My Ex-GF has got cancer - Should i help? What to do?

[inventorinthailand]

Hi,

In March this year 2014 me and my ex-Thai-GF since 4 year broke up after a fight. We have always had a passionate loving relationship. People around us was telling us that we were like teenagers. She 33 and me 45. In May we got together again and we had a wonderful time together and all felt perfect and we had no fights what so ever.

She has a genuine good heart and has always been careful with money and never asked for any expensive toys, gold or anything.

Betrayal

In October this year, i got home after my usual 3 weeks a month trip to China. I had got me a new customer and wanted to celebrate that and had bought her a new 25K smartphone as she desperately needed a new phone. She asked me to install her old Skype to it. When i did, numerous messages popped up from a 41-year-old Norweigan guy who she apparently had been chatting with for a while. I did examine it further (i have never checked her phone or computer before as i'm not a jealous guy) and found that she had been chatting with him for at least 3 month and that they had met each other a few times during his 10 days holiday here in Thailand. Words in chat from both of them looked like "I miss you sooo much" I want to see you again" "thanks for the photos" "You are so beautiful" etc. And the last message was posted the day before i got back home.

She has always been a timid and shy girl so this was really not her style. As you can understand, this relationship was game over from my side and she was kicked out. After this, she has tried really hard to make me forget this, but not asking me to take her back, but just forgive her and hate her.

I headed back to China for work and last time i got home she used her own key after i had refused to open the door for her. She said she wanted to talk. And we talked and cried for the whole night and had sex. Next day i told her that i will never forget what she did behind my back and that she should leave, which she did.

Cancer

Next day i found her drunk (he never drink otherwise) we had a new fight and suddenly she told me that she was diagnosed with ovary cancer at a clinic at her home town in Issan 6 month earlier in April and that it had spread to her intestines and was untreatable according to that doctor.

Future

What should i do? Im fairly financially strong and could help her. She refuses though. She is asking me to forget her and absolute not to tell any of my or her friends or anyone, especially not her sister and mum. I threaten to tell her sister if she did not go to a real hospital as Pattaya Bangkok hospital for a second opinion and she accepted. And she has been there today and new samples been taken. Results will arrive within a week.

But what about then? I love here over anything, but i still cant forget her betrayal. Her explanation is that she felt terrible cause the death sentence and that we earlier had broken up (but got together again) and that i was in China, and there was this Norwegian "friendly" person who made here feel alive again... I don't hink they had sex as she is too shy to jump in bed so quick. But that would have been easier to forgive than the words "I miss you sooo much" to him numerous times during three month.

She never thinks or plans for the future. Almost like she knows that she is going to die in a near future. I have thought about this odd behavior since we met. She don't want to work or study, not even learn about how to help me with my thai companys administration. Her only wish is to stay home and care about home and get children. We have tried to get pregnant for more than 2 years without any results. She tried to get pregnant before with here ex-thai-bf, but it hasn't worked either.

Im 45-years-old. I have no children, but i want. I have spent my whole life on my career but im ready both mentally and financially to get kids and build a family. She will never be able to get pregnant, nor support my future career or make one for herself. I forced myself to see, after the first horrible shock, the positive thing in this betrayal with the Norwegian, New life and new opportunities will arrice. But i feel so sad for her. Without my help she will die soon for sure...

Thanks for reading. All comments are appreciated...

Edited November 18, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[harrry]

I think she made that choice as far as relationship.She is still a person with needs however and if you are in a position to help her, particuarly in getting proper hospital pain control when it is needed if the situation is as you say it may be a nice thing to do.

Edited November 18, 2014 by harrry

[Costas2008]

OP, whatever your feelings, whatever she has done to you, support her morally.

She needs you desperately in her suffering, g/f or no g/f she is a human being like you.

Don't ignore her don't let her down.

You will regret it for the rest of your life.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Costas2008

[ttthailand]

Sorry, I could not forget the " I miss you soooo much ". . Game over !

[frollywolly]

She is dying. You still love her. You have the means to offer assistance.

[inventorinthailand]

I was not allowed to edit the first post:

She never thinks or plans for the future. It is almost like she has known from the first i met her that she was going to die in a near future. I have thought about this odd behavior since we met. She don't want to work or study, not even learn about how to help me with my thai companys administration. Her only wish is to stay home and care about home and get children. We have tried to get pregnant for more than 2 years without any results. She tried to get pregnant before with here ex-thai-bf, but it did not worked either.

