My Future In-laws...what Do I Do?

[HB2010]

Okay, I need some advice.....I'm meeting my future In-Laws this December. Should I bring them gifts, if so, what is appropriate? I'm so much in love with my Thai b/f, I just want to make sure I do the right thing. Being from the USA, I've always brought "something" when I have been invited to one's home. Is this true in Thailand? Any suggestions? Thanks! PS: I will be so nervous! :-)

[RAMPAGE]

Okay, I need some advice.....I'm meeting my future In-Laws this December. Should I bring them gifts, if so, what is appropriate? I'm so much in love with my Thai b/f, I just want to make sure I do the right thing. Being from the USA, I've always brought "something" when I have been invited to one's home. Is this true in Thailand? Any suggestions? Thanks! PS: I will be so nervous! :-)

You don't indicate where your future in-laws live or their economic status. In the absence of any more detailed information, my advice would be to..... BRING MONEY!!

[AsiaWolfie]

why dont u frankly ask ur BF about that ? he should know what makes sense and is suitable....

oh, and never bring money to a first meeting.... could make them GREEDY.....

[sbk]

We had a similar discussion in the Ladies forum, do not bring money. It is not an appropriate gift.

An appropriate gift would be something from where you come from that they would enjoy. I go home every year and buy my in laws something when I come back. This year I got them dried fruit: apricots, cranberries etc. Things they have never had before and they enjoyed it very much. Maple syrup is also popular.

[tourleadersi]

I can't see the problem in taking along what you would take back home. I know that this is Thailand, and they are to become your future in laws, but at the same time you are Farang and should try to make that clear right from the outset.

They will need to get used to the idea that their future 'son-in-law' does things a little differently to a Thai man. No one is going to take offence at a box of chocs, flowers (make sure you get the right ones, some here are for funerals and others for God) or wine (make sure they haven't just joined the AA!).

The thing is if you start out trying to be Thai then they will be surprised when you actually end up being a Farang. It is what I have done with my wife's family from the outset. There are sometimes puzzled expressions and I do make some horrendous gaffs, but at the end of the day I am being true to myself and my culture. I have also never heard the words 'a Thai man would do it this way...' They know that I am different and take me at face value now.

Good luck with the 'first encounter'. I hope it works out for you.

[dukkha]

For what it is worth, my experience with thai culture and gift giving has none of the western trappings...when I met my in laws I cant recall what I took, but I did buy a box of beer and food for all who had gathered to meet me, I bought all the cigarettes for the extended family, sweets for all the kids, icecream from the street vendor who appeared, my partner had not asked me anything about gifts but he was comfortable that I pick up the tab for any entertainment for these poor rural folk...I have since learnt that thais, in my experience, dont open up gifts in your presence, they do not usually say thank you and oooh and aaah the way westerns do at birthdays etc upon receiving gifts...in fact we had a tense moment with each other, I had bought Sam a gold chain after a few months of meeting, it seemed strange he never wore it, I asked why, he said it could easily be taken from his neck...then on his birthday he appeared with a new gold chain which he was wearing, I asked what is the story, oh he said, I exchanged the one you gave me for this one as the clip is more secure...I said well why didnt you tell me you did not want the one I bought all that tme back....thais dont tell you that, they see gifts in a very different light, there is the notion of investment...I said Sam I feel insulted that you did this with my gift...eh, one must never react in the way I did...as I say gift giving is not seen in the same light that we were brought up with, and the thai reaction is not one of ingratitude at all, just another way of seeing...vive la difference!!! Dukkha

[RAMPAGE]

