Would You Consider This Cheating ?

[Oye at Home]

It's slightly off topic to this debate anyway, but i often hear women remark on the fact that the male reaction to their partners infidelity often seems to be even more pronounced, in general, than feales'. There is a biological explanation for it, which is somewhat more compelling than the 'men are more immature, selfish, and prone to double standards' line of reasoning that i have observed on other threads in this sub forum. Just like there are biological explanations for individuals polygynous urges.

Which brings us to the point of the topic, 'what constitutes cheating?'. By definition, if you have a contract or agreement with another individual and then renege on your word, you are cheating that individual. The problem arises when some individuals are forced to make promises that run contrary to their nature. Can you expect to hold such an individual to their word? I can well believe that it must be an unsettling situation for some, and the whole situation is not always as simple as someone making a conscious decision that from now on they will abide by a certain code of conduct regardless of circumstances.

If the reaction to a partner's dishonesty differs from person to person, it may be because the trade-off is different. An example: In general, more women then men tend to depend financially on their partner's income. Therefore, the consequences of reacting violently or kicking the man out could be more severe in these cases. The woman may be willing to trade having an honest relationship for financial security....

People aren't forced to do anything--they make CHOICES. They can choose not to agree to an exclusive relationship. They can choose to agree to one, and then later change their mind. When they change their mind, they can tell their partner, or they can lie. What tends to work in a relationship between two people who care for each other: Honesty. What tends to work in a relathipship between two people who care for each other, AND are physically attracted to each other: Honesty and Exclusivity. Sure, you can try Honesty, and Nonexclusivity--but the odds of this working in a relationship that includes mutual phyical attraction aren't good.

What's the difference between fantasizing about someone else, and acting on the fantasy? The former involves just one person, the fantasizer. The latter involves two people, the fantasizer, and someone else. That makes all the difference! Although I would also add, that fantasizing about someone you don't know is a better bet. When you fantasize about someone you know, you run the risk of confusing your fantasy with reality. That can cause a lot of problems.

That's about it for me on this one, too!

[Sheryl]

Don't confuse outward reaction to degree of hurt. While it's true that men react more violently and are less able to tolerate ínfidelity, this does not mean that it bothers them more. Women are VERY deeply hurt by infidelity -- including Thai women and including Thai women wose partners "only"sleep with prostitutes.

But for a combination of social and physiological reasons, women are less prone to vehement expression of anger and hurt (exceptions exist, of course) and also more likely to put up with it even thought it hurts like hel_l. Financial dependency, concern for keeping the family together, cultural expectations and conditioningall play a role. Although this latter is changing.

Thai society expects a wife to put up with infidelity, especially if it's "just sex" and this is even codified in the divorce laws. Most women comply with this expectation but it doesn't mean they aren't tormented inside. I know many who have become depressed, or dependent on tranquilizers etc...

[kat]

" ... But for a combination of social and physiological reasons, women are less prone to vehement expression of anger and hurt (exceptions exist, of course) "

Yes, exceptions that are quite prevelant here in Thailand, as a matter of fact.

[Sheryl]

" ... But for a combination of social and physiological reasons, women are less prone to vehement expression of anger and hurt (exceptions exist, of course) "

Yes, exceptions that are quite prevelant here in Thailand, as a matter of fact.

Feeding the ducks.......

[phibunmike]

Agree. It is a scientific fact that men's "urges" are much stronger than women's. But is it an excuse for cheating? I believe no.

If a man satisfies a physical urge for extra-marital sex, I think that is less significant than if he secretly adores a girl in the office but does nothing about it. However, I don't think many women would agree ?

Still, I agree with a previous poster that if you feel the need to hide something, then it is wrong.

[TAWP]

If all families had a maid that also was 'tossing the guys sallad' reguarly every morning/night, would there be more or less infidality? More or less physical abuse? More or less men with drinking-problems?

I can imagine it now, getting up, having a shower, getting my breakfast server; juice, sandwich, fried egg, and a stroke of the salami, then start with the days job in a relaxed mood.

[Oye at Home]

If all families had a maid that also was 'tossing the guys sallad' reguarly every morning/night, would there be more or less infidality? More or less physical abuse? More or less men with drinking-problems?

I can imagine it now, getting up, having a shower, getting my breakfast server; juice, sandwich, fried egg, and a stroke of the salami, then start with the days job in a relaxed mood.

Well, TAWP, you can solve all of your problems with a little DIY. What's the need for a maid?

Edited February 14, 2006 by Oye at Home

[TAWP]

More fun?

I mean, that is like asking why guys go after woman at all...

Edited February 15, 2006 by TAWP

[Oye at Home]

Oh you just want to have more fun. Sorry I misunderstood! Thought you were trying to avoid committing infidelity, physical abuse, and a drinking problem. No doubt you and your maid will have lots of fun!

[Uma~~]

It's slightly off topic to this debate anyway, but i often hear women remark on the fact that the male reaction to their partners infidelity often seems to be even more pronounced, in general, than feales'. There is a biological explanation for it, which is somewhat more compelling than the 'men are more immature, selfish, and prone to double standards' line of reasoning that i have observed on other threads in this sub forum. Just like there are biological explanations for individuals polygynous urges.

Which brings us to the point of the topic, 'what constitutes cheating?'. By definition, if you have a contract or agreement with another individual and then renege on your word, you are cheating that individual. The problem arises when some individuals are forced to make promises that run contrary to their nature. Can you expect to hold such an individual to their word? I can well believe that it must be an unsettling situation for some, and the whole situation is not always as simple as someone making a conscious decision that from now on they will abide by a certain code of conduct regardless of circumstances.

If the reaction to a partner's dishonesty differs from person to person, it may be because the trade-off is different. An example: In general, more women then men tend to depend financially on their partner's income. Therefore, the consequences of reacting violently or kicking the man out could be more severe in these cases. The woman may be willing to trade having an honest relationship for financial security....

People aren't forced to do anything--they make CHOICES. They can choose not to agree to an exclusive relationship. They can choose to agree to one, and then later change their mind. When they change their mind, they can tell their partner, or they can lie. What tends to work in a relationship between two people who care for each other: Honesty. What tends to work in a relathipship between two people who care for each other, AND are physically attracted to each other: Honesty and Exclusivity. Sure, you can try Honesty, and Nonexclusivity--but the odds of this working in a relationship that includes mutual phyical attraction aren't good.

What's the difference between fantasizing about someone else, and acting on the fantasy? The former involves just one person, the fantasizer. The latter involves two people, the fantasizer, and someone else. That makes all the difference! Although I would also add, that fantasizing about someone you don't know is a better bet. When you fantasize about someone you know, you run the risk of confusing your fantasy with reality. That can cause a lot of problems.

That's about it for me on this one, too!

I have said many times there is nothing biological about cheating, it all comes down to culture and society. It's a man made folly, literally.