Motorcycles

[andyfletch]

Tired of Conforming?

Bored with Silly Rules?

Proud to be Thai?

Become a Motorcyclist!

Get a Motorcycle and enjoy the freedom of the road (and the adjacent brown and green bits).

Don't forget the essential accessories:

• A slack handful of stainless steel swarf to put in your engine to ensure plenty of oil gets changed to smoke, so that others know you're mobile.

• Plastic bag over the rear number plate to ensure you cannot be identified

• Flip-flops. It is not possible to ride safely in any other footwear.

That all important routine maintenance:

• Remove silencer and other non-essential parts of the exhaust system, to ensure all the damaging noise and smoke can get out of the engine easily.

• Ensure your tyres have no deformities such as tread, to maximise the amount of rubber in contact with the road.

• Slacken brake lever so that it dangles freely from the handlebar, to reduce the risk of snagging your jacket cuffs.

• If yours is a new bike it will have brake pads or shoes. These will need "bedding in" so that the metal rivets are exposed. They will now work, should you ever need them.

• Have an expert look at your bike from time to time. Should he try to touch it or get too close, drive it away as quickly as possible, you can't be too careful these days.

And a few optional style items:

• Whilst not recommended a crash helmet can enhance your stylish appearance if properly selected and worn - ensure it is far too big for you, and make sure that you set it at a jaunty angle towards the back of your head. Under no circumstances should you fasten the strap, as this could cause discomfort during an accident.

• If you are a Sikh and wear a turban the crash helmet is impractical , but you can still show how safety conscious you are by carrying one over your left arm.

• As a building labourer you can prove to one and all that you are hard at work by carrying your mate on the pillion seat. He will of course have clutched in his hand a very full bucket of wet cement.

• A small child to sit in front of you or, better still, on the handlebars. This shows that you not only have style, but are a responsible family man.

• A 15kg gas cylinder perched precariously on the back of your bike says more about you than a valid driving license ever will.

And now you're ready for the road, a few simple things you might find useful:

• You have right of way.

• Never ever give priority to others, it will confuse them and is dangerous.

• Ignore all road signs. They are for other road users.

• Ride about one metre in from the kerb, this will be sufficient to make other road users swerve into the next carriageway where there is often enough room for two vehicles.

• Work your way to the front of any traffic queues, no matter what you have to do or how futile it appears to others. There will often be something interesting there, such as a pole with changing coloured lights.

• If you can't get past the other traffic, use the footpath. If you have feet, you are entitled to use it.

• Ensure that you only go one way along one way streets. On the whole, other road users will be going one way also, but in the opposite direction. They will avoid you.

• Even out road wear by using the opposite carriageway to other traffic on major roads.

• If you see an accident, weave about the road and slow down so you get a good view of the bloody bits. Other road users will appreciate this as it gives them the opportunity to do the same.

And remember,

No motorcyclist has ever been blamed after being involved in an accident !!

[Gazza]

On no occassion ever should you adjust the mirrors to enable you to see traffic behind you.

They should be turned inwards at an angle for the appropiate use of notifying the rider as to when a facial zit is starting to form.

[loong]

When approaching traffic lights

Green means go

Amber means go faster

Red means the traffic lights are malfunctioning

Under the seat you will find a cleverly concealed filler cap. This is for putting in gasoline. On no account attempt to put more than 20 Bahts worth at any one time.

You can avoid wearing out the filler cap by borrowing somebody elses motorbike

Edited August 9, 2005 by loong

[Gazza]

You can avoid wearing out the filler cap by borrowing somebody elses motorbike

One shouldn't also forget the golden rule of always returning a MC with less fuel in the tank than when you first borrowed it.

[Tywais]

On no occassion ever should you adjust the mirrors to enable you to see traffic behind you.

They should be turned inwards at an angle for the appropiate use of notifying the rider as to when a facial zit is starting to form.

Actually be sure to remove any mirrors, they just get in the way of that streamlined look.

[chaiyapoon]

Don't think we have got half way there yet!

Young lads 'improvements'.

Lets start with the wheels and tyres.

Get rid of those grossly oversize wheels and tyres;change them for the skinnyest

you can find,gives much better grip,and supports the rims brilliantly when hitting a pothole.

Lights

Several options here.Don't use them at all will save the bulbs wearing out.Or if you want to use lights change all the bulbs to green or/and blue and make them flash together this will ensure everybody knows something is coming just not sure what.

Oil

Messy stuff,never put it on your chain as you get your hands dirty

when you have put the slack worn out chain back on.

Seats

Take all the foam out of your seat this will make it more comfortable same as the concrete floors you normally sit on .Foam seats are for soft farangs.

Spare parts

Remove all the unneccessary unfashionable parts that manufactures fit to motorcycles.Start with mirrors,then chainguards,rear footrests,number plates air cleaner and box and don't forget the baffles in the silencer.Take off all the heavy nuts and bolts then fit multi coloured alloy bits.All this will make it go faster and leave more room for your three mates to join you.

Finally drop your fork legs in the yokes and replace the top nuts with some nice thai style finials that look like stepped cones beautiful now,

Just take care they dont remove your <deleted> as you brake too hard flying over the handlebars to not hit your mates in front of you.You know the ones that hit the pothole,the chain comming off and locked up the rear wheel not showing any lights three up.