Please help me, with my wife's kids.

[Costas2008]

I will be very frank with you here and you can hit me as hard as you like with your answers.

My wife has 2 boys, 15 and 16 years old.

At the beginning of our lives together, I did try hard to get near these boys, befriend them and try to substitute the love they lost from their father.

Saying that, that father of theirs has left them when they were 2 and 3 and never appeared again.

Anyway, doesn’t matter how much I tried, I was always the strange farang for them, taking away their mother and I was never allowed to approach them.

Seeing, how much they detested me, I decided to put them at the age of 12 and 13 to private boarding schools and see them every weekend when I had to go and bring them home.

The kids, had no success, whatsoever with the schools and many times we were called to go there because they had hit somebody on the head, caught smoking, recently smoked marijuana, and generally being interested in any wrongdoing except learning anything.

The schools kept them, because they are more interested in the money than their academic career.

Now the schools are on vacation.

They are back and keep looking at me as a strange animal.

I don’t want to be tough with them, I have no right to do so.

Please help me, what should I do?

Disappear for a month?

That will hurt my wife that I love immensely.

Any advice is welcome.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Rooo
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[Nautilus05]

Well, if their original issue was they didn't want you stealing their mom away from them, then you shipped them off to a boarding school, yeah... I can kind of see why they don't like you.

Take them camping, take them to a several day Buddhist retreat, take them on a vacation to say Chiang Mai or Phuket or Laos, find out what their interests are and get involved with them, etc.

[JLCrab]

If you want to spend some time in KK and looking for some company send me a PM.

[geronimo]

This is a real difficult one because doing what is necessary would probably split you up with their mother.

How does their mother feel about their behaviour? This is the key.

If she feels, as you do, that they are wasting away then you have to get her to back you up with some strong action. If she can then the iron glove should come out and let them know in no uncertain terms, what is what If the mother will not support then I'd d say the disappearance of you for the duration of their holidays would be the way to go.

I have a few friends who have split due to the wife's previous kids, it's a tough nut to crack!

[mrtoad]

Costas, I think what you describe is not an uncommon situation, I am sure there are a few members here with similar experiences of dealing with teenage step kids.

Whatever you do, don't try and over compensate by being extra nice, they'll probably still not respect you. They sound a right couple of potential Somchais sadly. If it's your house, then they should at least show some decency. f it's not happening, send them away on a boot camp or something.

[thailiketoo]

I opened a business and employed my step son. I taught him a trade. Got to know him a bit because we worked together. That's the positives of my experience.

[transam]

Well, if their original issue was they didn't want you stealing their mom away from them, then you shipped them off to a boarding school, yeah... I can kind of see why they don't like you.

Take them camping, take them to a several day Buddhist retreat, take them on a vacation to say Chiang Mai or Phuket or Laos, find out what their interests are and get involved with them, etc.

My wifes lazy son (19) doesn't like the farang , even though the farang has brought him up where his own father has paid sod all. Got used to it now, just biding my time to explode.

Costas, you ain't alone, believe me.

[Soutpeel]

costas the one thing you havent mentioned, how is your wife with them ?

[beachproperty]

First off, let me say that it is very brave of you to post a personal story.

That being said, IMO these kids are lost ....They're 15 and 16 and sound as though they have never been disciplined. Having their father leave when they were very young is no excuse. I'm afraid their mother missed the boat when they were young by not setting guide lines and discipline.

I met my wife almost 11 years ago when her children were 10 (boy) 13(girl) and 17 (boy). Like your wife's kids the father left when they were young never to been seen again. My wife worked two separate jobs before I met her so she could feed and clothe her children so she wasn't around much to discipline them and they were pretty much on their own...BUT she did set rules and guidelines.. The 10 year thought the same as your wife's children, that I was going to steal away their mother, the 13 year girl was wild staying out til 2am or later and the oldest decided it was best to just stay at a friends house.

