Last weekend I saw something at Barry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 4th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Do it again but video it this time. I'll give you 10 baht

I have a strange feeling

this story is far too good to be true

On the other hand. If it is true:

-I have a unused DIY lobotomy kit

-I'll give it to you for free

-If you haven't used one already

Do it again but video it this time. I'll give you 10 baht

I will add 15 Baht...where is the donation box..

Good nomination material for the Darwin awards methinks

An old expression I have used for many years springs to mind; "I don't need to cut myself to know I'm going to bleed".

Thanks for the funny story though Krisb

I have a strange feeling

this story is far too good to be true

On the other hand. If it is true:

-I have a unused DIY lobotomy kit

-I'll give it to you for free

-If you haven't used one already

Id rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy....

I have a strange feeling

this story is far too good to be true

The story's about 9 years old: http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

The OP's copied and pasted it.

It's not true.

Cmon, course its not original. Thats why its in The Pub.

Cmon, course its not original. Thats why its in The Pub.

Fooled me at first, though. Then I wondered how you'd be able to buy a taser in a shop.

DISAPPOINTING.

Lucky did not like it.

Cmon, course its not original. Thats why its in The Pub.

Fooled me at first, though. Then I wondered how you'd be able to buy a taser in a shop.

See plenty up at Mae Sai, don't know if legal or not.

A real man wouldn't have used it on his thigh. But then he wouldn't be a real man afterwards. Not for a looong time.

Sounds like BS. Youtube is full of videos of guys applying these things to each other and to themselves for giggles. To encourage people to use one of these for self defense is irresponsible and dangerous to them. A real Taser, of course is very different and highly effective, but have nothing to do with what you describe in your post. Your attempt at humor and entertainment is duly noted.

You can buy these on Sukhumvit Road in Bangkok along with knuckle dusters and nasty looking knives. I wouldn't recommend trying to get any of these through UK customs no matter how much the the vendor assures you it is ok. On no account would I try to tazer myself either but did once mace myself after drinking jagerbombs. Very painful and I vomited.

I've seen drunk Aussies nail themselves and each other with them on Bangla Rd with little to no effect. Just a bunch of loud, scary noise. I'm sure the real ones can and do pack a punch like this, but I have yet to see one in Thailand.

They are just useless toys. They do tickle a bit but no affect unless you are big pussy.Normally pussies don't bother people.Waste of money!

I got the same story sent to me by a Special Forces buddy several years ago. One of the best stories I have ever read on the internet. You have to love the cat.

Cmon, course its not original. Thats why its in The Pub.

Fooled me at first, though. Then I wondered how you'd be able to buy a taser in a shop.

Quite easily. Only last week a shop owner was trying his best to sell me one.

Omg! This is damn damn funny. LOL

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

I wonder if people do the same with those pepper spray aerosols you can buy, usually from the same people who sell the 'stun' guns.

I don't think there will be many stories around of people spraying pepper spray in their eyes just to see if it worked, for want of them coming across as retarded.

OK - may not be original but I laughed out loud - thanks!

They aren't tasers, they are stun guns. Tasers shoot a wire connected dart and have been known to kill. I know the real ones work, saw videos of them and some kind of pepper spray that knocked a bull to his knees (doubt the rancher would have thought it funny) when I was in the New Mexico Law Enforcement Academy. Never had the occasion to use one or see one working. I had 2, the ex-wife stole both when I kicked her fat ass out.

A funny story, like many, I heard it in one form or another years ago.

iPhone Stun Gun:

http://www.yellowjacketcase.com/

I am laughing with tears in my eyes. thanks for the post!

This may be an bit of a fairytale but it is a hell of a funny read.

Stick it in the other end and write to let us know how it feels, Maybe you will like it, you never know until you try it!!!

As pointed out they are readily available in Thailand a friend of mine bought a couple in Chinag Mai that work as torches until you press a button ZAPPPPP.

Great story read it a while back.

This is a funny story that has been floating around the internet since

2004 and the truth to it has not yet been determined (Snopes).

However...true or not...it's a funny read nonetheless...must have

been a redneck!

Some links below...

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

http://linkprosperity.com/funnytazerstory

http://www.rense.com/general69/pocket.htm

My missus carries a stun gun...packs 380Kv in a

package a tad larger than a pack of ciggies. She's

used it twice...not yet on me but on a couple

guys intent on grabbing her ass & boobs. Dropped

em like dead flies it did.

That is undoubtedly the funniest story I have ever read, I laughed till I cried.

LOL! and I am still laughing. Very funny story krisb.

I thank ya' kindly for the entertainment.