Breaking Up in Thailand

[Utley]

If someone took your rice bowl away from you, how would you act? I am not justifying the young lady's actions, only explaining them.

[cup-O-coffee]

aTomsLife, with all due respect, if I read your user name correctly, are you a woman? The reason I ask, out of respect, is that knowing your gender would make a whole world of difference here in how people respond, and in who responds. I detected no indication of your gender (forgive me if I erred in this), and so please do not be angry at my question. I would like to respond, but this is critical to the correct perspective and personal experiences based upon certain gender relationships.

[EamonJ]

Have any of you ever dated a woman here for a relatively short time, but when the relationship came to a close, she acted like you'd been together for years and now you were abandoning her?

I'm a teacher here, and have realized the Thai education system isn't a good fit for me. I broke the news to my girlfriend that I am quite adamant about returning to the U.S. to earn an M.Ed. She's flipped, and now it's whiny guilt trip after whiny guilt trip. She talks as if we're married -- or perhaps rather that I owe her marriage. (I'm 33 and she's 29)

I've known her less than ten months, the majority of that time spent as "friends" because she was unsure and kept me at a distance. In essence, it felt like I was her dirty little secret for a time, and it wore on me a lot. I never lost my interest totally, but now that she's come around, part of me feels it's too little too late, given my career aspirations.

She is ambitious herself, career advancement is everything to her. She already has a masters, and also talks of perhaps going back to school to earn a Ph.D. In essence, should she decide to, she's allowed to do the very things she's telling me are a violation of our relationship. She recently changed offices because it was a hostile work environment -- I told her, and what do you think teaching English in the average Thai school is like?

Ignoring her own hypocrisy, she has accused me of being a typical farang: I came to Thailand, started a relationship and am now returning home. I countered explaining that returning to Thailand with an M.Ed is the best thing I can do for my long-term stability here. She says I'm just another lying farang. I never in my life suffered double standards like this with women in New York.

I'm not trying to paint all Thai women with the same brush (even though my girlfriend likes to generalize about westerners when it suits her). I am, however, curious if other posters have suffered a similar fate when attempting to end a relationship here.

Was your girlfriend at the time completely unwilling to consider your perspective, and did she attempt to make it a cultural thing?

I don't agree with the generalization that all Thai women are like this it simply depends on the woman,some women would probably be glad to see the back of you and wouldn't bat an eyelid to you leaving but others will hound you to the ends of the earth and it is the same in the west.Instead of talking about culture differences and other crap that has nothing to do with the matter why not think about her feelings,at the end of the day what it really sounds like is that she loves you but you don't love her and your feeling guilty about it hence making this thread.I have been with my Thai wife for nearly 8 years and it took me a long time to see through that cultural generalization bullshit,women are women at the end if the day no matter what part of the world they come from.

[aTomsLife]

aTomsLife, with all due respect, if I read your user name correctly, are you a woman? The reason I ask, out of respect, is that knowing your gender would make a whole world of difference here in how people respond, and in who responds. I detected no indication of your gender (forgive me if I erred in this), and so please do not be angry at my question. I would like to respond, but this is critical to the correct perspective and personal experiences based upon certain gender relationships.

lol. It's a double entendre of sorts, reads: Atoms = Life, or, A Tom's Life (my life). Tom is short for Thomas. I am a man.

Edited June 20, 2013 by aTomsLife

[Baerboxer]

Most likely I'm generalizing too much but here goes.

Western society these days views "living together" sexual relationships as the norm for younger people, and people will have a lot of such before deciding to settle down and get married, usually much later than here.

In upcountry villages a boy simply touching or kissing a girl will usually be considered a violation of her and an offense against her family, punishable by a fine paid by the boy's family to the girls, using a formula based on her sin sot value as opposed to the severity of the transgression. In the case of full sex, consensual or not is irrelevant, the male will owe the full sin sot penalty, and often there will be pressure on both to marry each other, whether they want to or not is irrelevant.

Obviously many more modern urban Thais no longer think this way, but the underlying cultural perceptions and assumptions remain, not that far off from Muslim ideas from our POV.

Therefore most Thais if they even accepted the idea of pre-marital sex, would see such a relationship as a courting process that "should" lead to marriage. By living with her and then breaking it off without a good reason - she hasn't done anything wrong - many Thais would judge that you have "used" or "exploited" her unfairly, taken advantage of her even deceived her.

Unfortunately there really isn't any way to talk your way out of or through this predicament, you need to take a practical POV as to how to get out with your possessions and yourself intact. If you can do so without hurting her further, do your best but do protect yourself, don't expect calm and rational behavior.

And, take it as a compliment.

