Plight Of A Young Girl I Want To Help, But Don’T Know How?!

[JohnLim]

I am not sure if this is the right forum to post, mods kindly move if not.

Beware: Wall of Text

Jenny is a 11 years old girl who I have known for 5 years since 2006. She barely knows or remembers me since her her life has been spiraling downwards but I have kept myself updated on what is happending to her and the more I know, the more I feel I should help her but I don’t know how! She is the daughter of my wife’s cousin.

She used to be very bubbly and fun when I first knew her but over the years due to her extenuating circumstances, I can understand why anybody will grow to be quiet, depressed and withdrawn. I feel that her childhood has been taken away from her.

Mother is an alcoholic and lazy construction worker earning 150 baht a day. Loves to use her children as bargaining chip to squeeze money from relatives. The mother and 2 kids are currently staying at a small rented house near to the construction site where she works. From what I know, when Jenny goes to school, the younger brother is brought to play at the construction site as well. When Jenny returns from school, she has to take care of the younger brother while her mother indulges in her alcoholic obsession with her other construction worker colleagues at the men’s dormitory.

*Relatives have offered to pay her mother money to do spring cleaning but she refuses and rather stick out her hand for money which she then binges on alcohol.

Father is a construction foreman earning 300baht a day and living with a mistress half his age. Mistress also has a 2 years old son.

*He is totally henpecked by his mistress now. He has a relatively well off younger sister named Ann who married to Japan and I know that there was once when she went to Japan, he sold off everything in her house! Ann lives in Japan whilst her 2 kids remain in Thailand taken care of by her elder sister.

Her plight:

There was once, Jenny had to carry her little brother a few clicks to her auntie’s home as there were no food at home.

She shares a packet of instant noodles with 1 egg everyday with her brother.

She used to have a hp but her dad gave it to his mistress.

Her dad’s mistress slapped Jenny when she went to their house to visit her half brother

She is severely malnutrition from caring for her younger brother

Ann offered to adopt Jenny and her brother legally but her mother refuse knowing that she can squeeze sympathy money this way. Jenny is also very good friend’s with Ann’s daughter who is her same age and going to a private school whilst Jenny attends Government school. I can only imagine how she feel, having a well off friend while being at the end of the well herself.

I cannot give money to Jenny as she gives them to her father! I cannot give her parents for obvious reasons. After discussing with my wife, the only way I can help is to go down to Chiang Mai and buy her clothes, books, bring her out to eat etc. I feel very sorry for Jenny as she used to be this beautiful bubbly young gal but fate has downplayed her hard. I heard from my wife who last saw her in July that she is now very skinny, way too short for her age and is simply not cute anymore. This though, doesn’t change the fact that I want to help her still despite the fact that I have not seen her since Nov 2008.

You may ask why my wife don’t help her. Good question, because she is stingy! She said we have no house nor car (in Thailand) and we also have 2 kids etc….excuses I know but….I know of kids in more dire straits than Jenny but I felt compelled to help Jenny because I know that once she turns 15 or 16 without an education, the first place her mother will send her to is a karaoke lounge.

I have considered renting a house for Jenny and family but I am worried her mother might use her as a bargaining chip with me. I am not too well off myself, my wife isn’t working, I got a house loan and 2 kids but I am still able to afford a little like 2-3K baht a month.

Things have been going really bad for Jenny the last year or so and amongst the relatives, Ann has helped the most but since she is in Japan now, there is nothing much she can do. It appears that I am the only relative that can make a difference. The rest of the relatives have their own money issues as well.

I am looking for some constructive ways that I can really help her yet is not too straining on me. I plan to return in Songkran 2012.

Thank you all for reading this, I appreciate it as it has been weighing heavily on my mind and writing it out makes me feel so much better.

[canuckamuck]

In this country if the parents choose to use their children as a bargaining chip there is very little you can do about it. You are likely already marked as a soft target, but this doesn't mean you should walk away. My advice would be to do what you can for the girl and try to make sure she is getting food somehow. You might have to be sneaky to keep the mom from interfering with that as well. Having bad parents is one of the cruelest things humans face but showing her there are good people out there too will help her psychologically too.

A local church may be useful as well, if you can find one. Most can offer some help without being as easily manipulated.

[Kwasaki]

With you not being here all the time, I cannot see how you can help anymore than you are already trying too.

When you see her at your next visit, do the clothes thing the food thing and that's it.

Your passed affection for this child is all very well but you have already stated ( quote ) She barely knows or remembers me.

[Hssl]

Go to the girls school and pay for a months lunch, extra lessons etc

[PortoPlom]

Go to the girls school and pay for a months lunch, extra lessons etc

Good idea. Also if you trust a teacher there, some money could be left with the teacher for clothes etc.

[Beetlejuice]

Also be extremely careful that this girl’s family does not accuse you of having some other less honourable reasons for wanting to help this girl.

The mother could use her as more than a bargaining chip against you, especially if the family are desperate for money, as is usually the case in these situations.

You may become a victim yourself, ripe for extortion and blackmail, especially if you spend time out and about or alone with this girl.

