Thai Boyfriend Problem--what To Do?

[steveromagnino]

The idea that someone would want to date a person their dad's age....well go through the hoops you need to for believing that;

That belief can be compared with how big a chance you have to win million in the next lottery draw.

It can happen to you, but HEY how many times have you won Millions in the lottery?

well, I won 600 bucks, which is 15,000b, which is 1.5million satung :-)

True true, stranger things have happened, but I think some people would like to believe that younger Thais actually prefer foreigners/prefer older people etc etc - there is so much evidence to suggest that neither conclusion holds on average (with exceptions) but each person is an adult (we hope) and can reach their own conclusions.

That said, my mum was 20 years younger than my dad, and they were married for, let's see, 30 years+ so it does happen. And she said she could not have visualised life with anyone else.

[toptuan]

I agree with you Rampage. But it is very difficult for Thais to find a job in this country even if they have a good university education. The jobs simply aren't there.

Rubbish. Thailand was just evaluated as having the lowest unemployment (1.9%) of any country on earth. (See discussion thread at Unemployment Rate - Thailand)

Maybe you're talking about "good-paying" jobs? Frankly, I would have been happy if my unemployed ex-partner had taken ANY full-time job, no matter what the pay. The issue for most of us regarding our parnter's emplyment is self-respect, not how many baht they can rake in each month.

Edited December 28, 2006 by toptuan

[toptuan]

Actually you're wrong.It IS possible for a young Thai to love an older man. It all stems from the fact that Thai men in general make such lousy fathers. As a result they produce children (both girls and boys) who spend their lives looking for a father figure.

Excellent observation, Rampage. I find both gay and straight young Thais searching for that father figure. Nearly every older/younger relationship has that element, I believe.

[popshirt]

Maybe you're talking about "good-paying" jobs? Frankly, I would have been happy if my unemployed ex-partner had taken ANY full-time job, no matter what the pay. The issue for most of us regarding our parnter's emplyment is self-respect, not how many baht they can rake in each month.

Yes, like over 7,000 baht / mo. I agree with the self-respect part.

[girlx]

my ex thai boyfriend used to insist he couldn't find a job because he was from isaan and therefore ugly, too old (31), and male. i believed him but then he wasn't even open to setting up his own shop (even if i provided the means to) or finish his education. finally in the end he said he didn't want to work because then he couldn't spend so much time with me. probably <deleted>- but now i have a little boyfriend who is working at one of those high paying jobs (7000/mo +), and he has no loss of self respectand i can't resent him, but he is working 13-15 hours a day and i don't get to see him much at all. who knows which is better??!?!

[popshirt]

I tend to agree with much that has been said in this thread. But I question the quality of the high employment rate in Thailand. I know graduates of Thammasat and Chula who are selling toasters at Central. It may be employment but it is very much under-employment. And they are making about 7 K baht a month. And they are not happy with this situation, living with parents, hand-to-mouth urban existence, etc.

Also, am I the only one who has noticed this, but are there usually more "staff" than customers in most retail stores? Trying to look busy? And getting in the way of shoppers? And very little help to those who don't speak Thai even in the main business area of Bangkok.

I predict some social and political problems down the line if more isn't done to increase the trickle of baht from the elite to the workers in this country.

[toptuan]

I tend to agree with much that has been said in this thread. But I question the quality of the high employment rate in Thailand. I know graduates of Thammasat and Chula who are selling toasters at Central. It may be employment but it is very much under-employment. And they are making about 7 K baht a month. And they are not happy with this situation, living with parents, hand-to-mouth urban existence, etc.

I agree with you wholeheartedly, but, with due respect, the issue here is "work" or "no work," not the quality of employment. When I was earning my master's degree in the USA, I cleaned toilets for minimum wage. No work is beneath anyone (if it's legal). I would rather have had my partner selling noodles for 3,000 baht a month than playing video games all his waking hours. Then, I would have gladly supplemented his earnings.

I submit to you that someone working a full day for a pittance STILL has more self-respect than a sloth too lazy to lift his soup spoon to his/her mouth.

[steveromagnino]

Actually you're wrong.It IS possible for a young Thai to love an older man. It all stems from the fact that Thai men in general make such lousy fathers. As a result they produce children (both girls and boys) who spend their lives looking for a father figure.