PS some may interpret this stuff as a scheming scammer trying to use manipulative emotional games and violence to try to get her way, or just being a psycho bitch or whatever. Understand that may well be the case, but it can also simply be a strong reaction to genuine emotions, don't let her behavior at this stage of the relationship cause you to question your view of her back when everything was OK, she may seem like a completely different person now, but the girl you had feelings for is still in there somewhere.

And don't feel too guilty, she'll be fine.

Excellent commentary.

Thai ladies are very different in their views and emotions than Westeners. Please do protect yourself as their tempers can be explosive, violent and very irrational. Calm discussions don't come into it. There is no such thing as middle ground - she will only see what she wants.

Sadly, many Westeners do take advantage of Thai girls, leading them along and either leaving or dropping them if things get "too serious". Often this causes enormous embarassment for the lady and her family. I know one German guy who recently met a really nice nurse, courted her and persuaded her to move in with him. She, and most of our mutual Thai friends could see wedding bells. After a few months, true to form, he kicked her out, claiming she was starting the "sick buffalo" stories. She now has an opinion of all "lying cheating farangs".

The meeting of cultures is not easy for anyone. But, also things depend on what your true feelings are for this lady.

[Espen]

Sounds like you need to move, change you phone numbers and say bye bye. I`ve seen this kind of behaviour before and it never ends well.

Better to break it off clean.

[jvs]

The thing with relations is this, the moment one person decides to break up normally the other one feels hurt.

A lot of times there are troubles for a while already but unfortunately many people wait to find another partner before the decide to break up.

I have been left behind feeling blue and i have left people alone,it is life and in the end you only have to try and make yourself happy.

If you are in a relationship and you are not happy you are not doing the partner any favors.

Follow your heart and make your own decisions,try to talk to her and if that is not possible you should know what to do.

[Baerboxer]

Have any of you ever dated a woman here for a relatively short time, but when the relationship came to a close, she acted like you'd been together for years and now you were abandoning her?

I'm a teacher here, and have realized the Thai education system isn't a good fit for me. I broke the news to my girlfriend that I am quite adamant about returning to the U.S. to earn an M.Ed. She's flipped, and now it's whiny guilt trip after whiny guilt trip. She talks as if we're married -- or perhaps rather that I owe her marriage. (I'm 33 and she's 29)

I've known her less than ten months, the majority of that time spent as "friends" because she was unsure and kept me at a distance. In essence, it felt like I was her dirty little secret for a time, and it wore on me a lot. I never lost my interest totally, but now that she's come around, part of me feels it's too little too late, given my career aspirations.

She is ambitious herself, career advancement is everything to her. She already has a masters, and also talks of perhaps going back to school to earn a Ph.D. In essence, should she decide to, she's allowed to do the very things she's telling me are a violation of our relationship. She recently changed offices because it was a hostile work environment -- I told her, and what do you think teaching English in the average Thai school is like?

Ignoring her own hypocrisy, she has accused me of being a typical farang: I came to Thailand, started a relationship and am now returning home. I countered explaining that returning to Thailand with an M.Ed is the best thing I can do for my long-term stability here. She says I'm just another lying farang. I never in my life suffered double standards like this with women in New York.

I'm not trying to paint all Thai women with the same brush (even though my girlfriend likes to generalize about westerners when it suits her). I am, however, curious if other posters have suffered a similar fate when attempting to end a relationship here.

Was your girlfriend at the time completely unwilling to consider your perspective, and did she attempt to make it a cultural thing?

I don't agree with the generalization that all Thai women are like this it simply depends on the woman,some women would probably be glad to see the back of you and wouldn't bat an eyelid to you leaving but others will hound you to the ends of the earth and it is the same in the west.Instead of talking about culture differences and other crap that has nothing to do with the matter why not think about her feelings,at the end of the day what it really sounds like is that she loves you but you don't love her and your feeling guilty about it hence making this thread.I have been with my Thai wife for nearly 8 years and it took me a long time to see through that cultural generalization bullshit,women are women at the end if the day no matter what part of the world they come from.

Nice to see a post from someone with cultural sensitivity

Of course there are no cultural differences in the world - all a myth propegated by academics and journalists to sell books.

Not understanding something does not make it bullshit. I'm sure your wife and her family really respect your view of their culture - oh of course, you don't think there's any such thing.

[Baerboxer]

Once you realise there is only rubbish to be found here you will live a much happier life believe me

This says a lot more about you than the women in this country. There are millions (literally millions upon millions) of beautiful, kind, available, hard working, women in this country. However you seem to not be able to find any of them! Odd! Or perhaps they (the millions upon millions of women) are not at all interested in you?

