How Do You Keep A Relationship Healthy?

[dukkha]

Dump, just got onto this thread tonight...I think the trust has to be there from day uno my friend..where you both choose to go afterwards is something else..I knew Sam liked sex with thai boys from the beginning and so there was not much of a problem...has it changed? NO, we are even more closer than 15 months ago...he suggests when we should go out and look about, it is a mutual decision if someone else comes home with us, if I like OK, if he likes OK, if he does not like OK...however I have omitted to say in all of this it does NOT include other farang men...I think this is an interesting aspect....why?? Cos I could not handle it if he were to be having sex with another farang, but he does not want to, am I hypocrytical, YES....but the rules were laid down from the beginning...he never expresses anger, vulnerability or jealousy that I maybe losing interest in him as a lover/friend/;companion/partner but at 29 there is a certain maturity that allows us to function this way..besides I cannot fulfill all his sexual desires at 60 and why should I expect him to deny them because I pay the rent...I have never been monogamous sexually but as I said, emotionally there is no question about it, Sam is my love object and he is comfortable that it continues to grow in the way it is....of course we are all different, for me I have been lucky, would never have happened in a Western set up I am sure...we wont be getting a dog or a cat....maybe a new shirt!! Cheers Dukkha

[DUMPSTER]

We have recently discussed our sex life and basically he doesnt want to go to saunas or have 3somes. He said he accepts the way things are and he is happy to do so. He didn't ask whether I was happy with this. I don't really want to push him on the matter. My relationship with him means so much to me. Like you Dukkha, I am very very happy with my partner and have never once looked to break up because our sex life, improve it yes, but not to break up. The rest of our relationship is far more important to me than the sex side and as I approach 40, I am so happy I can say that. It has taken a long and often painful path to realise sex is just a sensation that causes a lot of suffering.

For me one of the keys to a healthy relationship is not to let sex dominate it. For too many, it is all the relationship is and those relationships are going to end sooner or later and the suffering will continue. I accept the way things are because I can. I have a choice. I choose not to let the sensation of sex dominate and destroy my relationship. I choose instead to enjoy the beauty of being with someone emotionally and spiritually which gives me happiness which is something that 1000 ejaculations could never give.

Edited August 9, 2006 by DUMPSTER

[jdinasia]

1000 ??

that's what .. 2.5 month's worth?

[popshirt]

Dukkha sez :".............. and why should I expect him to deny them because I pay the rent..."

Exactly! And if it works for you two, great!

[DUMPSTER]

1000 ??

that's what .. 2.5 month's worth?

Blimey how many times a day are you at it?

Mind you I did know a guy in CM, who could cum, quite easily, 10 times a day and would still want more.

[jdinasia]

Another rough week .... just online chatting and phone calls. I did send a special gift to the house in BKK but apparently it hasn't arrived yet! Just "Phuket snacks" but a reminder that he should be down here

[boybrat]

things you shouldnt do when you are in a non-open relationship:

1. check your partner's mobile fone.

2. check his emails

3. look through his bags

4. COUNT THE CONDOMS

5. spy on him.

thai guys are dramatic and very possessive over their farang bf's, from my personal experience anyway. and i was confronted at least twice by 2 different thai guys who read the dirty text messages their partners sent me when they needed a booty call. and my replys always the same: KEEP your boyfriend. you boyfriend and i just ######ed and thats it. somehow they dont get it. its just sex.

they think that i wanted to steal their boyfriends. i really dont get it....but tough.

[DUMPSTER]

things you shouldnt do when you are in a non-open relationship:

1. check your partner's mobile fone.

2. check his emails

3. look through his bags

4. COUNT THE CONDOMS

5. spy on him.

Never have and never will. I've been in insecure relationships and they were hel_l. Constantly checking up on each other. They all ended in a terrible mess. Lessons learned, eventually, which is good.

I have never thought my current b/f was cheating and he never questions me. Why? because we trust each other. If you get to know someone, instead of having a sexual relationship, then you KNOW. This knowing brings peace and harmony to a relationship. It brings happiness. To find happiness in a relationship you need to know and love yourself. If you don't know and love yourself how are you going to know and love somebody else.