For what it is worth, my experience with thai culture and gift giving has none of the western trappings...when I met my in laws I cant recall what I took, but I did buy a box of beer and food for all who had gathered to meet me, I bought all the cigarettes for the extended family, sweets for all the kids, icecream from the street vendor who appeared, my partner had not asked me anything about gifts but he was comfortable that I pick up the tab for any entertainment for these poor rural folk...I have since learnt that thais, in my experience, dont open up gifts in your presence, they do not usually say thank you and oooh and aaah the way westerns do at birthdays etc upon receiving gifts...in fact we had a tense moment with each other, I had bought Sam a gold chain after a few months of meeting, it seemed strange he never wore it, I asked why, he said it could easily be taken from his neck...then on his birthday he appeared with a new gold chain which he was wearing, I asked what is the story, oh he said, I exchanged the one you gave me for this one as the clip is more secure...I said well why didnt you tell me you did not want the one I bought all that tme back....thais dont tell you that, they see gifts in a very different light, there is the notion of investment...I said Sam I feel insulted that you did this with my gift...eh, one must never react in the way I did...as I say gift giving is not seen in the same light that we were brought up with, and the thai reaction is not one of ingratitude at all, just another way of seeing...vive la difference!!! Dukkha

Well..........even after 20 years in Thailand, speaking the language fluently, and feeling I am totally integrated.....I would still be seriously p.....ed off if my partner took a gift from me and exchanged it for something else without at least discussing it with me in advance. I think there is a delicate balance that farangs have to strike between excusing all Thai behaviour as simply "their culture" and by so doing, debasing the value of our own culture. Good manners are good manners....everywhere in the world. The Golden Rule applies worldwide. There are no exceptions.

[DUMPSTER]

For what it is worth, my experience with thai culture and gift giving has none of the western trappings...when I met my in laws I cant recall what I took, but I did buy a box of beer and food for all who had gathered to meet me, I bought all the cigarettes for the extended family, sweets for all the kids, icecream from the street vendor who appeared, my partner had not asked me anything about gifts but he was comfortable that I pick up the tab for any entertainment for these poor rural folk...I have since learnt that thais, in my experience, dont open up gifts in your presence, they do not usually say thank you and oooh and aaah the way westerns do at birthdays etc upon receiving gifts...in fact we had a tense moment with each other, I had bought Sam a gold chain after a few months of meeting, it seemed strange he never wore it, I asked why, he said it could easily be taken from his neck...then on his birthday he appeared with a new gold chain which he was wearing, I asked what is the story, oh he said, I exchanged the one you gave me for this one as the clip is more secure...I said well why didnt you tell me you did not want the one I bought all that tme back....thais dont tell you that, they see gifts in a very different light, there is the notion of investment...I said Sam I feel insulted that you did this with my gift...eh, one must never react in the way I did...as I say gift giving is not seen in the same light that we were brought up with, and the thai reaction is not one of ingratitude at all, just another way of seeing...vive la difference!!! Dukkha

Well..........even after 20 years in Thailand, speaking the language fluently, and feeling I am totally integrated.....I would still be seriously p.....ed off if my partner took a gift from me and exchanged it for something else without at least discussing it with me in advance. I think there is a delicate balance that farangs have to strike between excusing all Thai behaviour as simply "their culture" and by so doing, debasing the value of our own culture. Good manners are good manners....everywhere in the world. The Golden Rule applies worldwide. There are no exceptions.

There is a difference between feeling and being intergrated which is probaly why you would get peed off.

At the end of the day if you give a gift it is the persons to with as he sees fit as it's now theirs. If you have attached some feeling to the gift then you will have a problem if the person does something with it that you don't like. After all you might like the gift but the recipient might not. Now the recipient, Sam in this case, is happy wearing a gold chain whereas before it sat in a draw doing nothing. Therefore one should be happy that their partner is happy, right?

I have had gifts bought for me that I didn't like and I wouldn't wear just to please someone, so why shouldn't I expect the same if I buy something for somebody else?

What Sam did has nothing to do with good or bad manners, he simply used his common sense and got a chain he likes and is happy wearing. Maybe you need a few more years in Thailand

[HB2010]

Okay, I need some advice.....I'm meeting my future In-Laws this December. Should I bring them gifts, if so, what is appropriate? I'm so much in love with my Thai b/f, I just want to make sure I do the right thing. Being from the USA, I've always brought "something" when I have been invited to one's home. Is this true in Thailand? Any suggestions? Thanks! PS: I will be so nervous! :-)

You don't indicate where your future in-laws live or their economic status. In the absence of any more detailed information, my advice would be to..... BRING MONEY!!

