Dowry Payments

[KevinN]

I can't believe this,,Is it true that some guys are paying the family of the girl??

I think that you are bullshting me, I think that all Thai familys should pay the guy to take her off their hands and then maybe even contribute a little to her welfare as the farang will give her a more comfortable place to live and a better guality diet, and the house and land she will get when he leaves,so why is everyone talking about paying HER family.How about getting real and setting some standards for the dowry that the husband should recieve.

My wife had her own land and home and I have spent some on improvements and she still has her job and works everyday and brings in a check every month,and you people are trying to screw up a good thing by giving money to the family. I want this practice stopped before the Thai start to expect such treatment.

[Head Snake]

Like I said, I appreciate that this thread is here. All thoughts and contributions are good to review on this subject.

I hope there are others that will keep contributing either positive or negative experiences on this subject.

[hkthai]

Westerners don't have the frame of mind to reference the sense of dishonesty that the "culture" breeds here. We are not used to it, we can't imagine someone could be like this, let alone an entire country.

That is why you do not pay a dowry, and if you do, put it on the 5 and 10 year plan. She will freak out about it.....and guess what, you have your answer to everything you need to know about her honesty and her intentions.

More shout outs to the PMs guys--thanks! That old corny saying "If I can just save one person, it will all be worth it!"

The best advice I have received from two people coincidentally within the same week about living here-- Avoid Thais when possible, except when they need something from you in business.

I will add to that, except when I need some Thai food!

I heard another one which is much more graphic "Thais are good for the two F's, food and f**king, and then get out, they are worthless. (He is more blunt than even me!)

Good luck.....this place has more landmines than Cambodia!

Stock answer to the tired and simplistic "Why are you here then?"

1) I am on a break from my career

2) Dig the food

3) Dig the weather

4) Dig the cheap cost of living

And I do like it here. I didn't come to find a girlfriend or wife. I never got burnt by a Thai girl, and I am not bitter, just honest and realistic.

I sense a general trashing of Thai Society and especially it’s women. Is there really anything that you like about this place besides the above list???

[surin]

I was never asked, nor was it suggested when I married the Isaan Bride to pay a dowry...All I was asked to do was make a fool of myself speaking sloppy Khmer words.

However, I certainly have over the years thrown in to help pay for the funeral and booze up after, or fix the In-Laws roof etc.....Like we would do here in the Land of Oz for our own.....But, remember the old saying, "A fool and his money is soon parted".......Just say No......just like the bride will say to you.. for the rest of your days!

[Begs]

Looking at these posts, i would think that 90% are trolls,

I am sure that you guyz would never stay in a country that you disliked, with people you dislike...in a country that only see's you as a means to get money, in a country where there are so many scams and cons all aimed at silly old farangs...............Nope, i am convinced that you intelligent people would never stay in a country like that...........................would you?

[sbk]

Just to give a different perspective. I asked my Thai husband what would happen if a Thai man refused to pay the bride price for his soon-to-be Thai wife. He said, "it would be a terrible insult to her and she would most likely not marry him". He also added, that at least out here in rural southern Thailand where we live, everyone he knows does it, assuming they have a wedding. No wedding, no bride price. But it is not scheme to rip off the farang man, it is a very old cultural practice.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

SBK...the idiots marry bargirls. The families get an income from that ' trade '. Said income is coming to a stop. Accordingly, a B I G earn is needed. I know it is cultural, but there are external pressures.

[sbk]

Well, I guess if they are marrying bar girls then they should understand the realities of her background and either pay up or not get married. If they are marrying middle-class girls and refuse payment on the basis of 'getting ripped off' then I suspect they will quickly find their engagement off. Guess I can't really understand all the complaining, if they don't like it then perhaps they should not marry a Thai girl?

[Garry]

Get to know your lady, get to know her family and friends, take yuor time..DON"T RUSH INTO ANYTHING....If you're getting pushed or brow beaten into a FORCED marriage with dowry, hit the high road.

As was said before somewhere in these forums, there are plenty of fish in the ocean, with good hearts. This is a 2 way street by the way...!!!

Don't get me wrong, dowry payments I feel a very legit, as in my travels in the provinces, I have seen many a marriage ceremony, with money trees etc.

The family, in my case, make there own assumption through my lady's advice, on what is expected for dowry and it does comes back (in my case). I have seen dowry's as small as 10,000 (this can be 4 months wages or more in some provinces), so don't get too exasperated about 100,000 or for that matter 400,000 whatever. Sometimes it is a FAMILY means test, you could say, but it generally comes back to you.

My 2 cents...

Cheers, garry

[Candyflip]

hey Candyflip

I am glad you mentioned that a dowry is YOUR family tradition. And the guy has to 100% give up ALL of his family traditions. HE is allowed no traditions because he lives here. NONE??? The guy has to become a quasi Thai and get rid of everything he is and knows. IF that is the case, why don't you just marry a Thai guy then?

We know the answer to that! Thai guys for the most part don't have the resources foreign guys do, or theThai guys know the scams and won't fall for them like foreign guys will. You can't manipulate a Thai guy like a Westerner, that is why.

tsk, it does not matter farang or Thai, if he wants to marry me, then he has to pay the dowry! otherwise I wont get married. More fish in the sea for me and for him,so..

