The Secret To A Thai Womens Family (The In-Laws)...

[David48]

My contribution to the thread is that a lot of angst from my relationship with the gf has come from developing a respect from the Family ... her parents. It doesn't matter so much if they actually like you .. or not ... the key is that they respect you.

Money doesn't buy you their respect ... though they will like you for it.

Not so long (maybe 6 months) into our (Thai gf and I) relationship, just when the 'serious' discussions were taking place ... the subject of building Ma and Pa Kettle a new Farm House.

I nearly fell off my chair ...

Why would I do that? ...

Well, the other Farang in the Village built one ...

The take-out from that was that my gf is not selfish, she wanted something good for her parents.

She didn't want to steal my money, but instead share some of it ... a touch of the Robin Hood ...

In fairness to her, the Farmhouse is slowly sinking into Mother Earth so ... a warning to all those who plan to build in Thailand ... foundations, foundations, foundations!

My secret to resolving this situation was to manage her and her family's expectations.

How do you manage those expectations?

Mileage and solutions vary so greatly, there is no universal panacea ...

The situation and expectations of our relationship has now been completely turned around and the Farm Father has offered us a small plot of land, for free (but no title) on the Family Farm on which to build a small home for ourselves.

He also declined some money to fix the roof which was damaged in a recent storm.

Where I disagree with the OP is in the concept that when our two Cultures clash, it should be our (Farang) Culture which should cede. My gf has made great steps to understand and accept my Culture without forgetting hers ... hopefully I have done likewise.

* To finish up, recently I stayed at her Farm for a couple of months ... under the same roof as her parents (sisters, nieces, nephews, dogs, cats ...), when it was time to go the Farm Father asked if I could extend my visit a little longer as there was a certain Farm Harvest he wished my to observe ... so I re-booked the ticket.

When the new date arrived ... he again asked to stay longer so that the Family could all go Camping together in a spot he wanted to share.

If you build the foundations right from day one, choose the right Lady, show the proper respect ... you are well on the way to a long and happy relationship ...

*

Personal story only. May not apply in all circumstances.

ADVICE:- Some or none may apply to you.

Mileage may vary from lady to lady and province to province.

Get the kids to like you though ... play with them a bit. Good form that.

[Bluenose BKK]

To the OP, I appreciate your efforts to explain the mystic qualities of a Thai Lady.

Certainly a unique personal view and worth sharing, though I doubt as to the it's universal application, as I'm sure we'll read in following posts ...

A point that maybe can be universally applied is the "Thai women are very close to their families" ... we can underestimate that sometimes.

And in many cases what you wrote can also apply ... "so close in fact that, if push comes to shove, they will usually choose their family over a boyfriend or husband".

.

I would choose my family over my wife or girlfriend also if push came to shove,doesn't mean I'm Thai!

[JLCrab]

With the Thai girls I know that grew up on a farm, the only way they ever want to see a chicken again is after it's been Kentucky-fried.

As to why someone would write something such as the OP, you have to have something else to do for the 6 other days you are not in church. I guess also that writing a poem just for that special family is not one of the nice things to do.

Edited March 22, 2013 by JLCrab

[endure]

Talking about dowries - two Thai brothers have been very close friends of mine for the past 20 years. They're both respectable businessmen. One of them has a son and the other a daughter. Both children are getting married this year

The son is getting married to a Thai girl whose parents own a jewellery manufactory and a spa resort. The son will be providing a one million baht sin sod to his bride's family. This is normal expected behaviour as far as they're all concerned.

The daughter is getting married to an English boy. No sin sod is being paid nor expected.

It all depends on circumstances.

[Bluenose BKK]

Talking about dowries - two Thai brothers have been very close friends of mine for the past 20 years. They're both respectable businessmen. One of them has a son and the other a daughter. Both children are getting married this year

The son is getting married to a Thai girl whose parents own a jewellery manufactory and a spa resort. The son will be providing a one million baht sin sod to his bride's family. This is normal expected behaviour as far as they're all concerned.

The daughter is getting married to an English boy. No sin sod is being paid nor expected.

It all depends on circumstances.

Do you not see a pattern emerging here...Thai pays 1 million baht sin sot,farang doesn't?