The In-Laws live close to the current airport in Bangkok. They are poor. I've asked my b/f many times what I should bring or what the family would like and he keeps saying that all they want is to meet me and want nothing. But, I can't do that. I was thinking maybe I could take them; mother, father and younger brother, to a nice restaurant for dinner? Also, I have this nice delicate small gold bracelet that I thought his mother would like. My b/f is very close to his mother. Do Thai's like jewelry?

[jdinasia]

For what it is worth, my experience with thai culture and gift giving has none of the western trappings...when I met my in laws I cant recall what I took, but I did buy a box of beer and food for all who had gathered to meet me, I bought all the cigarettes for the extended family, sweets for all the kids, icecream from the street vendor who appeared, my partner had not asked me anything about gifts but he was comfortable that I pick up the tab for any entertainment for these poor rural folk...I have since learnt that thais, in my experience, dont open up gifts in your presence, they do not usually say thank you and oooh and aaah the way westerns do at birthdays etc upon receiving gifts...in fact we had a tense moment with each other, I had bought Sam a gold chain after a few months of meeting, it seemed strange he never wore it, I asked why, he said it could easily be taken from his neck...then on his birthday he appeared with a new gold chain which he was wearing, I asked what is the story, oh he said, I exchanged the one you gave me for this one as the clip is more secure...I said well why didnt you tell me you did not want the one I bought all that tme back....thais dont tell you that, they see gifts in a very different light, there is the notion of investment...I said Sam I feel insulted that you did this with my gift...eh, one must never react in the way I did...as I say gift giving is not seen in the same light that we were brought up with, and the thai reaction is not one of ingratitude at all, just another way of seeing...vive la difference!!! Dukkha

Well..........even after 20 years in Thailand, speaking the language fluently, and feeling I am totally integrated.....I would still be seriously p.....ed off if my partner took a gift from me and exchanged it for something else without at least discussing it with me in advance. I think there is a delicate balance that farangs have to strike between excusing all Thai behaviour as simply "their culture" and by so doing, debasing the value of our own culture. Good manners are good manners....everywhere in the world. The Golden Rule applies worldwide. There are no exceptions.

Sorry Rampage ... disagree (not with how you feel ... just what you assert to be fact). Manners ARE cultural if after this much time you haven't gotten that then I am shocked.

[ProThaiExpat]

My esperience base with Thailand is only four years in length so I, of course, consult my Thai to find out such matters.

Before I get into his answer regarding the OP question, I would like to point out that we all are different people and thus have different relationships with our Thais and certainly have different relationships with our Thai in-laws.

Some falang integrate with the relatives to such a degree that they become "one of the family". Others, like me, stay away from in-laws and only meet them in formal settings such as restaurants, etc.

Coming from a disfunctional family myself, I am just not comfortable with in-laws and therefore only perform obligatory gestures toward my in-laws, whether they are Thai or western, ie. my son-in-laws family.

One only needs to read the many threads on sin sot to see the vast differences in opinions on that in-law issue.

My Thais response to the OP question was first, "Where do they live". He is from Issan and from a poor family so his answer was gold. Further, while American gold is nice in jewelry form, Thai gold is preferred, as it is purer.

OP should not be nervous regarding his first meeting, as he already has many points in his favor, just being a falang from America.

Whatever OP chooses for his introductory gift, he will have many opportunities to give further and if his relationship continues with the same Thai boy, he will end up giving more to his Thai boyfriend's family than he can now imagine.

It was a couple of years before I ended up buying his mom a house and meeting her for a three day weekend I sponsored in Pattaya. The formal photograph of the three of us dressed in ancient Thai trappings is her proudest possession, as her husband is long dead and she has much "face" in her village, living in son-in-laws purchased home and displaying to all her picture of her "son-in-law".

In responding to my question from OP, my Thai, for the first time, revealed to me that he bought some gold and gave it to his mom on my behalf sometime ago, as he knew that was what she wanted.

I think the idea of asking b/f what gift would be appropriate is a good one, assuming that level of intimacy exists. It is unfortunate, but in Asia, the size, cost and overall importance of the gift reflects not only on the giver but the receiver.

In my view, if OP's relationship with his Thai looks to be long term, err in being overly generous to deliberately impress, as it will give all concerned "much face".

