Wayward teens: Advice sought

[NaRangsit]

Firstly, the thread I made about pets was a bit out of order but I am under a lot of stress due to my wayward stepdaughter. She's 14 and going of the rails in a big way. I'm not really sure what to do, the wife seems to think it is just a phase and tells me I think to much. My 6 year old half Thai son is the one who sets the example on how to behave, it really should be the other way round. My stepdaughter has lost all interest in schools and is getting into fights, drinking and staying out late.She is also very disrespectful to family members and teachers. I am worried she will join a tech school gang. I've read about them on the internet and it chills me to the very marrow. I think Thainess is the main problem. The word responsibilities seems unknown to the locals. Please help. I'm worried .

[Pomthai]

So start by not letting her out late.

Set the rules and guide lines with mum and her and set out punishments for when they're broken. Stick to them. Consistency between both parents is key. You need support from your wife on this.

I assume she has internet access and a phone etc. Great results can be had by restricting access to these two things alone. - It is a phase and a tough one. I too have a 15 year old step daughter which we have issues with occasionally - not to the level your indicating though. At the moment things are fine.

Parenting is an individual thing that no-one is perfect at it. My kids know in no uncertain terms when they are out of line and they know there are consequences for their actions - it teaches them personal responsibility, something they will rarely get from Thai society IMHO - therefore even more important to come from a parents here.

Kids also need to know that they have a support mechanism in place and that you will always be there and love them what ever they do. I helps them with any insecurities whether they share them or not with you. You however do not have to like them or their behavior all the time. I think it is very important to make that distinction between love,like and dislike. Love never stops for your child and they need to know that. Like or dislike can suit the circumstance. That is real life and what we're trying our best to prepare our monsters / angels for

I wish you well.

[beachproperty]

Had EXACTLY the same problem with my wife's daughter years ago. At 13 she was staying out till 2 am every night with her friends and cutting school all the time.

With the support of her mother she allowed me to set boundaries (curfew at 10 pm) which in the beginning the daughter ignored so we locked her out of the house after 10 pm (really wasn't going to keep her locked out but wanted her to know we were serious)....After a few more days of her coming home late and ignoring the curfew I kinda flew into a rage and told the daughter if her friends were that important to her don't bother coming home at all......Somehow that did it ...she came home at 10 pm on the dot every night thereafter.

As for school....well....she had to find her own way on that one ...as we were always called to school about one problem or another.

Although she is smart apparently she just didn't like the conformity required in the Thai school system and just barely graduated. Figuring she never get a job as she had no skills I sent her to live in the US with a friends of mine for 6 months so she could learn English. My thought was if she could speak English she could maybe get a decent job in the hospitality business ....

She thrived in the US ....learned to read, write and speak English ....and when she returned to Thailand wanted to go to business school. Now at 22 she has an internet business selling goods, while at the same time working part time with us at our boutique resort AND working at a Duty Free shop. She's a real go getter now...a real gem.

Good Luck.....being a parent is a tough job....

[MrBrilliant]

Well the snag is that being step kids, the chances are she's already had a lifetime's of being pampered and spoiled rotten, long before you came on the scene with your Western values.

If you are the patriarchal figure in your home, then it's time to get tough but it's not going to be easy. If she's still at the stage where some reason can get through to her, then express your fears that it is a rough world with some iffy characters in it out there and hope some of your advice sinks in. Get tough if needed.

[Roadman]

Had EXACTLY the same problem with my wife's daughter years ago. At 13 she was staying out till 2 am every night with her friends and cutting school all the time.

With the support of her mother she allowed me to set boundaries (curfew at 10 pm) which in the beginning the daughter ignored so we locked her out of the house after 10 pm (really wasn't going to keep her locked out but wanted her to know we were serious)....After a few more days of her coming home late and ignoring the curfew I kinda flew into a rage and told the daughter if her friends were that important to her don't bother coming home at all......Somehow that did it ...she came home at 10 pm on the dot every night thereafter.

As for school....well....she had to find her own way on that one ...as we were always called to school about one problem or another.

Although she is smart apparently she just didn't like the conformity required in the Thai school system and just barely graduated. Figuring she never get a job as she had no skills I sent her to live in the US with a friends of mine for 6 months so she could learn English. My thought was if she could speak English she could maybe get a decent job in the hospitality business ....