[endure]

Talking about dowries - two Thai brothers have been very close friends of mine for the past 20 years. They're both respectable businessmen. One of them has a son and the other a daughter. Both children are getting married this year

The son is getting married to a Thai girl whose parents own a jewellery manufactory and a spa resort. The son will be providing a one million baht sin sod to his bride's family. This is normal expected behaviour as far as they're all concerned.

The daughter is getting married to an English boy. No sin sod is being paid nor expected.

It all depends on circumstances.

Do you not see a pattern emerging here...Thai pays 1 million baht sin sot,farang doesn't?

No I don't. I'm pointing out that circumstances differ. What are you trying to say?

[Chittychangchang]

Thanks for sharing David48, a good contribution to the thread.

Sorry about all these empty reply boxes,going to head over to the tech forum to rectify, posting on phone now instead of pc.

[candypants]

whether you follow all the OP's advice or not I don't think anyone can disagree with the fact that it is important to have a good relationship with your OH's family . That will only make your relationship better .

agreed, but a good relationship can be built without a TV, Fortuner, or rice cooker to hand over every time you pop by.

the ops advice is only applicable to those who marry waaaaay down.

some thai folks already have a rice cooker and tv, and would be quite bemused to see some sad git rock up with one or the other as a gift.

[Chittychangchang]

Talking about dowries - two Thai brothers have been very close friends of mine for the past 20 years. They're both respectable businessmen. One of them has a son and the other a daughter. Both children are getting married this yearl

The son is getting married to a Thai girl whose parents own a jewellery manufactory and a spa resort. The son will be providing a one million baht sin sod to his bride's family. This is normal expected behaviour as far as they're all concerned.

The daughter is getting married to an English boy. No sin sod is being paid nor expected.

It all depends on circumstances.

The daughters wedding will probally be more expensive than the sons sin sod.

[Bluenose BKK]

Talking about dowries - two Thai brothers have been very close friends of mine for the past 20 years. They're both respectable businessmen. One of them has a son and the other a daughter. Both children are getting married this year

The son is getting married to a Thai girl whose parents own a jewellery manufactory and a spa resort. The son will be providing a one million baht sin sod to his bride's family. This is normal expected behaviour as far as they're all concerned.

The daughter is getting married to an English boy. No sin sod is being paid nor expected.

It all depends on circumstances.

Do you not see a pattern emerging here...Thai pays 1 million baht sin sot,farang doesn't?

No I don't. I'm pointing out that circumstances differ. What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say if you're not Thai,why on earth would you pay any sin sot?

[BEVUP]

Good post ChittyChangChang.A good basic guide,although some will tailor it a bit to suit their own beliefs.e.g I personally don't believe in dowrys,so I gave the parents some money to do their house up and make it habitable,while my wife and I were engaged,on the understanding it was a gift,and I would not be putting up a dowry when we married,and that was it, 100,000 baht was laid out at the wedding,and it all came back to me,after the guests went home.so face was saved,and so was my principles.............Compromise is a wonderful thing.

And the gift was 60,000 baht!

Similar experience

Said i wont be paying as gifted many things before ( But what i see with thais is that is the end of that matter as a gift ) so they still expect you to deal with the next situation.

Inlaws ran around for a week to come up with Sin Sod ( TO SAVE FACE ) but couldnt so i fronted the money as long as i got it back

& as mentioned Family first - So whether you gift , loan (that never seems to come back) They will just pressure Daughter to Hock something to bail them out

[MissFarmGirl]

My contribution <snip> ... blah blah ... heavily edited for the sake of brevity ... blah blah ... </snip> happy relationship ...

blah

you are perhaps one of the most obsequious posters to ever login to thai visa, but you are right in 2 respects: expectation management and a need for MUTUAL respect.

Proper selection trumps all all though, because without the right woman's support, the family can never be yours too.

few here realize it need not all be about money.

daily i chuckle at people who have missed the mark entirely when it comes to their partner.

daily i see people who have exceeded it.

interested to see where you are in 5 years, i wish you luck.

