Married a Thai and appear to do nothing right !

[MilesofSmiles]

<snip>

Suggest you spice up your life by hiring a maid.

<snip>

Introduce her to BDSM ritual starting with a fashionable array of the latest Velcro and webbing restraints, ball-gag and a Symbian with a Turbo setting.

<snip>

Come to think of it. Film ALL this stuff and post it online.

Sir,

I find your thoughts interesting and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

;-)

[mesquite]

Women like this aren't unique to Thailand. In the US I always left at the first sign of this, usually holding out awhile for the sex.

Women who grow up in alcoholic families, and a lot of Thai women are in that category, have a disdain for men because they had to take care of their drunk father who really couldn't do anything right. They have no respect for us men unless we treat them like crap. I don't do domestic violence, but sometimes I think that's what some women really want, a guy to knock them around a bit. I just won't do it. I'll leave instead.

[Choonpon]

Men or women, many choose the hard way to learn their lesson. Why can't we accept the softer approach?

[Beetlejuice]

Tell me about it.

My difference is we were never married.

I had several long and intense conversations with her about that point.(I suppose you could call them arguments)

I warned her a few times that if she kept disrespecting me I would simply leave.

All her children were grown, working and living on their own. No need for me to take care of anyone (including her).

I helped raise those children and supported that family for 30 years. Don't get me wrong, there were some good times also.

And yes, I loved her ...really still do.

Just can't live with her now.

One day, she insulted me again, so I just kissed her goodbye and left.

Maybe, sometime, I'll go back and see how she's doing now.

Or maybe not.

I'm perfectly happy being MYSELF, and always have been.

You are like several other common law or married partners I have met in the past. I describe them as the long and suffering and i do not mean this to be offensive, only stating what are the facts.

I guess that you have been together with your partner for so long that you have fallen into a sort of institutionalised relationship and as with any kind of institutionalised lifestyles, it is extremely difficult to break out of and to completely begin a new way of life apart, probably impossible in many cases.

These are love and hate relationships and usually continue on throughout their married lives. They have a low tolerance of each other yet unable to sever themselves from their relationships completely.. I know because my parents were exactly the same, my siblings and I had miserable childhoods because of my parents incompatibility when they were together, but they would never actually make the break and separate completely although it would have been beneficial for all of us if they had.

In my opinion for the most part these are hopeless cases, dysfunctional couples who become trapped with each other and never have the courage to change and move on with their lives, their situations will not improve, meaning you are stuck in your own circumstance.

Sad but true.

[ozyjon]

I had the exact same situation once

i thought,, (she just wants the money)

so i left

now she is begging me to come back

so i do the :washing, cleaning, mowing house repairs house painting, pay all the bills buy all the food, for the mother also etc (you know what i mean)

she complains, thais don't do it that way, i do wrong and on and on and on

yes i left

she can listen to her own barking, the lady i'm with now just smiles, couldn't give a rat's and neither could i

PS don't marry,, it's harder to get out.

[tifino]

jaw dropping to stumble across this Thread - hehe I'm not the only one (farang) after all, who has copped all the dejavu's throughout the Thread.

" you dumb you no got master degree. P*** (her ex) he got master degree he smart"

my mistake, once, was to reply with the "well for a MD fella he's so dumb, why he hit you and you divorced him"

"you dumb, you do everything for you mum and dad (ps, they're now in aged care), "I not do dat I look after myself nobody help me"

" but I am here dear, I look after you"

"no I be alright look after myself"

so I leave that alone now as it goes in circles...

Everything I do around the house, the wife has this scatoma that she can never thank me for what is done for her.

But, she always finds something not done right, so I always end up farang ba!

If I did something correctly, she'll blow up that she didn't ask (ie tell) me to do it in the first place.

I'm bad, because I have no hesitation in letting her know I love her, or miss her when she's away.

Says I am weak, and have to learn to be alone (which she was after she dumped her ex, and she adapted herself to like being alone)

I've only yesterday repeated I am the strong one because I am not embarrassed to be capable of openly professing love for the missus.

