Mother-in-law Problems

[bakswanna]

I really need some advice here, I am at the end of my rope. Please do not misunderstand me, I very much love my husband of 9 months, and he is good to me, or the best he can be in this situation. But since we have married, we have come across several problems, two of which have nearly destroyed us. The first was the worst, but also the one that we have worked the hardest to overcome--he became sick from the advanced stages of AIDS, which came as a shock, considering we had no idea that he was even infected with HIV at the time. Luckily, after a year of unprotected intercourse, I am not infected with the virus. He almost died 4 times in the course of 2 months, and it was the absolute worse thing I have ever gone through in my life. I love this man so much, and to see him so weak and so close to death, I don't know how I survived. But in the past four months, he has been on Anti-retro virial medication, and is responding well. We have a lot of hope, and seeing how far he has improved, I am sure he will survive this. AIDS is a chronic disease, not unlike diabaties, and luckily, we live in an area with good access to ARV medication. Basically, death is not an option for us, and I know that my husband will never back down and let the AIDS win. it is just not an option.

But it is the second problem has much more potential to tear us apart--his mother. I hate her, I am sorry to say. I understand that the only thing worse than watching your greatest love in life die would be to watch your child in the same position. She was very protective of him before, but since we learned of his AIDS, she has increased her protectiveness of him by 20-fold. In a way, I feel it has turned more into a jealousy, as she wants to keep her son only for her. Right now, I am currently living in Chiang Mai, but he is living in his parent's home, and I visit him every weekend. We decided on this after it became obvious that he was responding well to the ARV medication and even more obvious that his mother and I have no chance of occupying the same space together. But after talking it over, my husband and I decided to move to a seperate house in his provence, away from his parents, but close enough to visit every day if he chooses. This decision has made my relationship with his mother even worse, if that is possible. Now, when I visit, we don't speak, don't make eye contact, don't even enter the same room if the other is already in there. It is awful. She complains about me constantly to my face and to anyone who will listen--she is unhappy that I am "taking her son away," as my husband overheard one day. She thinks I can't do anything, from boil water to sweep the house. She doesn't trust my ability to take care of my own dog, regardless that I was the main care giver to my husband when he was at his weakest points due to the AIDS. Suddenly, because it is now obvious that my husband loves me and wants to be with me more than her, she has turned into a non-stop attack on me. I can't take it anymore, and it is wearing on my husband. He told me that he is ready to leave the house and his mother's over-protectiveness. But he does love his mother, and the stress she is creating for him is both needless and detremental to his health. I personally don't care for a relationship with her, but I worry that her constant attacks on me and my husband will cause an irreparable tear in our relationship. What should I do?

Sorry this is so long, but for those who read through it, any advice will be apperciated. Thanks.

[alaina]

So sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you are staying strong and doing the best that you can. It's really hard not to take her attacks on you personally but try not to vent to your husband even though he knows your situation best.

Back West, I'd recommend a family therapist but that's not such a reasonable option here. Maybe a Monk can talk to the two of you for the sake of your husband.

[cobra]

You may have to consider , the mother may think you were the one who infected her son, the light of her life, etc,

Though you are HIV neg, mothers are mothers, good luck to you both.

[vasan_blr]

Both you and your mother-in-law are very possessive take care your husband. Probably both of you start sharing responsibility. For example, you bring the food for your husband, and then ask your mother-in-law to serve. Enquire your mother-in-law about your husband’s health or a general conversation one or two times a week over phone if you are away from home. Better allow him to stay and touch with his parents, it is very much required for a HIV patients to live healthy. He is very lucky to have such a wife and parents in life. I wish you all the best.

[sbk]

I can't give you much advice on this one as I have had problems with my mother-in-law in the past as well. Fortunately she was never as bad as that, probably because of the calming influence of her husband (who would nip that kind of talk in the bud) and from my husband who very firmly told his mother that I was the woman he loved, his choice and if she really loved him she would love me too. We get along ok now, not great, not bad.

I know your husband does not need this stress but frankly it has to come from him, his mother will clearly not listen to you. You could try a 3rd party she respects, perhaps someone who will point out to her that her behaviour is detrimental to her son's health and causing needless stress.

That said, you could also help by showing her the utmost respect (even if she doesn't deserve it) as it would give her one less weapon against you.

Good luck to you both and hang in there.

[kat]

Bakswanna:

I have no advice for you, only encouragement. You have obviously done something right because your husband is alive and getting stronger. Try to enjoy the good things in this life while you can, and don't let the emotional or spiritual voids of others suck the beauty and life out of you.

Good luck, and stay strong. Post here anytime.

kat

[Bangkokbabay]

My sympathy to you. This is a very difficult time for you and I understand how you feel about the Mother In Law situation, I tend to think that problem is Global.

Stay strong and best of everything to you, the advice to go and speak with a Monk is a good idea.

Please take care

[meadish_sweetball]

I agree with sbk, I think you should try to find a third person she has respect for or trusts, to help patch up your relation - a senior monk or perhaps might be a good idea, or maybe an older relative of your husband if you have a good relation to any of them - I also think that even if it must be very hard to do so, try to swallow if she attacks you again - for now it probably won't help if you answer back...

I wish you all the best of luck. You have done a great job pulling through all of this so far, so stay strong, do your best and don't give up. Things will get better.

[ProThaiExpat]

It is often said that "killing them with kindness" is a good solution for mother-in-law problems. Not only will your husband react well to your kindness to his mother, but it will remove an jutification for her complaints and expose them for what they are to all.

Edited August 13, 2005 by ProThaiExpat

[xtrnuno41]

Human interactions, they can be a real pain in the ass.

It looks like your husband is a momma's boy, as mom did lots for her son and think she is the only one who can.

I dont see any interaction from husband to his mom.

 

He should make his mom clear that the both of you are committed and he also should make mom clear that you can the right things for him. SHe can assist, if you both want too, but absolute not interfere further.

That is being grown up and married, you both take responsibility for each other. 

And as i said any one else can come up with assist or help, but you decide and do !!

As a couple you have to work on that and make that clear. Moms can be really too big help and want to control, too much and forget about you are both adults with their own lives.

Your relationship with mom is broken, probably already way longer time, as mom has quite an issue and thinks she is the ONE. To much bound too her son, momma's boy.

 

Your husband too much connected with mom, too less immature in his ways. He should, difficult form situation you are both in, step up and claim your privacy and space, more loosen up the ties between mom and son.

He should choose for you on first place and not mom. He has the critical role in this.

It can get worse first before it could get any better, however existing  situation can also go worse if not already is, as you said you are on end of rope.   

[Rimmer]

Topic is fourteen years old

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