Poms Teasing The Aussies [But We Love You Really!]

[anon21]

Life in the Australian Army!

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot

water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggured because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of wee-wee!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Q: What do you call an Aussie girl with two sausages on her head?

A: Barbie

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

This bloke is about to have an "Aussie moment"

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last moments in life to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then this bloke stands up at the other end. He is so handsome: tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes (yer typical Aussie male in fact).

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ........... one button at a time. The plane is a-rattling and a-shaking in the turbulence; they could all be about to die. No one moves. Everyone is transfixed.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his body. Her chest is heaving now; her pert breasts pressed tight against her T shirt. As he stands before her looking down she gasps in anticipation.

And then he says..... "Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer...."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

This bloke's about to have an Aussie moment.

Bruce goes to his doctor and says he has a problem with sex: "My wife thinks my 'magic wand' is too small".

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Fosters. You know, that Aussie beer ... also known as' the amber nectar,'" he replies, a bit confused.

"Ah - there's your problem. It shrinks things, those lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow and I don't just mean the hairs on your chest ... if you get my meaning!" says the doctor as he gives Bruce a big wink.

Two months later Bruce sees the doctor in the street and goes up to him with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

.

"I take it you're now drinking Guinness?" asked the doc.

"Nope I can't stand the stuff - but I've got the wife hooked on Fosters."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Aussies may be big and tough, but they yearn for romance too.

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Bruce is about to have another 'Aussie moment'::

Bruce is driving along, and spots a woman hitchhiker thumbing a lift at the side of the road. He stops his car, leans across, and opens the door.

He says with a smile: "Climb on in. I'm not one of those blokes, who only offers lifts to the good looking chicks, you know." :roll:

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

A ventriloquist walked up to an Aussie, Steve, and said: "I bet I can make your horse talk."

Steve: "That horse can't talk, cobber"

Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does your master treat you?"

Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."

Ventriloquist: "I bet I can make your dog talk."

Steve: "My dog doesn't talk mate."

Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"

Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."

Ventriloquist: "I bet I can make your sheep talk."

Steve (looking very pale): "That sheep's a ****ing liar, mate!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

The Romantic Australian

An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. A sheep and a sheepdog survived the tragedy too; everyone else had drowned. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity for a little romance and a tender kiss, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Ha! I knew it! God is an Englishman ...

An Australian cricket fan dies (probably from drinking too much) and goes to Heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.

'No Australian cricket fans in Heaven,' replies Saint Peter.

'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.

'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'

'But, but, but, I've been a good bloke,' replies the Aussie.

'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'

'Well, three weeks before I died I gave A$10 to the starving children in Africa.'

'Oh yeah,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'

'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave A$10 to the homeless.'

'Hmmm, anything else?'

'You bet. A week before I died I gave A$10 to the Albanian orphans.'

'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss.'

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your A$30 back, now **** off.'

NB We love our Aussie friends really. I'm sure that they would want you to know that a Frenchman once wrote: "The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is that God would never trust an Englishman in the dark!" Which is what most Aussies think as the light begins to fade at the end of a long day playing England at cricket

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[David006]

Ha! I knew it! God is an Englishman ...

An Australian cricket fan dies (probably from drinking too much) and goes to Heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.

'No Australian cricket fans in Heaven,' replies Saint Peter.

'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.

'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'

'But, but, but, I've been a good bloke,' replies the Aussie.

'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'

'Well, three weeks before I died I gave A$10 to the starving children in Africa.'

'Oh yeah,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'

'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave A$10 to the homeless.'

'Hmmm, anything else?'

'You bet. A week before I died I gave A$10 to the Albanian orphans.'

'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss.'

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your A$30 back, now **** off.'

NB We love our Aussie friends really. I'm sure that they would want you to know that a Frenchman once wrote: "The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is that God would never trust an Englishman in the dark!" Which is what most Aussies think as the light begins to fade at the end of a long day playing England at cricket

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Ha! I knew it! God is an Englishman ...