Thai women, as been said before, copy experience from others. She copied the inability to profess the openness, because the Silent unloving attitude was what she experienced in those previous 13 years of living under the blank hand of her Ex.

I reminded her of that yesterday, and even expanded on it that I reckoned he was the example of a 'weak' man.

Even detailed he was incapable of saying (what I can say), because he always looked down on her as he was a master degree man, and she was only a year 4 primary school girl. She copied the experience from him... and now uses that back on me, because I don't have MD, just college diplomas...

it goes on everyday, and I just have to learn to shut up.

yes, I do all the house work, but when she's in the house I can't even be trusted to rinse a cup or a fork in the sink, without her jumping up with a "no, I do it"

I am retired, but when she's chatting to her girlfriends she always shows she's the one who does everything, and says about me 'not having a job, no working, he lazy"

"you dumb, you cook for your mum and dad but you don't even know how cook for me - Thai food"

I can actually, but years ago she adamantly ordered she cook all for me.

Now reckons I should cook for her.

I try to but she stops me anyway (I can't be trusted in kitchen - remember!)

I'm happy with that, as she cooks really aroy muk muk

I don't really mind what tensions I now go through in this life.

All I'd like to happen is for her stop blowing up her ex to everyone around her, because "he got a master degree", or he good because he had given lots of money to mum. But that's another story, about how he bought his now ex-mother in laws love...

I know my memory fails me often - the absent leaving keys/glasses/wallet etc in unknown places, right when I need them to go somewhere NOW.

I cop a lot from that, but thisalways leads to her getting headaches, because I explain at length( in English which gives her the headaches), thatmy absentmindedness is increased by all the tension, from the continuous criticisms I get everyday.

I keep saying I'll get better if she backed off a little now and then...

You know why the farang always does the wrong thing:

Because for every task:

there's a Right way,

a Wrong way, and

there's the Wife's way

[nputman]

Welcome to Marriage.

[canman]

Finding it hard to understand how there could be so much to do that you work sunrise to sunset!

[Choonpon]

People don't appreciate what they have usually, then regret when they lost what's precious to them. Taking things for granted... Life's too short for regrets.

[mesquite]

Everything I do around the house, the wife has this scatoma that she can never thank me for what is done for her.

This is exactly how my Thai ex was. Also, she ridiculed me for thanking people when they did something nice.

Do Thais think it's a sign of weakness to thank someone?

[tifino]

I reckon so on that point.

To thank,

To ask for instead of tell to give/do for her

etc etc - to me , for a Thai to utter any of that makes her feel subservient??? - when she wants that feeling of power, to be in control

and not to look WEAK, and lose face...

This is why it may be wise at times to stay quiet and let things ride...

I try to let her think she always wins

[iancnx]

Gobsmacked. Does this really go on in the real world? Time for a beer!

[amykat]

I would like to THANK everyone who has written so far, on this thread, and shared their experiences. I know some people here seem to think that "sharing your dirty laundry" is not good (esp. the British people?) but since this forum is mostly anonymous, I have never understood that thinking ...and as well, with personal relationships, I think it is a bit better, to be the real you and open up.

As a female in Thailand, it is really interesting to hear this "other" side of things, and that coming here and being involved with Thai ladies, doesn't mean you will solve what are common relationship problems, besides the uniquely Thai issues that come up.

I consider myself a "relationship impaired person" and once I took note of some discussions Oprah had about her difficult upbringing/life, and her current relationship and why it could be successful. She gave almost all the credit to a therapist she met called " Harville Hendrix" who has written several books. And while I actually really hate self-help books, I ordered every book he wrote, trying to find the answer for me! I haven't actually read all of them though. I read enough, which reinforced my decision, that maybe I am just better off single and not to participate in trying any longer ...which was really part of the plan when I moved to Thailand, but I didn't expect it to be forever. And while forever hasn't come yet, I have lasted a very LONG time alone, and am a lot happier.

