what are you thinking?

[oliver80]

[Yes

What am and was I thinking, extremely good looking, tall!We had extreme highs together, but the lows are terrible, to the point of going insane.

I see a post above asking about the wife and her side of the story, I did not ask for an invitigation, I asked for help and clarification, it would not have helped me to post alot of lies to find a solution to them, that would be a waste of time, I have to be as accurate as possible in my description of the facts to get the best advice and answers. As for the womans post about the nanny, and putting myself at serious risk, woman, take you head out of the gutter, we are talking about the life of a young child, and its future, why do some people always want to complicate things further with such circumstancial BS?

Thanx for all you advices folk.

Oliver, who is well half of 80 years old.

[Arkady]

Your wife sounds as if she needs medical help and may be suffering from some kind of neurosis or mild psychosis. But only she can seek help after acknowledging she has a problem which she probably won't do. It doesn't sound as if reconciliation is viable, since you seem to have tried very hard at that already with no glimmer of success. You need to either take your child and flee overseas or initiate divorce proceedings and try to get 50% custody. The former requires a lot of immediate resolve and the need to restructure your life completely but could get you away from this mess forever and any legal challenge would be on your home turf where Thais don't have any unfair advantage and can't play dirty. Otherwise, you will need the long term resolve to slug it out in the Thai legal system where things are stacked against you and you vulnerable to foul play. Her filing of false police reports is probably part of a plan that some one has advised her on to prevent you from getting custody. You also need a detailed plan that is singlemindedly designed to get what you think is best for yourself and your child. Expect more dirty business and possibly violence, if you stay in Thailand.