A Less Common Sexual Dysfunction

[Cool Water Palace]

My problem is not the usual ED, at least not normally. I have a problem with ejaculation, and this had become more persistent over the last 3-4 years when I've had more stress, which is likely to have been a factor. It has developed from inhibited ejaculation to retarded ejaculation or anejaculation. I have always had this problem and also with establishing and maintaining relationships. The interrelationship of the 2 problems has been complicated - just like life, I suppose. When I do have sexual relations, women seem to freak out, and either play around instead or give me up.

Without going into too many details, I'm convinced that it is a psychological problem, and I see 4 ways forward.

1. Love. Aaah!

2. Surrogate partner therapy - very expensive. I did start a course in UK, but was not convinced of its likelihood of success besides the cost. I did not get straight answers to some straight questions of my concerns about the course of the therapy.

3. Specific massage techniques and exercises ('Chaap Ka Sei?). I understand these have been a feature of some Thai traditional massage, but have lapsed, and the only technique around generally seems to be to rub harder and harder until I become hot and painful. Presumably a view has grown that that 'sort of thing' belongs in the non-trad provision, and so only a few still have the necessary skills.

4. Web searches got nowhere until recently, as they all came back to an assumption that all problems were ED, and so needed Viagra, etc, which in my case may only be a minor help. I have now found a reference to an Indian consultant in Mumbai, recommending vibro-ejaculators. These are a form of the sex toy, but more elaborate with controlled frequency of application, and should be applied for up to 2 hours at a time. I'm emailing him.

A final remedy is more appropriate at the stage when fertilisation may be sought, and extraction of sperm under anaestetic is then a way to go. Vets may know more about that in their dealings with stud farms and bull breeders!

I also see junk mail and other sources of references to increasing volume of semen and/or sperm (not the same, obviously). Even if they work, they may or may not be of use when none is being produced.

Does anyone have ideas of how to address the problem, and possible sources of help, clinical or otherwise, in Bangkok? I've never knowingly met anyone with the same complaint. Anyone want to own up and meet?

I hesitated to raise this problem on this forum, as an effort on another website last year only met with jokey remarks about various establishments. I do not deny that there are women who may be able to help. I'm sure there are but finding them is another matter, without an unlimited budget!

I've been emboldened by the constructive (sorry) discussion on breast enhancement here and (perhaps less so) on penile enhancement in the ladies forum.

I should say that endocrine analysis has not found any basic deficiencies, although I would like another analysis, and that would include an up-to-date HIV test. How much in BKK?

I'm due to spend 4 weeks in Thailand during October. If anyone is able to suggest a way forward, please advise. Thanks.

[britmaveric]

Trip to Soi Yodsak???

[MyPenRye]

Cancer or enlargement of the prostate? Have you had that checked?

[sbk]

Are you hoping to have a baby and that is why you include the last option?

I would really suggest that you see a qualified doctor for this, as mypenrye suggests, it could be something more than psychological and if it is psychological a trip to the dr could rule this out.

[britmaveric]

Psychological is the most likely explanation if the truth be told - performance anxiety. Need sort things out with a professional shrink specializing in sexual dysfunction. Chok Dee!!

[Cool Water Palace]

Trip to Soi Yodsak???

A reply to replies so far before I go to bed - alone! I had to google Soi Yodsak, not having got to Pattaya yet. Found a reference in a Wikipedia article. On the other website someone suggested Barons!

Cancer or enlargement of the prostate? Have you had that checked?

Tested negative 2 years ago.

Are you hoping to have a baby and that is why you include the last option?

Yes. I very much want that soon. I also mentioned it because I found a number of references to the need to resolve this issue in some cases of infertility. I did ask a doctor (a recently trained locum) in London for a fertility test, but was refused, as it was 'not allowed on the NHS unless I'd been trying for 2-3 years with a partner.

The most intriguing reference I found was an American 'Christian' website called 'The Marriage Bed', which discusses a method to resolve the problem. Perhaps I should get it translated into Thai!! I could discuss it then in bed!