Why would be such a big deal? Because like I said before, he would put me to the situation that I have to choose between him or my family, to not pay the dowry means as an insulting like sbk' thai husband said,and I am not a bar girl.I was born and raised in a good environment, very well-educated and i think I deserve a good treatment with well respect.

So pay it or not get married, I dont bother

Georgie, you are saving money for that right? lol

[markt]

Look, if they want to pay, let 'em pay.

It's their money, for the moment.......

[hkthai]

tsk, it does not matter farang or Thai, if he wants to marry me, then he has to pay the dowry! otherwise I wont get married. More fish in the sea for me and for him,so..

Why would be such a big deal? Because like I said before, he would put me to the situation that I have to choose between him or my family, to not pay the dowry means as an insulting like sbk' thai husband said,and I am not a bar girl.I was born and raised in a good environment, very well-educated and i think I deserve a good treatment with well respect.

So pay it or not get married, I dont bother

Hey Candyflip, you said it best. There are a lot of Thai women that will choose family over a husband if you forced them to make that decision.

[markt]

This is true. I know someone who admitted that his wife wouldn't have married him if he didn't pay up.

Then she pegged him for 600,000 B. Ouch!

[tks]

Wow...my last post was yanked I see....a little bit of censorship going on? Someone told me this would happen, and it seems like it did.

I hope that I am wrong that my post didn't get yanked. But it is gone. Oh well.....

God people hate the truth.

Hey Candyflip..okay, how about this....your future husband agrees to pay a dowry, half of it after you are married five years, and the remaining half after ten years of marriage???

Would YOU (not asking about your family, you) yes, would you agree to that payment???

Please don't say your family won't go for it, that is not what I am asking.

This seems to be a fair compromise. You are both giving and taking, that is what we call fair, right?

A simple yes or no will suffice.

[Candyflip]

tks, my answer is NO.

According to tradition,the dowry is paid at the marrige ceremony not after.

If you dont want follow it ,why would bother even thinking about paying the dowry!!?

I personally dont compromise, it s not a business.

So guys, think twice before propose me

[markt]

Has anyone got one of Black Eddie's moody 1000 baht notes ?

[sbk]

Hey Candyflip..okay, how about this....your future husband agrees to pay a dowry, half of it after you are married five years, and the remaining half after ten years of marriage???

Would YOU (not asking about your family, you) yes, would you agree to that payment???

Please don't say your family won't go for it, that is not what I am asking.

Tks, This just goes to show your lack of understanding of life in Thailand married to a Thai. For better or worse you don't just marry the person but the whole family. I have had to learn to take a back seat to family obligations more than once (and very frustrating it is too), but hey, if I didn't love my husband as much as I do I probably wouldn't stick around for the family hassles. So, its not necessarily the Thai persons choice, but yours. You have to ask yourself: How much do you love this person and are the hassles that you are guaranteed to have worth the love you have for this person?

[tks]

Candyflip--you said you don't compromise??? Wow, what a treat you must be to be with. It is your way or no way. Compromise, meaning both parties give to make it work, is the foundation of ANY relationship.

Not only do you want the money, you want it NOW!!! Gonna stomp your feet and break up with a guy if he doesn't buy you? Hmmm, you sound like you should be working in a certain area if I guy has to buy your love. (Yeah, I know, culture...hahaha)

You are a great example for these guys to see how Thai women think. Thank you for proving my point exactly. There you go guys.....her way or no way, she said it herself, she doesn't compromise!

Culture is the poorest and most overused excuse for everything here.

BTW, I understand Thai culture just fine, I just don't agree with most of it. Disagreement does NOT equal misunderstanding. Please don't second guess my ability in this area. I would put my eight years of university at top schools in the U.S. (psychology/psychiatry) against any Mickey Mouse school here.

Oh, hk, you are 100% right, a Thai woman takes care of her family before a husband everytime. He is second to everything, her parents, her drunken brothers, her dog, even her "buffalo." Don't forget he has no legal rights on or for anything here either.

Boy what a bargain that all sounds!!!

While this has all been fun, I see that this is a censored board, which I didn't know, so it seems that opinions are restricted to being P.C., a false road I will not walk down. A shame that truth, no matter how harshly presented, is restricted here. Truth meant to make others think and learn..........

Another typical indication of how Thailand is....keep up a good face no matter how shallow the inside is. (See, Candyflip, I understand Thailand very well!)

Save face...save face...save face! You guys still let that guide you, after thousands of years. You would think that that one foreigner who ran Thailand some time ago would have changed that (Thailand's dirty little secret, a white guy ran the country! I forgot his name, but it was around the time the name change to Thailand took place I believe, he wanted it to sound more like England). Not sure about the details on that one, my friend showed it to me in a history book.

Funny place!

[frenchFARANGbkk]

Really? Censored? Could you write it again on the board an PM me a copy?

And could the one who censored explain why?

Now I remember the first time I came to Thailand, a friend living here said me 'BE CAREFUL, THAI GIRLS CANNOT LOVE LIKE GIRLS LOVE IN THE WEST", it seems he was right.