Personally I would not get involved, but if you do, play this with extreme caution and try not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.

You could be walking on a loose tightrope here.

[jonnyscot]

Hi,, we had a similar situation to yourself with a far off relative of the wife's,, the girl was 9 when her father was killed in an auto accident and the mother turning to alcoholism,,,, the girl used to cycle to govt school about 7km every day until one morning when she was about 11 years old she was pulled from her bycicle and assaulted on her way to school,,

no one really knew how badly she was affected, but between the loss of her father, her mothers alcoholism and the assault, her self belief was severely dented she had no one to turn to for support,,

the wife learnt that after the assault happened the grandparents (mothers parents) who had a military background, had been setting the girl off on her journey by bycicle for school each morning,, waiting some time and then driving the school route in their truck to ensure she had arrived safely,,,,, (is this crazy or what), they wouldn't even allow the girl,, their granddaughter,, to travel in their car,,,

anyway the wife had talks with the alcoholic mother who after consulting with the grandparents allowed the wife to take the girl to live with her (this was before we married) as my wife lived within walking distance from the school. the girl came to stay with the wife for about 3 and a half years.

Initially much of the money my wife gave to the girl in the early part was passed on to the mother to fuel her boozing, when my wife learnt this she then stopped giving money directly to the girl instead paying for things herself at the school and taking her shopping for clothes at the markets,

after she was 14 or 15, I think, the wife then opened a bank account for her to use as she was moving away with the grandparents to Hua Hin whilst the alcoholic mother was staying put, my wife tried as best she could to send around 1500 baht each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) to help with her education and some clothing, now the girl is around 19 years old and we visited her earlier this year and we are happy to say she is now doing extremely well in college,

[thaiIand]

*He is totally henpecked by his mistress now. He has a relatively well off younger sister named Ann who married to Japan and I know that there was once when she went to Japan, he sold off everything in her house! Ann lives in Japan whilst her 2 kids remain in Thailand taken care of by her elder sister.

So ann is an ex working girl who dumped her own kid to service fulltime, the cousin is a drunkard wwith a womanizing husband...

stay away from that family seriously. You'll get in trouble.

Edited November 9, 2011 by thaiIand

[Kwasaki]

Also be extremely careful that this girl's family does not accuse you of having some other less honourable reasons for wanting to help this girl.

The mother could use her as more than a bargaining chip against you, especially if the family are desperate for money, as is usually the case in these situations.

You may become a victim yourself, ripe for extortion and blackmail, especially if you spend time out and about or alone with this girl.

Personally I would not get involved, but if you do, play this with extreme caution and try not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.

You could be walking on a loose tightrope here.

Good advice or a noose, any contact at all with the girl should be done in the company of your wife.

[thaibeachlovers]

Sad tale.

As her problem seems to be malnutrition, could you not pay a restaurant to feed her? At least that way she gets fed and the mother can't get the cash.

I agree about not getting involved directly, and not being alone with the girl at any time, though these days that applies to any adult male and a young girl or boy.not their own child.

[aussiebebe]

Go to the girls school and pay for a months lunch, extra lessons etc

Good idea. Also if you trust a teacher there, some money could be left with the teacher for clothes etc.

I really like that idea; limit your involvement to paying the school fees and hope the girl's mother will see to it that she attends. The school will give the girl a future, hope, and aspiration. Thai teachers are dedicated professionals doing a demanding job for meager pay and hold the child's best interests at heart. If you visit the school during the holidays you may be able to meet the teacher and arrange something. It's far better than giving money directly to the mother or child and will accomplish a lot more, not only educationally, but for the child's health and nutrition also. Good luck.

[MiG16]

If u can pay her school fees that will be a great start

Schools use to have a free lunch program. Anyone knows if they still do?

If us then that's at least one meal taken care of

If they don't there could be arrangement made

Give the money to the school principal and ask them to liaise with the school canteen to provide her a basic lunch and nutritious drink

Hope it works out.

[TerryLH]

The girl could go to a temple for food.

Every morning she can get enough food for the day.

[theblether]

The girl could go to a temple for food.

Every morning she can get enough food for the day.

On this note, could you come to a financial arrangement with the temple to mentor the young girl? I may be wrong but I think that even the most feckless mother would be wary of messing with the local temple.

ps I'm led to believe that there is a female only temple in Chiang Mai, though I may well be wrong. Maybe someone is the Chiang Mai forum or Buddhism forum could direct you better in that regard if you decide to go down this route.

[bifftastic]

I think contact with the school and the local temple would definitely be the best way to help this girl.

There aren't any school fees for Thai government schools, but parents do have to buy uniforms, the money is then reimbursed by the school. I'm not sure about the free school lunch, my two step-daughters take about 20 baht a day to school, but that might be to buy extra sweets or something.

What they also do is take a bit of extra money which they give to the teacher who saves it for them, they saved enough to buy themselves a bicycle this way, so as someone else has mentioned, Thai school teachers are usually very helpful and care about the futures of the children they teach.