[boybrat]

things you shouldnt do when you are in a non-open relationship:

1. check your partner's mobile fone.

2. check his emails

3. look through his bags

4. COUNT THE CONDOMS

5. spy on him.

Never have and never will. I've been in insecure relationships and they were hel_l. Constantly checking up on each other. They all ended in a terrible mess. Lessons learned, eventually, which is good.

I have never thought my current b/f was cheating and he never questions me. Why? because we trust each other. If you get to know someone, instead of having a sexual relationship, then you KNOW. This knowing brings peace and harmony to a relationship. It brings happiness. To find happiness in a relationship you need to know and love yourself. If you don't know and love yourself how are you going to know and love somebody else.

trust me, pumpkin. lots of guys do. and poor old me had to bear the brunt and be their scapegoat for "causing them to break up". like riiighhtttt.....

was dating this hot german once and caught him checking my text messages. when i told him off he said that his thai ex didnt mind. yea rite, cos u bought that ######ing fone for him dats why!

anyway, to cut a long story short, i dropped him like a hot potato (*drumroll*). and we were only dating...can u imagine????

-exeunt-

[DUMPSTER]

trust me, pumpkin. lots of guys do. and poor old me had to bear the brunt and be their scapegoat for "causing them to break up". like riiighhtttt.....

was dating this hot german once and caught him checking my text messages. when i told him off he said that his thai ex didnt mind. yea rite, cos u bought that ######ing fone for him dats why!

anyway, to cut a long story short, i dropped him like a hot potato (*drumroll*). and we were only dating...can u imagine????

-exeunt-

I didn't say other guys didn't check, I said I don't.

It also sounds like you are a guy of very few morals.

Shagging other guys b/f's and thinking nothing of it. In fact, it seems you even take pleasure in breaking them up and then scream how innocent you are in the whole sordid affair. I think there are a few guys on here who like dramas. Maybe you should try and hook up with them. They appear to be just what you are looking for.

[dukkha]

From my experience if there is no trust then there aint no relationship...period, full stop..went through it for five years here and it was the most unhealthy time of my life...even did it when I was with farang boyfriends in Australia, distressing but all part of my own insecurity, neither liking myself nor 'being in my own skin' as it were, thakfully as one gets older there are some compensations, yeah I know you want me to list them, but truly, it is easier now, knowing who I am and what I am on about, not what others are thinking about me, it is me who needs look in the mirror and take a good hard look at myself cos I reckon it all stems from ones own self image, not one that is portrayed by others to me...when one ceases to worry about what others may think of one it like a heavy load lifted from ones shoulders, it took me far too many years, but having arrived I dont intend going back to such behaviour. Intend to stay healthy psychologically etc with the love and care of Sam who is, on many occaisons, a more mature man than myself...it is an open relationship and all aspects of such are discussed together in order to avoid living a life of drama...I have left the stage and dont need applause, just a little understanding and a heap of compassion...so far so good given the nature of impermance for us all...a good weekend to all!!

Dukkha

[boybrat]

trust me, pumpkin. lots of guys do. and poor old me had to bear the brunt and be their scapegoat for "causing them to break up". like riiighhtttt.....

was dating this hot german once and caught him checking my text messages. when i told him off he said that his thai ex didnt mind. yea rite, cos u bought that ######ing fone for him dats why!

anyway, to cut a long story short, i dropped him like a hot potato (*drumroll*). and we were only dating...can u imagine????

-exeunt-

I didn't say other guys didn't check, I said I don't.

It also sounds like you are a guy of very few morals.

Shagging other guys b/f's and thinking nothing of it. In fact, it seems you even take pleasure in breaking them up and then scream how innocent you are in the whole sordid affair. I think there are a few guys on here who like dramas. Maybe you should try and hook up with them. They appear to be just what you are looking for.

morals are relative. its not an absolute concept. i didnt ask them to leave their partners for me. i didnt ask them to fall in love with me. i told them to like stop calling me cos heck, i seldom do repeat performances.

and if their partners find out cos they snooped, then its MY problem? nu-uh, pumpkin!

but then of course, im the mean nasty wanton trollop from hel_l who dared show an ankle to the milkman and had a strand of hair showing from beneath my yashmak.

egads! stone her to death quick!!!!! *titter*

[Guest endure]

I have left the stage and dont need applause,

Now THAT is an attitude well worth cultivating

[jdinasia]

Cheers to that!