I know nobody should have to choose, but if it happens, how the <deleted> is it possible a girl prefers to follow her family's rules than being with the one she loves. And how is it possible for the girl's family to put a so big clause on the wedding? I know, I know... cullture... that's the problem...

[Candyflip]

tsk,Its not everything can be compromised bebe!!

I did not say I would break up with my lover ( thats a different story)if he does not want to pay the dowry, just not get married!! The reason is simply that I would not want to be in such a situation that I have to choose between family and lover. We can still dating, no prob, just no married! If he fade up/demand to have a serious commitment such a married then I have my right to demand him to do the dowry too.

My point of view does not and cannot speak for the whole nation. Some other thai girls might say yes they would do it without any dowry but not me and that why I warn any guys that with me they should think twice. lol

I hope you understand my point now.

Frenchfarang, you will slightly learn how possible what thai girls can do for their family when you live in this country longer and open your eyes ( and mind )to see the different way of living. What you girls not normally do in your own country does not mean all ( the girls) the rest of the world should not do. People have different ways in cultural framework to live their lifes. One should not judge others.

[KevinN]

I am a very lucky guy,,My wife is Thai and very well educated,so I think that she is beyond this custom B.S. and is educated beyond ignorance, I was never asked for dowry payment,,we live next door to her fathers house,where her drunken brother and his wife also live and a sister on the otherside. And her family seems to be very glad that she has a good,Kind, caring,sober husband.

If there is a family function going on, she goes for a very short while if at all and I will not go around a bunch of drunk thais.

She seems to put my happiness and comfort ahead of everything else, and we never have a cross word,the only problem could be that she is a little jealous,but that doesn't show as I never give her an excuse.

TKS, yes this is a controled forum and very P.C. and is very easy to get called a BIGOT if you say the least negative thing about a Thai.

[shemmy]

TKS is bang on ! read my comments in the bearpit.This forum is highly cencored,if they don't like your angle Dr. pat pong zaps it.This forum is controlled by rich thai's who do not want to upset the status quo.There adgenda is to promote Thailand to the falang and not to identify or talk about any of the real issues or problems, so it is advisable to simply use this forum for the information you can use and not take it to seriousy.P.S marry a rich Thai.......How?.. well you'll have to appeal to their natural greed( they have plenty),convincing them that you are a sports or entertainment celebrity in your home country is very effective I have found and not as difficult as you may think with a little imagination.the star struck (Thai buffalo) takes great pride at showing you off to his or her other rich friends, once your in all things are possible,believe me!!!!!!I have truley adapted to the thai culture.................agreed?

[32x]

Where should i start?

Dowry payment was a strange thing for me because i was brought up in the west,but i try to understand the thai way of the situation.

it may seem really strange to Thais that in some western countries the brides father has to pay for the wedding.

It still goes on in my family,my uncle has married off 3 daughters and paid the lot 3 times. The points of this topic i dont like is the way some members think the Thais are up to something?,"his mother-law wants to give him land?,shes up to something!!".

If i can better the life of my TGFs family in anyway that also makes me happy,thats ok with me.

Just like i want my family to live a good life and want for nothing in the UK,the same goes to my future family in Thailand.

[markt]

KevinN & Shemmy, top blokes.

Now could you two make your way to departures please.

[chonabot]

Mark , I've got 2 dodgy 500's I could swap you?

[Guest ka1234]

The points of this topic i dont like is the way some members think the Thais are up to something?,"his mother-law wants to give him land?,shes up to something!!".

The reason I and many others react like that is the way it was explained. The mother in law can not give land to her farang son in law. She can give the land to her daughter, but not to them both and not to the son in law. Period. Either she don't understand this or the farang in question don't understand this. It doesn't matter if they will be married the rest of their lives, but saying that "after marriage all of this will be his" shows that either she don't understand that she can not give land to a foreigner or that she want to show off to him/make an excuse for the dowry.

[meemiathai]

I would put my eight years of university at top schools in the U.S. (psychology/psychiatry) against any Mickey Mouse school here.

Yuck! Makes me sick! Were you being studied on?

P*ss off then if you hate 'Thai' that much!

40-60 of age? pathetic! You must have been ripped off by Thai girls so many times! Well, I'm not surprised! I will bet that whatever girl is with you would be after your money only coz it is the only thing you have!(no matter farang or thai girl) Ever had a real love? haha

Show me how superior YOUR culture is! Where you are from!

What a hero you are to come and waken up all the gullible farangs here with the ugly truth!

Oh, how I envy you that you'd never had to spend any money on women!(If what you said was true!)

And good luck to all those who are stuck in the 'Land' they dislike so much!

[meemiathai]

Not only do you want the money, you want it NOW!!! Gonna stomp your feet and break up with a guy if he doesn't buy you? Hmmm, you sound like you should be working in a certain area if I guy has to buy your love. (Yeah, I know, culture...hahaha)

And what the <deleted> is wrong with you! You call that DISCUSSION?

[tks]

Edited January 9, 2004 by dr_Pat_Pong

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Racist sentiments removed and member warned