Not judging, just saying!

Maybe says more about where and how he is looking for and meeting ladies than anything else!

I agree with you RCT.

[monkey4u]

Thanks boosta, that was a great reply. We, however, are not living together. She would never go for that.

At present, we are still a couple. She is trying to get me to change schools. She says there are Thai schools of good quality, and that it isn't necessary to work at an international school in order to have a stable work environment. I am considering this option. As you say, she is still the woman I've cared about to this point. Nevertheless, with ASEAN around the corner, and Thailand growing leaps and bounds, an M.Ed would create much needed stability for me, before deciding to start a family here.

What happened to:"I'm a teacher here, and have realized the Thai education system isn't a good fit for me."?

I think you'll find that most schools in Thailand, whatever type, follow the same education system.

As for your original question: I guess it can be many things, but it is probably just that she likes you and doesn't want you to leave her.

Indeed, I have realized the Thai education system isn't a good fit -- what I've experienced of it. She said there are better options. I am considering seeking them before leaving. Admittedly, I am indecisive, hence my OP. If I really knew up from down right now, I wouldn't need to talk it out here. I'm in Central Thailand, all my buddies are either in BKK or CM, so Thai Visa it is.

Just marry the girl,a buddist wedding will do (no paper work ) buy her a house and give family 3 mil baht. Then she wont give a rats if you stay or leave

[Jasun]

If your plan is to return to Thailand quickly, why do you have to tell her you're even breaking up? If you're just not into her, I have a few single mates in BKK that would be perfect for this girl.

[Nocturnal1]

The transparent, boring and predicable nature of this diatribe should be a case study.

1. Why, should you have a gram of respect for this lady, would you think it appropriate sport for a sleaze-bag chat site like this? Bingo - perhaps that says heaps about you and your character and your motivations right up!;

2. Why would anyone compare a relationship with a Thai woman with one in New York? Bingo again! Because the MO of the American who partakes of point 1, is typically to compare everything to the good old US of A and assume that the ethics and culture SHOULD be the same. Now, here's a brain teaser for you - reverse the situation. Go on, try - just for once! Can you see how stupid you look?;

3. Oh, poor you. You came to Thailand because the travel agent told you that it was just like America - especially the education system apparently? Err, or are you just wilful in your ignorance or do you try hard to have a matching bookend for your lack of respect?

4. Gee now, how could a self-respecting woman have hesitated about a man of your obvious good character and calibre? And how dare she be pissed off that she is now ditched given your disenchantment with the Thai education system. Well, bugger me - sorry honey, I'm off - your education system is just not good enough. True love!;

5. Quite frankly, you would never get the impression on this site that a solid Thai-western relationship ever happened. But I'll let you into a little secret, that's because the many that do make it don't end up here seeking contrition, sympathy and the like minded comfort of guys with their guts hanging over their beer bottles is perfect harmony;

6. Look mate, stay in the USA - please! Loads of people think that you're the strange one if you can't work this one out for yourself. Go back and be happy to imaging that the rest of the 5.6 billion people in the world are strange - not you;

7. And of course, out of the teak panelled woodwork come the old fellas with their 'lock up your knives and electronics' comments - brilliant! Good one boys; maybe you picked the wrong pole dancer? Better luck next bar. Maybe you should do an M.Ed. too? Imagine that, a pissed talking horse with a masters degree! Mr Ed (M.Ed).

[baboon]

The transparent, boring and predicable nature of this diatribe should be a case study.

1. Why, should you have a gram of respect for this lady, would you think it appropriate sport for a sleaze-bag chat site like this? Bingo - perhaps that says heaps about you and your character and your motivations right up!;

2. Why would anyone compare a relationship with a Thai woman with one in New York? Bingo again! Because the MO of the American who partakes of point 1, is typically to compare everything to the good old US of A and assume that the ethics and culture SHOULD be the same. Now, here's a brain teaser for you - reverse the situation. Go on, try - just for once! Can you see how stupid you look?;

3. Oh, poor you. You came to Thailand because the travel agent told you that it was just like America - especially the education system apparently? Err, or are you just wilful in your ignorance or do you try hard to have a matching bookend for your lack of respect?