Im 45-years-old. I have no children, but i want to have children now. I have spent my whole life on my career but im ready both mentally and financially to get kids and build a family. She will never be able to get pregnant, nor support my future career or make one for herself. I forced myself to see, after the first horrible shock, the positive thing in this betrayal with the Norwegian, New life and new opportunities will arrice. But i feel so sad for her. Without my help she will die soon for sure...

It hurts so much to see or think about what she did behind my back, so helping her morally will be unbearable. I can help her financially though.

Edited November 18, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[cdmtdm]

take her to a farang hospital by yourself , get the necessary test done , have them translated or explained to you in detail ...then decide your action plan , only you can decide what to do , it will be you who has to live with your decision ....

[theguyfromanotherforum]

Let me tell you this.

My first Thai girlfriend was living in Canada and when we came to Bangkok for a visit she was complaining of a pain inside.... you know what. It turned she had a stage 1 cancer which was fortunately removed. There was possibility I (or some other guy) gave her cancer by transferring the HPV virus to her which her immune system did not handle very well.

My current (only second, so I don't have a lot of experience) Thai girlfriend won't even consider having her insides tested for cancer. I was very open, told her about what happen to my ex, how easy Thai women get cancer because they refused to get tested.... heck even her best friend died of cancer a year ago at 29. No.... she refuses to go to a hospital. Her insurance will pay for any hospital and even if it did not I would.I told her flat out it is her stupidity and if something happens I refuse to get involved. Do not count on me.

<deleted> it.... I got plenty of my own shit to deal with.

[Mobi]

The sad fact remains that most Thai women are amoral and whilst they know they are doing wrong by being unfaithful, so many of them do it that they tend to regard it as a minor rather than a major indiscretion.

I know that many farangs will not agree with me, but in my many, many years of living with, and amongst Thais from all social classes, that has been my personal experience.

That does not mean that you cannot find a girl who will always be 100% faithful to their husbands, but I reckon for the vast majority - given the right circumstances and opportunity - they will indulge in the occasional brief affair, and they really do not think they are being so bad. It also doesn't mean that they do not care deeply about their husbands. It really is a case of, 'what the eye doesn't see...'

And let's be honest, how many farangs in Thailand have never been unfaithful to their Thai wives? Not many I venture to guess.

Having said all that, I can completely agree with any husband should he decide to throw out an unfaithful wife, and I have done it myself - more than once. Us westerners have slightly different moral standards and expectations, and if we find it impossible to carry on living with an unfaithful wife, then so be it.

As far as the OP is concerned I have every sympathy. If he felt he had to end the marriage then I would support him in this decision.

But ending a marriage and ending a friendship are two different things. You have shared so many years and intimate moments with her that it would be churlish to throw all that away, just because the marriage has ended. Personally I remained friends with all my wives bar one after my marriages were over, and if any of them needed help, within reason I would try to oblige.

Certainly if one of my ex wives had cancer and asked for help, I would try to do so if I had sufficient resources. I certainly wouldn't put my own standard of living at risk to help an ex, but I would do what I could - the same as I would do for any good friend.

In the end it is up to the OP. Do what you feel is right and what you think you can live with after she has gone

P.S. Please double check that she is telling you the truth about this illness.....

[Aussieroaming]

Do whatever your own heart tells you is right...sometimes being seen as a sucker is a small price to pay for helping someone and feeling good about it. Helping her doesn't mean you need to be In love with her..after all she has been deceitful.

[zzdocxx]

Remember she has the Norwegian guy who also cares for her, maybe he can help too.

What documentation of her condition have you seen ?

[Tolley]

Call me a cynic but until I saw the paperwork re the cancer I tend not to believe it considering Thai women will do all most anything not to get dumped often resorting to all sorts of emotional blackmail.

If you really love her and what she says is true then by all means try to help her but ultimately if she doesn't want any treatment that decision is hers.

BTW I wouldn't be so prudish if I loved a woman if she had had a minor moral lapse I would forgive her rather than lose her.

[inventorinthailand]

Remember she has the Norwegian guy who also cares for her, maybe he can help too.

What documentation of her condition have you seen ?

The Norwegian guy is married to a Thai back in Norway. I found both him and her on FB. My GF has no interest in him according to her. He was just someone who made her feel appreciated at moment of despair.

As she does not offer any future what so ever in terms of children, her own career or supporting my career. I'm paying lawyers big money for things she should be able to learn to handle, but there is no will from her side. Adding her betrayal makes it even more difficult. I have been living in Thailand for more than 12 years and she is probably the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, and i think it is her looks combine with here shyness, the non-fading passionate love and her respect for money that made me "trapped" in this relationship.

