Advice re the inlaws

[advancebooking]

I got married this year and we just had a baby which is still in special care at the hospital. I have to say that the mother in law has been really helpful / supportive this week and thus feel bad about the family whinge below. To be honest Im raising this thread re my wifes older brother who has not liked me from the start.

He has a strange dominating personality and is 30 years old. Im in my 40s and have actually done a lot with my life thus far and I find it hard being told what to do by this guy. He was distinctly unfriendly the first time we met and made me look a bit stupid in front of his parents. Then at my wedding he tried to tell me what to do and I ignored him. 20 min later we were outside and he grabbed me on my arm and squeezed it hard- asking me to walk somewhere with him. An hour later we were in the car and I was in the back seat and he was in the drivers seat and I slapped him very hard on his shoulder telling him to start driving. I needed to send him a message not to fxxx with me.

After the wedding I told my wife about the incident and I think that she might have had words. A week later I saw him again and it was all ok. But then today everyone is back at my house and he did another arm grabbing incident. It wasn't hard as last time but it was another game on his part because I believe that my wife might have told him months ago not to do that to me again. There were several examples today but most notably was his suggestion to leave the baby cot in the lounge room as it has more ventilation. My wife was not around at the time but the other inlaws were. They were all agreeing with him and I assertively told them all no way. The baby is sleeping in our room for the first 6 months at least. Then he was trying to give other opinions which did not make sense and I said no again. Its duly noted that he does not have any kids himself.

Tomorrow I plan to go and see him at the inlaws house and have a word to him- as he is here the whole weekend (thankfully he does not live in this town). I am going to sit him down and tell him Im too old for games and too old to be told what to do. I am also going to state that if he ever grabs my arm again I could get violent. He needs to know this. Im not sure if this is the best way to handle this situation. I dont know if I should do it in front of my wife or her parents but suspect it should just be a private discussion between him and me. I need to tell this guy to stop telling me what to do and stop playing gaems.

Ive read on this forum many times that a thai girl will always choose her family over a farang. I dont want to cause issues here but this guy is weird. The younger brother in his twenties is completely normal and friendly and we get on so well.

I realise a lot of members here have lived a long time and thus I would appreciate your opinion. I feel a bit ratty anytime Im around this guy because he is just an idiot. . I would prefer that he did not come to our house to be honest. Background info is that they are all middle to upper class thai folk

I would appreciate your opinion if your willing and able.

thanks

[mrtoad]

Are you sure he is the brother?

[RolandRat]

Have a word by all means, but violence or the threat of it is wrong.

Dont give him the satisfaction by responding to his petty comments or gestures, completely blank him, that will have much more effect.

BUT, if he puts his hands on you again after your "chat", respond hard and fast.

Edited October 18, 2014 by RolandRat

[Amusements]

Are you sure he is the brother?

Exactly what I was wondering, and so will many others. A real brother would be supportive and understanding of their sister, and would be making an effort on your part.

[patrick1968]

talking is not a solution some time,, if you know what I mean ,,,,had the same problems ,,,, now his ok , but that was me every one have different handling for situation like that ,, good luck mate ..

[Opl]

My opinion is that you don't need to tell or explain that you are too old for this kind of "game" , he knows it and trespasses the limits of the respect a younger person should show to an older one.

This person is toxic, don't touch him, don't let him touch you, just move to avoid physical contact, don't sit next to him, you need to control your physical space

When he tells you what to do, ask your wife what her opinion is, as a thai person, avoid direct confrontation.

In the end, let your in-laws understand by themselves step by step: you don't want to have to interact with the brother.

Be polite , and try to be indifferent, then ignore him.

There should be no competition between you and him, because you're not on the same level, don't care.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Opl

[benalibina]

Let your wife deal again with it. The way how she handles it 2nd time will show you if blood is indeed thicker than water. The result will tell you...again...alot more about your position in her life. I hope for you and your newborn that she handles it properly. If not.....move on quickly.

[AYJAYDEE]

ignore him. he doesnt live in your town and you dont have to go anywhere near him. if he grabs you , tell him to stop it.

[Gecko123]

OP:

Very weird and atypical behavior for a Thai guy, especially a "brother."

Also very scary. This guy sounds like he could have an explosive temper or mental problems.

Steer very clear of him until visibility improves.

[krisb]

It's a bit of a myth thinking Thai girls will stick by her family before her Western husband.

If she loves you, and her brother is in the wrong, she will stick by you.

I'd sit the brother down and have a good chat man to man.

Get it all out in the open, sort out whatever issues there are.

You never know, you may turn out to be best mates before you know it.

