BIRD FLU BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that bird flu cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by Thai officials, who said it will save millions of baht and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both bird flu and chinese swine flu were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Thailand’s Deputy Agriculture Minister Adisorn Piengket. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Hong Kong, where bird flu has been prevalent in recent years, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Xi Ti Choo, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Hong Kong University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to bird flu.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the bird flu virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

Mods -- Surely a revelation as important as this should be cross-posted in the Computers & Internet and Health forums.

Edited August 24, 200520 yr by Crossy

lol..