I will probably support her treatment financially, But i will keep my distance emotionally..... But that may kill her will or power to accept the treatment though as she will totally alon as she refuse to tell anyone.

She went to Bangkok Pattaya hospital yesterday and she emailed me the receipt after. In 7-days we will get the answer.

Edited November 19, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[zzdocxx]

she told me that she was diagnosed with ovary cancer at a clinic at her home town in Issan 6 month earlier in April and that it had spread to her intestines and was untreatable according to that doctor.

Reports?

She went to Bangkok Pattaya hospital yesterday and she emailed me the receipt after. In 7-days we will get the answer.

I'm paying lawyers big money for things she should be able to learn to handle, but there is no will from her side.

Don't understand this. And how much money are we talking about here ?

[BritManToo]

take her to a farang hospital by yourself , get the necessary test done , have them translated or explained to you in detail ...then decide your action plan , only you can decide what to do , it will be you who has to live with your decision ....

I agree,

Sounds like she is a serial scammer and the 'cancer' is just another lie to keep you sending money.

And you sound a little bit gullible OP.

Don't believe a word she says, or any document passed to you through her. Photoshop is easy to use.

Did I mention,

Thai government hospitals do a very good job treating cancer, and entirely free of charge.

Might be a bit iffy in rural areas, but near the bigger cities, generally better job than the NHS.

Q: Why is she going private, when she has no money?

A: Because it's a scam.

Edited November 19, 2014 by BritManToo

[Sheryl]

She can indeed get free treatment -- adequate free treatment -- through a government hospital.

If the cancer has already spread then it is a terminal diagnois with or without your help.

Assuming the story is true (which should not be automatically assumed), then what she needs from you is simply moral support, as a friend. If she is instead asking or hinting for financial help I would seriously doubt the whole story.

[Kitsune]

You don't know if this cancer thing is true or not. She 's trying to get you back and it would not be her first lie, and it is very strange that she chose to keep it quiet from her close family.

[colinneil]

Something like cancer! Thai women would not keep quiet about it to her family!!

Thai people can get good care at hospital FREE. Be careful do not belive every thing you are told.

[meatboy]

sorry to be so harsh,but you said she was diagnosed with cancer in a clinic in her home town ISSAN.

so whats she doing down in patts.

dont fall for it until you know for yourself,forget the receipt and confirmation according to her its already been confirmed.

12yrs.in thailand then you should know some are the best actors in the world.

[inventorinthailand]

Im not native English so i might have been unclear. The first report is in her hometown. I sent her to BKK hospital for a second opinion. Cost 3400 baht.

The other with the lawyer was to explaining her unwillingness to learn and develop for the future.

take her to a farang hospital by yourself , get the necessary test done , have them translated or explained to you in detail ...then decide your action plan , only you can decide what to do , it will be you who has to live with your decision ....

I agree,

Sounds like she is a serial scammer and the 'cancer' is just another lie to keep you sending money.

And you sound a little bit gullible OP.

Don't believe a word she says, or any document passed to you through her. Photoshop is easy to use.

Did I mention,

Thai government hospitals do a very good job treating cancer, and entirely free of charge.

Might be a bit iffy in rural areas, but near the bigger cities, generally better job than the NHS.

Q: Why is she going private, when she has no money?

A: Because it's a scam.

You might have a bad experience with thai people or being around wrong folks. But i have been living here for 12 consecutive years and i would say ordinary Thais are no better or worse than others. As i wrote earlier, she has been at BKK hospital for a second opinion and i got the receipt at 3400 baht. The "free" hospital does NOT cure any cancer, just medicaments to ease the pain nas symptomes. Her sister died of cancer last year and got no treatment worth the name (cancer on her fathers side who died very young, mum got remarried and got my GF) .

She can indeed get free treatment -- adequate free treatment -- through a government hospital.

If the cancer has already spread then it is a terminal diagnois with or without your help.

Assuming the story is true (which should not be automatically assumed), then what she needs from you is simply moral support, as a friend. If she is instead asking or hinting for financial help I would seriously doubt the whole story.

As i wrote before she has always been carefull with money, no exception now. Her sister died last year and she did not ask for one baht from me.

Edited November 20, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[inventorinthailand]

You don't know if this cancer thing is true or not. She 's trying to get you back and it would not be her first lie, and it is very strange that she chose to keep it quiet from her close family.