Basically, his theme seems to be that damaged people, let's say as kids, we had abusive/neglectful parents ...which can take many forms, we will be attracted to a certain type of person in order to attempt to fix that. In my case, coming from an abusive/neglectful parents, I often THOUGHT that I was picking different men, and they were quite different (from my father, and from each other) but now I realize that was only in their packaging. In some fundamental ways, they were all the same, or had similar issues in combo with my issues. And as a woman, I might not just be trying to fix things with my father, but my mother might be disguised in these various packagings as well.

Anyway, I happened to find what he wrote to be true in my case, and in combo with living in Thailand, and not having many/any options, that giving up on a love life was good for me, and for this point in my life. I have a sort of half-assed idea that this could change someday, in the future, but can see I am giving no importance to that, so it is unlikely to happen.

However, some of you confused guys might want to read the books by the man I suggested above. I would also guess that some of us, are just confused about who we might get involved with here. When there are cultural differences and language issues, it is easy to write the weird things off, here and there, in the beginning, and fill that missing part in, with assumptions on our part, based on OUR OWN thinking ...which has nothing to do with their thinking and is almost always wrong.

Then throw in some reading on the nature of LOVE, and hormones and what happens with bonding, and all of that on a chemical level, and you can easily figure out why you/me/we have been so stupid from time to time. I think I read a book called "The History of Love" that described a lot of that, but my memory sucks so I am not 100% sure ...if anyone needs, I could look it up if you want to PM me!!

Anyway, I wish everyone who is in a bad relationship ... please consider getting out and doing some work so that you don't keep repeating the same mistake!

[amykat]

Hello again,

Sorry, I have to say that "The History of Love" was NOT the book I read ...well I read it, it is on my Kindle, but it is not the one I was thinking of when I wrote above. That is the problem with Kindle, for me, no book, no cover, no memory of what the hell I read!!!

I still don't know the name of what I am thinking of, I will have to look it up. But THAT is not it so don't anyone order that on my recommendation please, it is just a fictional novel, not what I was thinking of. Sorry!

[GOLDBUGGY]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Another post where I would like to hear the other sides view before passing judgement.

Yah!

Me To!

Like who pays the Bills?

[CharlesHH]

If a Thai woman has a university degree from here, do not marry her. If she is into foreign men, the chance is 80% she is in that biz, sucking $$$ out of foreign men. She did not get a degree to put up with you.

Educated women, in general and Thai specifically, are trouble. What were you thinking?

[tracker1]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Another post where I would like to hear the other sides view before passing judgement.

Yah!

Me To!

Like who pays the Bills?

Mostly me

[tifino]

wife just looked over my shoulder and has said:

"man have to pay for everything"

"that our culture"

[AnotherOneAmerican]

wife just looked over my shoulder and has said:

"man have to pay for everything"

"that our culture"

Has she also told you the reason for that thinking?

It's because in Thai culture a married woman owns nothing herself.

On marriage all her assets should be signed over to her husband.

I love traditional girls!

[tifino]

I have a long-going understanding in how she ticks.

That is why this ol'dumb farang didn't say anything back to her

[Shancloudy]

OP,

I hope I could find someone like you that can do the housework.

Honestly, I never see my dad doing like that in our house. He is a very kind and supportive father but with limitation he said he will do anything except housework "it's a wife and daughter job".

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Everything I do around the house, the wife has this scatoma that she can never thank me for what is done for her.

This is exactly how my Thai ex was. Also, she ridiculed me for thanking people when they did something nice.

Do Thais think it's a sign of weakness to thank someone?

Depends on your relative social status.

If they are lower in status than you, no thanks.

If they are higher in status than you, profuse thanks.

[tifino]

status - heh heh status doesn't enter into it, when wife simply says:

"she smarter than me."

" You dumb."

" I not tell you do that."

"only do what I tell you"

'you don know anything"

then there was something about "empty headed water buffalos", that I managed to translate back out of the thai-speak

[amykat]

Everything I do around the house, the wife has this scatoma that she can never thank me for what is done for her.

This is exactly how my Thai ex was. Also, she ridiculed me for thanking people when they did something nice.

