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Guest endure

I hope I'm not going to ruffle any feathers here but I've noticed that a lot of you folks have a sort of "shopping list" of things to look for in a possible bf. This list seems to revolve around abilities, resources and competencies. e.g must have a university degree, must be able to speak English, must be financially independent etc. I may be wrong (I often am) but I don't recall ever having seen a list of equivalent emotional requirements - must be able to make me laugh when I'm down, must have the ability to laugh at himself, must be able to understand the differences between our ways of thinking, must be nam jai/jai dee. Is it because these emotional requirements are self evident or are they not as important? I have to admit that I'd take an illiterate, poor as a church mouse, bar boy who can make me laugh over a highly educated aloof hiso any day of the week.

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I have noticed this as well, but chalked it down to a western culture bias where it is said "no car, no apartment, no job, then no date".

No wonder there are so many lies or misleading responses regarding these issues when westerners "get to know" Thais. (Yes I know it is a generality)

I have always been one to look for the qualities endure enumerates that are not :success markers", but in doing that over the years, I have been involved with more than my share of disfunctional youths.

The conventional wisdom is to seek out those who are most like you in most areas. I find such people of no appeal to me. Unfortunately, opposites attract in my case, shorter, cuter, better body, humorous, sweeter, more heart, kinder, more helpful, more family oriented, more devoted, more giving, more thoughtful, more athletic, more passive and the list goes on with the qualities possessed by my Thai.

I didn't go shopping for these qualities but they are the qualities that keep me attached to him.

So much of the politically correct gay b/f talk in the West points to finding an "equal". Sorry, I don't want to sacrifice the wonderful qualities in a partner enumerated above in exchange for a learned world political prowess, financial strength, demanding power job, or graduate education. Each quality you can name in the "politically correct" list of desireable gay mate attributes enumerated above come at a cost or "trade off" in the qualities I desire in a mate, unfortunately. For those who profess to have found both lists of qualities in one individual, have a long way to go on credibility with me.

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Guest endure
The conventional wisdom is to seek out those who are most like you in most areas.

What you say is true but I wonder why it's become so. What's the point of finding someone who's so like (generic) you that you're like peas in a pod? Surely that leads to a life of mirrored boredom? Isn't life all about searching for difference? For people that engage your curiousity?

As I've said elsewhere on TV the main thing that attracted me to Thailand on my first visit was the sense of the surreal in many of the things that I saw that were obviously accepted as everyday occurences by the Thais. If Thailand had been like England there'd have been no point in going back after my first visit. Ditto Thai bfs. On a regular basis my bf pulls observations/insights into humanity out of his top hat that would never have occured to farang me in a million years.

The best thing I EVER did was book that package holiday in 1992 :o

Edited by endure
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I have similar experiences to you both. I find myself attracted to people who are very different from myself- usually completely different body type, personality type, etc., etc. I think it helps keep the couple well-rounded. Too much intellectualism or too much practicality or too much emotionalism or too much of anything is probably unhealthy in a couple.

I still kind of insist on a minimum work ethic, though.... I wouldn't expect someone to have car, apartment, engineering position, etc., but if they weren't willing to work at a semi-normal job (if only home-making) at least a few days a week, I wouldn't make any long-term commitment. Free spirits are one thing, freeloaders quite another.

"Steven"

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My last classified personal ad for a woman included this requirement: "She must be doing well with what she's been given." Especially since the ad was aimed at women over 35 or 40, it meant that each of us should be able to show that we've accompolished something in the last twenty years. Did we try to get more education, did we prove our endurance by staying at some tough jobs, did we have lasting relationships, etc.? Did we show what our priorities are, and did we devote ourselves to those priorities?

Sometimes, failed relationships occur because one or both partners failed to develop themselves, or the relationship.

"The times I've been mistaken, it's impossible to say."

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I have similar experiences to you both. I find myself attracted to people who are very different from myself- usually completely different body type, personality type, etc., etc. I think it helps keep the couple well-rounded. Too much intellectualism or too much practicality or too much emotionalism or too much of anything is probably unhealthy in a couple.

I still kind of insist on a minimum work ethic, though.... I wouldn't expect someone to have car, apartment, engineering position, etc., but if they weren't willing to work at a semi-normal job (if only home-making) at least a few days a week, I wouldn't make any long-term commitment. Free spirits are one thing, freeloaders quite another.

