Dating In Thailand

[jdinasia]

Dating in Thailand____ The idea behind this thread is to continue Dukkha's positive thinking, warm fuzzy feeling threads!

I have a bucketload of friends in Thailand that just don't get why they have troubles meeting guys that are really "datable". I think this comes from their first introductions to Thailand. Really, when you think about it it makes sense. A guy that's 50 and chubby gets here on vacation and goes to Silom (or Suriwong or Pattaya or Patong or Chiang Mai) and gets mobbed by guys that they could never have had a chance with at home even if they were going to pay. It can make one comepletely nuts.

There is something more than a bit "un-real" about the whole situation, and without exposure to other things in Thailand. The "unreal" slowly becomes more and more real!

So, on to the point! Where can guys meet guys to date?

I arrived at the Thailand Cultural Center about 15 minutes before my friend and was astounded by the number of gay Thai guys there for the concert. There were a few interracial gay couples. Some guys with friends ... some guys with dates ... some with family and some alone. I had a smoke out front while waiting and did the nod and smile thing a few times. Pretty soon I was talking to a couple of guys out front! My date arrived so I said goodbye and headed in.

OK .. so not everyone loves Symphony or Opera .. and yes places like that are kinda stacked in your favor for meeting gay men. It really doesn't matter where you go at all! But go! If you love Muay Thai then go to Lumpini on a fri night (the boxing stadium not the park ;-) Get there a few minutes early and hang out. Smile :-) say hi to people ((Granted it's better if they make eye-contact and smile back.))

I have met guys at temple .. and out shopping.

I do have to say that more cultural events probably give a better chance of meeting guys that are datable. Some of these events are going to be expensive and that's NOT a bad thing! Many are free or very low ticket price. I think that these cultural things are a good choice for various reasons. The chances of meeting a guy that speaks the language that the event is help in increases dramatically over meeting a random guy. Guys that go to events like this are likely to be educated. They are likely to have more free-time that is not devoted to just working. They will be more open to understanding people from different cultures.

It is probably a very good thing to look at the weekend guide in the BKK Post or The Nation and find something that interests you! Always a plus in a guy when he likes some of the same things that you do! If you are like some of our posters and are at loose ends with your time during the day, maybe trying to find a place to volunteer would be cool! You may meet guys that also have similar amounts of free time or dedication to a cause etc.

Where would you guys suggest for meeting datable guys?

Edited February 16, 2006 by jdinasia

[Caoimhín]

I'm over 50 but hopefully not too chubby, and I've just arrived in this fair country. Haven't been mobbed yet but obviously going to the wrong places! Are you suggesting that most of the men who attend cultural events alone are gay and potentially up for a relationship? Be great if that is so, unlike in the UK where most of the guys are straight! I really would like some tips on where to meet guys who speak reasonable English and are interested in some of the things I am, so I will certainly take your advice and book a few events. All other suggestions welcome also.

[jdinasia]

I'm over 50 but hopefully not too chubby, and I've just arrived in this fair country. Haven't been mobbed yet but obviously going to the wrong places! Are you suggesting that most of the men who attend cultural events alone are gay and potentially up for a relationship? Be great if that is so, unlike in the UK where most of the guys are straight! I really would like some tips on where to meet guys who speak reasonable English and are interested in some of the things I am, so I will certainly take your advice and book a few events. All other suggestions welcome also.

Most? nooo but a fair percentage. Better figure out how you'll approach someone before you go :-) (Smoking serves me well! .. but then I mostly meet smokers)

[jdinasia]

Apparently nobody has an opinion or experience about meeting guys for dating outside of the typical "gay places".

oh well

[PeaceBlondie]

Okay, maybe this counts. I'm checking out of a furniture store when the cashier begins fondling my fingers, saying how big they are, obviously flirting with me, asking me what size certain other body parts are. We make a date.

People whom you trust begin to realize you don't date women. You can flat-out tell them that you date men. Some of them will say, "I have a friend you might want to meet."

While it's not always wise to date at work, at least those folks are usually your peers, and you already know several important things about them.

And then there are the store clerks, waiters and hotel employees, and their bosses - you can make the first move! My flirtation skills are still mired in the ancient, hetero past, but I can say to a rather obvious candidate, "Oh, you are very handsome. What you do, where you from, do you have a fan?" And not just the clerks; try management, too.

[jdinasia]

Thinking about work .... I never have used my co-workers as a dating pool. However I have used them as a great referral pool. I worked as an openly gay man in a VERY hetero field. Our customers however had a huge percentage of gay employees. (We were the logistics company for Starbucks).

It would have been nuts to date the Regional Managers ... but the store managers were fair game!

Anyways ... that was way off track ...