Do Thais think it's a sign of weakness to thank someone?

Depends on your relative social status.

If they are lower in status than you, no thanks.

If they are higher in status than you, profuse thanks.

Hey AOA,

Do you know what the explanation for this could be?? Seems like it would be the opposite of what you say ...although I know it isn't. I have my own guesses, as to why saying thank you seems unknown to certain people here. It certainly seems to be very wide-spread ...the NO thank you, which shocks the hell out me, even after so many years here.

I can't figure out how this benefits them? It is certainly demotivating from the giver's point of view (at least, my own giver POV).

[tifino]

the No thank you - or should I say - the Not Say thank you comes back to "it's my culture" thing again.

Don't do something for aThai, if the Thai did not ask you you to do 'it' for them.

I even get scolded if I open/hold open a door (car/house/room etc) for the wife.

"If I not ask you to do that, i have not asked you to do that, so I not say thank you"

About the only thing you can do for a Thai is to: give an old beggar money

- and that is only because he's asking you for it

- by showing his face to you with an open hand...

In Mae Klong I offered a money to a beggar, and sawadee khrapped him

- boy did I get in trouble for that in my wife's eyes...

I tried to explain the farang was treating everybody as equals, but that what she rebuked as 'English-talking reject of her-ways' only gave her bigger headache

[Donnie Brasco]

Everything I do around the house, the wife has this scatoma that she can never thank me for what is done for her.

This is exactly how my Thai ex was. Also, she ridiculed me for thanking people when they did something nice.

Do Thais think it's a sign of weakness to thank someone?

Depends on your relative social status.

If they are lower in status than you, no thanks.

If they are higher in status than you, profuse thanks.

It's ALL about knowing whose @$$ to kiss.

They even have an aphorism for this that goes along something like this:

"If you find yourself in a room full of people, some of whom you don't know, just smile away until you have learned who is "UP" and who is "DOWN".

In fact it is expected. That's why we see the big-hair "Khun Baa's" sporting all their jewelry at EVERY social event. They wheel the baubles out shamelessly and shove 'em in everybody's face. They'll give the gems a once-over, give your gold ornamentation a heft, and work the room as fast as they can to determine if they have all the names straight.

It's a sight to behold.

Actual conversation ????

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit. . . . "

[HeavyDrinker]

I've had savage wind since cabbage and spare ribs for lunch yesterday and had to sleep at the condo last night as I kept gassing her out with them hot, silent ones and making the dog bark when the volume was a little higher. I didn't mind going though as marriage is all about compromise at times.

[NeverSure]

wife just looked over my shoulder and has said:

"man have to pay for everything"

"that our culture"

Has she also told you the reason for that thinking?

It's because in Thai culture a married woman owns nothing herself.

On marriage all her assets should be signed over to her husband.

I love traditional girls!

That is until she marries a farang. Then she owns everything including the farang ATM. If she doesn't know that her friends and relatives will soon educate her.

Is it any wonder that so many Thai women are looking for a farang new house new car swimming pool new scooter ATM?

When I hear a Thai woman say that she doesn't like Thai men and wants a foreigner I know why, despite the reasons she states. Am I the only one?

[Arkady]

I think you need to decide whether the complaints about failing to adhere to Thai culture are really only that and something you could work on, or whether she has become irritated by virtually everything you do and the Thainness thing is just an excuse. Anyway, if you are raising your voice frequently, you may be constantly irritated by her and are both in a downward spiral.

I think all farang men married to Thai women in Thailand get stick about not doing things the Thai way sometimes but, if it is a constant complaint, there is probably something more to it. Whatever happens, you need to get a life of your own.

[tifino]

woo hoo whoa there! Raising voice in front of at, or in the face of the missus is Bah mukmuk, no matter for what reason, nor whether you or her are in the wrong, or right about the subject at hand...

... it is always taken that I am rejecting whatever opinion she has, and that applies even to when we are actually on the same side about something.

It's a little nuance of hers (well I think it is hers), that I have early on recognised, at avoid at all costs