Children

[donnyhaus]

I have been an absentee husband because of the work I was performing in a war torn country. I didn't get to know the family that I married into or the culture of the country I am now living in. I am no longer working, so I am now living in Thailand with my wife and her family. I am living with my wife and her step father and her 3 son's. The middle son is 15yrs old and he has been promised to a 14yr old girl, I immediately had a problem with this. I was unaware that this tradition was practiced in Thailand. So now I feel the responsibility of helping to pay for whenever this wedding is supposed to take place, even though no one ever informed me of this tradition. There are some things going on here that go against my moral judgement, but I feel guilty when I talk to my wife about them. For instance the girl who has been promised to my wife's son comes and goes from our house when ever she wants to, this includes bringing friends, she pretty much ignores the fact that I am here. Today she came with 2 other girls her age and went into the bed room of her son who wasn't even here. Excuse me, folks don't knock on the front door and ask if so and so is home? What I need to know is if this is common practice in Thailand? Should I feel guilty about laying some ground rules when it comes to our house? Keep in mind that my money built the house and paid for everything in it as well as pay all the bills (cable, ele., internet, water, etc.).

[Mario2008]

Young village marriages are not uncommen, especially in rural Thailand. Although 14 and 15 is a bit young, it is again also not that unusual. As she is promised to him, she will be part of the family and after the marriage move in.

Who piad for the house and pays the bill is not the issue, what is is that you alll live in their so you all should feel comfortable there. Both sides should give and take to achieve that. You need to talk with your wife how to change things you don't like, keeping in mind that you cannot change everything but also don't have to put up with everything.

[Costas2008]

Put your foot down and set your rules, otherwise you will be complaining about many other things in the time to come and you will be most unhappy.

Sympathise with you and wish you Good Luck.

[donnyhaus]

I agree with you whole heartedly, I've only been living here a little more than a month now. I am trying not to come across as the person who wants to change everything. That's why I feel guilty when I do bring something up. I have been to many other countries and know that it would be a mistake to compare cultures, I'm here to stay and I am going to make the best of it and enjoy myself. Thanks for your input.

[Costas2008]

You are the bread provider and also, you have every right to enjoy your life after retirement.

From personal experience, there will be some not so satisfied faces at the beginning but things will start changing.

Edited January 15, 2014 by Costas2008

[benalibina]

U have a situation in hand regarding cultural differences, arranged marriage, and simply politeness, coming in unannounced and treating the house like its theirs.

Talk it over with ur wife....see what happens...give it some time....if nothing changes step your foot down and show you are the boss.

Good luck....you will need it...

[Mario2008]

One thing I forgot. That the girl ignores you is totally unacceptable, she should at least wai you. That is the norm in the Thai families I know.

[eezergood]

Take away the Thai & it sounds like any petulant teenager....social & cultural issues aside, YOU are an adult they are minors set some groundrules!

Who here didnt push their luck with parents......

[FiftyTwo]

dont pay for the wedding.

not your job as you werent involved in the arrangement.

not your job as you are not his father, ask his father to pay.

as they want tradition how much is the boy paying for the girl, and where is he getting the money?

ps

you sound like a right doormat.

never pay for anything you dont want.

no need to say no, just delay and never actually have the money.

pps

its not your house, up to the owner what happens.

Edited January 20, 2014 by FiftyTwo

[Boo]

The problem is you married into a culture you know nothing about & to someone who you don't know very well & who also doesn't know you. You sound like you have created a situation of coming into a family set up that is already established & due to not wanting to rock the boat have allowed them to walk over you.

You either shut up & put up or you start to put down some rules.

If you are bankrolling this mob then you have a right to a peaceful life on terms that suit you, you don't get to stop your wife having family or friends but you do get to agree to what goes down in your home.

Had either of my young neices entered a house where an adult(thai or not) was visible & NOT waied & sawat dee'd then they would have been whacked upside the head & have been when not showing politness .

Your wife is complicit in this rudeness, your first point of call is to discuss the problems with her & have her understand that you expect respect from relatives & that anyone not showing it will be denied access to the house.

[Boo]

The other alternative is to run as fast as you can & next time take more time, effort & care when deciding who you get involved with & what their family is like.

[Showbags]

I bet the kids real father has a grin from ear to ear.