Not so strange if you know Thais. She feel shame and don't want to be of any one's burden. Her 70-year-old mum has just lost a daughter last year.

Something like cancer! Thai women would not keep quiet about it to her family!!

Thai people can get good care at hospital FREE. Be careful do not belive every thing you are told.

Not so strange if you know Thais. Read above

sorry to be so harsh,but you said she was diagnosed with cancer in a clinic in her home town ISSAN.

so whats she doing down in patts.

dont fall for it until you know for yourself,forget the receipt and confirmation according to her its already been confirmed.

12yrs.in thailand then you should know some are the best actors in the world.

We will get the result next week and will have a meeting with the doctor.

Edited November 20, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[meatboy]

i dont understand why you sent her to bkk.pattaya hospital for a second opinion.there's one in korat and i would there's many more in issan.so your goner be with her at a meeting with the doctor,how can you book a meeting when she hasnt had the result of the second opinion. i just hope its not a scam,i have over 30yrs.under my belt of thailand so listern to what sheryl tells you and let her know what comes of this pre-arranged meeting.

what bar is it at.

[inventorinthailand]

i dont understand why you sent her to bkk.pattaya hospital for a second opinion.there's one in korat and i would there's many more in issan.so your goner be with her at a meeting with the doctor,how can you book a meeting when she hasnt had the result of the second opinion. i just hope its not a scam,i have over 30yrs.under my belt of thailand so listern to what sheryl tells you and let her know what comes of this pre-arranged meeting.

what bar is it at.

Cause i live in Sattahip and her first testing was made in a small clinic at her hometown which is far from here. Surely the meeting will occur after the test results are in, i thought that was obvious. But again, my English might not be clear enough. She is now staying in a guest room in my apartment till the results are in. After that, we will see what will happen.

Edited November 20, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[realenglish1]

This is a decision of the heart. If you feel you wan to help then help make sure of the diagnosis and make a game plan if it makes you happy

[Thai Travel Bug]

Ahh, a slight discrepancy, haven't we all made them. Life is short, and now unfortunately, hers may be shorter than you expected. By all accounts, she is a good girl, she made a mistake, but was that whilst you were separated? Arguments, tiffs, call them what you like, we all have them. If you cared about her for the last 4 years, and loved her through the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears, don't stop caring now. Ovarian cancer is a cruel, and usually fatal disease. She sounds like a great girl who lost control of herself during a fleeting time of separation, and this is not unusual. We live for a good time, not a long time, and if I were you, and if I had truly ever loved her I would indeed help. Trust, hurt my feelings, can never trust her again, so on and so forth. We don't live long enough to be in two minds about who we help and who we dont, just because they fell out of our bed. She has done more good for you than any pain she may have caused, she has never asked for anything, and you had four great years. Help her out. In reality she was almost a part of your family, and she was a good person. What has changed except for a bruised heart and a slightly battered ego. Nothing!!!!

[macca3248]

"Bullshit "

[rethaier]

Check out Dr. Siomoncini and check out the Baking Soda Protocol. You can google both.

[inventorinthailand]

She can indeed get free treatment -- adequate free treatment -- through a government hospital.

If the cancer has already spread then it is a terminal diagnois with or without your help.

Assuming the story is true (which should not be automatically assumed), then what she needs from you is simply moral support, as a friend. If she is instead asking or hinting for financial help I would seriously doubt the whole story.

I had to look up the word "adequate" as i'm not sure if neither you or I possess the correct understanding of the word "adequate". Im not native English so i had my doubts.

1. as much or as good as necessary for some requirement or purpose;fully sufficient, suitable, or fit (often followed by to or for):

This car is adequate to our needs. adequate food for fifty people.

2.

barely sufficient or suitable:

Being adequate is not good enough.

The "free" hospital treatment does not cure any cancer, they just subscribe medicaments to ease the pain and symptoms. at least for her sister who died of cancer last year and got no treatment worth the name. My GF¨s sisters family may have receive what you call "adequate treatment" but her husband was forced to mortgaged their land and house as a last resort to get a sufficient treatment..".. So the word "adequate" seems to mean barely sufficient..... I would be happy to do better than that.

Edited November 20, 2014 by inventorinthailand

[ScottMallon]

Hi,

In March this year 2014 me and my ex-Thai-GF since 4 year broke up after a fight. We have always had a passionate loving relationship. People around us was telling us that we were like teenagers. She 33 and me 45. In May we got together again and we had a wonderful time together and all felt perfect and we had no fights what so ever.