[DUMPSTER]

OP should not be nervous regarding his first meeting, as he already has many points in his favor, just being a falang from America.

I'm not sure I would say that is a point in ones favor

[dukkha]

Dumpster, I want lots more years in Thailand, you betcha.....One thing Sam is well endowed with...is common sense, and you are dead right!! Ya learn something every day about living in a different culture, thats why I have lived here for 6 years and aint about to leave... Dukkha

[ProThaiExpat]

Dumpster, your comment was not unexpected. Many falang in Thailand, including many Americans, including myself, don't feel America has been on the right path under GWB, however, most Thais I have encountered hold America and Americans in high regard and after all, the OP's question was how his Thai and that Thai family would receive an American. My advice to OP in meeting falang in Thailand is to keep your nationality to yourself until you determine the mindset of the falangs being met.

[Ijustwannateach]

This question has come up sooner for me than I expected. Yesterday I was reading this thread in a theoretical, "what-if" mindset. Today, a guy I've been dating asked me if I would like to meet his parents next Sunday.

So I asked him directly if I should bring something. Of course, I got the dreaded "up-to-you" response, which is never strictly speaking accurate, as there are definitely some gifts that would be gaffes or mistakes, as tourleadersi points out in his excellent post above. One good way I've found around the "up-to-you" impasse is to give several different examples- many Thais will easily be able to say, "oh, yes, this is good and that would not be good" to specific items once it is clear they will not be interpreted as rudely criticising your general suggestion.

The gist of his response is that flowers would not be so good, because they are more romantic gifts which would be better off exchanged between the two of us. Gifts good for this first meeting with family would be foods- canned fruit, tinned milk, etc.- which they could actually enjoy and use. Money wasn't mentioned.

Of course, you need to consider the economic level of the family and scale your gift accordingly. If I were dating someone whose family owned a mall, I'd feel a little strange showing up with a tin of peaches. On the richer side, perhaps chocolates or other imported foods or alcohol?

As far as gifts of a more capital- or investment-level nature, I don't think he and I know each other quite that well yet.....

"Steven"

[Ijustwannateach]

For what it is worth, my experience with thai culture and gift giving has none of the western trappings...when I met my in laws I cant recall what I took, but I did buy a box of beer and food for all who had gathered to meet me, I bought all the cigarettes for the extended family, sweets for all the kids, icecream from the street vendor who appeared, my partner had not asked me anything about gifts but he was comfortable that I pick up the tab for any entertainment for these poor rural folk...I have since learnt that thais, in my experience, dont open up gifts in your presence, they do not usually say thank you and oooh and aaah the way westerns do at birthdays etc upon receiving gifts...in fact we had a tense moment with each other, I had bought Sam a gold chain after a few months of meeting, it seemed strange he never wore it, I asked why, he said it could easily be taken from his neck...then on his birthday he appeared with a new gold chain which he was wearing, I asked what is the story, oh he said, I exchanged the one you gave me for this one as the clip is more secure...I said well why didnt you tell me you did not want the one I bought all that tme back....thais dont tell you that, they see gifts in a very different light, there is the notion of investment...I said Sam I feel insulted that you did this with my gift...eh, one must never react in the way I did...as I say gift giving is not seen in the same light that we were brought up with, and the thai reaction is not one of ingratitude at all, just another way of seeing...vive la difference!!! Dukkha

Well..........even after 20 years in Thailand, speaking the language fluently, and feeling I am totally integrated.....I would still be seriously p.....ed off if my partner took a gift from me and exchanged it for something else without at least discussing it with me in advance. I think there is a delicate balance that farangs have to strike between excusing all Thai behaviour as simply "their culture" and by so doing, debasing the value of our own culture. Good manners are good manners....everywhere in the world. The Golden Rule applies worldwide. There are no exceptions.

Most Thais to whom I have given gifts have made a point of showing that they cherished them; even if they weren't publicly used. They like to brag about them to their friends, take them out at home and parade them, or at least use them where I will see them being used, somewhere, somehow...