[DUMPSTER]

morals are relative. its not an absolute concept. i didnt ask them to leave their partners for me. i didnt ask them to fall in love with me. i told them to like stop calling me cos heck, i seldom do repeat performances.

and if their partners find out cos they snooped, then its MY problem? nu-uh, pumpkin!

but then of course, im the mean nasty wanton trollop from hel_l who dared show an ankle to the milkman and had a strand of hair showing from beneath my yashmak.

egads! stone her to death quick!!!!! *titter*

Another who justifies his actions by blaming others.

[dukkha]

JD and Endure allow me the indulgence of expressing my thanks for both of your posts, I feel oxygenated knowing that there are some men who understand some of what I write...interesting it is you two young men...many thanks Dukkha

[boybrat]

morals are relative. its not an absolute concept. i didnt ask them to leave their partners for me. i didnt ask them to fall in love with me. i told them to like stop calling me cos heck, i seldom do repeat performances.

and if their partners find out cos they snooped, then its MY problem? nu-uh, pumpkin!

but then of course, im the mean nasty wanton trollop from hel_l who dared show an ankle to the milkman and had a strand of hair showing from beneath my yashmak.

egads! stone her to death quick!!!!! *titter*

Another who justifies his actions by blaming others.

why do i sleep around with other peoples (CUTE, great bod, nice face, etc) boyfriends?

cos i can.

tee hee

[dukkha]

WOW....a heart almost half the size of a Prozac tablet...

[DUMPSTER]

why do i sleep around with other peoples (CUTE, great bod, nice face, etc) boyfriends?

cos i can.

tee hee

well yes you can and it does take two to tango. You obviously see nothing wrong with your actions and I accept that's how you see things and how you act. You must always do what you think is right.

I on the other hand see someone who acts and thinks with his dick, sees no further than his nose or then next mirror you pass and who comes accross as a potential b/f's worst nightmare. You will only attract someone who is as shallow as yourself and the prospect of finding a happy relationship with the attitude you currently have is pretty remote. But hey i'm sure, deep down, you are happy

[dukkha]

Maybe deep down quite shallow....oh how youth is wasted on the y.................. Dukkha

Red and Yellow, Green and Pink, go for whoever you think...

[jdinasia]

I'd reccomend a new thread here ... how to act if you don't want a realtiomship to be healthy ... or even to ever have one .....

but .... it has been done to death

[boybrat]

why do i sleep around with other peoples (CUTE, great bod, nice face, etc) boyfriends?

cos i can.

tee hee

well yes you can and it does take two to tango. You obviously see nothing wrong with your actions and I accept that's how you see things and how you act. You must always do what you think is right.

I on the other hand see someone who acts and thinks with his dick, sees no further than his nose or then next mirror you pass and who comes accross as a potential b/f's worst nightmare. You will only attract someone who is as shallow as yourself and the prospect of finding a happy relationship with the attitude you currently have is pretty remote. But hey i'm sure, deep down, you are happy

hey if i do find someone, then its good. if i dont, i dunt really care. i have never discounted the fact that i might get hitched one day. but im not looking for one. if it happens, it happens.

honestly, with the life i lead now, i dun think i have enough time for a partner anyway. if u think im shallow, so be it. everyone's entitled to have an opinion, no?

tho i must admit...i think im a LOT of work.

[dukkha]

BR from what you have written you have certainly been honest that you consider yourself high maintenance and for that you are courageous....after all I waited 59 years so it is never too late, gay sera sera in the words of Doris Day...best of luck...to be trite, it never seems to happen when one is looking, it can come like a thief in the night....or an angel in the night, enjoy your youth, plenty of time later to settle down, or as you say, get hitched, that is such an American expression, also Aussie, you must be an cosmopolitan man...... Dukkha

[DUMPSTER]

tho i must admit...i think im a LOT of work.