Edited September 20, 2006 by Cool Water Palace

[fxm88]

2 words: Prostate Milking

[Cool Water Palace]

2 words: Prostate Milking

I had to look that up! Wikipedia account seems to imply it's the opposite of what I need. So I'm puzzled by the suggestion, but it's interesting nonetheless.

[fxm88]

2 words: Prostate Milking

I had to look that up! Wikipedia account seems to imply it's the opposite of what I need. So I'm puzzled by the suggestion, but it's interesting nonetheless.

Hmmmm... you may be right. I guess the movie Road Trip misled me to believe it was pleasurable. However, if you're just looking to move some fluids (e.g. to promote health) it might do the trick. Are you maybe taking any medications which could be causing the problem e.g. an SSRI?

[John K]

What you are experiencing is not as uncommon as you think.

[leisurely]

I am not a man so don't fully understand the problem. I have a question though, do you get the orgasmic rush without the ejaculation of fluid or not? Maybe you have retrograde (?) spelling ejaculation and it is going into your bladder. Do you notice sediment when you pee?

Sorry I couldn't be much help. Glad I am not a man though

[Ijustwannateach]

You may have a problem with letting go of control during sex, and/or self-monitoring rather than losing yourself, which is generally a requirement. I'm assuming you're able to stimulate yourself to conclusion? I'd recommend giving up the self-stimulation to give you maximum motivation to resolve this problem. At the same time, you will need to develop at least one satisfactory semi-long-term connection with someone- even if it is only for therapeutic purposes- in order to get over your self-consciousness and build some trust. It may be that issues of trust and control are ruining both your personal life and your sex life. A counsellor or therapist may also be useful.

"Steven"

[boppia]

You seem to be worrying too much about relationships and what others think. Sex takes two but I'd say ultimately its very selfish that's why porno is such a success. I agree with the fact that you need to 'lose yourself' in the act. If you are single you should, go out for sex for a few times rather than go out looking to find someone to love.

And if your partner laughs at you or can't accept you that person obviously was never in love with you anyways. You shouldn't feel stress from your partner when having or after having sex.

Listen to a few of the 1980's Jewish Doctor Ruth. She'll get the balls rollin for you. Maybe you can download an MP3 audio from her.

[Cool Water Palace]

Thanks all for the input. visiting my mother - her birthday yesterday, and only have dial up connection and limited time. Will respond tomorrow, UK time.

[Sheryl]

This problem is often encountered with men taking certain prescription mediciations and with those taking any form of speed ("uppers").

Any drug use or regular medications?

If no medications/drug use of any sort, and physical exams are normal, then presumably pschyological. For which, psychotherapy.

Do you have the same problem when on your own (masturbation) or is it only when with a partner?

[Sheryl]

Forgot to mention, ALCOHOL is often a cause of this...either drinking before sex or too much drinking in general .

[gburns57au]

I suffered something similar for a few years...the girls thought it was great but it was very frustrating...

My problem is now solved but I wont go into details here...you can PM if you like.

[Ulysses G.]

Do you have the same problem when on your own (masturbation) or is it only when with a partner?

Good question.

If it is only when with a partner than the problem is most likely psychological.

[Cool Water Palace]

What you are experiencing is not as uncommon as you think.

I'd usually read that it was in 1-4% of men, but the I recently read that 8% have the problem at some time.

I am not a man so don't fully understand the problem. I have a question though, do you get the orgasmic rush without the ejaculation of fluid or not? Maybe you have retrograde (?) spelling ejaculation and it is going into your bladder. Do you notice sediment when you pee?

Sorry I couldn't be much help. Glad I am not a man though

I do get orgasmic sometimes without ejaculation. I forget the details, but i'd read about retrograde ejaculation but decided that was not the problem. Also prior to my surrogate therapy, I had a check by a specialist doctor, and he thought I was otherwise ok.

You may have a problem with letting go of control during sex, and/or self-monitoring rather than losing yourself, which is generally a requirement. I'm assuming you're able to stimulate yourself to conclusion? I'd recommend giving up the self-stimulation to give you maximum motivation to resolve this problem. At the same time, you will need to develop at least one satisfactory semi-long-term connection with someone- even if it is only for therapeutic purposes- in order to get over your self-consciousness and build some trust. It may be that issues of trust and control are ruining both your personal life and your sex life. A counsellor or therapist may also be useful.