However, things like gold, mobile phones, and other small jewelry and electronics (which I would never, ever give unless I was at a very advanced stage in a relationship with a Thai) are often viewed as commodities, as Dhukka points out. A Thai would think nothing of changing the cover, ringtone, bag, and all kinds of accessories related to a mobile phone and would be surprised if you got angry at his changing your gift. Some Thais may regard gold in the same way, I suppose?

Rampage is right- even if the form of the expression is different, just about any culture would have a way to express gratitude or thanks for a gift or favour, even if the form of expression were delayed or very indirect. One complication here might be that if one is regarded already as "family," perhaps fellow family members feel less obliged to express thanks directly, and the warm glow is supposed to sign enough?

"Steven"

[dukkha]

Bing considered family IJWT I am fully aware of the 'warm glow' and it is sufficient..rural thais are less talkative in my experience and go about their daily rhythm in a relaxed and comfortable way, there is lots of tacit acknowledgement of my role in the family and am not requiring a string or words to express their gratitude...being such a verbose old bugger it is refreshing to among folk with economy of verbal interaction, for surely as has been said, actions speak louder than etc.. Dukkha

[DUMPSTER]

Dumpster, your comment was not unexpected. Many falang in Thailand, including many Americans, including myself, don't feel America has been on the right path under GWB, however, most Thais I have encountered hold America and Americans in high regard and after all, the OP's question was how his Thai and that Thai family would receive an American. My advice to OP in meeting falang in Thailand is to keep your nationality to yourself until you determine the mindset of the falangs being met.

It was any cheap jibe and hope you realise I meant no offence by it. And as you say I don't think Thais think any differently of Americans because of GWB. Infact I would guess most don't even know who he is

[HB2010]

Thank you for all your ideas, suggestions and comments! I finally got my boyfriend to give me an idea on what I could do for the future In-laws. Why are Thai's so shy!! Or, maybe I'm just a pushy American! He suggested that we take them on a dinner boat cruise. That I like! Although, he insisted on paying, it's sweet of him, but no way will I let him. I'm sure the dinner boat cruise is something the parents would never spend their money on. Watch, my luck something will happen to boat that evening! :-)

[BambinA]

I'm meeting my future In-Laws this December. Should I bring them gifts, if so, what is appropriate?

emmm

no money .. just a gift ..whatever u can buy.

ask your partner what is his parents's life style

Edited July 17, 2006 by BambinA

[jdinasia]

I have never gone empty-handed to ANYONE's house! I did however learn to leave MY ideas about what to bring back at home!

Now I buy stuff that is cool locally ... and I always have some little cloisonne' pins with Colorado or Texas or Maine on them.

My new landlord and his wife have been super helpful to me so I broke open the gift box yesterday and dug out a pretty stone Mortar and Pestal that I bought in a town known for them in Chonburi province (Aung Sila). They loved it!

When the partner and I travel we always stop on the way back at whatever snack place that sells local treats and buy alot to pass out to our friends/family.

When visiting with Business folks we always bring a bottle of wine or hard to find whiskey.

Food/drink and small things that are kinda unique are always good. Artsy things or smart things for kids are always a good idea too.

[Boo]

To the op, give your bf the money for the dinner cruise, that way, you get to feel like you "brought" a gift & he gains some face in front of his parents. Once you have been there a couple of days you may have a better idea of small parting gifts to buy them?

Whenever we go back to hubbys home I always let him deal with the money side. His family are old fashioned & even thought in the UK we have our own accounts & no one bothers about who pulls out the money, for his mum, she gets really proud to see her son pay for something for her.

The first time I met my then bf's (now husband) mum & older aunt we bought them an electric shower. We had discussed various other things but decided that a hot shower would be more practical for them & the two kids living with them. The kids were really happy but the mother & aunt just looked at it, nodded a couple of times then put it away in the corner

Last year we bought them satin dressing gowns from the UK, classy, floral ones NOT sexy & as they knew me so much better after many visits & even living with them for several months, they shreeked & laughed & put on a fashion show for us. Lots of fun & the kids thought it was hilarious that old aunt & grandma were prancing around in floaty floor length gowns like supermodels

[jdinasia]

Great post Boo

[Ijustwannateach]

Great story, Boo!