So why not change?

Your life will change.

At least by admitting it you are half way there already.

Good luck

[boybrat]

tho i must admit...i think im a LOT of work.

So why not change?

Your life will change.

At least by admitting it you are half way there already.

Good luck

nonono. im a LOT and i mean LOTS of work cos im a diagnosed attention deficit hyperactive disorder adult.its true.......guys ive dated find my hyperness (if there's such a word) cute at first. then they find out that it doesnt go away. horrors! (for me, im less attention deficit but with lots and lots and lots of hyperactivity. ive got bounds and bounds AND BOUNDS of energy.)was a terror as a child.

tee hee

[PeaceBlondie]

boybrat, I'm diagnosed as AHADD, or whatever order the letters come in nowadays. Our nervous systems may never slow down; we just learn to subdue it or channel it and focus better. But ADD is no excuse for being a butterfly; that's your choice. You needn't have an excuse for being a butterfly, and I think your candor is admirable, even if most people who rail against Victorian hypocrisy think it's so naughty to be a butterfly. So, when I was one, I just told the partners, "I'm a butterfly. I will have other guys." Most of them went elsewhere; some didn't.

Surely enough, though, butterflies don't have good long term or healthy relationships, especially if they need the drama of stealing partners from partnerships that were trying to be monogamous. I don't mean to be throwing stones in glass houses, though - an open relationship physically can sometimes be a healthy relationship otherwise, but that "openness" always puts a strain on the health, physically and mentally.

[Papa_Lazarou]

I'm diagnosed as AHADD,

I personally believe that such a condition does not exist, and the terminology has been made up by therapists to describe folk who are perhaps gently eccentric, short-tempered, or just drank too many fizzy drinks.

[DUMPSTER]

I'm diagnosed as AHADD,

I personally believe that such a condition does not exist, and the terminology has been made up by therapists to describe folk who are perhaps gently eccentric, short-tempered, or just drank too many fizzy drinks.

As one learns or chooses to behave in a certain way, which then becomes ones normal pattern of behavior, I beleieve, one can unlearn. It's is all in the mind, obviously, but one has a choice to change but maybe not the will power, help or desire to change.

[boybrat]

i was actually diagnosed, by a shrink. two therapists, in fact. read up more on the condition, and youll learn more. have stopped taking my medication and am now much happier. im a lot of work cos of adhd. can be very tiring for the other partner. am like a duracell bunny on some days.

anyway.

never did have the intention of breaking couples up tho. have only ######ed with other peoples partners. never stole them.

could have been a secret, a one off thing if their asian boyfriends do not find out about the trysts. alas! they checked their farang partners' text messages...stupid thing to do. never check on things that u are not supposed to. ull find things that u wont want to see.

i am sure that infidelity is more rampant than one might imagine. especially in bkk. im not the only guy who has slept with "married" men. but i dare admit that i do and i have felt no remose. absolutely no regrets.

but just cos somebody openly admits to it, doesnt make him or her any worse than one who does it one the sly. i dont lie, i dont take bullshit. and if there are some people who dont like the way i think, then i respect that. otherwise. tough.

lets move on. im getting boring now.*titter*

-exeunt-

[Papa_Lazarou]

i was actually diagnosed, by a shrink. two therapists, in fact. read up more on the condition, and youll learn more. have stopped taking my medication and am now much happier. im a lot of work cos of adhd. can be very tiring for the other partner. am like a duracell bunny on some days.

Two therapists, two sets of fees !

We all have our bad days, where we might feel hyper or where we lose focus. Its natural, its not an affliction.

PB's attention is never in deficit when scrutinizing Thaivisa so it perhaps isnt a chronic problem.

Its like these other 21st century afflictions that weren't around in our parents generation...'Feeling knackered all the time' syndrome, and 'Bipolar syndrome' (feel depressed). In the UK the Government gives you money if you are diagnosed with these, and you don't have to go and find work, and have a ready made excuse when you want to have a lie down or go bananas at people.