"Steven"

Yes, in other words. It's like riding a bike? Or learning to drive? Swimming?

I've never fully ejaculated with a partner, but have occasionally come very near, unless it was orgasmic excitement. I did masturbate a fair amount for many years, once I'd started a bit late, but not in a very usual position. The 'sort of foetal' position might be in the Kama Sutra, though! I'd had strange ideas when I was little about what sex was. this tailed off for a few years, and I even stopped achieving this completely 2-3 years ago. Stress has been part of the problem about my life in general, which has no doubt worsened my deep-rooted inhibitions in my view (and apparently a consensus here).

My sex education was totally non-existent, even amongst peers (and I recall seeing no wildlife films of lions at it, for example). I'd become something of a loner when a child, so I was interested to read about chimpanzees who are brought up for first 6 years, having no sight of copulating pairs. so they could not perform, even with a receptive female. They did not know what to do. I don't know if this was from observations in the wild or in a zoo or other domestic environment. I feel my experience was not too dissimilar! My first attempted sex was when I was 28, since when there have been only occasional short-term relationships. My successful relationships have tended to be platonic.

This problem is often encountered with men taking certain prescription mediciations and with those taking any form of speed ("uppers").

Any drug use or regular medications?

If no medications/drug use of any sort, and physical exams are normal, then presumably pschyological. For which, psychotherapy.

Do you have the same problem when on your own (masturbation) or is it only when with a partner?

See above about masturbation. Only drugs are generally occasional ibuprofen or paracetamol.

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments and suggestions. Noone admitted to the remedy of a vibro-ejaculator!

Edited September 25, 2006 by Cool Water Palace

[britmaveric]

I would try smoking some ganja or taking barbituates. If it is psychological, then pot will likely reduce the inhibitions. Mary Jane is also known to enhance the sexual experience.

Testing out some of these inhibition-reducing substances would be the best way of seeing if your problem is psychological.

Good advice if jail is in his future!!

[LaoPo]

CWP:

You wrote you had no (or limited) sexual education whatsoever and 'consumed' sex for the first time when you were 28 years old.

You also write about 'ladies/women/girls'.

Have you discovered already whether you are hetero-/homo- or bisexual?

Could your 'problem' be in that hemisphere?

LaoPo

[Cool Water Palace]

CWP:

You wrote you had no (or limited) sexual education whatsoever and 'consumed' sex for the first time when you were 28 years old.

You also write about 'ladies/women/girls'.

Have you discovered already whether you are hetero-/homo- or bisexual?

Could your 'problem' be in that hemisphere?

LaoPo

A strange post, I think.

Ladies: well only when referring to the 'ladies forum', cos that's what's it's called.

women: once only - surprisingly, I feel.

girls: not me, never I hope. That was other contributors. Personally, I do not like references to women as girls (Am I perverse? Maybe), nor do I really like the expression 'bar girls', but I think we're probably stuck with that, and I don't wish to go to the barricades about it. 'What expression would I use?', I hear many say. I've not the faintest idea!

And to answer your question - NO.

I had an attraction to another boy in my class when I was 11. And I recall two advances by gay men to me. One on a beach in the Med, who was aggressively wanting my company, but who was accompanied by his mom, which I thought strange, and another on Primrose Hill in London on a blazing hot day, when I was flashed, as I was walking near him only in shorts. Not even on the Heath!

So make of that what you will.

[LaoPo]

CWP:

You wrote you had no (or limited) sexual education whatsoever and 'consumed' sex for the first time when you were 28 years old.

You also write about 'ladies/women/girls'.

Have you discovered already whether you are hetero-/homo- or bisexual?

Could your 'problem' be in that hemisphere?

LaoPo

A strange post, I think.

Ladies: well only when referring to the 'ladies forum', cos that's what's it's called.

women: once only - surprisingly, I feel.

girls: not me, never I hope. That was other contributors. Personally, I do not like references to women as girls (Am I perverse? Maybe), nor do I really like the expression 'bar girls', but I think we're probably stuck with that, and I don't wish to go to the barricades about it. 'What expression would I use?', I hear many say. I've not the faintest idea!