One other piece of advice I've been given- it may seem obvious- dress up very nicely. Remember how important appearance and "smartness" is. Think of how you'd expect a young man of the 50s in the U.S. to dress when being introduced to the woman's parents for the first time.

[HB2010]

Great story, Boo!

One other piece of advice I've been given- it may seem obvious- dress up very nicely. Remember how important appearance and "smartness" is. Think of how you'd expect a young man of the 50s in the U.S. to dress when being introduced to the woman's parents for the first time.

Thanks Boo and IJWT for the great advice! Now, can i hold my boyfriends hand when we're with his parents? I know I'm not allowed to kiss in public, stupid thing, but would like to at least hold his hand!

Thanks!

[dukkha]

Gabriel, I think your bf will alert you to the parameters of your displays of affection twixt one another in the village context...for Sam and I, we do not, he seems happy enough just to have me around his family as we do the dull and mundane things of daily life...I am more tactile with his older relatives who always come to see me and enjoy lots of laughter with "Ajarn"....there is an inherent knowledge among the family that we love one another and thus no need to speak of it nor display it...I am confident and comfortable with that...of course we have never slept in the village compound together, we return to the provincial city each day to our hotel.. Dukkha

[Buki]

I think its a good idea to treat them out to dinner. You can tell your bf to tell the parents that you would like to take them out to dinner or something.

I think most Thais are appreciative of anything that is given to them. And they try to reciprocate that generosity with anything they can think of.

Bring them a basket of fruit. Thats pretty much ok. Its not like you are asking their son for marriage. AND if you are planning to do that, a dowry is important. I am not sure if thats applicable in a gay marriage ceremony here in Thailand.

They will ask you many things, just prepare to answer the most personal questions. have a great time

[Boo]

gabrielcnh1, any kind of public affection outside of the city is generally not done, I know the younger generation of thais are more open & obviously in tourist areas with a bar scene it's all over the place but in the presence of the family, no, period!.

My husband advised that even holding hands might cause embarrasment for his older relatives, although in a weird case of irony, his mum did prepare a bed for us both to sleep in (but it was in the same room as her, the old aunt & the 2 kids, so therefore ok!! )

I would avoid being overly affectionate with your bf whilst there, the more you get to know them the more you will be able to loosen up. After 5 years together & 3 years of marriage, he can kiss me in front of his mum now, but just a peck on the lips. Soooo racey

[popshirt]

gabrielcnh1, any kind of public affection outside of the city is generally not done, I know the younger generation of thais are more open & obviously in tourist areas with a bar scene it's all over the place but in the presence of the family, no, period!.

My husband advised that even holding hands might cause embarrasment for his older relatives, although in a weird case of irony, his mum did prepare a bed for us both to sleep in (but it was in the same room as her, the old aunt & the 2 kids, so therefore ok!! )

I would avoid being overly affectionate with your bf whilst there, the more you get to know them the more you will be able to loosen up. After 5 years together & 3 years of marriage, he can kiss me in front of his mum now, but just a peck on the lips. Soooo racey

I am forever amazed at the Thai response to a gay relationship. My husband's father is in the military, his mother from a rural farm and yet they presented us with a gleaming "Electrolux" toaster for our apartment at our second meeting. The first time I met them we traveled to their farm (they also live in Bkk) and were given the matrimonial bed and private bedroom of mom and dad who then slept on pallets in the living room. When husband's father comes back to Bkk after weekends at the farm, he always brings eggs, a variety of fruits and vegetables and also a tin of tea he has purchased as a gift to us.

I, too, was somewhat puzzled by the lack of enthusiasm expressed when I brought gifts to the family. No oohs and aahs, no shredding of wrapping and passing around. But I discovered that the gifts were appropriate and appreciated.

In the longer term, you need to be prepared for family financial emergencies, even in so-called Thai middle class families. I have made clear the difference between a gift and a loan, as this is a part of my culture and important to me. This distinction has been respected every time.

Good luck! Isn't this a wonderful journey we are on?

[dukkha]

A truly wonderful and joyous journey indeed....a gift in my opinion in itself, and no wrapping paper... Dukkha