At no point did I try to befriend them or become a father figure. BUT since I was paying the bills there were rules, which my wife agreed to, ...ie curfew, and school work. In the beginning it was just a tense co-existance with the young ones ....everybody going their own way and some ugly moments when I had to intervene, but my wife always supported my decisions and knew it was best for the kids in the long run.

Only advice I can give having been through something similar is to get your wife on board, set some rules and guidelines, and forget about trying to be friends with them but treat them with respect and eventually they will respect you back. took about 5 years in my situation but in the end we are one big happy family now. The above advice is something that worked for me ....and may not work for you...you have to be flexible

Good luck as it won't be easy

[Costas2008]

costas the one thing you havent mentioned, how is your wife with them ?

She is heartbroken with them, as she can understand that they are not heading for a bright future.

She is constantly trying to show them the right way, but we no results.

Many times she has been crying and being very confused with them.

But, they are her sons and she loves them with no conditions.

In fact she feels worst than me, torn between her love for her sons and her affection for me.

[Robroona]

I just had to give up a whole 4 year relationship with a very hardworking and sincere lady because of her 2 kids attitudes to me. I was supporting the daughter at University and putting the son to school. The daughter just hates farangs and was unable to accept that her mother could stoop so low.

When she came home at weekends, the atmosphere was always terrible and she influenced her brother badly. He was OK during the week, but totally changed each weekend. I even rented a small apartment for her to weekend in, but she wouldn't clean it, was always pestering her mother for food and clothes etc. I provide her with a motor cycle etc. but she basically refused to acknowledge that I existed.

Eventually the situation was so bad that we agreed on a separation as I do not have the right to ask the mother to choose between me and her family. I helped her set up a business but her daughter refuses to hep at weekends, so now they are all surviving on what the mother earns selling street food. Proud woman and I loved her dearly, but sometimes you have to break away.

[Aussieroaming]

Costas...maybe all of the disruption they are causing is attention seeking?

Maybe you could take them away somewhere neutral and have a honesty session with them where you all get to be honest Ina neutral environment.

I always tell my kids the truth and I challenge them to do the same.

Find how they really feel and they you can all adapt to reality.

You may be surprised at how they really feel. I hope you find some peace with them and be honest..tell them that you can see that they are off the rails. All you can really do is warn them that they are potentially headed for personal grief if they don't take advantage of what you have kindly gifted to them...ie a chance at a good education.

I went to boarding school ..it isn't that bad and it offers discipline and education if you are smart enough to utilise it.

Good luck

[transam]

Costas, been thinking , have known many farangs over the years with kid baggage, I cannot think of one farang that gets on with the baggage. some may make it look OK but naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sure folk will come on and say everything is honey with them but from what I have seen that will be a rarity..

[FangFerang]

Talk to them. Talk to them about their future and making money. Make yourself valuable. Let them know the long-term benefits of being on your good side. Set strict limits on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Stick to those rules, even in unforeseen circumstances.

It will take a lot of time for them to trust you. Farangs here do not have a good reputation, and that is 'well' earned. Spend time with each one, separately. Get to know them --their talents and interests, their favorite ice cream...

I cracked this nut before, and it takes strength and patience. Be the hard line, let Mom be the soft one.

They will respond.

PS: Ifanyone gives you crap for being a human being and asking for advice please ignore them.

[transam]

Talk to them. Talk to them about their future and making money. Make yourself valuable. Let them know the long-term benefits of being on your good side. Set strict limits on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Stick to those rules, even in unforeseen circumstances.

It will take a lot of time for them to trust you. Farangs here do not have a good reputation, and that is 'well' earned. Spend time with each one, separately. Get to know them --their talents and interests, their favorite ice cream...

I cracked this nut before, and it takes strength and patience. Be the hard line, let Mom be the soft one.

They will respond.

PS: Ifanyone gives you crap for being a human being and asking for advice please ignore them.

