Muslim , Jewish , Catholic Jokes

[taxexile]

all these threads on terrorism seem to lead to strong views about religion and some intolerant comments but in the end no ones opinion is changed.

they just end up in shouting matches.

but religion can be funny too.

self deprecating jewish humour , dave allen type rants about catholicism etc.

post your religious jokes here and lets laugh a bit.

i'll start with some muslim humour.

JIHAD HUMOR - MUSLIM JOKES by stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians ? It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because its just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?"

Edited October 7, 2005 by taxexile

[Jai Dee]

Most excellent taxexile!!!

[Abandon]

some of that was a bit nasty

[Jai Dee]

Da Vinci code.........?

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Broad!"

[taxexile]

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and Grumpy gets to meet the Pope privately. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our sons are at least 5 feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Pause.

"Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about 3 feet tall, 2 feet tall?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay."

Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the Pope wonders why. So he listened to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six.

Grumpy says: "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting: "Grumpy ######ed a penguin! Grumpy ######ed a penguin! Grumpy ######ed a penguin!"…

[zaz]

I've posted this one before but....

I went to the sex shop the other day to get myself an inflatable doll. "Have you got any muslim ones?" I asked the shop attendant, "Muslim ones....?" he replied with a confused look, "Yes, Muslims ones" I said, "they blow themselves up...."

[taxexile]

abdulla the muslim , hymie the jew , and chris the catholic were caught by the police in saudi for drinking alcohol and were sentenced to be whipped.

before the whipping they were told that saudi was a forward looking society and as such they were allowed to have anything on their back from their cell during the whipping.

chris was first , and he asked for a blanket across his back. the whipping started and he screamed with pain until it was over.

next up was abdullah , he was asked what he wanted on his back , he said "nothing , allah will protect me from the pain , go on whip me and whip me hard . " , the whipping started and abdullahs only comment after the whipping was "have you started yet"

next up to the whipping post was hymie , trembling like a leaf by now ,

he was asked what he wanted on his back and he replied ,

"on my back i want abdullah"