4. Gee now, how could a self-respecting woman have hesitated about a man of your obvious good character and calibre? And how dare she be pissed off that she is now ditched given your disenchantment with the Thai education system. Well, bugger me - sorry honey, I'm off - your education system is just not good enough. True love!;

5. Quite frankly, you would never get the impression on this site that a solid Thai-western relationship ever happened. But I'll let you into a little secret, that's because the many that do make it don't end up here seeking contrition, sympathy and the like minded comfort of guys with their guts hanging over their beer bottles is perfect harmony;

6. Look mate, stay in the USA - please! Loads of people think that you're the strange one if you can't work this one out for yourself. Go back and be happy to imaging that the rest of the 5.6 billion people in the world are strange - not you;

7. And of course, out of the teak panelled woodwork come the old fellas with their 'lock up your knives and electronics' comments - brilliant! Good one boys; maybe you picked the wrong pole dancer? Better luck next bar. Maybe you should do an M.Ed. too? Imagine that, a pissed talking horse with a masters degree! Mr Ed (M.Ed).

Dale Carnegie is a TV member?

[iancnx]

Nocturnal. You have in your user name an o, t, r, and l. You are missing an L.

[Baerboxer]

Apologies for generalisation in advance. no other way to give a coherent response.

Some of the comments to the OP are amazing. Same old throw away remarks about Thai girls, money, watch your back you're in danger etc. These comments just expose those posters of never really having a relationship in Thailand where (I suggest) money is not a significant factor. The OP girlfriend is educated, has a secure and respectable job and has expectations of marriage and family no doubt. She is not a bar girl, or a HiSo milking the cow.

For the OP. she kept you at arms length for a good while. This is indicative of a respectable girl who insists on a good deal of time to properly suss you out. How did you feel when she finally committed to you and presumably shared your bed? No doubt pretty good. Do you express your love for each other outside of the physical relationship? I suspect the answer is yes.

In my experience this for her means total commitment with a reasonable expectation of a long term relationship possibly leading to something permanent. The expectation here in Thai (in the circumstances you describe) is culturally far different to the Western "three dates, and on the fourth you get laid, or alternatively she refuses to you again".

Another factor not to be underestimated is she is 29. I have been advised on a number of occasions that Thai girls over the age of 25 find it significantly more difficult to date perceived perfect guys than their younger counter parts. So, not to be too insensitive, she already has a mindset that she is past her sell by date. If she is a beautiful girl it is difficult for the farang to grasp this significant point.

Hope the above helps in understanding what this relationship might mean to her; she will not give you up easily. I suspect she loves you far more than you imagine, and she may appear selfish and hypocritical in order to keep you here!

If a long term relationship is not on your horizon currently my advice is be very very clear with her, be specific ...... Much kinder that way.

I agree with most of what you eloquently say. Couple of points, based purely on my observation and experiences of 20 plus years.

Most Thais do have explosive emotional tempers. Once they loose it, it's hard for them to calm down and often they will become violent and agressive. Ending a relationship, if it is not want the lady wants could provoke this behaviour. I've seen many educated Thia ladies turn very nasty when a relationship ends. These were not ex-whores or hiso "princesses" but teachers, office workers and business owners. I've seen this behaviour in and out of Thailand.

Secondly, I have several friends who have been married to Thai ladies (again not ex-whores but from university educated middle class backgrounds) for about 10-12 years. All have divorced for the same reason - money. Most friends were relatively wealthy on marrying, and married for love. All had problems with their wives spending habits, refusals to talk about budgets and where money was being spent and constant badgering to buy property and land in Thailand. Thai ladies have expectations of marriage and marriage to farangs. It's wise to find out what these are because they do, in many cases, differ from Western views.

[johnlandy]

Thanks boosta, that was a great reply. We, however, are not living together. She would never go for that.

At present, we are still a couple. She is trying to get me to change schools. She says there are Thai schools of good quality, and that it isn't necessary to work at an international school in order to have a stable work environment. I am considering this option. As you say, she is still the woman I've cared about to this point. Nevertheless, with ASEAN around the corner, and Thailand growing leaps and bounds, an M.Ed would create much needed stability for me, before deciding to start a family here.

What happened to:"I'm a teacher here, and have realized the Thai education system isn't a good fit for me."?

I think you'll find that most schools in Thailand, whatever type, follow the same education system.

As for your original question: I guess it can be many things, but it is probably just that she likes you and doesn't want you to leave her.

And the last thing is that she does not want to lose is FACE She probably got the wedding invitations printed already

A Thai women (any Thai for that matter) is dangerous in the extreme.

If you do tell her that you have to go (leave the realm) giver her flight details including a date that is 3-4 days after your actual confirmed departure.

The fact that she has (supposedly) a masters here don't mean shyt, it wouldn't even be the equivalent of college certificate in the US 'or anywhere else'

[abrahamzvi]

Quite frankly I don't really understand you. If you intend going to the Us to get your M.Ed. (which is commendable and I would really recoomend you to do this), but you still wish to continue your relation with your girlfriend, what is the big problem??? With her educational background, she can try and get her P.hD. in the US (may be even at the same university), or alternatively let her stay in Thailand and see each other few times and correspond often . After all, many couples do this for a year or so and your M.Ed. course should not take you longer than 12-15 months.