David show me your words

we both look dictionary for word 'obsequious'

I am sooooooo much, you don't know him sure 100%

for us family very important

also important for husband to be part of big family, not matter if husband is Farang or is Thai man

thank you for wish us good luck, sometime we need it

he good understanding Thai culture, Thai way to do things and he get much respect from my family

you correct when say it not all about Farang man give money

money important, but respect and love more important

OK, good luck you also

[barefoot1988]

i hope you guys are confusing between dowry and bride price. It is downright pathetic for a groom to pay for both dowry and the bride price.

[endure]

A number of off topic posts, flames and replies have been removed. If you can't be civil you're welcome to go elsewhere.

[endure]

Talking about dowries - two Thai brothers have been very close friends of mine for the past 20 years. They're both respectable businessmen. One of them has a son and the other a daughter. Both children are getting married this year

The son is getting married to a Thai girl whose parents own a jewellery manufactory and a spa resort. The son will be providing a one million baht sin sod to his bride's family. This is normal expected behaviour as far as they're all concerned.

The daughter is getting married to an English boy. No sin sod is being paid nor expected.

It all depends on circumstances.

Do you not see a pattern emerging here...Thai pays 1 million baht sin sot,farang doesn't?

No I don't. I'm pointing out that circumstances differ. What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say if you're not Thai,why on earth would you pay any sin sot?

I suppose that depends on whether you're willing to respect at least some of the customs of the woman that you intend to spend the rest of your life with or whether you think that it's your way or the highway. If that's the case good luck with your marriage.

[sms747]

utter hogwash....you can pay a dowry if you like mate but don't bang that drum on here that it is the norm....

cheers

Even though it is the norm I expect many will be boasting how they did not pay one and never give the family anything

[Scully]

Sorry to say it but it's complete tripe, college girls around our way give you their number if they like the look of you and need cash. They don't come to clean your house.

My ex in law's I never bought one gift but i had their respect because I put food on the table and cared for her daughter.

It's not all black and white, there are some bloody greedy outlaws out there.

They tell the daughter to jump they say how high, if yours isn't like this keep her.

[cycloneJ]

OP: When copying and pasting (plagiarising) another person's writing/article in its entirety, it would be at least polite to identify the source

Or are you Cassandra?

Cassandra James, August 12 2009: How to Get a Thai Girl's Family to Like You

Cassandra James

I m a British-American writer currently living in Bangkok, Thailand. I ve been writing for Associated Content since 2007 and was named one of AC s Top 100 Writers for 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011. I primarily write about travel, teaching EFL overseas, and alternative health. My work has been published in various magazines and newspapers throughout South East Asia.

Edited March 23, 2013 by cycloneJ

[FunFon]

utter hogwash....you can pay a dowry if you like mate but don't bang that drum on here that it is the norm....

cheers

-

It absolutely is the norm, but it's also true that as a foreigner you can often avoid paying it as long as you're attractive enough to those involved in the decision.

And it is sometimes even the case that that person is mostly your girl, sometimes even solely.

There is no one rule-set that fits all, so many variables.

Scoping out the family, determining their level of greed and/or need and the degree to which your girl might be willing to break out of her cultural programming, are all critical to determining the odds of you being able to create a lasting relationship that suits the needs of all involved.

It's a skill that definitely improves with experience, by the third or fourth one you'll probably know what you're doing 8-)

My personal tack is to get the girl 100% fresh off the rice farm not one word of English and a totally dirt poor family, make the deal all set in black and white, how much goes to them how much the girl will get for her personal spending and satisfy them that her future is secure as long as things continue to work well all 'round, and make it very clear I won't be taking responsibility for the well-being of the whole extended family.

And then in the first few years take a very very hard line to live up to what I said.

If things last longer than than, then I know I've got a keeper.

If not then move on to the next one, not as if there aren't more fish in that sea.

[BookMan]

utter hogwash....you can pay a dowry if you like mate but don't bang that drum on here that it is the norm....

cheers

-

It absolutely is the norm, but it's also true that as a foreigner you can often avoid paying it as long as you're attractive enough to those involved in the decision.

And it is sometimes even the case that that person is mostly your girl, sometimes even solely.

There is no one rule-set that fits all, so many variables.