She thrived in the US ....learned to read, write and speak English ....and when she returned to Thailand wanted to go to business school. Now at 22 she has an internet business selling goods, while at the same time working part time with us at our boutique resort AND working at a Duty Free shop. She's a real go getter now...a real gem.

Good Luck.....being a parent is a tough job....

Well done. Its a tough call the letting rip at them and locking them out of the house or showing them the door.

I was blessed to get an absolute sweetheart at 14 here into NZ after she had been running wild in Thailand for two years while her mum was here. She only ever stepped out of line once at about 16 on her reasoning that it was not her home to do as she wished as she had been when in Thailand with our niece trying to look after her. To right sweetheart (also in rage) its our family home with family orientated rules not teenager rules or there is the door. She took the door. She went to her girlfriends for two days who's parents were friends of ours so they quietly let us know she was there without her knowing which was a great relief as we missed her the whole time. Funny thing was the only thing she took with her when she stormed out of the house were her school books. That was the only time she tested our family bounds in any serious way. Now also at 22 she is in her last year in university doing a business degree and an A grade student. When she arrived here she could not speak English now she gets A's for written university business law papers. She also works part time to pay for most of her university and living costs. We give her an allowance based on what she is achieving. She is our absolute pride and joy and I feel privileged that she introduces me (the white farang) as her Dad to everyone. She now thinks we are the greatest parents in the world and loves us to bits...poor brain washed young woman.

Key thing is that she always knew she had a mum and dad that jointly loved her to bits and provided her with a fair, fun, warm and loving home so when that comfort and love was removed from her for a few days the message got through. Not saying it works for all but sometimes if they are being a real a hole then some real tough love back like the door locked to their warm and comfortable home may be a real wake up call.

Edited September 3, 2015 by Roadman

[ehs818]

Tough Love works in every culture and country.

[koolkarl]

If there is a military school in Thailand, put her in it now.

They exist in North America but expensive there , but very effective. No cell phons, gaming, smoking, drinking, etc. allowed in them.

One of my family members was a terrible teen and he was enrolled in a military school and now a famous surgeon.

[enufsaid]

Sounds like Aussie kids, we owe them, puffed up as if cock of the walk. Needs bringing down to earth very quickly, sounds like another poster had the right idea, live at home live by our rules

[catman20]

that's the price you make for marrying a Thai lady with kids, why get married in Thailand just keep life simple for yourself.

[Sutty]

Kids will be kinda from 11 going on 30 in there minds personally I just let it wash over me during those he'll years didn't ground any of them or curfew them but did lock doors when we went to bed after a few nights on floors or sofas at there mates they came home before I locked doors. We all pushed boundaries when young we older ones just choose to forget that.

[Sutty]

that's the price you make for marrying a Thai lady with kids, why get married in Thailand just keep life simple for yourself.

In your opinion of course or maybe your just a sad man

[Saan]

Without your wife's support you have no chance. I know and the little emperor thought he won. He wasted four years at a private school and when kicked out of vocational school after two weeks this boy thought he was king of the kids, boasting of his demise on Facebook.

His mother rejected the concept of hard love and constantly rewarded bad behavior with money or new smart phones or whatever.

Result - an unemployable youth that is a millstone around her neck. One of life's tragedies.

[realenglish1]

I had the same issue with my 16 year old son Thought he knew it all Did drugs and stayed out all night . Finally I had a serious argument and told him I would totally cut him off and he could stay with his friends as he did not care about a future

Soon there after stared coming home on time Got a part time job while going to school

Now he is an Electrical Engineer Who would have thought ?

Just tough it out tough love works

[tancred]

When I was about 13-14 , thought father to be the most stupid man,when I got to my twenties I changed my opinion. I .amazed what he had learnt

[tancred]

When I was about 13-14 , thought father to be the most stupid man,when I got to my twenties I changed my opinion. I .amazed what he had learnt

[tancred]

When I was about 13-14 , thought father to be the most stupid man,when I got to my twenties I changed my opinion. I .amazed what he had learnt

[tancred]

When I was about 13-14 , thought father to be the most stupid man,when I got to my twenties I changed my opinion. I .amazed what he had learnt

Edited September 3, 2015 by tancred

[SOTIRIOS]

....if your wife thinks that a 14-year old drinking is okay......your problems started a long time ago...and they are way bigger than you think....