And to answer your question - NO.

I had an attraction to another boy in my class when I was 11. And I recall two advances by gay men to me. One on a beach in the Med, who was aggressively wanting my company, but who was accompanied by his mom, which I thought strange, and another on Primrose Hill in London on a blazing hot day, when I was flashed, as I was walking near him only in shorts. Not even on the Heath!

So make of that what you will.

1. strange post? Why?

2. My question was genuine.

3. What do you mean by: NO...?

3A: is that an answer to my question about "hetero-/homo- or bisexual" ?

or:

3B: the answer to: "could your problem be in that hemisphere?"

As to my remarks: women/ladies/girls......I didn't mean anything by that.

A woman is a woman; a lady is a lady; and a girl is a girl....but I agree...where's the thin line when one says: woman, lady or girl...?

Anyway..I wish you good luck

LaoPo

[Cool Water Palace]

I think I should round up to comment on posts since my last reply.

I've had only one response from a fellow past 'sufferer'. No others willing to own up? And women's responses when faced with the problem?

There are more 'prurient' parts to other sites (with some interesting content which could be worth following up), but presumably only accessible in Thailand with difficulties. I'm ignorant in use of proxies.

Where do Thais go to resolve the issue - suitable massage facilities?

Re the suggestion about not masturbating, conflicting help. On this thread, one advised not to, which I sympathise with in view of the strange technique I adopted when I used to be in the act. Another reply elsewhere actually suggested doing so with sex toys. The latter have not seemed to serve much purpose to me when I've tried. and consumer surveys seem noticeable by their absence. They do nothing for me - none that I've tried in the way of vibrating substitutes at least.

Drugs? Mm. I never liked any in the past, except alcohol, caffeine and sex! I assume the suggestion did not include skunk. I could try some use of Viagra etc, as that might be helpful, as all is getting the better of me recently.

So I think I need suitable massage, mechanical or human, some ED drug use, a woman willing and able. 2 women here now in Thailand have tried, but one is not really interested in my situation and her English is very poor, but otherwise a good companion in bed. Another, I think I love more strongly as she's a really good woman to know, and I want to stay connected, and I think she does too, although she is very busy in other ways for now. I'm working on her, hopefully sensitively, and hope to meet her now tomorrow, but only probably for lunch. I also have a friend, so far platonic, on another continent, but practical issues of politics, visa regulations and interpretation thereof, economics, religion, geography, studies, and I think past abandonment and sex troubles stand in the way of a sexual relationship. But she's a wonderful woman, and I've known her longest.

So I think that's it for now. I'll check for responses for a while.

Edited October 11, 2006 by Cool Water Palace

[Mr Jones]

Go see a hypnotherapist check that he/she is qualified and has insurance

He/she will be happy to produce qualifications and insurance, if not walk away.

Anybody can set up a hypnotherapy practice only qualified therapists can get insurance.

Just a foot note Paul McKenna can’t get insurance for his hypnotherapy practice.

lez

[Cool Water Palace]

Sorry I forgot to include that in my list of things to do. I had PM from one.

[VanZam]

It sounds like your problem is directly related to stress.

You are not alone in your problem, many men at some time in their lives find it difficult to reach climax.

As a registered psychologist in Bkk I can only offer limited advice on sexual issues but will PM you with the contact details of an expert in this area.

Cheers,

Van.

[John K]

Go see a hypnotherapist check that he/she is qualified and has insurance

He/she will be happy to produce qualifications and insurance, if not walk away.

Anybody can set up a hypnotherapy practice only qualified therapists can get insurance.

Just a foot note Paul McKenna can’t get insurance for his hypnotherapy practice.

lez

I don’t think that is entirely true. If you are talking about malpractice insurance at a gauge to see if a person is qualified that is the wrong approach. Even in the states there is only a few places that will provide it at a reasonable rate. I was fortunate get good rates, but lets not get off topic.