[NBD]

Understandable grievances but I would say take a little more time to get your head around the situation first - blundering in at this stage will get the predictable Thai response of saying "yes yes yes" and agreeing with what you say then completely ignoring it. This will lead to more frustration and a you-against-them scenario. Talk to your wife first - tell her that you don't think it's acceptable to have teenagers in and out of each others' bedrooms, and that your house is for you and your family. Not a youth club.

It is a very Thai way to be in and out of each others' houses at all hours, but it's your house too.

Also make clear right now that you have no intention of paying for an arranged marriage. This may be practiced by some rural families but like a few other customs it's definitely not the norm and it's not something you should be expected to bank roll. It's also a weather vane - put your foot down about this and make very clear there will be no money from you for it, and I think you will get a good indication of where you stand.

I wouldn't get too worried about the wai-ing or not. I assume you're somewhere pretty rural (?) and it's most likely that these kids simply haven't got a clue how to act around someone not from their village and background.

[bender92]

You should move away, far and fast.

[ingvar]

This is the first time ever that I hear about arranged marriage in Thailand (been here for 20 years). Guess it must be something they do in Isan small villages? Never been there but I live in the central countryside in Thailand and as far as I know around here it is not how they do it.

I would send the son away to a boarding school or university in BKK or Chiengmai so he can see the real world around him and then it will probably change by itself somehow?

[jacko45k]

You say these kids come in and pretty much ignore you?

I can understand them 'avoiding' you a little, if you don't speak Thai, they will not want to be embarrassed trying to talk English.

But, I would expect them to give you a 'Wai' at least as a 'hello' and a little respect for an elder.

There seems to be a sense of you being 'taken for granted' here, likely enforced by your absentee husband past.

You made the bed to lie in, and you do right to tread easily, but don't be a mouse!

Talk to your wife and tell her you do not feel comfortable .......

And why is the 'step father' there if the mother is not?

Edited January 21, 2014 by jacko45k

[captnhoy]

I have no comments about the arranged marriage. As for walking into your house unannounced I've suffered the same experience. I thought this was the norm but have since learned that the norm is to call out from outside the house and wait to be invited in. Frequently they are not invited in and the conversation takes place outside the home. I've also seen signs on farang homes instruction Thais to not just walk in unannounced. I've also made it clear that I am polite and greet people and expect the same. This has mostly worked for me. You are most definitely a stranger in a strange land but you can ask for what you want.

[FiftyTwo]

This is the first time ever that I hear about arranged marriage in Thailand (been here for 20 years). Guess it must be something they do in Isan small villages? Never been there but I live in the central countryside in Thailand and as far as I know around here it is not how they do it.

I would send the son away to a boarding school or university in BKK or Chiengmai so he can see the real world around him and then it will probably change by itself somehow?

I'm guessing you don't speak enough Thai to understand their conversations.

And nobody bothers to talk to you about much in English.

Loads of guys living like that.

Or you don't appear to have enough money to get any offers.

[BrooklynNY]

A Thai woman is commenting here that what you described about your Thai wife's family is not the tradition I grew up with. I and my siblings were taught to be polite, courteous to other people regardless of ages and status, but there are Thais who are ignorant and arrogant as well. "Wai" is a Thai way to respect elders that all Thais are taught from school (being respectful does not apply to some family that has to do with way of upbringing).

You are married to an ignorant family I presumed. This kind of good manners to make a prior announcement (Knock or a phone call) before entering someone's home and to politely pay respect "Wai" to an elder these manners needless to be told. All Thais are taught from a very young age (6 months) to "Wai" to be respectful to elders (but with an exception that if one is from an ignorant unrefined upbringing family).

I believe that your wife is from a remote rural area of Thailand where arrange marriage is considered common (excuse me if I'm wrong). About wedding expenses that you are expected to take care, your wife takes advantage of you that you are a cash cow. You pay everything for them so you have rights to lay down house rules and in return of course they will not like it when you speak out and they will bad mouth about you in Thai right in front of you that you would not even know that they are talking about you. Also language barrier is a factor that you will come across with that they will just nod their heads and simply ignore what you have said and carry on the same ignorant habits.