[georgemandm]

Hi not sure but I would stay away from him you see I have from day one told my thai no one is to come to my home when I am in the village and they all stay away some times the mother come over but not for long and her father will come pass for 5 mins every 4 days and I give the old man some food but all the rest say away from my home you see I think you have to lay the law down from the start and you are ok but if you let your thai lady diktat to you from the start you are gone not saying your wife dose but I am saying most thai wife like to be the boss I have seen it here they do it with there thai husband and have read about it on the net keep away from him or you could end up 6 ft under if you no what I mean best of luck .

[weegee]

Whatever you do....dont lower yourself to his level, he will beat you with experience..(taken from a quote from another avatar, but very true...

[beachproperty]

All good advice given so far.

My question/thought is ....Do you speak Thai? Does the brother speak english?

Only asking because I've been here 10 years and can only speak a little Thai (I know ...doesn't say much for me...but I try) ...AND most Thai's don't speak English.....point is, having a serious conversation with the brother in law would be pointless in my case.

As for grabbing you.....you have allowed him to do this to you on 3 occaisions (if not more) AND drive you somewhere after putting you in the back seat (sounds like a hit is going to happen!).....Personally agressive touching is a "no-no" to me and I would have dealt with that trait of his on the first instance...

Oh well....not sure what you should do now as I don't have all the info ....but you have let it go on too long ...let the wife deal with it unless he gets "aggressive" (arm grabbing) with you again (Pull away agressively and let him know touching you is "off-limits!")

Good luck whatever you do....and good health to your baby

Edited October 19, 2014 by beachproperty

[n210mp]

IMO

This man has a problem with you.

Whether you have said, done something that maybe has upset him will not come to the front if you both are posturing.

My advice would be to arrange a meeting with him and in the presence of your wife and hold out your hand or Wai in a warm and friendly way and ask if you have said or done something wrong that is causing the obvious problem between you and him.

Explain through your wife that you want the to be happy with all the family and if you have done something that He is taking offence at you want to know what it is and then can put it right.

You need to show him and the family that you do not wish this problem to go on and on and that you are prepared to be the bigger man in stopping all aggressive behaviour and acting as a peace maker.

[ATF]

Get him some Prozac.

[Morakot]

Straight forward. Tell him that he's Nong and you're Pee!

Make sure you continue to address him as Nong and remind him to keep his beak shut.

Refrain from getting drawn into any physical contact altercation.

Edited October 19, 2014 by Morakot

[swissie]

This is where the Thai-Wife should have entered the scene a long time ago and act as a mediator. Man to man talk as we understand it, is not even done among Thais. It always is settled by a mediator. (In serious cases by the Village-Chief).

If Thai-Wife refuses to take part in this process, OP should start some background research as far as the "older brother" is concerned.

Cheers.

[sipi]

He is weird.

Talk to him, via your wife through your wifes parents.

It sounds complicated; but what I am saying is: Get the wife and her parents onboard, in a non-confrontational way, and talk about it.

He needs to be put in his place; and your wife and her parents can do it better than you can.

[n210mp]

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Straight forward. Tell him that he's Nong and you're Pee!

Make sure you continue to address him as Nong and remind him to keep his beak shut.

Refrain from getting drawn into any physical contact altercation.

He is weird.

Talk to him, via your wife through your wifes parents.

It sounds complicated; but what I am saying is: Get the wife and her parents onboard, in a non-confrontational way, and talk about it.

He needs to be put in his place; and your wife and her parents can do it better than you can.

No disrespect to the OP but there are always two sides to a story and until the OP finds out what is the cause of this problem it is useless apportioning any blame or considering the behaviour of the other guy to be bad or offensive.

once you know what is upsetting him you may feel that he has the right to be upset and offended and then you can act accordingly in attempting to make matters right.

Anyone who has married into atypical Thai family knows that there will be loads of communication errors and problems resulting in people getting the wrong idea, hurt feelings and the like.

At the end of the day He may be just a Jackass but going the gentle way will give you great respect from those looking on who may well appreciate your intentions in trying to be fair and freindly

Confrontation is not the done thing in these circumstances.

[advancebooking]

Thanks for the replies. He came over to our house and I later asked him outside with a drink in hand and we had a chat.

He speaks ok English and I think he managed to understand that he has been annoying me. He told me that he did not have intent to cause this problem. I asked him to basically modify his behaviour and stop telling me what to do. Actually as soon as he arrived he did the usual giving advice and giving us tips about the house. My wife and I looked at each other.... He is one of these annoying guys who think that they know everything and offer advice even if the recipient does not ask. Will see how it goes in the future.

[nottocus]

Sounds like he's a special kind of "brother".

[beachproperty]

He is one of these annoying guys who think that they know everything and offer advice even if the recipient does not ask..

Maybe you should tell your brother-in-law about Thai Visa....he sounds like a perfect fit!