An Australian cricket fan dies (probably from drinking too much) and goes to Heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.

'No Australian cricket fans in Heaven,' replies Saint Peter.

'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.

'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'

'But, but, but, I've been a good bloke,' replies the Aussie.

'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'

'Well, three weeks before I died I gave A$10 to the starving children in Africa.'

'Oh yeah,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'

'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave A$10 to the homeless.'

'Hmmm, anything else?'

'You bet. A week before I died I gave A$10 to the Albanian orphans.'

'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss.'

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your A$30 back, now **** off.'

NB We love our Aussie friends really. I'm sure that they would want you to know that a Frenchman once wrote: "The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is that God would never trust an Englishman in the dark!" Which is what most Aussies think as the light begins to fade at the end of a long day playing England at cricket

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Glad you enjoyed it David006.

Guess we Poms are a bit too hard on them Aussies. Did you read though in the Wikileaks that President Bush is very grateful to our Aussie mates.

It happened in those years when everyone was searching for Osama Bin Laden. At one point he seemed to have disappeared right off the map. People even began to hope that he had died. All the time, Bin Laden was holed up somewhere watching his satellite tv and having a good laugh at the President's expense.

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. Even Mi6 couldn't help. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked the Australian Secret Service ( known by everyone in the business as A.S.S) to help.

The scene shifts to Melbourne, Australia. The head of A.S.S., aka 'S', has just got back from a weekend wrestling with sharks off the North Coast. She picks up the message, kicks off her flip flops, and scrutinises it closely as she chomps on her crocodile and Vegemite sandwich.

370HSSV-0773H

Suddenly, S has solved the mystery. "Strewth!" she gasps, as she grabs the phone and calls the White House.

"G'dday mate," she rasps. "I have an urgent news for your Prez."

George Bush's personal aide winces at her informality, but then shrugs his shoulders. "Well she is Australian."

"Tell the President he's been holding the message upside down."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

An 85-year-old Aussie went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home, sport, and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. You know what you will have to do to get the specimen don't you."

The man smiled and nodded.

The next day the 85-year-old Aussie reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife, Sheila, for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yes mate. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

An 80-year old Aussie goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition mate?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well,sport," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead, mate?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

If you thought that all Aussie girls are Wild Colonial Girls or rough and ready Sheilas, who can drink us blokes under the table, then think again dear friends.

In the following video, Princess Mary of Denmark, who was in fact born in Sydney, and so is really an Aussie Girl at heart, knows how to act with all due decorum

To view, click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Bruce comes in to the room and says to his wife, Sheila, "I'm going out for a beer. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

Bruce replies, "No. I'm turning the heater off."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Strewth! There's no mate like an Aussie mate, mate!

As reported in The Northern Territory News:

Shop worker Lee Collinson has redefined the meaning of Aussie mateship - by risking arrest to ferry condoms to a friend in need.

Asked by police why he was driving unlicensed, he said: "My cousin was about to (have sex with) this girl and he needed his bum bag because it had his condoms in it."

Darwin magistrate David Loadman said: "Carrying condoms to a mate who is in desperate need must be something much better than the good Samaritan ever did. I cannot imagine the scene. This woman, about to embrace passionately, is waiting for the condom arrival. Bizarre in the extreme."

He told Collinson: "When the Poms ask Australians to define mateship, your circumstances could serve as a very good example."

Mr Loadman convicted him for driving unlicensed in October and fined him $100.

Collinson, 24, of Millner, Darwin, said outside the court: "I don't regret my actions and I would do it again. My cousin - 'baby brother John' - is like a brother to me. And at least he was practising safe sex. He was being responsible. He got the condoms and I think he had a good night."

Collinson was rewarded for his act of mateship. He met his girlfriend that night. She was among a group of friends sent by his cousin to pick him up from the police station after being booked.

"We've been together ever since," he said.

Northern Territory News

BTW In the UK, Mates is the brand name of condoms ( thanks to Sir Richard Branson of Virgin)

Greetings from over the Silver Sea