Snakes On A Plane

[Ijustwannateach]

So, a young man calls me up and tells me he wants to see this new movie, Snakes On A Plane. I'm not so sure about it (I've read mixed reviews on the internet) but I agree to go out to the movies anyway and we'll see what's playing. I figure we can find something else better that we'll both be happy to watch.

We get to the cinema after we've both finished work. Sure enough, there are some other movies we'd rather see- but the only two that are on at anything like the right time are:

You, Me, and Dupree, (shudder, shudder), and

Snakes On A Plane.

Obviously, we only really had one choice.

We bought our tickets from the cute young feller at the ticket desk- he's the one that accidentally logged himself out of the cashier computer once and relogged in, somewhat redfaced, as we watched:

Username: CuteSexyBoy

Password: *********

We went through the (ever-increasing) opening ads, public service messages, etc. I like the new opening announcements with the little Thai and the little farang kid asking for everyone to stand up for the King's Anthem. I also like the new images being shown in many theaters: hill tribe kids, Muslims, and other minority subjects of HM smiling and laughing. The previous montages focussed too much on Bangkok Thais.

Then the movie. Well, what can I say? There were snakes on a plane.

Now, if you're familiar with snakes, you'll know that they're pretty docile creatures. If you go to a zoo with a reptile house, the most exciting thing most snakes do is: sit there. If you're lucky, one may lift its head and flick its tongue at you. Furthermore, snakes are very afraid of large animals. My father used to trudge through the swamps and forests of the Southeast with his walking stick, completely unafraid because he knew he was making so much noise any half-sane snake would be a mile away before he arrived. They do not jump out behind doors, leap across chairs, and generally chase people at higher than walking speed. But in Snakes On a Plane, they do.

Even the venomous snakes shy away from most large animals because they can't eat them and don't want to be injured by them. If they bite, they typically hold back on the venom because they know the chance of getting any food out of the deal is low. So a typical snakebite victim will take quite awhile to die after being bitten by most species. Even the most deadly will barely pay attention to you until you get within a meter or so. The larger species, which eat animals whole, take days to digest them and usually start from the feet (so if the head is still alive, it can't bite them from inside). All of these generalities count for nothing in Snakes On a Plane. We are told that because of a special pheromone (which despite inter-species differences manages to affect ALL the snakes) mating behavior was induced in the snakes. I never knew that snakes hunted down large animals suicidally during mating.

You get the point. It was so bad it was funny. I laughed my a## off for 2 hours, and my young man was completely nonplussed. During some of the same scenes in which he was hiding his eyes and gripping my hand, I simply laughed out loud. People got bitten and immediately started spouting foam and blood. A giant anaconda fell out of an overhead window and growled at everyone, before instantly devouring a human body head first. A harmless king snake posing as a coral snake "threatened" a hand in a purse. A snake "expert" character called the species on the plane (which were over half well-known American snakes) "exotic foreign animals." The passengers depressurized the plane at high altitude and did not pass out from oxygen loss or freeze to death.

If you're the type of person who can enjoy a bad movie because it's so bad, then this movie gets a strong recommendation from me. Otherwise, wait until they play it over and over again on HBO.

"Steven"

P.S. There's a bit of uncensored T&A, for the gents.

[skippybangkok]

It was a baddddddddd and stupid movie........ Dont waste ur $$

[eddy-ham]

What I want to know is how do they get on the plane?

Stay awake on the plane since the outside skin of the plane is at -60 and the rest is insulation.

How they get through the structure and into the inner interior.

Bet they don't put it on inflight entertainmment????

[ashacat]

Yeah, it doesn't sound too good.

I just read on the BBC that some "practical jokers" in the US of A released some rattlesnakes into the movie theatre whilst this film was playing!!!!

Nutters

[lampard10]

It started off as a movie about in-flight catering and was called " Steaks on a Plane" but someone goofed.

[Old Croc]

Good review Kevin. Sounds like a crap film, but is apparently acheiving cult status in the States and on the internet.

Just a few points on your expert remarks about snakes:

Snakes don't have ears and therefore can't hear you coming no matter how much noise you make. However, they are very sensitive to vibration so tread heavily.

Snakes do eat prey head first.

"Hunting and Diet: Anacondas are carnivores (meat-eaters). They mostly hunt at night (they are nocturnal). Anacondas kill by constricting (squeezing) the prey until it can no longer breathe. Sometimes they drown the prey. Like all snakes, they swallow the prey whole, head first. The anaconda's top and bottom jaws are attached to each other with stretchy ligaments, which let the snake swallow animals wider than itself. Snakes don't chew their food, they digest it with very strong acids in the snake's stomach"

[Tywais]

If you're the type of person who can enjoy a bad movie because it's so bad, then this movie gets a strong recommendation from me. Otherwise, wait until they play it over and over again on HBO.

Saw on a talk show some references to it becoming a cult classic due to its lunacy.

[Ijustwannateach]

Well, Ol' Croc, "hear" was meant colloquially. As for the head- you're right, come to think of it, regarding mice... but I was thinking of an instruction set I read once for Peace Corps workers about how to survive an anaconda attack- basically lie down and play dead- the snake starts swallowing you from the feet... when the snake reaches your knees, slit its head open with your knife... ps... always carry your knife...

[Tywais]

Well, Ol' Croc, "hear" was meant colloquially. As for the head- you're right, come to think of it, regarding mice... but I was thinking of an instruction set I read once for Peace Corps workers about how to survive an anaconda attack- basically lie down and play dead- the snake starts swallowing you from the feet... when the snake reaches your knees, slit its head open with your knife... ps... always carry your knife...

Now I remember why I turned down my Peace Corps assignment to South America.

[britmaveric]

It wasn't bad and not very realistic (could have solved the problem within 5min, but then no 90min movie), but it was fun in a campy sort of way.

[Plus]

It IS a cult classic already - check out this blog, it's hilarious

http://snakesonablog.com/

[Simmo]

I heard they censored a line here?

Something like 'this plane will go down faster than a thai hooker".

[Old Croc]

I was thinking of an instruction set I read once for Peace Corps workers about how to survive an anaconda attack- basically lie down and play dead- the snake starts swallowing you from the feet... when the snake reaches your knees, slit its head open with your knife... ps... always carry your knife...

What an incredibly idiotic instruction! Do you have to keep your legs together or does the snake organise that? Or does it go up one leg at a time? Did anyone ever try it out?

As anacondas mainly live in swamps and rivers you would probably drown if you laid down! If you encountered one on dry land and saw it before it latched on and started constricting you the best plan would be to walk/run away. They're not very fast out of water.

I've seen videos of reseachers capturing anacondas by walking through weed infested swampland and feeling for the animal with their bare feet. They then grab the snake and pull it out of the weeds, before grabbing it behind the head. Care must be taken to ensure it doesn't get coils around your body/neck.

I'll reiterate my point of view. As a devotee of nature programs such as National Geographic, I'ved watched countless devourings of prey on film by all manner of constrictors. Never once did they start from anywhere other than the head.

[kayo]

it is an iditoic instruction, but then, this coems from the same people who recommend crouching under a wooden primary school desk in case of a nuclear explosion, not forgetting to put both hands over your head.

[klrsmith]

I saw it and thought it was pretty ###### funny. I go to movies to be entertained, I don't give much thought about the realism - after all, it's Hollywood - people from that part of the world typically live in their own little fantasy land anyway.

As long as there is a lot of shooting and things blowing up, Snakes on planes eating people, or at the very least some T&A, I can stomach it - and this movie provides plenty of all three :-D

If you're interested in saving a couple of baht, you can always buy a copy from Pantip

Regards,

Kevin