My best referral source here was actually a guy I dated before here in Thailand! One of those "liked each other but just didn't work out". There are benefits to being a decent enough human being that when you date and it doesn't work you remain freinds! He always invited 2-3 extra single guys to house parties when I was single .. and always nice, quality guys!

Edited February 22, 2006 by jdinasia

[Ijustwannateach]

JD, good thread. I agree with the above regarding remaining friends with ex-s. MFC owes me some intros (he invited me to a party a week or so ago, but I was out of town visiting some far out senioristo). "O" will probably always be too jealous to introduce me to anyone else, but recently he has been an invaluable source of information and gossip. Come to think of it, "O" was an introduction from friends- chalk down one failure for that method, but he fooled my friends, too, and I've had more successful times along that line before.

Other ungay places to meet gays? Well, how about volleyball courts and swimming pools? These pastimes seem to attract a lot of gay people in Thailand (and maybe elsewhere, too).

Markets and fairs... lots of people attracted to the spectacle and the fact they don't need to have a lot of money to spend to enjoy themselves and have a day out.

Schools! Haven't I heard somewhere that many teachers are gay? Since I'm in that line myself, I wouldn't want to date anyone in the same business, even if they weren't at the same school... too much chance that we'd wind up working together sooner or later, and that's not a relationship issue I want to deal with, myself.

I've attempted to introduce mutual friends myself, but no great successes that way yet... at least I hope some pleasant dates have resulted.

PB, the department store is a great undervalued source of contacts with working gay men. A friend of mine used to go shopping at a particular store simply because of the flirting.... and now that he's no longer single, he doesn't trust himself to shop there anymore!

"Steven"

Edited February 22, 2006 by Ijustwannateach

[jdinasia]

Hmmm there was my first trip to the Big C in Petchaburi .... they were having a cabaret show upstairs in the food court! Never been cruised so much in my life! The performers could have been in college already ... but maybe not ... so me and my friends just had a beer and watched!

(I rather doubt a H.S. would organize a show that naughty ... but at the time I was unsure so I just stuck with my fellow students!)

[ProThaiExpat]

Reading this thread harkens me back to similar discourses one can find in any gay community almost anywhere in the world.

By dating, do we mean the constant cycle of new sexual relationships, generally of six weeks or shorter, enjoyed by many men not looking for LTRs. Having been always LTR oriented, I found dating to be the most unproductive and frustrating way of achieving a LTR. It also requires one to be an extrovert.

Being introverted, LTR oriented and interested in younger men in an extremely age consious society, I chose advertising as the means of gaining the attention of the widest possible candidate base without all the rejection attendant to pickups and the "dating dance". (We all are aware of the "peacock phenomenon".

When newspapers, magazines and dating services gave way to the internet, gay.com chatroom became my means of contacting the widest goup of men with specifications "up front" to weed out the age conscious, two headed monsters, etc.

Granted, phony pictures, lies and deciet issues are not lessened over the dating matrix by chat room screening, but I was successful in meeting my Thai via the internet from the comfort of my home in Hawaii and can only say it worked, at least for me.

It does take a good deal of chatting, I must have chatted with over 200 Thais before I met the right one for me, and being brutally forward in what you want and in-depth interrogation is required. you get the hang of it after about 100 hours of chatting and you get quite good at spotting phonies through perceptive questions.

So on balance, I would say it is not less time consuming than the dating approach, but at least it is done in the comfort of your own home and at considerably less expense. Certainly, it opens up the world of the shy Thai, and assures English competence. A good initial screening of prospective dates, if nothing else.

[Ijustwannateach]

^PTE, sounds like your list of interview questions would make a good thread on its own! Please let us have a glimpse!

Oh, and I don't know why I forgot: the GYM! You're around a crowd who're taking care of themselves, you get to check out their appearance in advance, you know they'll be returning there, and they'll mostly have money of some sort in order to be members. I've been shamefully flirty at mine recently- there's even a risk that I'll get myself in shape!

"Steven"

[Steve2UK]

Okay, maybe this counts. I'm checking out of a furniture store when the cashier begins fondling my fingers, saying how big they are, obviously flirting with me, asking me what size certain other body parts are. We make a date.

People whom you trust begin to realize you don't date women. You can flat-out tell them that you date men. Some of them will say, "I have a friend you might want to meet."

While it's not always wise to date at work, at least those folks are usually your peers, and you already know several important things about them.

And then there are the store clerks, waiters and hotel employees, and their bosses - you can make the first move! My flirtation skills are still mired in the ancient, hetero past, but I can say to a rather obvious candidate, "Oh, you are very handsome. What you do, where you from, do you have a fan?" And not just the clerks; try management, too.