[swissie]

Thanks for the replies. He came over to our house and I later asked him outside with a drink in hand and we had a chat.

He speaks ok English and I think he managed to understand that he has been annoying me. He told me that he did not have intent to cause this problem. I asked him to basically modify his behaviour and stop telling me what to do. Actually as soon as he arrived he did the usual giving advice and giving us tips about the house. My wife and I looked at each other.... He is one of these annoying guys who think that they know everything and offer advice even if the recipient does not ask. Will see how it goes in the future.

He is giving you Tips about the house ??? Alarm bells must start ringing by now. Could it be that the "brother" intends to live in the finished house and not you? Before you lay another brick, you must find out about the status of the brother within the family.

Unless you are fluent in Thai, you need outside help. Best way would be to engage a Farang friend and his THAI-WIFE (in no way related or otherwise connected to the family in question). I am sure she could discreetly provide relevant facts in no time at all.

Cheers.

[scoutman360]

My advice would be to arrange a meeting with him and in the presence of your wife and hold out your hand or Wai in a warm and friendly way and ask if you have said or done something wrong that is causing the obvious problem between you and him.

No, no, no. Sorry, but that means subservience, and Thai's will not respect you. I recommend the opposite. Next time you smile, and politely tell him to stay away from your wife and your business. If he grabs your arm, you grab his back more tightly and tell him to behave himself. You are higher society than him. He knows it.

[n210mp]

My advice would be to arrange a meeting with him and in the presence of your wife and hold out your hand or Wai in a warm and friendly way and ask if you have said or done something wrong that is causing the obvious problem between you and him.

No, no, no. Sorry, but that means subservience, and Thai's will not respect you. I recommend the opposite. Next time you smile, and politely tell him to stay away from your wife and your business. If he grabs your arm, you grab his back more tightly and tell him to behave himself. You are higher society than him. He knows it.

Sorry, sorry but Absolute claptrap!

Read post 20#

The OP showed maturity and diplomacy and now at least they are communicating with each other.

There are morons that have to be tolerated in many families, just the same as they are tolerated on this forum

NB and I am definitely not referring to you Scoutman

Edited October 21, 2014 by n210mp

[blue eyes]

Thanks for the replies. He came over to our house and I later asked him outside with a drink in hand and we had a chat.

He speaks ok English and I think he managed to understand that he has been annoying me. He told me that he did not have intent to cause this problem. I asked him to basically modify his behaviour and stop telling me what to do. Actually as soon as he arrived he did the usual giving advice and giving us tips about the house. My wife and I looked at each other.... He is one of these annoying guys who think that they know everything and offer advice even if the recipient does not ask. Will see how it goes in the future.

He is giving you Tips about the house ??? Alarm bells must start ringing by now. Could it be that the "brother" intends to live in the finished house and not you? Before you lay another brick, you must find out about the status of the brother within the family.

Unless you are fluent in Thai, you need outside help. Best way would be to engage a Farang friend and his THAI-WIFE (in no way related or otherwise connected to the family in question). I am sure she could discreetly provide relevant facts in no time at all.

Cheers.

Find the blue book for the parents home and see who has lived there and which ones are the brothers and sisters.It is a running recored of who lived in the parents home in the past and present.That should give you the names of all brothers and sisters of your wife.If they did live with the parents.Do not confront the guy in front of other people.Losing face for him would probably not be a good thing for you.Like someone else said is he really a brother or old /ongoing boyfriend?

[AZBill]

Sounds like there are some things your wife may not have told you about!

[Gracas]

This "Brother" problem you have is very strange.

"Unfriendly / Grabbed me by the arm / Put me in a car and took me somewhere / Giving tips around the house / etc." ???

Sounds like a take charge kind of guy and not a typical brother-in-law guest at your house.

And now you want to "have a word". &lt;deleted&gt; I think its time to show him the door and tell him to hit the road.

There is more to this than what you even know.

[lovelaos]

Straight forward. Tell him that he's Nong and you're Pee!

Make sure you continue to address him as Nong and remind him to keep his beak shut.

Refrain from getting drawn into any physical contact altercation.

This is the correct answer if you want to survive in Thailand. Unfortunately, EVERYTHING is about respect and hierarchy. The longer you are here the more you will understand this. Kindness is a sign of weakness.

[Morakot]

Straight forward. Tell him that he's Nong and you're Pee!

Make sure you continue to address him as Nong and remind him to keep his beak shut.

Refrain from getting drawn into any physical contact altercation.

This is the correct answer if you want to survive in Thailand. Unfortunately, EVERYTHING is about respect and hierarchy. The longer you are here the more you will understand this. Kindness is a sign of weakness.

I'm sure there are many kind people, but this particular person the OP is speaking of seems to be a bad apple.