You were interested in ice cream persuasion at 16 .

Farangs are aliens, tolerated money source, thats it. Mrs.Trans and I get on great but her kids are another story. Similar situation to the OP. And I have tried everything.

[slipperylobster]

Sound like normal boys, like the two my wife's sister has. She married a farang....and for the past 8 years the boys were nothing but strangers and rabble rousers to him. The mom buys them brand new cars, houses, motorbikes, and the 15 year old gets to stay out of school and do the wild thing with all the girls (takes them to his own house). The Canadian surrogate father says nothing....nothing.....

15 year old runs his motorbike gang 24/7.

She paid to get the 15 year old a high school diploma and then put him in college. He never goes.

The 19 year old has impregnated 3 girls from good families and the mom adopted 2 of the kids....who will also be strangers to the farang grandfather. The families of the girls asked for the right thing (sin sod and marriage)..and were laughed out of the house by the mom. So much for that fantasy custom.

Edited September 27, 2014 by slipperylobster

[geronimo]

Costas, been thinking , have known many farangs over the years with kid baggage, I cannot think of one farang that gets on with the baggage. some may make it look OK but naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sure folk will come on and say everything is honey with them but from what I have seen that will be a rarity..

I know a guy whose stepson cut his own trigger finger off to escape the conscription. He also stole a donation box from the police station so he would be arrested because he didn't want to work. Even the mother disowned him!

[Costas2008]

Talk to them. Talk to them about their future and making money. Make yourself valuable. Let them know the long-term benefits of being on your good side. Set strict limits on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Stick to those rules, even in unforeseen circumstances.

It will take a lot of time for them to trust you. Farangs here do not have a good reputation, and that is 'well' earned. Spend time with each one, separately. Get to know them --their talents and interests, their favorite ice cream...

I cracked this nut before, and it takes strength and patience. Be the hard line, let Mom be the soft one.

They will respond.

PS: Ifanyone gives you crap for being a human being and asking for advice please ignore them.

I have spend hours, days, years, talking to them, me and their mother, trying to show them the right way in life, trying to tell them what is right and what is wrong.

I don't even remember spending so much time and effort with my own kids.

But what I get back is either a "khrap" or most of the time "it's my business or it's my life"

I have taken them to many trips alone or together, I had never given them any satisfaction.

Last April I took them to Chiang Rai, a famous Buddhist school for meditation and self awareness.

They pretended they changed for 3 days after and back to normal.

I can't really see what else I can do for them.

I want to help them, but I also have a life and I worked hard to be entitled to a better way of living now.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Send them to stay on the family farm, old enough now to not be your problem.

Many foreigners have problems with teen males from another father.

Thai guys, just tell the woman to get rid, and they do.

Don't give them money.

PS

They know you are having sex with mom, and they don't like it.

No friendly way out, get rid (of them, or her).

Did I say, don't give them money.

Edited September 27, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Toscano]

I guess it's the luck of the draw . Although my wife got my address from a neighbour and wrote to me in the first instance , I had important criteria .

My wife's two children were both adult , I didn't want and younger children . I was welcomed by both children and am loved as a father although the real

father lives nearby . The son left his wife and job in Bangkok to come home and go to college . I had already renovated my wife's house and told her she

was not to have her son living at home sponging off the money I gave her . He went to live with his grandfather , until caught copulating with a girl , so

then went to her house . Currently we have grandchildren sleeping with us , one week of two , while mother works nights , there father is taking a long

holiday behind bars . Nobody thinks it necessary to toilet train the children and it seem I alone buy diappers , because I won't have foam mattresses on

the floor soiled .

I have an Australian friend whose wife has two teenage children , he won't have them in the house , so they live with grandparents .

Most Thai wives priority is MONEY , so when push comes to shove , wives will suddenly remember money . I think you need to take a firm stand with your

wife , I'm quite often told to go back to my country , I go at once to pack all my things , but inside a half hour my wife is saying sorry and how much she loves me and please don't go .