Scoping out the family, determining their level of greed and/or need and the degree to which your girl might be willing to break out of her cultural programming, are all critical to determining the odds of you being able to create a lasting relationship that suits the needs of all involved.

It's a skill that definitely improves with experience, by the third or fourth one you'll probably know what you're doing 8-)

My personal tack is to get the girl 100% fresh off the rice farm not one word of English and a totally dirt poor family, make the deal all set in black and white, how much goes to them how much the girl will get for her personal spending and satisfy them that her future is secure as long as things continue to work well all 'round, and make it very clear I won't be taking responsibility for the well-being of the whole extended family.

And then in the first few years take a very very hard line to live up to what I said.

If things last longer than than, then I know I've got a keeper.

If not then move on to the next one, not as if there aren't more fish in that sea.

So, no keeper as yet?

[BookMan]

OP: When copying and pasting (plagiarising) another person's writing/article in its entirety, it would be at least polite to identify the source

Or are you Cassandra?

Cassandra James, August 12 2009: How to Get a Thai Girl's Family to Like You

Cassandra James

I m a British-American writer currently living in Bangkok, Thailand. I ve been writing for Associated Content since 2007 and was named one of AC s Top 100 Writers for 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011. I primarily write about travel, teaching EFL overseas, and alternative health. My work has been published in various magazines and newspapers throughout South East Asia.

I wonder is a check of the OPS other threads shows similar?

[robblok]

Quote - "Its like saying that all guys from the Netherlands are the same in how they think."

You mean they are not? The guys I met from Holland just wanted to get into my pants using any means necessary.

That is not a Dutch thing but a male thing

[JLCrab]

Good work, CycloneJ. The thing you most often find out about secrets is: There aren't any

[lemoncake]

Quote - "Its like saying that all guys from the Netherlands are the same in how they think."

You mean they are not? The guys I met from Holland just wanted to get into my pants using any means necessary.

That is not a Dutch thing but a male thing

Speak for your self, i never try to get into girls pants, i always try to get the pants off

[BookMan]

Quote - "Its like saying that all guys from the Netherlands are the same in how they think."

You mean they are not? The guys I met from Holland just wanted to get into my pants using any means necessary.

That is not a Dutch thing but a male thing

Speak for your self, i never try to get into girls pants, i always try to get the pants off

Well spotted!

Must be a Dutch thing.

[robblok]

Quote - "Its like saying that all guys from the Netherlands are the same in how they think."

You mean they are not? The guys I met from Holland just wanted to get into my pants using any means necessary.

That is not a Dutch thing but a male thing

Speak for your self, i never try to get into girls pants, i always try to get the pants off

Well spotted!

Must be a Dutch thing.

Come on guys you know its an expression that is used getting in a girls pants, even I as a non native speaker knows that.

[NanLaew]

OP: When copying and pasting (plagiarising) another person's writing/article in its entirety, it would be at least polite to identify the source

Or are you Cassandra?

Cassandra James, August 12 2009: How to Get a Thai Girl's Family to Like You

Cassandra James

I m a British-American writer currently living in Bangkok, Thailand. I ve been writing for Associated Content since 2007 and was named one of AC s Top 100 Writers for 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011. I primarily write about travel, teaching EFL overseas, and alternative health. My work has been published in various magazines and newspapers throughout South East Asia.

The OP is so busted! At least he got his post count up but no following in tutsiwarriors footsteps for you!

[FunFon]

Come on guys you know its an expression that is used getting in a girls pants, even I as a non native speaker knows that.

-

Taking the piss.

Not actually arguing about anything of substance, just having fun with word games.

[JLCrab]

The text in Post #1 has been copied in its (near) entirety from Miss Cassandra James 2009 Yahoo! Voices article which contains the notice:

Copyright © 2013 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. | Yahoo! Shine and Lifestyles Network.

From Forum Rule 22: Not to post any copyrighted material except as fair use laws apply (as in the case of news articles).

[BookMan]

Come on guys you know its an expression that is used getting in a girls pants, even I as a non native speaker knows that.

-

Taking the piss.

Not actually arguing about anything of substance, just having fun with word games.

yeah we know robblok..just having a joke with you