She has a genuine good heart and has always been careful with money and never asked for any expensive toys, gold or anything.

Betrayal

In October this year, i got home after my usual 3 weeks a month trip to China. I had got me a new customer and wanted to celebrate that and had bought her a new 25K smartphone as she desperately needed a new phone. She asked me to install her old Skype to it. When i did, numerous messages popped up from a 41-year-old Norweigan guy who she apparently had been chatting with for a while. I did examine it further (i have never checked her phone or computer before as i'm not a jealous guy) and found that she had been chatting with him for at least 3 month and that they had met each other a few times during his 10 days holiday here in Thailand. Words in chat from both of them looked like "I miss you sooo much" I want to see you again" "thanks for the photos" "You are so beautiful" etc. And the last message was posted the day before i got back home.

She has always been a timid and shy girl so this was really not her style. As you can understand, this relationship was game over from my side and she was kicked out. After this, she has tried really hard to make me forget this, but not asking me to take her back, but just forgive her and hate her.

I headed back to China for work and last time i got home she used her own key after i had refused to open the door for her. She said she wanted to talk. And we talked and cried for the whole night and had sex. Next day i told her that i will never forget what she did behind my back and that she should leave, which she did.

Cancer

Next day i found her drunk (he never drink otherwise) we had a new fight and suddenly she told me that she was diagnosed with ovary cancer at a clinic at her home town in Issan 6 month earlier in April and that it had spread to her intestines and was untreatable according to that doctor.

Future

What should i do? Im fairly financially strong and could help her. She refuses though. She is asking me to forget her and absolute not to tell any of my or her friends or anyone, especially not her sister and mum. I threaten to tell her sister if she did not go to a real hospital as Pattaya Bangkok hospital for a second opinion and she accepted. And she has been there today and new samples been taken. Results will arrive within a week.

But what about then? I love here over anything, but i still cant forget her betrayal. Her explanation is that she felt terrible cause the death sentence and that we earlier had broken up (but got together again) and that i was in China, and there was this Norwegian "friendly" person who made here feel alive again... I don't hink they had sex as she is too shy to jump in bed so quick. But that would have been easier to forgive than the words "I miss you sooo much" to him numerous times during three month.

She never thinks or plans for the future. Almost like she knows that she is going to die in a near future. I have thought about this odd behavior since we met. She don't want to work or study, not even learn about how to help me with my thai companys administration. Her only wish is to stay home and care about home and get children. We have tried to get pregnant for more than 2 years without any results. She tried to get pregnant before with here ex-thai-bf, but it hasn't worked either.

Im 45-years-old. I have no children, but i want. I have spent my whole life on my career but im ready both mentally and financially to get kids and build a family. She will never be able to get pregnant, nor support my future career or make one for herself. I forced myself to see, after the first horrible shock, the positive thing in this betrayal with the Norwegian, New life and new opportunities will arrice. But i feel so sad for her. Without my help she will die soon for sure...

Thanks for reading. All comments are appreciated...

Be strong and let her do it on her own. It's sad she's dying but she doesn't want your support and when someone betrays you like she did, she no longer is worthy of your support.

[Sheryl]

"The "free" hospital does NOT cure any cancer, just medicaments to ease the pain nas symptomes...."

The entire government hospital network, including tertiary level hospitals dedicated to the treatment of cancer, is open to her free of charge. She needs to be referred by lower level to higher, that is all. It sounds like what you are describing is a district level hospital where she is registered. Her access to free care does not end there and is not limited to what it can provide.

In Issan, there is a dedicated cancer hospitals in Ubon, and regional hospitals with capacity to treat cancer in korat and Khon Kaen. Many TV members and their families have received treatment at these places, including surgery and chemotherapy.

A small private clinic does not have the capacity to diagnose cancer let alone to determine that it is incurable. I find it hard to believe she was told this by such a facility. Possibly she was told something much more tentative ("possible mass" "might be cancer" etc) and leapt to a conclusion based on her family history and fears.

It is fine to have her go to a private hospital for initial diagnosis as it will clear the matter up more quickly but once it is clear what she has, and if it is cancer or other condition requiring costly treatment, you should assist her in navigating the government system to get the free care which is available and to which she is entitled.

there is also a government cancer hospital in Chonburi, however if she is registered at a hospital in Issan there would be some bureaucrtaic hurdles to go through to be treated there. not impossibler but would take some doing as she'd have to change her house and hospital registration.