One thing is anything that can be done with hypnosis can just as easily be undone, you just have to want it undone. The same is true with suggestions that are given over time. If you suspect your condition is the result of prolonged exposure to negative suggestions then hypnotherapy is a valid option to quickly undo the problem. An example of prolonged negative suggestions would be a person with low self esteem. They are constantly being put down by one or more people. After a while they start to believe it and their subconscious causes related failures. Suggestions can be given by any of the 5 senses And you don’t need to be hypnotized to be given a suggestion. There are other factors too like anxiety that also contribute. You mentions stress, simply the difference between stress and anxiety is anxiety is future tense and stress is present tense. Anxiety does not belong in the bedroom, and stress can be managed. Both are part of typical hypnotherapy for sexual issues.

Other issues I have found with people is some have simply developed an allergic reaction to some minerals or foods. Zinc is great for improving your sex life, but overdoing it with zinc can have the opposite effect. 200% to 300% of the US RDA per day and you should see results in 36 to 48 hours. More than that and it becomes toxic. Bottom line is check your diet. One quick way to find out is completely change what you eat for a week or two and see if there are any changes positive or negative. If there are then do some research. I have seen enough people to see certain reoccurring themes to know what to look for.

There are other things too but generally they are not as common as what I mentioned above.

[Sheryl]

As I understand it, you can get an erection without difficulty, the problem is orgasm/ejaculation. In which case ED drugs will not help any. Their mechanism of action is to increase blood flow to the genitals facilitating erection.

From all you have said it strongly appears to be a psychological problem and I suggest you go into therapy. There are not as many options for that in Thailand as there would be in the west, but there are some and you may be able to find a therapist you are comfortable with.

I would suggest looking at the sexual problem as the symptom but not the actual problem (what that is will become apparent in the course of therapy) and that you try not to worry overmuch about it at this stage. I get a sense of some perfromance anxiety and this becomes a vicious cycle.

I'm not clear how much this problem bothers you because you feel sexually frustrated and how much because you feel it isn't "normal".

Try to relax a bit about it. If you are feeling frustrated sexually, go back to masturbation for now and don't worry about whatever position you use! There is far more range in human sexual behavior than people realize and no matter what position you go into I assure you what you are doing is not half as strange as what a lot of other folk are up to in private....just accept that this is how you are and try not to create tension about it.

As you progress in therapy a lot of issues related to intimacy (sexual and otherwise) will likely come up. I'd advise letting that happen and not trying to rush into a relationship until you are ready -- and definitely not rushing into a sexual relationship because you feel it is what you "should" do, or need to do to be normal.

Meanwhile if a romantic relationship naturally develops with someone, take it slow and be honest with the woman about your problem.

Good luck!

[Cool Water Palace]

I thought this thread was exhausted. But 2 interesting contributions from John K and Sheryl.

A point about references to occasional problems. Those men know they have performed in the past. I have not to any real extent.

I find little in the way of formal health services, rather than surrogacy at enormous expense, or non traditional massage services at less expense. My understanding as mentioned before, is that there are techniques in TTM but they are not provided much as such.

The hypnotherapy website I was referred to only mentions ED and 'Do you really need Viagra?" So I need in this area to follow the advice of John M. And thanks Van for offer.

I'd forgotten about the zinc role, and which foods have what minerals. I must check up. What are the best sources in Thailand?

No discussion of different approaches of western and eastern medicine, nor of the role of attitudes to sex and sexuallty in western religious countries over the centuries, and oriental perspectives. I was advised by a Chinese internet contact that I had an insecure seminal gate (a kidney problem) and he recommended a herbal concoction. I think a Thai practitioner offered a similar product but from crushed beetle. Well there are a lot of varieties around - more species (10 times more?) than all the other species of all kinds of animals put together.

Perhaps the PMs I received may be right about so-called non trad services (I'd dispute the absence of tradition!). The women who've become part of my life over the last few years are not able at present to help or cannot see a way to help. Sheryl's advice is sensible, and I'll respond more fully, perhaps by PM.

I drafted a reply here that could have got a bit heavy but I toned it down. I have angry views about sex and religion. And I've yet to discuss the relation of missionary influences and trad remedies in African countries with the friend i mentioned from Zimbabwe. The example of the South African health minister's views on ARVs leaves a lot to be desired, to say the least. But I think Viagra is based on traditional remedies.

Have we done with this topic? Better wait and see. I think now possible not after all.