Heve to agree with PB about sales staff - certainly department stores. In my case it's more likely to be a reference to my far-from-petite nose - the guy might rub his own nose and say "Ohhhhhhh - you are very luckeee...... luckeee for your friend, I think" . You might expect it in the menswear section (?) but I seem to get the bigger-than-usual smiles, laughing and flirting in just about any department - from "small electricals" to "home furnishing". I have to resist the temptation to spend all my time in the "bedding" section ........

On the practical side, a guy working in a department store a] has a decent job (obviously) and b] speaks better than average English. Not wanting to sound too calculating when I say that, but they're plainly factors that are going to help the prospects of a good LTR for both of us.

I also agree with PTE about the online options (given that I'm not yet living in LOS full-time - roll on April and I will be ). With a bit of experience, your antennae get fine-tuned and once you're chatting you can usually spot a phoney after a while. Of course, you also have to be disciplined yourself i.e. mean what you say and only say what you mean; I would always say something to the effect of "When we meet and can get to know each other, then we will both know if there can be something more". Making wild promises and telling a guy that I only know from online chats and 'phone calls that "you're the one for me" is just absurd - and what does it say about him if he believed me (and vice versa)? Online contact can be a great way to start getting to know someone, but it's only a good start and nothing more without the "real" and continuing contact to follow on from it - therefore no different from "real world" encounters. That said, he may well open up more when chatting online because it maybe feels safer and is less influenced by the "face" factor?

BTW, I notice that a lot of online (and other) Thai guys really want to be sure that I am actually single - which makes me think that they expect a lot of farang to be just playing the field and looking for yet another ONS. Maybe that's something to think about for some of those farang who bang on about being taken for a ride - it's a two-way street. Against which, if "even the longest journey starts with a single step" then, presumably even the longest LTR starts with ONS?

[toptuan]

Oh, and I don't know why I forgot: the GYM!...you get to check out their appearance in advance...shamefully flirty...get myself in shape!

Meat-market mentality, but typical of the more visible "gay scene," we all have to admit.

Most of the guys are so into themselves, there's no room for anyone else, emotionally.

Coming from a guy who's been going to the gym for 20 years (strictly to stay healthy! Honest.).

Edited February 23, 2006 by toptuan

[ProThaiExpat]

Both steve2uk and toptuan said it so well. I am a lifetime gym goer (one in home now) and I never met even one "date" at the gym. I do know there are some famous gay gyms in West Hollywood where a lot of "activity" goes on and I am sure dating and relationships do grow out of that experience, but I found the gym enviroment even more "competitive" than the bar scene, body comparing and ranking vs. face and appearance criteria controlling.

I found the rejection level of bars and other "watering holes" to be so high that I just didn't deal with it well. I am one of the world's worst cruisers, so clearly cruise venues were not productive for me.

Saunas worked for me as you see what you get, have tried out the dynamics and got the "sex" thing out of the way up front, compatibility wise, and then could exchange numbers or "go out" for cofee when the deed was done.

Steve2UK said it well, IJWT, regarding interview technique in a chat room. Leading questions come naturally with a little practice. There really is not a formula. Example, a really "hot" Pataya boy (negative #1) describing his spending habits and what he liked to do with his spare time compared with his income level as staff in an internet shop clearly identified him as a "money boy" (negative #2) clincher question "If we were together, how much would you need as an "allowance" over and above my paying for everthing when we are out together, at home and your income from work?"(Kiss off answer) "10K baht a month".

Thus the chat room provided me with the most effective "filter" in my search, since I put my age, physical description and ISO age and physical type requirements as part of my avatar. Imagine

how many drinks, hellos, rejections or dinners are required to just get that far if one tries other venues to get dates. A photo "up front" also acts as a good filter on both sides of a chat. Imagine, all the faces one must go through in a social meeting place to get to one that attracts you and vice versa!!!

It may sound crass to extroverts and those who love social intercourse, but to me, chat rooms are far more efficient, comfortable and less expensive by far than "getting out there".

Notwithstanding everything I have said on the subject, I still consider myeself very lucky in finding my Thai, even with my "efficiency", since so much of the "glue" that keeps us together and growing was not even revealed until we lived together for a year. Many of the root causes that attracts him to me are his life experiences long ignored and not understood by him, since he is not anylitical at all, where I am the opposite. Yes he did lie to me in some areas before we met and during our first year, although they were lies of ommission, which I ascribe to a "cultural divide". Subject for another thread. "Should one tell all?"

[jdinasia]

Nice to see this thread moving!

I found gay.com's BKK chatroom excellent for finding dates.

I think it was TPE that asked about dating in reference to LTR's. Personally I think dating is the process of finding out who someone is. Before moving to Thailand I had sworn off living with someone before having dated at least a year. OK ... so that didn't really work out after moving here!

I see dating as a way NOT to let cathexis or puppylove or lust alone make my decisions. Love IS a choice in my opinion. At least love with commitment etc.