[OmarZaidMD]

Little you can do. Sounds as if these boys are ruined. Army might help.

Mark your territory, make them respect it. Be firm, not tyrannical. Give them nothing besides the necessities. Make them earn perks or be damned.

Love their mother and don't ever tolerate their disrespect of her. Good luck. They're gonna need it, not you.

[nivram4491]

I’m not sure if my story will be of any benefit to the op as my story is the exact opposite of his.

My ex-wife has 2 daughters who are 19 and 20 years old. When I first got together with their mother they were 8 and 9 years old and narak mahk. I used to take them to school and pick them up from school on my motor cycle. I was always the one to have the time for them as their mother was always busy and their father had another woman who they did not like.

I got a divorce from their mother a year and a half ago but I am still close to the girls. Both are attending university and most of the funds come from me although their father is starting to make a contribution. The girls still come to stay with me from time to time and they want to look after me when I can no longer look after myself.

I still treat them as my daughters and could not be prouder of them.

[geronimo]

Talk to them. Talk to them about their future and making money. Make yourself valuable. Let them know the long-term benefits of being on your good side. Set strict limits on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Stick to those rules, even in unforeseen circumstances.

It will take a lot of time for them to trust you. Farangs here do not have a good reputation, and that is 'well' earned. Spend time with each one, separately. Get to know them --their talents and interests, their favorite ice cream...

I cracked this nut before, and it takes strength and patience. Be the hard line, let Mom be the soft one.

They will respond.

PS: Ifanyone gives you crap for being a human being and asking for advice please ignore them.

I have spend hours, days, years, talking to them, me and their mother, trying to show them the right way in life, trying to tell them what is right and what is wrong.

I don't even remember spending so much time and effort with my own kids.

But what I get back is either a "khrap" or most of the time "it's my business or it's my life"

I have taken them to many trips alone or together, I had never given them any satisfaction.

Last April I took them to Chiang Rai, a famous Buddhist school for meditation and self awareness.

They pretended they changed for 3 days after and back to normal.

I can't really see what else I can do for them.

I want to help them, but I also have a life and I worked hard to be entitled to a better way of living now.

I think the only option open to you is to detach yourself from them in as many ways as you can, while living your life with their mother. Whenever it comes down to them needing your money, just shake your head.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Im not sure if my story will be of any benefit to the op as my story is the exact opposite of his.

My ex-wife has 2 daughters who are 19 and 20 years old. When I first got together with their mother they were 8 and 9 years old and narak mahk. I used to take them to school and pick them up from school on my motor cycle. I was always the one to have the time for them as their mother was always busy and their father had another woman who they did not like.

I got a divorce from their mother a year and a half ago but I am still close to the girls. Both are attending university and most of the funds come from me although their father is starting to make a contribution. The girls still come to stay with me from time to time and they want to look after me when I can no longer look after myself.

I still treat them as my daughters and could not be prouder of them.

Girls are different and not comparable to boys.

Girls don't hate you for having sex with their mom.

[harrry]

It is no use talking to them Costas. They do not speak the same language and by that I do no not mean Greek I mean teenage boys grunts.

All you can do is help you wife with them and try not to blow up too many times. Often these things do work out in the end but it takes about 20 more years.

I think all you can do is maintain and strengthen the relationship with your wife, and hope.

[MobileContent]

I raised once 5 step-kids for 19 years and I would never ever do it again. On the end you will hear you are not my father after bringing three of them through ISB in Bangkok.

Never ever again will I take someone's kid again. Now I have my own 2 year old son.

[harrry]

I raised once 5 step-kids for 19 years and I would never ever do it again. On the end you will hear you are not my father after bringing three of them through ISB in Bangkok.

Never ever again will I take someone's kid again. Now I have my own 2 year old son.

in 17 years you will hear the same from him.