Your Thai wife has three sons who are in preteen and teenage, which is another problem to deal with teenage problems in any country. Teenagers in Thailand are very materialistic and many of them are brought up spoiled. I am surprised though that your stepson's g/f has no manner to pay respect "Wai" when seeing you or at least she would smile and lower her head in way of being respectful to an elder. Regardless of being shy or not, still any Thai would show some kind of respect to an elder.

I am brought up to be respectful to any one whether rich or poor. In addition that my parents sent me to an all girl boarding school where to be taught to be respectful. I passed it on to my children who grew up to be humble and respectful.

In your case, you happened to settle down with a Thai woman whom you probably did not know much of her background and seems like your wife does not care much to change her way of life because you are the one who moved in and you are a farang among ignorant Thais. Unfortunately that you did not spend much time to know each other much better before getting married. You have a choice to look for another woman, the one who has a decent education and has a decent upbringing family background but spend more time to get to know each other goods and bads.

Good luck.

Edited January 21, 2014 by BrooklynNY

[Docno]

Some TV people will call you a 'doormat' because they're part of the mob who basically want to set up a patch of the 'old sod' here in Thailand. In many cases (not all) they will socialise only with other farangs and will insist that things are done their (western) way. I suspect that for many of them, moving to Thailand was the first time they were immersed in another culture. You, on the other hand, seem to have had some good cross-cultural experience and come across as culturally sensitive, and it's clear that you're trying to navigate the balance between being open to different practices and your own strongly held values. That's commendable. I would simply say that compromise and understanding is needed on both sides ... you don't need to accept everything that happens around you (you don't need to go native), and both you and your Thai family need to adjust their way of living to toward each other. That does not, of course, mean compromising on your core values. I had this sort of 'meta-conversation' with my Thai gf at the start of our relationship--about how we both need to do some adjusting--and it made a big difference because it became one of our shared 'ground rules' we could easily refer back to.

There's a very good book I'd recommend for the both of you. It's called Thailand Fever ... terrible name and cover, but it's written by a Thai-farang couple and it explains each 'culture' (OK, anglo culture) to the other. It's English on one page and Thai on the other ... the same content, so each of you can point to something you want to highlight and your partner can read it in their native language. My gf really became really absorbed in it (I knew more about Thai culture than she did about western culture when we first met).

Good luck.

[Card]

I have paid for my partner's house in his mother's compound and his family use the house when we are not there. I also have an issue with privacy (walking in unannounced etc) but accept it as far as I can, unless kids run around and make a noise. That is how things are in most villages around the world and you should try to accept it - you may have paid for the house but you did it in their village with villagers around doing their own thing. They don't have the same need for privacy and their custom is to be far more casual about visitors. For example, when they have a party (not held for/by or paid by me - almost no-one brings any food or drink, just saunter in and then leave without even a hello or goodbye or thank you and by some even an acknowledgement of my presence. That is accepted as norm and has nothing to do with my presence or bad manners. On the other hand, my partner quietly sets the limits with them and knows what my needs are - so I don't have many issues, despite being a general whinger!

[ronthai]

As most here say, stand your ground and talk to establish a set of house rules. If your wife/GF really loves you and wants to be with you, she will support you, if not, maybe time to take the losses and move on.

I had a similar situation in Udon years ago and made it very clear, that I am not paying for anything, when the youngest daughter was married away (oh, well I was not invited) or when the whole family suddenly needed a new house.

My BF was not strong enough to support my basic rules and needs, towards the family and it ended the relationship.

The only thing that stood out for me in your first post was that you only come back from "work" and now live in Thailand for a month. Suddenly there is an arranged marriage for which they expect you to pay for incl. the "brides purchase".

Don't know your history, but the above sounds to me, as a first step in "milking the cow". I hope I am wrong.

[recycler]

Agreed with a previous poster you sound a bit like a doormat.

Kids that enter your house should at least be polite and greet you, your wife should support that and tell them.

You should adapt to some elements of culture but when you consider it against your moral code that a 14 year old is sold by the family to a 15 year old you are damn right! That they call it culture is no moral justification, you don't have to go along with all the bullshit.

Good luck in creating your own (emotional) space in the house you paid for ;-) Your wife should be supportive in this, if she's not you have a problem. I pay for a house for my wife's family, but I would never ever live there myself.