There are some groups here ... one from gayromeo.com and then there's the Long Yang Club chapter here. Might be a good option for residents.

Saunas here I use for relaxing only ... strangely ..... It could be that I go to the Thai ones for the most part and don't get cruised. It might also be that sitting around in a towel and watching people wearing towels sing karaoke... while I have a beer ... is .. wel ... just FUN!

The guys (volunteers) at the BIFF were very forward this week :-)

[Steve2UK]

Personally I think dating is the process of finding out who someone is.

Absolutely.

In my earlier post about online contact (e.g. through GayRomeo etc profiles followed by 1-1 chat), I said that after a while, you could usually spot a phoney. That made it sound a bit negative - as if it's only about weeding out versions of MB from the "real thing". But, of course, it's equally if not more about simply finding out whether guy 'X' feels right for me - and (just as importantly) for him to find out the same about me. In my eyes we're both candidates - I'm nobody's meal-ticket and I'm not hiring............

Like JD did before moving to LOS, I want to spend about a year "dating" (really wish we could come up with a better word - "seeing each other"?) before it becomes a live-in relationship. What price that kind of discipline and willpower, eh?

[jdinasia]

If I ever go through the dating thing again here ... at least I have gained experience in dealing with people in Thailand. I now have friends that don't speak any English other than pleasantries. I get to talk with them about their dating experiences. Their experiences are very similar to many people's back home with the exception that many are closeted (so .. much like my friends from traditional Catholic families).

In fact I only have 4 friends in Thailand that are 100% out to their families... (that I know of) and they are all ladyboys.

I still think online is a decent way to screen guys before meeting. I don't think ,however, that it should come with a warning. An online relationship is NOt a "real" relationship. It can be a great lead in to a real relationship. But online relationships are like dating without the bad breath and tardiness. I know a friend that wasted over a year online chatting with a guy. Professing love back and forth. etc .. He was truly InLove!

Sadly when time came to meet for the first time there just wasn't anything "there' ... no chemistry at all. The reason I say wasted is that this guy stopped putting himself out there where he could actually meet someone that wasn't 3000 kilometers away. 12 months ... big phone bills ... hours wasted online and ... zippo, nada, nothing!

[TopChinese]

Sadly when time came to meet for the first time there just wasn't anything "there' ... no chemistry at all. The reason I say wasted is that this guy stopped putting himself out there where he could actually meet someone that wasn't 3000 kilometers away. 12 months ... big phone bills ... hours wasted online and ... zippo, nada, nothing!

I still think saunas work out best in Thailand. Lots of things to do while waiting for Mr Right. And when he arrives, you can size him up real quick, get a feel of how things can go AND actually manage a decent conversation/interview before getting involved!

[Ijustwannateach]

^^JD, it would be my guess that the next time your friend tries to date someone he will find some similar "distancing" device- the friend is in another country, or married, or somehow "unavailable." A lot of times guys who are threatened by a real relationship choose these other kinds as a way to avoid the thing they fear while still doing what they think they're supposed to, or in search of a way of satisfying real needs while avoiding intimacy...

Or maybe he was just being silly that time.

"Steven"

[jdinasia]

Sadly when time came to meet for the first time there just wasn't anything "there' ... no chemistry at all. The reason I say wasted is that this guy stopped putting himself out there where he could actually meet someone that wasn't 3000 kilometers away. 12 months ... big phone bills ... hours wasted online and ... zippo, nada, nothing!

I still think saunas work out best in Thailand. Lots of things to do while waiting for Mr Right. And when he arrives, you can size him up real quick, get a feel of how things can go AND actually manage a decent conversation/interview before getting involved!

Hey TC ... let us know how your trip went this weekend!

OK ... so far I have been to Siam Paragon 5 times or more. That place is almost too gay to function! I swear there are more gay guys there at any given time than at G Star (or DJ station)

The travel fair at QSNCC this weekend was busy too! Easier to strike up a conversation at QSNCC than at Paragon though. (excuse me ... have you ever been here (referring to a place on offer etc).

Speaking of QSNCC ... was there Thursday night and ate at Retro live cafe ... about 700 baht for both of us with appetizers, main courses, a dessert, and non-booze drinks. Live band there and a great outdoor area! Next to the lake with a great skyline view! NICE!

[jdinasia]

thought i'd bounce this back to the top

[Papa_Lazarou]

Okay, maybe this counts. I'm checking out of a furniture store when the cashier begins fondling my fingers, saying how big they are,

Sounds like 'Little Red Riding Hood'.

[jdinasia]

OK ... have found a few gay gathering points in Phuket town already ...

Still a baby here so am not sure if those are just hook-up spots or are places to meet guys to ask out.

However there are some monthly events here that pull the adult non-commercial crowd as just gay gatherings .. fun fun!

Will start checking out cultural stuff soon!