Be frank with yourself and with your girl friend. If going away is an excuse for parting company, say so, even if it is painful for both of you. However, if you are not sure, which seems to be the case, discuss it with her in all openess and see how you both feel in few months after going away. I did the same some 25 years ago, decided that I really wanted a long lasting relationship and got married. We have lived happily ever since, part of the time overseas in my home country and for the last few years we have been living here in Thailand.

All I am trying to convey to you, be open and frank with yourself and your girlfriend. Frankmess always pays. Honesty (even with oneself) IS THE BEST POLICY!

Good luck!

Thanks boosta, that was a great reply. We, however, are not living together. She would never go for that.

At present, we are still a couple. She is trying to get me to change schools. She says there are Thai schools of good quality, and that it isn't necessary to work at an international school in order to have a stable work environment. I am considering this option. As you say, she is still the woman I've cared about to this point. Nevertheless, with ASEAN around the corner, and Thailand growing leaps and bounds, an M.Ed would create much needed stability for me, before deciding to start a family here.

[aTomsLife]

The transparent, boring and predicable nature of this diatribe should be a case study.

1. Why, should you have a gram of respect for this lady, would you think it appropriate sport for a sleaze-bag chat site like this? Bingo - perhaps that says heaps about you and your character and your motivations right up!;

2. Why would anyone compare a relationship with a Thai woman with one in New York? Bingo again! Because the MO of the American who partakes of point 1, is typically to compare everything to the good old US of A and assume that the ethics and culture SHOULD be the same. Now, here's a brain teaser for you - reverse the situation. Go on, try - just for once! Can you see how stupid you look?;

3. Oh, poor you. You came to Thailand because the travel agent told you that it was just like America - especially the education system apparently? Err, or are you just wilful in your ignorance or do you try hard to have a matching bookend for your lack of respect?

4. Gee now, how could a self-respecting woman have hesitated about a man of your obvious good character and calibre? And how dare she be pissed off that she is now ditched given your disenchantment with the Thai education system. Well, bugger me - sorry honey, I'm off - your education system is just not good enough. True love!;

5. Quite frankly, you would never get the impression on this site that a solid Thai-western relationship ever happened. But I'll let you into a little secret, that's because the many that do make it don't end up here seeking contrition, sympathy and the like minded comfort of guys with their guts hanging over their beer bottles is perfect harmony;

6. Look mate, stay in the USA - please! Loads of people think that you're the strange one if you can't work this one out for yourself. Go back and be happy to imaging that the rest of the 5.6 billion people in the world are strange - not you;

7. And of course, out of the teak panelled woodwork come the old fellas with their 'lock up your knives and electronics' comments - brilliant! Good one boys; maybe you picked the wrong pole dancer? Better luck next bar. Maybe you should do an M.Ed. too? Imagine that, a pissed talking horse with a masters degree! Mr Ed (M.Ed).

[SCARLETIBIS1]

Ah, another one bites the dust. First of all, my condolences to the gentleman in question. What most farongs who visit Thailand for the first time or maybe the second or third time if they are slow learners is that Thai women like Thailand in general is an illusion. They are not at all what they either pretend to be or appear to be.

Frankly, after you eliminate all the lesbians, the dikies, the transsesxuals, the married ones pretending to be single, the single ones with boyfriends pretending to be single, the single ones pretending to be looking for a bf, the old and ugly ones you ain't got a whole lot left in good old Thailand to begin with. And the number goes down even more when one eliminates the bar girl or prostitute. (Whoops, there is no prostitution in Thailand so thus there cannot be prostitutes).

I also think that any male looking to find a gf or wife in Thailand MUST be required to read at least one book on the subject, "Bangkok Dancer" or some other relevant book on the subject matter.

Let us not pretend that all those 60 or 70 old, ugly, fat, wrinkly 'farongs' walking around with all those exotic looking, freshly baked 20 and 30 year old chics with spray painted pants on are in love with their "bf".

Breaking up with any of the above is an oxymoron as they weren't interested in you in the first place. There is nothing to break up there, period.

What Thai women want as do all women is security. Western women also want love for the most part. Thai women have never heard of the word. As a matter of fact, I do not think it is even in a Thai dictionary.