[randyoon]

Tell the wife you want to sell the house (You don't even own it although you paid for it) and that you want to build a bigger house for the family and the stepsons soon to be bride. Tell the wife that you want to sell it before you get the new one built and that everyone will have to live with another family member while the new house is being built. After the sell is complete, take the money and run faster than a Catholic Priest going to a boys home and never look back.
You're being used more than a doormat on a cathouse right under your nose. Either do this or suck it up and live life the way they want.

[cooked]

Bear in mind that not so long ago people spent their days underneath their houses on stilts (many still do ariund here). No point on knocking on a door that isn't there. The two grandchildren of my wife used to walk by without a greeting until I started standing in their way, they had to go the long way. As it turns out they were very shy. My actions backfired on me as they now take pleasure in creeping up behind me and sawasdeeing the hell out of me.

Shyness gone anyway and I now have most of the neighbours shouting a greeting across a garden or two.

But it's generally not done to greet people here, bit of a shock for me after Switzerland.

Sent from my GT-S7500 using Tapatalk 2

[belg]

are you on drugs? or just a troll....

divorce, go back to your own country or something

you married someone you just met and left for another country.... and now nobody knows or respect you ?

5555555555555555555555

[Chao Lao Beach]

I presume you live in Issan .........

My advice, move out of Issan and at least 20km from any in-laws.

Start a new life with your small family.

[Evolare]

I have been an absentee husband because of the work I was performing in a war torn country. I didn't get to know the family that I married into or the culture of the country I am now living in. I am no longer working, so I am now living in Thailand with my wife and her family. I am living with my wife and her step father and her 3 son's. The middle son is 15yrs old and he has been promised to a 14yr old girl, I immediately had a problem with this. I was unaware that this tradition was practiced in Thailand. So now I feel the responsibility of helping to pay for whenever this wedding is supposed to take place, even though no one ever informed me of this tradition. There are some things going on here that go against my moral judgement, but I feel guilty when I talk to my wife about them. For instance the girl who has been promised to my wife's son comes and goes from our house when ever she wants to, this includes bringing friends, she pretty much ignores the fact that I am here. Today she came with 2 other girls her age and went into the bed room of her son who wasn't even here. Excuse me, folks don't knock on the front door and ask if so and so is home? What I need to know is if this is common practice in Thailand? Should I feel guilty about laying some ground rules when it comes to our house? Keep in mind that my money built the house and paid for everything in it as well as pay all the bills (cable, ele., internet, water, etc.).

indeed you should sit down with the family and speak your mind what is ok with you and what is not. Together try to find common ground what you all are comfortable with. Yes we live in Thailand and this is the culture in some rural areas but not for entire Thailand and in some provinces this behavior is frowned upon i would also ask the boy and the girl if this is what they want?

But bring up the subject sooner rather than later or it will eat you up. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and didnt speak out and 2years down the line they are divorced he went back to Norway and she got the house and other assets in thailand he did however sell both cars and the motorbike and kept the money as they were in his name.

[MyFriend You]

This happened to me way back when, difference was it was my thai wife's little sister who we practically raised since 6 years old.............when she was 14, her father came and tried to take her away having promised her to someone in the village they lived in down in Hat Yai - I, being a Westener of course said 'not no, but hell no '- the wife didn't know what to do, the girl was crying, I kicked him and his motley crew out of my house (Yes he was drunk, and so were they) he came back a few days later with the Poo Yai Baahn who told my wife we had to give the child up, I countered with calling the police - well to make it short, the wife sided with the father as "Thai Custom, you don't understand", I said "American Custom, I divorce you do this" - that was the first nail in our marraige, we divorced over this episode.....luckily, no house or kids of our own..........I flatly refused to bend to this BS, in this day & age arranged marraiges have no place in my life. So in this case, everyone is a loser - the Walking ATM walked, the sisters life ruined, she was smart enough to be a Doctor, the wife lost me (no great loss, but you get my point) But what if I had conceded to the whole charade and let sleeping dogs lie, I wouldn't like myself very much - so if you feel that strongly about it - walk away, your feelings are whats important in this matter - they will not, not see it your way. Besides as one poster claimed - you are 'one right walking mat in your own house, it doesn't appear they see or respect you.

[wolfmanjack]

In my mother in laws village the people just walk in the house but they all wai me the first time if i am there except the mother in law. For her it is hugs instead both when i arrive and when i leave. The same for my kids and the mother in law.

If they do not want someone walking in the house they lock the door.