Ode To Pattaya

[Kerryd]

Oh Pattaya, your waters are so......

waters ? What waters ? That polluted green stuff around Pattaya and Jomtien beaches ? Bleh ! Or do you mean that stuff that doesn't come out of my taps any more ?

Oh Pattaya, your air is so.......

eccchhh, the smell of rotting garbage is clogging my nostrils and clinging to my skin. If only we had some water to wash with. I know, I'll walk over to the....(squish)....great, hot, stinking dog crap on my sandals.

Oh Pattaya, with roads so smooth....

oops, cancel that, they just tore that one up (again), along with the sidewalks on both sides of the road. No problem, traffic is clear, I'll just step out on to the ......HEY *sshole ! Traffic is supposed to go the OTHER way !!!

Oh Pattaya, your people so kind.......

hey YOU on the motorcycle, come back with my 1 baht necklace you w*nker ! Oh good, the police. Hey wait, why are you arresting me, he stole my necklace ! What, it wasn't real gold ? So what, is that a crime ? It is ? But I can go free if I make a "donation" to the Policeman's fund ?

Ah Pattaya, with food so fine....

wait a second, what's this doing in my bowl ? Yes, I know it's a beetle, why is it there ? What, you're going to charge me extra for it ? Never mind, I'll throw it back on to the ground. What, you're still going to charge me extra for it ? Bloody h*ll, should have kept it and ate it then.

Fair Pattaya, with equality for all......

You want me to pay HOW MUCH ? But it's the same baht bus everyone else is paying 5 baht for ? What if I won't pay ? Ahh, baseball bat, I understand, here you go. I'll just walk the rest of the way. Hey look, mini-Siam, let's go. Excuse me ? I have to pay 3 times more than Nit to get in ? Why, because I breathe 3 times more air than her ? What if I refuse ? Oh I see, the baht bus driver is your brother. Never mind.

Oh Wonderous Pattaya..........

ah forget it. Point me to the nearest bar. At least you can usually count on cold beer and warm women. If I've got any money left, I can buy some barbeque poodle from that street vendor. What ? He's only got locusts and larva ? He only serves poor innocent Isaan farm girls ? Say again ? Your brother is a baht bus driver and can take me to his friends restaurant ? Special price, just for me ? Hey, why not, after all it can't be that bad ? Check Bin Khrap !

[Totster]

[TizMe]

Time for your medication Kerryd?