I would also, with your wife, go to the nearest temple and speak to the top monk about this child's difficulties. It may be the case that she can go to the temple every day after school (she can also take her little brother) which should help to give her better supervision and might help her to feel better about the world.

If you can get both the school and the temple more involved it would, I think, be of great benefit to this girl, and wouldn't get you drawn in to her family's obvious problems.

It wouldn't cost much money to set this up, say 50-100 baht a day is what? £60 a month?

Good luck with this, I know she will be grateful for your help, maybe not now, but definitely in later life.

[thaibeachlovers]

You've had some good ideas there. Any follow up?

[Thongkorn]

I would stick my neck out and say that Thai people living near the girl would not let this happen, Thai women are very protective of all children, And they take a dim view of child abuse.

[thaibeachlovers]

Thongkorn, your reply is ambiguous. What would they not let happen, and who is abusing?

[JohnLim]

Thank you everybody for the replies. I am afraid that I have yet to do anything since I am not in Chiang Mai and pretty much cannot accomplish anything not being there. I am not exactly sure how to go about doing the temple suggestion as a foreigner. Morever, I cant just help Jenny alone, her 2 years old brother probably needs just as much help. Jenny will probably refuse my help unless I help her brother too? Things are so complicated and maybe this is why none of the relatives are stepping in.I was also told that Jenny is actaully 13, it appears that she looked much younger than her age due to malnutrition I believe.I do actaully have an idea of how to help Jenny, something I have been toying in my head for some time. This will be to move my family to Chiang mai. I will start a thread in Chiang Mai forum and hopefully you all can provide some much needed advice.

[Mirth]

School is free for extremely poor people. Only pay for uniform and necessities like pencils, pens, eraser, etc. Just look for the school counselor. Question is, is she willing to go school? Most kids her age are required to look after their younger siblings. Frankly, don't see how you can help when you are not here. Your wife is right, you should listen to her even though it's hard for you to digest. Thing is, she's thai, it's her relative and all so she should know and understand more than you.

[bifftastic]

Thank you everybody for the replies. I am afraid that I have yet to do anything since I am not in Chiang Mai and pretty much cannot accomplish anything not being there. I am not exactly sure how to go about doing the temple suggestion as a foreigner. Morever, I cant just help Jenny alone, her 2 years old brother probably needs just as much help. Jenny will probably refuse my help unless I help her brother too? Things are so complicated and maybe this is why none of the relatives are stepping in.I was also told that Jenny is actaully 13, it appears that she looked much younger than her age due to malnutrition I believe.I do actaully have an idea of how to help Jenny, something I have been toying in my head for some time. This will be to move my family to Chiang mai. I will start a thread in Chiang Mai forum and hopefully you all can provide some much needed advice.

In order to get the people at the temple and the school involved you would need to go there at least to start the whole thing off. Take your wife with you, you don't need to, and probably wouldn't be able to, do anything on your own.

[sbk]

Contact the Paveena Foundation:

http://www.pavenafoundation.or.th/index.php?option=com_chronocontact&Itemid=99&lang=en

[autan]

I think you also have to be very careful in what you say and do. When I read your post title, I have to admit, I was questioning your intentions, as I have read more I see they are clearly honourable, you to have be very careful how you are perceived to help this girl. Thailand is a country where mud sticks and accusations are thrown often and malicously.

If I was you, I would look up some local churches and donate money, resources through them, this will bring the plight of this young girl to the right kind of people and you will be able to help this girl from a safe distance far better, than getting involved directly.

Good luck to you both.

[Willeyeam]

The girl could go to a temple for food.

Every morning she can get enough food for the day.

On this note, could you come to a financial arrangement with the temple to mentor the young girl? I may be wrong but I think that even the most feckless mother would be wary of messing with the local temple.

ps I'm led to believe that there is a female only temple in Chiang Mai, though I may well be wrong. Maybe someone is the Chiang Mai forum or Buddhism forum could direct you better in that regard if you decide to go down this route.

I must admit, I take my hat off to the OP! His heart is in the right place and this is a terrible situation.

I believe that there is a female temple (and it is completely free) in Chom Thong - take HWY 108 and head SW out of Chiang Mai about 80KM it is on the left as you enter the town, anyone will point it out.

Sincerely, I hope you manage to help her out and it is great that you actually care! Good luck I really wish you well.

[BRichards]

Dont not go about helping women. Instead be a good person and not a doormat and go help old ladies.

[Trembly]

The girl could go to a temple for food.

Every morning she can get enough food for the day.

On this note, could you come to a financial arrangement with the temple to mentor the young girl? I may be wrong but I think that even the most feckless mother would be wary of messing with the local temple.

ps I'm led to believe that there is a female only temple in Chiang Mai, though I may well be wrong. Maybe someone is the Chiang Mai forum or Buddhism forum could direct you better in that regard if you decide to go down this route.

I've never been to a temple (and I've been to quite a few, growing up both in BKK and the countryside) that doesn't have piles of food left after morning alms.

Malnutrition is one thing, but foremost in my mind is the fact that in such a vulnerable position she is ripe for sexual abuse / exploitation. Think far and act fast.