Thank You For Flying...........

[Nickerelastic]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 toTampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault , it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Club Class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have a safe journey, wherever you're going............

[andyadam]

Iwas on a flight from Egypt with a captain called DAVE LISTER!!!!!!!!!!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 toTampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault , it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Club Class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have a safe journey, wherever you're going............

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[andyfletch]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short period. Because mum was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till last drop.' mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'British Airways'.

Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.

The ad said: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted....

[andyfletch]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among

themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then

the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a

sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

>*************************

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft

carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

[andyfletch]

How to handle awkward customers

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point , when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly cargo!

During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said “ I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class”.

The agent replied “ I’m sorry sir, I’ll be happy to help you, but I have got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out”.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear “ Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating the gate agent smiled and grabbed her PA microphone.

“ May I have you attention please?’ she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “ We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.”

With the folks in line behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore.

Without flinching, she smiled and said” I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that too.”

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled, and the people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

[Crossy]

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you would now make your way to the aircraft our attentive cabin crew are waiting. Dinner will be served shortly after takeoff"

Bon-appetite

[andyfletch]

Yummy................fresh meat !!!!

[Crossy]

Oops ...

[mai_ow]

This is really what I've heard on a royal dutch KLM flight from Amsterdam to Tokyo last June: "cabin crew take your sh!t" from the airplane captain just before take off and landing.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Oops ...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Phuket Air ?

[Thetyim]

[Thetyim]

[andyfletch]

[andyfletch]

[lovejoy]

i was on a flight years ago and it was the first flight of the airlines new air bus ,they didnt have the inflight entertainment installed

this is true

they had a man playing guitar and a woman singing walking up and down the plane for the entire 7 hour flight

it was one of the funniest things i ever saw and i took photos too

[Crossy]

We've all seen this picture:-

and discussed, argued or whatever as to its authenticity, is it real or a Photoshop job...

Well, here is absolute proof, watch the video and wonder, do you REALLY want to be on this particular beach?

Awesome

It's a 1.6MB download.

Edited August 27, 2005 by Crossy

[BambinA]

[bino]

Phuket Air is flying over the gulf of Thailand from Bangkok to Phuket one fine afternoon when the captain comes on the PA system;

"Ladies and gentlemen; we have just lost power to all engines, and we are going to have to make an emergency landing in the ocean."

"In order to make the evacuation as efficient as possible, we would like all of the swimmers to move to the right hand side of the aircraft, and all of the non-swimmers to the left hand side of the aircraft."

After a short delay; "Attention all swimmers. I am going to land the aircraft as close as possible to an uninhabited island. Please swim to the island. We have been in touch with the coast guard by radio, and you will be rescued from the island when they arrive."

"All you non-swimmers; thank you for flying Phuket Air!"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[dr_Pat_Pong]

We've all seen this picture:-

and discussed, argued or whatever as to its authenticity, is it real or a Photoshop job...

Well, here is absolute proof, watch the video and wonder, do you REALLY want to be on this particular beach?

Awesome

It's a 1.6MB download.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jeez how'd he miss the bloody fence ?

[loong]

http://www.quacked.co.uk/funny-videos/1266...er-control.html

Not in English, but you'll get the drift

[dr_Pat_Pong]

she got the message in the end

[andyfletch]

Even kids enjoy flying.................

[Crossy]

Get out the barf-bag. This landing needs it:-

All pray to the great god Hughie.

Edited August 30, 2005 by Crossy

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Get out the barf-bag. This landing needs it:-

All pray to the great god Hughie.

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Phuket Air ?

[Crossy]

A couple for the pilots amongst us:-

[meelousee]

After a very hard landing the stewardess comes on the intercom and says. Ladies and gentlemen please remain in your seats with seat belt fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the terminal.

After a six bounce landing the stewardess comes on the intercom and says. Ladies and gentlemen please remain in your seats with seat belt fastened while captain kangaroo taxis to the terminal.

[meelousee]

On behalf of the flight crew, let me welcome you aboard Delta Flight 1647 Departing Jeddah to Dallas-Fort Worth with continuing service to Sacramento. We should touch down in Dallas at 5:23 local time, depending on this headwind. And assuming I decide to go there.

To clear up the questions on everybody's mind: All the female flight attendants have husbands, though the brunette married for money and really needs to get some. Actually, the redhead's single, but I got dibs. Both the male flight attendants are gay. The blond has a committed partner (good guy, FYI), but the bald dude parties. I'm a Capricorn and your co-pilot is a Sag.

We now keep pistols in the cockpit. Thank you, GW Bush

I have a S&W 9mm with silencer so not to alarm anyone should I get an itchy finger. The co-pilot has an HK with full auto features and armor piercing ammo. The red head has a 12gauge derringer and the blond has a 90k volt stun gun.

On behalf of your cockpit and cabin crews, please, relax, sit back and enjoy your trip.