"Steven"

After 18 years in Thailand, I think I can say you have touched on the single most important attribute..."work ethic" in identifying a Thai partner. I've met more than my share of well-educated, hiso Thais whose personal character didn't hold a candle to some others from much more modest backgrounds.

A Thai who knows the importance of diligence, either at school or in the workplace is to be desired. Forget about equality.....there is too much of an educational and cultural gap between Thais and foreigners. Too many farang try to be Dr. Doolittle....once you give up the idea of making a silk purse out of a sow's ear, you'll relax and be much happier with your Thai partner.

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I've also found that I'm attracted to "the opposite" of me, in many ways.. and someone more "edgy", less mainstream, in order to hold my interest..! I know some of my friends think I'm losing my mind by doing this.. but it works for me. I look back on the past 3 ex-bf's and they've ALL been miles away from "mainstream".. (and those friends of mine in LOS reading this can attest to my present bf in that respect too... :o

On a regular basis my bf pulls observations/insights into humanity out of his top hat that would never have occured to farang me in a million years.

And for me too, this is a truly wonderful thing about Thai culture...

Chris P.

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EEEEK! got to admit i have a checklist stating how my partner must be !

and funnily enough, yes. my partner MUST have at least a degree or two, be eloquent and financially independent. he must at least be an executive. i do not date service workers/blue collared types. call me a snob. but i am honest.

i want a partner who is most like me so that we can communicate well with each other. we must like the same things and do things together. somebody to spend long hours at the national gallery and admire works of the old masters. somebody to watch art house flicks and discuss the films afterwards. somebody who will partake in brunchtime banter with the boys and fit in.

dated a FEW thai boys before and even though we were roughly the same age, we had nothing in common. there was nothing to talk about, no intelligent conversations. i got exasperated and they got bewildered. the boys i dated, though VERY attractive, had absolutely no plans for the future, no savings, no insurance and spend what little money they have on stupid things.

and there i was maybe a few months older/younger than they are, trying my best to balance my chequebook, worry about rent and settling my bills!!! the mai pen rai, jai yen yen attitude finally got to me. and i snapped. not pretty. not long after that: BAM! we broke up!

then i used to date guys much much richer than i am.and they were the most banal people ive met. i wont go into details.

opposites might attract but in my case, they repel more than they attract.

anyway, on the flip side of the coin,i personally KNOW some white guys who find modern,urban, successful asian guys intimidating. they have told me they prefer somebody docile and sweet, somebody they can "groom" and "teach". they want somebody "exotic". hey! to each his own, no?

in fact , all my successful thai friends have told me that many farang in BKK find them "scary".

they call me a banana, "yellow inside and white outside" . hate that term. but little do they know, im all asian....ish

Edited by boybrat
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ugh got disconnected. stupid pc. where was i?

o yes.

i know im opening a can of worms here, here goes:

regarding not being attracted to somebody successful, good looking, well educated, your equal, etc, etc. is it a case of "dont want" or is it a case of "cant get" (ie sour grapes?)

trust me, ive met many sour grapes before. too many to count. TOO MANY. how many? TOO MANY!!!!!

:o))

Edited by boybrat
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I hope I'm not going to ruffle any feathers here but I've noticed that a lot of you folks have a sort of "shopping list" of things to look for in a possible bf. This list seems to revolve around abilities, resources and competencies. e.g must have a university degree, must be able to speak English, must be financially independent etc. I may be wrong (I often am) but I don't recall ever having seen a list of equivalent emotional requirements - must be able to make me laugh when I'm down, must have the ability to laugh at himself, must be able to understand the differences between our ways of thinking, must be nam jai/jai dee. Is it because these emotional requirements are self evident or are they not as important? I have to admit that I'd take an illiterate, poor as a church mouse, bar boy who can make me laugh over a highly educated aloof hiso any day of the week.

Very well, observed, Endure......... and I do think you're right that the emotional elements generally don't get mentioned. In posts, e-mails and conversation on the subject I've mostly concentrated on let's call it the "practical" resources in a bf-to-be - e.g. earns enough to support himself etc. A key reason for that (in my case) is that I just don't want a situation where my bf depends on me to support him financially - not because I'm a tightwad but because I want/need to know that he's with me because of me as a person and not because of the material things that come with me. Taken to its ultimate, that means that he can always afford to leave if our relationship breaks down.