In my view there should be no problem breaking up with a Thai woman. They are interested only in having you pay the rent, pay for the motorbike, pay for the food, pay for the medical, and pay for the clothes and other living essentials. If you do that you are considered the boyfriend or in some ridiculous cases the husband if one is stupid enough to fall in that trap. (Certain exceptions apply, I am sure but haven't seen any yet).

Once you reneg on any of the above you are still the bf until they have found a replacement.

I had a gf once for a year. She went to Bangkok to work in a 5 star hotel in Bangkok for the Christmas season. After one week some farong wanted to marry her and to show his new found love he bought her a brand new Fino. I got dumped. Surprisingly, the guy left and dumped her. She was devastated but she cried her eyes out until I forgave her. (At least she got the Fino). We dated for 3 more years, with me paying for eveything, until the guy came back and decided to marry her after all. I had no knowledge they had kept in touch. She lied about the guy even at the end and told me it was not the same guy but I found out he was the same guy.

Lying for a Thai girl is like taking a pea first thing in the morning. We do it without thinking. It comes naturally for them. And one would do well to recognize they don't even like us. They despise us for the most part as do all Thais.

We are arrogant scum. (Quite a lot of the farongs are of course since scum usually goes where one can find other scum).

We are nothing more than ATM machines to these girls. And whoever has the biggest ATM machine wins. And when you want to break up with them they only pissed at you because they haven't found the replacement yet.

There are obviously disgusting farongs out there who abuse the women. Why a woman would stay with one is beyone me. So I am not talking about them but for the most part a farong who has a gf usually pays the freight. They are all better off than when they met you. But for some reason, they accuse us of being cheap.

For some reason, a lot of us feel sorry for these girls but the reality is they don't give a spit about us only our money.

My advice to this guy is to hire a bodyguard before the gf's relatives hack his PHd in half.

Edited June 20, 2013 by SCARLETIBIS1

[abrahamzvi]

Quite frankly, I don't think you know what you are talking about. A degree from Chula, Tammassat, KKC, CMU and other state universities in Thailand, are just as good as ones in the US , the UK or others. Such degrees are recognized worldwide. May I remind you that Chula is one of the best universities in the world (among the 100!!) So, please be careful with your judgement and don't be disrespectful!

Thanks boosta, that was a great reply. We, however, are not living together. She would never go for that.

At present, we are still a couple. She is trying to get me to change schools. She says there are Thai schools of good quality, and that it isn't necessary to work at an international school in order to have a stable work environment. I am considering this option. As you say, she is still the woman I've cared about to this point. Nevertheless, with ASEAN around the corner, and Thailand growing leaps and bounds, an M.Ed would create much needed stability for me, before deciding to start a family here.

What happened to:"I'm a teacher here, and have realized the Thai education system isn't a good fit for me."?

I think you'll find that most schools in Thailand, whatever type, follow the same education system.

As for your original question: I guess it can be many things, but it is probably just that she likes you and doesn't want you to leave her.

And the last thing is that she does not want to lose is FACE She probably got the wedding invitations printed already

A Thai women (any Thai for that matter) is dangerous in the extreme.

If you do tell her that you have to go (leave the realm) giver her flight details including a date that is 3-4 days after your actual confirmed departure.

The fact that she has (supposedly) a masters here don't mean shyt, it wouldn't even be the equivalent of college certificate in the US 'or anywhere else'

[aTomsLife]

Quite frankly I don't really understand you. If you intend going to the Us to get your M.Ed. (which is commendable and I would really recoomend you to do this), but you still wish to continue your relation with your girlfriend, what is the big problem??? With her educational background, she can try and get her P.hD. in the US (may be even at the same university), or alternatively let her stay in Thailand and see each other few times and correspond often . After all, many couples do this for a year or so and your M.Ed. course should not take you longer than 12-15 months.

Be frank with yourself and with your girl friend. If going away is an excuse for parting company, say so, even if it is painful for both of you. However, if you are not sure, which seems to be the case, discuss it with her in all openess and see how you both feel in few months after going away. I did the same some 25 years ago, decided that I really wanted a long lasting relationship and got married. We have lived happily ever since, part of the time overseas in my home country and for the last few years we have been living here in Thailand.

All I am trying to convey to you, be open and frank with yourself and your girlfriend. Frankmess always pays. Honesty (even with oneself) IS THE BEST POLICY!

Good luck!

I don't fully understand myself at the moment, either, so I came here for a chat.

I've tried to talk things out with her calmly and rationally, suggested that we could perhaps try and make it work from afar. When progress seems to have been made, she'll have a mood swing and start in with another guilt trip. Frankly, since I've met her, it's always been all about her. This is just another example of how she seems incapable of putting my needs parallel to her own. On paper she is a great catch on many levels, but when she doesn't get her way, her reasoning becomes like that of a spoiled brat.