[Sutty]

Perspective here people 14 year old drinking didn't most of us???? I did teenagers all over the world are the same especially nowadays they know a lot more about the world than we ever did at there age they see youngsters in other countries enjoying themselves and copy. Nothing we can say or do will halt the digital progress of youngsters in some respects Thailand is lucky most families are still strong here due to the matriarch system they have. I bet 99% of what mum's and dads fear for there children they did when younger give it time they will come round in the end WE did

[wandasloan]

[snip snip]

As for school....well....she had to find her own way on that one ...as we were always called to school about one problem or another.

Although she is smart apparently she just didn't like the conformity required in the Thai school system and just barely graduated.... [snip snip]

You're over this but for those trying to figure their kids out.... Substitute "Because" for "Although" and see if it makes sense. For many, it will.

[Gonsalviz]

Don't know where you are located but there is a boarding school (atleast 1) in BKK. I have a daughter there. They are not allowed to leave the campus unless escorted by certain individuals listed in a book that apparently the most responsible is allowed to hold.

Her phone has been confiscated by the sister in law which means her access to FB, etc is mostly cut off. Obviously it is not free but Thais can afford it.

They teach English also.

PM me if you think it might be fitting.

[facthailand]

We had a lovely, cooperative little girl given every opportunity growing up. It pains me to say that from 14 to 17 (that's today), she's been a nasty, ungrateful little bitch.

Seven times coming home dead-drunk or simply not coming home were quite enough for us. We told her that if her rich friends were so important, she should move in with them. We kicked her out in first term and she only got to school 30% of the time.

Wife had a fabulous brainwave around new year. We rented the kid a B3,000/month condo 50 paces to the school door. She did pull her socks up in second and third terms. She appears to like living on her own, rarely comes home (even for money) and we have hopes she'll do better in her last high school year before university overseas.

I should add that we were never strict but expected a bit of civility and consideration. Hard to say when or if she'll become a human bean again but our house is infinitely more balanced and peaceful without her.

[catman20]

that's the price you make for marrying a Thai lady with kids, why get married in Thailand just keep life simple for yourself.

In your opinion of course or maybe your just a sad man

if u knew me you would know im not a sad man just realistic man who says things that people like you don't want to hear!!!!!!!!!!!!! as jack Nicholson said YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH

[Sutty]

Can handle the truth no problem would you say don't marry women with kids in general everywhere in the world or are you saying just Thai women with kids??? I suspect you are in the I don't trust Thai women camp maybe a bad experience being ripped off or all thai women with ferang husbands have a secret little Thai man tucked away. Anyway I deviate from the thread and for that I appologise to the OP. I hope your problem is soon finished and your family gets back on an even Keal I'm sure it will. Catman20 good luck

[gemguy]

Some sort of sports or meaningful hobby or activities that keep her pre occupied and keep her away from some of her friends that are often a bad influence as she may be trying to emulate some of the other girls that she thinks are acting all tough and independent and defiant of adult rules that restrict their fun and ability to do what they want....all done together....... while supporting and encouraging one another to carry on doing more of what they all like to do together while all too much of it is troublesome and inappropriate for that age...but not surprising.

Commonly it is the other girls and her girlfriends that make matters worse....but often a close girlfriend that is a good girl can help to steer the girl down the right path and away from trouble.

Cheers

[petermik]

that's the price you make for marrying a Thai lady with kids, why get married in Thailand just keep life simple for yourself.

In your opinion of course or maybe your just a sad man

if u knew me you would know im not a sad man just realistic man who says things that people like you don't want to hear!!!!!!!!!!!!! as jack Nicholson said YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH

And my guess is that no-one has ever wanted a relationship with you

[timendres]

I thoroughly agree with the posters suggesting setting rules and boundaries. Kids do need to believe their parents care about protecting them. And they need an excuse for the friends when they make smarter choices. Saying "I want to be a good girl" does not cut it as an excuse for your friends, but saying my a$%hole" dad is making me come home on time" let's you retain some respect.

That said, be sure to combine this discipline with some sort of recognition that shows you respect their effort and provides them with a sense of accomplishment. The rewards should be along the lines of increased responsibility and respect, not money and gifts. For example, if they meet curfew of 10pm responsibly, you could allow for an 11pm or midnight curfew on Saturday nights.