If you had 2 heads you'd be twice as stupid

I'm not a gynecologist but I know a <deleted> when I see one..

I was going to give you a nasty look, but you already have one.

You are sweating like a Scotsman at a charity fund raiser.

"Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbunkle." , King Lear.

I cant wait 'till my next argument with Mrs Nik.

You are sweating like a gerbil in a gay bar.

I used to work in Kirby, Liverpool in an engineering workshop when one of the office girls walked across the workshop floor, stopped next to an old fella's bench and asked him " Why are you always staring at me arse?"

He replied, "'Cos I can't believe the size of it!"

She never spoke to him again.

What diseased infected dick did you dribble off the end of.

Your cheeks are like petals, bicycle petals.

Your hair looks nice did you come by motorbike.

Your teeth are like stars they come out at night.

He was sweating like........

.......a Geordie in a job centre

......a black man watching Crimewatch

.......a Scouser at a job interview

.......Bill Clinton at a feminist meeting

.......a Jew at a half price bacon sale

.......Michael Jackson in a nursery

......Joseph Fritzl at a family reunion

I would like to see things from your point of view,but I just can't get my head that far up my arse

And as Churchill said when a woman accused him of being drunk ,"and your ugly,but at least I will be sober in the morning"

A half wit gave you a piece of his mind and you held on to it

At least no one can be accused of committing character assassination on you, as it seems you committed suicide in that department long ago

One of the most oft-repeated showbiz stories concerns the conversation Andrew Lloyd Webber is said to have had with Alan Jay Lerner, the lyricist of My Fair Lady. "Alan, why do people always take an instant dislike to me?" asked ALW. "Saves time," Lerner replied crisply.

Your knuckles must be sore from all that walking.

Do try to stand when you speak to me; the cushion on the chair seems to muffle your voice

Your obviously not two-faced, if you were you WOULDN'T be wearing THAT ONE!