Edited June 20, 2013 by aTomsLife

[abrahamzvi]

See my reply above and see how wrong you are. I do know of many happy Thai/European marriages, both here and

overseas. You may have been unlucky, but the same could have happened to you with a European woman!

Ah, another one bites the dust. First of all, my condolences to the gentleman in question. What most farongs who visit Thailand for the first time or maybe the second or third time if they are slow learners is that Thai women like Thailand in general is an illusion. They are not at all what they either pretend to be or appear to be.

Frankly, after you eliminate all the lesbians, the dikies, the transsesxuals, the married ones pretending to be single, the single ones with boyfriends pretending to be single, the single ones pretending to be looking for a bf, the old and ugly ones you ain't got a whole lot left in good old Thailand to begin with. And the number goes down even more when one eliminates the bar girl or prostitute. (Whoops, there is no prostitution in Thailand so thus there cannot be prostitutes).

I also think that any male looking to find a gf or wife in Thailand MUST be required to read at least one book on the subject, "Bangkok Dancer" or some other relevant book on the subject matter.

Let us not pretend that all those 60 or 70 old, ugly, fat, wrinkly 'farongs' walking around with all those exotic looking, freshly baked 20 and 30 year old chics with spray painted pants on are in love with their "bf".

Breaking up with any of the above is an oxymoron as they weren't interested in you in the first place. There is nothing to break up there, period.

What Thai women want as do all women is security. Western women also want love for most part. Thai women have never heard of the word. As a matter of fact, I do not think it is even in a Thai dictionary.

In my view there should be no problem breaking up with a Thai woman. They are interested only in having you pay the rent, pay for the motorbike, pay for the food, pay for the medical, and pay for the clothes and other living essentials. If you do that you are considered the boyfriend or in some ridiculous cases the husband if one is stupid enough to fall in that trap. (Certain exceptions apply, I am sure but haven't seen any yet).

Once you reneg on any of the above you are still the bf until they have found a replacement.

I had a gf once for a year. She went to Bangkok to work in a 5 star hotel in Bangkok for the Christmas season. After one week some farong wanted to marry her and to show his new found love he bought her a brand new Fino. I got dumped. Surprisingly, the guy left and dumped her. She was devastated but she cried her eyes out until I forgave her. (At least she got the Fino). We dated for 3 more years until the guy came back and decided to marry her after all. I had no knowledge they had kept in touch.

We are nothing more than ATM machines to these girls. And whoever has the biggest ATM machine wins. And when you want to break up with them they only pissed at you because they haven't found the replacement yet.

There are obviously disgusting farongs out there who abuse the women. Why a woman would stay with one is beyone me. So I am not talking about them but for the most part a farong who has a gf usually pays the freight. They are all better off than when they met you. But for some reason, they accuse us of being cheap.

For some reason, a lot of us feel sorry for these girls but the reality is they don't give a spit about us only our money.

My advice to this guy is to hire a bodyguard before the gf's relatives hack his PHd in half.

[charlieboz]

Hey OP; I don't think you have gone into the relationship with the wrong intentions but I think maybe you have confused some of your gf's actions and that might have created some barriers between yourselves. When you said that she kept the relationship hidden for a while that is, from what I have seen, pretty common with thai girls who are dating farangs. From what I have been told, by ex's and thai girls that I am friends with, a lot of thai guys will not date a girl if they know she has been dating a farang. They are basically seen as spoiled goods. I have even heard thai guys talking about this. I think she just wanted to make sure about you first before she let the world know, which is not a bad thing. This is in relation to middle class thai girls who hold normal jobs.

The behaviour part (when you talked of leaving) is also pretty common from what I have seen. Not all thai girls do it but enough do it so that I think they are not thought of as weird by their friends from acting that way. You can argue until you are blue in the face about her being hypocritical and one sided, it does not matter. It is what she feels not what the reality/truth of the matter is and that is all that matters to her.

It sounds like her own insecurities are causing the 'you are like all farangs' comments I think. No matter how much they love us a lof of thai girls I have seen still think that we think they are all prostitutes/poor village girls/think less of them than we would girls back in our own country. It actually caused the break-up of my last relationship; got sick of being told I was racist/looking down on her in simple arguments when she would over-react to minor things because in her head she thought I was coming into the argument from a completely different perspective to what I was. I got to the point where I realised I was hitting my head against a wall and why stay in a relationship for that?