More to the point, I look for an independent mind to go with the non-dependent status - where we are as near equal as our situation allows. Of course, I recognise there are many shades of grey in this and I may well find myself exploring a lot more of them as I settle into the differences and complexities of LOS living....... and I accept that I could find myself agreeing more with Rampage about Thai/farang equality later on than I do now. :o

After the age of 30 (a couple of decades ago), my partners have been younger than me - whether by a little or a lot. I couldn't care less about the university degree (I don't have one), but a combination of intelligence and curiousity has to be high on my list - together with a readiness to exchange views and argue the toss. I want to learn from him as much as I'd like him to learn from me. For me, that (because of our differences) is a major part of what we both bring to our party.

And, yes, as I didn't mention - I want us to be fun for each other as well as caring..... ready to help each other though the inevitable bad times as well as enjoy the good.

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ugh got disconnected. stupid pc. where was i?

o yes.

i know im opening a can of worms here, here goes:

regarding not being attracted to somebody successful, good looking, well educated, your equal, etc, etc. is it a case of "dont want" or is it a case of "cant get" (ie sour grapes?)

trust me, ive met many sour grapes before. too many to count. TOO MANY. how many? TOO MANY!!!!!

:o))

Well, you opened the can of worms, so here goes:

You've said before here that you're "only" a teacher. Therefore, by your own admission, any executive who has the same expectations about dating that you do (i.e. "only" date someone who is an executive at least) wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole. If you give any credibility to your own system of values, why would you expect any executive to be willing to date you at all? Why not look for teachers, your "equals?" Wouldn't something be wrong with any executive willing to date you, by your own system of values?

I *do* find a large number of "successful" (loaded word, there) Thais scary- mainly because they have often grown up in environments completely devoid of consequences, leading to serious twisting of their personalities. Then there's that banality which you yourself mention in many rich, materialistic people.

I agree with you that there are many silly Thais on the scene with the characteristics you describe- no planning, no intellectual interests, spend their money on silly things, etc. However, there are plenty of Thais *off* the scene who are better in these ways and many more.

So far, I've found Thais in almost every economic level that were interested in me- and so have most of my foreign friends here, no matter how old or how astereotypical in their body style. I've seen relationships succeed and fail in all of these cases. I agree with one of my best friends here in saying that you can find just about any kind of relationship you want. So I disagree that those who are with certain types of people here are simply into "sour grapes," unless they keep themselves remarkably isolated. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how disfunctional it may appear on the surface, almost every foreigner in Thailand is with their partner because that is the type of partner they really want to be with, at least subconsciously. Chris, Endure, and Steve2UK show great self-awareness in their posts on this matter.

And how would I define my "equal," anyway? There are so many factors- economic, physical, psychological, academic... is the fact that I'm over 30 offset by my relatively high income? If I'm chubby and the other guy likes it does that mean I can be more of a jerk? If the other guy is pretty and young does that make up for having a 7th grade education?

"Steven"

P.S. but I still wwwuuuuuuv you, boybrat! :D

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Naughty little Steven, trying to be logical about romance! Trying to get rid of double standards! Expecting us to have the same checklist as our potential candidates! Or was that boybrat?

I still like my main standard about their track record, in which I've done all right, myself: "...is doing well with what he's been given." My current boyfriend was given very little. Poverty, inadequate education, a bad father, etc. He overcame those hurdles to become a career supervisor in the hotel industry. Now, he'll never be GM of a big four-star hotel; for that you have to have a uni degree, better looks, and a track record that few people can achieve if they started in a bamboo hut. His salary may never be 10,000 per month, but that doesn't matter so much.

Oh, Steven, what's so terrible about being a TEACHER? :o Don't the middle class Thais adore their ajarns? Don't their parents say, "Respect your teachers, but marry an executive?"