[JacChang]

Costas

As much as we would like to change other people, you will need to take a different approach. And the ages you have given doesn't help either!! At that age, they are just monsters I tell you, complete rebels, immortal, dare to defy anything. But if you succeed, you will definitely get the best dad award seriously, not an easy task.

That aside, I don't know your past approaches to them. But I am guessing, it's always you trying to get close to them. While we are adults, this is usually the path we take. We try to fit in with them, we keep offering them stuff, we invite them for activities and so on, but this only fuels their "teenage rebellious" attitude.

Turn the tables around. They need you.

How you do this is completely up to you. Where are their allowances? Are you the one giving to them? Your wife must comply with you, she can't give them behind your back. It must come from you. How are they travelling to school? Are you driving and sending them off?

Take all these luxuries that a "DAD" provides, and start with nil. If they have never tasted dust, they would never understand the importance of you. They will never appreciate you. While basic necessities should be provided, they can be adjusted. What foods do they like? GONE. Cook their nastiest food they like. Your wife will be an important role in this case, she must be the negotiator. She must tell the kids. "If you don't like it, try go beg "kor" daddy for etc."

How you implement this is completely up to you. Cut all internet? Should you be in the house during this week or will it cause anger? Because you have to deal with it the right way, not to implement anger or conflict, but to let them know, they need you in life. Since kids rely on internet so much these days, there is two outcomes to this. 1) You are opposing them so you cut off the internet, so they hate you even more. 2) Without you, there would be no internet access, because of permission and money. I want you to do the 2) part. And this applies to all, etc. food clothing allowances.

Make them come to you, not the other way around.

Best of luck, it is tough, not an easy battle.

You might even need to make a fake argument with your wife and let her know beforehand with the kids at home. Argument is "The kids hate me, I can't live here, I am leaving for a few days." Once ur gone, wife has to cancel everything (internet,tv,etc. no more allowances for kids, eat lousy food, no cookies). Argument is not shouting type, just calm sad one, but make sure your kids hear it. Wife may need to repeat how much she loves you and needs you in her life. Children will always be connected to their mother, and her words are very important, of her acceptance of you and her need for you in life. Then with guilt, their children with empathy for the mom's "loss", will accept you just because of their mother.

Good luck mate.

[Gecko123]

Costas2008:

I really feel where you're coming from, and thank you for sharing your story.

For some reason, I have had great success raising my daughter and mentoring her 4 female cousins, but I am really in the dark about how to bond with Thai boys. I have taught for many years and I can totally relate to that feeling that it is almost impossible to bond with some of the boys. I wish I could offer you some profound insights, but I just don't know of any.

The thing which would keep me up at night isn't so much what to do on summer break, but what's going to happen when they matriculate from high school, or stop attending school. In my experience, the shit can really hit the fan if the boys don't have any direction in their lives. Some start selling drugs (and quickly get busted and come back home after a stint in the penitentary.) Others get married or get some girl pregnant. Nobody has any money, so they all end up living with Mom and Dad. Some of these kids can vegetate around the house for years. That sounds like a nightmare you want to try and avoid at all costs.

One suggestion about what to do on school break is rent somewhere by the beach for a month. They can do their thing, you and your wife can have a little vacation. Meet up at supper time, but give them plenty of room. When I read that you have tried talking to them until you're blue in the face, it made me think that sometimes you just have to let the kid come to you. If they never do, so be it. But, again, I'd start focusing on what's going to happen post-graduation and make sure these two kids don't become permanent fixtures around the house. Start pressing them to come up with a post-graduation plan.

[MobileContent]

I raised once 5 step-kids for 19 years and I would never ever do it again. On the end you will hear you are not my father after bringing three of them through ISB in Bangkok.

Never ever again will I take someone's kid again. Now I have my own 2 year old son.

in 17 years you will hear the same from him.

Don't think so but any way he is at least my child. BTW My 5 step kids were not Thai's but Singaporeans.