LET'S ALL POST THE CRAZIEST RULES IN GOLF! And then some that might help a newbie golfer. I'll start.

My ball is lying in a sand bunker (hazard - can't touch the ground with the clubhead). There lies an apple right behind my ball - how the heck am i gonna hit it?

Not even a freaken apple tree to be seen! In Thailand? Anyway, i get to thinken and looken - and sure enough near the bottom of that damn apple it looks like a bite mark. I pick it up and it was a bite mark. I toss it aside and hit my shot - NO PENALTY - it is now an artificial impediment because it's man made - someone chucked it there - i can remove it.

I'm in Hong Kong for some tournament and Simon Yate's brother Nick is caddying for me. I'm in a bunker again with a steep lip about 5 yards away - the ball catches the lip and rolls back into the sand. I walk forward for my second go to get the fok***r out and i look back and Nick is raking the bunker from my first attempt. That was a 2 STROKE PENALTY! He is my caddy and he tested the surface while i was in the bunker.

Sand bunker again and it has been seriously raining - my ball is under water in the bunker and there isn't a dry spot that is not sloped. Remember that is casual water and allows a free drop - but in the bunker. It keeps rolling back into the water and after several attempts i can't even place it where it landed without the same effect - rolling back in H2O.

I have actually 2 choices; Find a bunker with sand equidistant from the flag as my original lie - no penalty or call an 'unplayable shot' and proceed with a stroke penalty. Or i could have hit ot of the water if i didn't take the ball in my hand first - but hitting from water is another story where i gave a tournament in China to John Wither who is now coaching in Hua Hin.

Masters 2013. On the 15th, I hit my drive to the right and I am forced to lay up. My wedge from 87 yards ricochets of the flagstick and finds the drink. Given that the drop zone is <deleted> for all sorts of reasons, I opt to play from the same spot. To make sure I dont hit the stick again I back up 2 yards and drop there before hitting my 5th shot to within 5 feet. I sink the put and later sign my card for a 71.

Unfortunately for me, there are players aout there who has noticed my little error. In addition, since I made comments regarding young Guan and his penalty for slow play ("rules are rules", as I choose to put it), it's only fair that I am disqualified.

Yours truly

Tiger Woods