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I hope I'm not going to ruffle any feathers here but I've noticed that a lot of you folks have a sort of "shopping list" of things to look for in a possible bf. This list seems to revolve around abilities, resources and competencies. e.g must have a university degree, must be able to speak English, must be financially independent etc. I may be wrong (I often am) but I don't recall ever having seen a list of equivalent emotional requirements - must be able to make me laugh when I'm down, must have the ability to laugh at himself, must be able to understand the differences between our ways of thinking, must be nam jai/jai dee. Is it because these emotional requirements are self evident or are they not as important? I have to admit that I'd take an illiterate, poor as a church mouse, bar boy who can make me laugh over a highly educated aloof hiso any day of the week.

Can I pass on Both and go for a guy that has his own skills friends life mature outlook job etc etc etc AND makes me smile? Why settle?

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OK ...

my thoughts ....

My first rule to friends here is and always has been ..... "Don't date someone here that you wouldn't have dated at home"

If that means you'd date someone that is underemployed .... that you could likely never in the duration of your relationship have a meaningful intellectual relationship etc .... Then by all means do it!

I know guys that do that and it works for them. The run a succession of STR's from 1 week to 6 months or so ... then realize that the cute guy across the bar offers the possibility of just the same or more ... AND is new meat :o After all there's always another guy that is underemployed and you can't talk with etc etc etc

I'd not have much to do at all with someone that even THINKS Prada .... and I don't care if my partner is an Engineer or a Entrepreneur ... or even a laborer .... but hel_l ... if you want an intelligent conversation in English or Thai ... you are gonna end up with an intelligent guy. (( and for me that includes a well-read and educated man))

No pretentious guys ... no guys that hang at bars all the time ... no guys that haven't lived in the real world ...

It's kinda silly to associate a guy with a job and an education with being Hi-so and Vapid ... it's also funny to watch people WANT to be Hi-so and Vapid :D

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:D Endure..could not have said it better....the surreal nature of thai culture to us as westerners is like peeling off layers of an onion for me daily with Sam...in fact he is poetry in motion to watch if I am not being too over the top..he moves with an amazing grace ( no reference to the western bible song ) but it is his connection with the soil and the culture that blows me away daily..never had the opportunity to observe this within my own culture..time is always an interesting oriental concept, we are slaves to clocks and watches, a bore...time is not linear withing eastern cultures as it is in ours but more circular in nature...I like it lots...and PB, am with you, no laffs and then it aint much of a happy relationship regardless of the obvious cultural differences of finance, education, status etc...one person will never fulfill all of ones needs so those that are being satisfied for me in the relationship are more important and enable us to have a decent life together...if I need to talk about Early Coptic Art in Abyssina, I am sure you, PB, will have some spin on it, as regards Sam, well I dont think he would get it...besides our intimacy keeps growing and evolving each day on levels not at all related to western cultural stuff... :o dukkha
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fabulous news! ijwt!!! ive quit teaching!! am now a journalist! its something ive planned for a long long time!!! now a media whore with big hair, long nails and a houndstooth suit with chanel buttons! yay!

anyway why did i open that wormy can?WELL! ive met a quite a lot of farang men who have tried to date me out, tried to get to know me, tried to slip their hands into my pants on the dancefloor, etc. i turned them all down, cos they are simply not people i found attractive. and trust me, i was polite when i rejected their offers and advances.

what did they do next?

they started talking shit about me! u know, they said things like:

she thinks shes so pretty, who does she think she is, boys like that are a dime a dozen, the flipping whore, hate her! etc etc etc.

then they will end up with somebody...else....you know what i mean.

have had this happened to me SO many times, its not funny! i know from personal experience! haha!

btw, ijwt, boybrat wuvvs u too.*puts on best demuse asian boys act, pouts lips and bats lashes*

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Congrats, BB- but still not really the same as being an "executive," is it? And for my money I'd rather be a teacher- did some news work back in another life but I like what I do now more.

I do agree that there are a lot of people in all countries who have self-esteem problems and get angry at people who aren't attracted to them. There's no point to it- you can't make someone feel physical attraction if they don't, and if you get snippy about being rejected you lose the chance to have a friend, as well. Long time ago I beat my head against some walls like that, but then I taught myself that the most attractive people for me are the ones who are comfortable with themselves and who are naturally attracted to me, too. Frankly, the really super pretty boys bore me now- they're insecure, vain, may or may not like me (they're too obsessed with themselves to give it a moment's thought!) and so spoiled that they're usually terrible in bed- moreover, the "prettiness" is a very passing phenomenon for most people, and then you're left with person of average looks and terrible personality.