All in all I think you should go and get your degree; if you love her ask her to wait, if too much has been said/done during this time that you can no longer see yourself being with her the rest of your life than that is understandable as well (cause that is why I walked away from my ex!). What happens in 10 years if the thai government does not want teachers without degree's and raises the bar to work her? You will be 43 years old and trying to start again. And why would you work in a government school for 35-45k TBH a month when you can get your degree and earn double that in a top international school, if not more? Good luck to you

[charlieboz]

Also I thought this was funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Edited June 20, 2013 by charlieboz

[ppmacready]

Only EVER need to ask yourself two questions-

Am I happy?

Can I afford her?

[BookMan]

VF wrote "I think she is right about you", and then proceeded to make snap judgements about my life. So don't tell me his reply wasn't generated specifically at me. Everyone just loves to agree with him... I know VF's status here, he could post about his bowel movements and probably still get a few likes...

Seems a bit harsh...and clearly untrue. If so, VF should have well over 5000 Likes by now.

[yoslim]

Once you realise there is only rubbish to be found here you will live a much happier life believe me

My experience is different.

I'm sure your bait is good ... thought of changing your fishing hole?

.

So where do I find :

-smart

-non materialistc

- young and pretty

- no babies and doesn't want them

- no family take care on my part

- doesn't want to marry

I'm not going to waste time and energy on a pipe dream

[song0674]

If you want PM me, more than happy to share my war stories.

End of the day it comes to a few factors which got yourself into this predicament, in my opinion:

1. As iancnx said she’s over 25 years. Never date any thai girl nearing her 30’s unless you know the day you meet her you want to marry her. I know it’s impossible right? But that’s the decision Thai women in their late 20’s want from you. If you pursue her a Thai women over 25 years, she expects you’re pursuing her for marriage. This is the cardinal and most important rule of dating Thai women –never forget it!
2. Avoid any Thai women over 25 yrs who never had a boyfriend. Even the ones who had a few bf’s can turn out to be bunny-boilers. If I met a girl who never a had a bf (and is over 25 yr) – I’d run for the hills. It shows she’s extremely picky, everything has to be ‘perfect’ and she will be a high maintenance gf for sure.
3. Don’t let her stay at your place too often. Once she’s sleeping over at your place and leaving her stuff around – you’re in for a hard time if you want to break up
4. Make it clear from the start you want nothing serious – despite if you’re looking for a committed relationship. Thai women don’t understand this concept of “taking each day as it comes”. You either in it for marriage (not even a just serious relationship) or you’re a playboy. There is none of this, if we like each other maybe it can lead somewhere….it’s a foreign concept to them
5. Be extremely careful with ‘good girls’ who exhibit traits of fussiness. You should look at how they dress, shop for clothes and order food. If they are so damn careful with choosing and buying a dress – you think they’re not going through even more overly complicated thought process when choosing a prospective partner?

Don’t me wrong, these are not rules in manipulating Thai woman. This is what I learnt from my experiences when I’m looking for a committed relationship, but not necessary looking marry my next gf. How the hell am I meant to know if I want to marry someone after only knowing them for 6-12 months???

So you just avoid certain types of women because they come with too much baggage and too many hidden agendas. From my experience I either say I’m not looking a gf upfront or I already have a gf (even if I don’t have a gf). That already screens out any potential bunny-boilers and the girls who are ok with that, I can take my time and see what they are really like…

Consider yourself extremely lucky you have a one-way ticket out to a country where Thai citizens need a visa. I had to break up will ex-gf’s and still live in BKK. I’ve been left with battle scars, suffered from post-traumatic disorder and have the fear of God whenever I date Thai women.

Hell hath no fury like a (thai) woman scorned!

[SOTIRIOS]

...you owe her nothing......leave no losse ends or connections and get away from that blooddsucker as fast as you can......

....or she will find a way to lie cheat or slander...to ruin your life....and get everything she can from you........

....hiring thugs.....fabricating situations and scenarios.......watch out, buddy.......no joke........

[xenophon]

You mentioned that you felt like her dirty little secret at first.

How public did your relationship and, importantly, your break up become? If it was public, she would have implied or given expectations to friends and family about the future of the relationship.

You, being a logical, culturally uninformed falang, have brought all this tumbling down with great loss of face. Now, given that, in a face-based culture, one must never be wrong or embarrassed, the explanation she now has to give is that you are a no-good "typical falang ... blah blah blah". INterestingly, her friends and family will support her in this, even if they do not believe her. So, case closed ... from a cultural point of view. She can move on.

My experience is that women like her usually land on their feet. The challenge for you is to not take her face saving behavior too seriously, unless she threatens to have you killed. Oh, and get yourself an intercultural education, e.g. read Trompenaars' stuff or others. (Avoid the drunken ramblings of expat would be writers) And you also move on.