If you're not comfortable with yourself, moreover, other people can sense it and they're not likely to find you attractive anyway if they have any sense- because attraction is as much about psychological factors as it is physical appearances. That's where the "boyfriend aura" comes from, that makes others so attracted to you when you're in love already with someone. You accept yourself fully and easily, knowing that someone else also accepts you- and that really makes you attractive.

Some guys with a history of troubled or distant human relationships may also even be subconsciously attracted to those who are not attracted to them, and will need a lot of painful experiences to recalibrate themselves.

If you're meeting and rejecting a lot of insecure or lonely guys, BB, then maybe that's where you're getting your "sour grapes" thing from. But, to be honest, while their attitude is their own problem, I don't think that it proves in some way that they can't find a partner who's nice and attractive in every way for them. It just means they can't get guys who aren't attracted to them and they haven't figured out yet that it doesn't make sense for them to try. I'm sure that you're a nice, handsome, intelligent fellow, but that doesn't put you at the top of some hierarchy of worthiness that signals general failure in all who don't succeed in picking you up! :o

"Steven"

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Boybrat you certainly know how to talk yourself up and make yourself feel good. A 29 year old former teacher now Journalist, wow so Hi-So. How you must feel when someone asks you...What do you do Mr Brat? Oh i'm a journalist....nice ring to it dont you think? He, the journalist, who only dates executive types under 40 with good bodies and financially sound like himself. I know you dont care cos you say it so often.Obviously you do care immensely what others think of you otherwise you wouldn't be creating a persona.

Now the problem with checklists is that as you grow older your list has to change. As your looks fade, have you noticed how Asian guys age incredibly fast, the guys who you were once attracted to are no longer interested in you. When once you were picky you become less fussy. Those guys you rejected suddenly become more attractive. The prefered look of a 29 year old will not be so easy to get when he's 39, 49 or 59 and when that day comes, the roles are reveresed, and you will be the one being rejected I hope you learn your lesson and you don't end up bitter like the guys you appear to take great pleasure in rejecting now. For there is nothing worse than a bitter fading queen as i'm sure you know. Remember those guys you reject now will be you in the future if your not careful, but I know you don't care....right?

Edited by DUMPSTER
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dumpster: have i ever SAID i was high society? no! i go to places perceived so by the thai public as so called highsociety, cos i feel more at ease there.

in other countires, they are simply known as "clubs". and no. ive NEVER said im hi-so cos its like telling people how much your prada shoes cost. its tacky behaviour and is not done. tacky tacky tacky. that is YOUR ASSUMPTION that just cos i go there, i belong to that crowd. im a boy who's out to have fun and those places are fun to me. some guys get their kicks at gogbars and saunas, i go to such clubs for fun. if u dont like that. its YOUR problem.

and i get my knickers in a huge twist when people put words in my mouth. have i EVER said im hi-so? NEVER!!!!!! am i hi-so? im NOT thai but i tend to get along better by the people who go to those clubs. but have i ever said im hoity toity? NEVER. on the contrary, i can talk to anyone , anywhere. attitudes are passe. if u dont like that, its YOUR problem.

read the posts better dumps, years of public schooling will come to naught if you dont learn to read properly and stop jumping to conclusions.

yes, i am a teacher turned journalist. and yes, there is such a thing as "career switch". and yes, asian guys CAN be the ones who do the picking, ive seen many asian guys who pick white guys for the very fact that they are white. call it what u will, i have quality control..and if have a problem with that, its YOUR problem, not mine.

there are certain qualities that i look for in a guy and there are other qualities that you look for in a guy. what ranks highly to me, (looks, education, $ stability, etc) might not be as important to u. i respect that. but if u dont like the fact that i think looks, education, etc etc are very important, its YOUR problem not mine.

boy dumpster. its not me but if im not mistaken its you who appear to be bitter with your personal rants. we obviously see things very differently, and i respect that. but as what i said, i HATE people who put words into my mouth.

i will only date cute guys who are financially secure, blablalbla...cos its my choice. MY CHOICE. if u dont like that, its YOUR problem.

and you have no right to predict my so-called future.and i do not "create" a persona. i dont create anyone or anything. i am me. i made MYSELF. not a persona. i made myself what i am now. and if have a problem with that, that as what i said, its YOUR PROBLEM.

and yes, im an asian guy who talks back, has opinions and know what i want. im not part of the popular STEREOTYPE (hate that!) that all asian guys are submissive, demure, sweet, naive and "exotic" in manners and perceptions. if u dont like that, its YOUR problem, not mine.

Edited by boybrat
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Now BB, that was a rant. feel better? Now your actions and words show me that you are full of yourself. That is my conclusion from your words. If you think that is being negative towards you then, that is your choice. You sound like you have a big chip, or bag of rice, on your shoulder. You sound like you have to justify and defend your words and actions all the time.

Am i bitter, about what? I dont know maybe something Ive burried but I cant see it at this time in my life.

The thing about guys who dont look beyond the look of someone is that when someone points out a flaw in them they go crazy, they rant, they bitch, the claws come out. It's all so irrelevant but your still 29. Maybe when your 49 and your looking back, you will see it.

Hey, all I was trying to say is that your shopping list changes as you age, even yours will have to otherwise you will be continually disappointed as guys reject your older look.

Hey i'm 39, business owner, fit body, hung. Oh my god im your type! Are you still single?

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Nice.. you go for it, BoyBrat..

Yet another weekend in BKK and another chain of disappointing farangs. Its always hard to meet a decent and self-assured farang in this town who isn't chasing after docile/sissy/money boys. Oh well... the hunt goes on.

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Wow! As much as I enjoyed that, BB, I should mention that your target appears to like it- his main interest in posting seems to be to stir up bad feeling among others. Wouldn't want to use that "t" word, of course, but don't.... feed.... the....

:o:D:D

"Steven"

Edited by Ijustwannateach
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Nice.. you go for it, BoyBrat..

Yet another weekend in BKK and another chain of disappointing farangs. Its always hard to meet a decent and self-assured farang in this town who isn't chasing after docile/sissy/money boys. Oh well... the hunt goes on.

Awww, c'mon, be fair. If they simply want *bottom* boys, that's hardly a fault- a top's a top. If they want to be waited on hand and foot, that's another matter.

"Steven"

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IJWT of course you would like a bitter rant of someone with a chip on his shoulder, thats the kind of guy you are, but what exactly did BB say in his rant.... nothing really.

He has his shopping list and i respect that. I dont particularly agree with it the same as other have pointed out or as others have put it more eloquently than I could possibly do.

I think many of the posters would run a mile from BB's ideal type of guy. Why do you think that is? maybe we are a bit older and wiser and after going after this type of guy in the past you realise you need a bit more substance to a person than just a look and in general most of these guys don't look beyond their reflection in a mirror.

These are just my observations and of course, I respect the choices of others. As I always say each to their own. But can you build a sustainable relationship on the foundations of your shopping list? absolutely not as Im sure you will increasingly become aware of as time goes by.

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Wow! As much as I enjoyed that, BB, I should mention that your target appears to like it- his main interest in posting seems to be to stir up bad feeling among others. Wouldn't want to use that "t" word, of course, but don't.... feed.... the....

:o:D:D

"Steven"

Steven you have been quite tempered of late but your starting to show your ugly side again. You really dont need to take cheap shots. I know you have been warned for this kind of behaviour in the past but i guess you never learn. However I wont object to your incitement

Talking of bitterness, Is it true Steven, that extreme overweight guys become bitter too? Maybe you can give us an insight?

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what did they do next?

they started talking shit about me! u know, they said things like:

she thinks shes so pretty, who does she think she is, boys like that are a dime a dozen, the flipping whore, hate her! etc etc etc.

Welcome to the Fourth Estate :o

Foreign publication/WP, or just winging it?

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Nice.. you go for it, BoyBrat..

Yet another weekend in BKK and another chain of disappointing farangs. Its always hard to meet a decent and self-assured farang in this town who isn't chasing after docile/sissy/money boys. Oh well... the hunt goes on.

TC ... it is always tough for you tourist asian guys to compete with the locals for the butch bottoms .... but when you change your luck let me know! I have the strawberry jam in my fridge just waiting for your next trip :o

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