Excellent observation, Rampage. I find both gay and straight young Thais searching for that father figure. Nearly every older/younger relationship has that element, I believe.

Aside from completely disagreeing with Rampage, I'd further add that many gaysn and straight young Thais are looking for someone with cash, that's what the older person brings.

There definitely is a desire to develop mentor relationships, but that isn't going to happen much in a cross cultural relationship with a bar guy or where there is a language barrier. Don't kid yourself it is much more than the $$$$.

[girlx]

have to agree with you there steve romagnino. it's a sad fact of life that people get less attractive as they age. your money becomes more attractive. thais are great actors, don't be fooled.

[twschw]

What attracted you to your boyfriend oin the first place? You made the decision to be with him. Is there nothing left of that attraction or was it merely physical? I made the mistake ONCE with a bar boy. I was with him for 3 months and soon realized he was in it for the money. I left him immediatly. When I made the decision to try again, I had a list of requirements in mind. I now have a Thai boyfriend who is a college educated professional. The key is to learn from your mistakes and use better judgement in the future. We can't lay all the blame for our bad decisions at the feet of our Thai boyfriends. Best of luck to you.

[RAMPAGE]

What attracted you to your boyfriend oin the first place? You made the decision to be with him. Is there nothing left of that attraction or was it merely physical? I made the mistake ONCE with a bar boy. I was with him for 3 months and soon realized he was in it for the money. I left him immediatly. When I made the decision to try again, I had a list of requirements in mind. I now have a Thai boyfriend who is a college educated professional. The key is to learn from your mistakes and use better judgement in the future. We can't lay all the blame for our bad decisions at the feet of our Thai boyfriends. Best of luck to you.

It strikes me that most of the members writing on this subject have reached their cynical view of Thai boys as a result of their experiences with barboys. Having never been in a relationship with a barboy I am unqualified to comment other than to say I would probably share your cynicism should that have been my route in Thailand.

My original premise was that due to a variety of reasons, primarly psychological, it is possible for a younger person to be sexually attracted to an older person. My current bf of nearly four years has a secure and well-paying job and financial considerations have never been a part of our relationship. I might add that I know two young Thais who, despite knowing and accepting my current marital status, would sign on tomorrow as my "mia noi" if I would only agree.

Both of these boys have secure and well-paying jobs and again, financial considerations are not an issue. These three young men range in ages from 23-26. I am 59. I rest my case.

[orchis]

Good for you rampage, life's what you make it.

[dukkha]

Gay sera sera, as Doris so succintly put it....you either have a working relationship with a thai guy or you dont...if not, then you need to examine the reasons...so many men, so many opinions...if it it works then let it be, if not do something about it...if ya aint living on the edge then you are taking up someone elses space..if you are not comfortable with someone then why continue the discomfort...it takes two to rumba!! Dukkha

[cm-happy]

What attracted you to your boyfriend oin the first place? You made the decision to be with him. Is there nothing left of that attraction or was it merely physical? I made the mistake ONCE with a bar boy. I was with him for 3 months and soon realized he was in it for the money. I left him immediatly. When I made the decision to try again, I had a list of requirements in mind. I now have a Thai boyfriend who is a college educated professional. The key is to learn from your mistakes and use better judgement in the future. We can't lay all the blame for our bad decisions at the feet of our Thai boyfriends. Best of luck to you.

To answere you query about what atracted me to him. He is by no means handsome and would cetainly not be considered "eye candy". He has a very vivacious and caring personality. Speaks English, very well, self taught, so I know he is not a dummy and was very honest and open with me about his past. Yes, I did make inqueries to verify. NO he was not a bar boy and that is not how he learned English, contrary to what some assume. Dated him for about two weeks before taking the final plunge, as it were, and inviting him home. During that time, we got to know each other quite well, and aware of our respective expectations.

I did break up with him, primarily over the job situation, thinking he had no self respect. This was undoubtedly the hardest thing I ever had to do.

ON A HAPPY NOTE, WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN after a 3 week separation. What a difference. Working as a waiter at a local Karokea place. And enrolled full time at school. Patience and understanding does have its rewards.

Yes, I know I am a father figure for him and represent security. But, isnt that true of many relationships? at least the security aspect. Totally happy together and devoted to each other. SABAI SABAI

[popshirt]

ON A HAPPY NOTE, WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN after a 3 week separation. What a difference. Working as a waiter at a local Karokea place. And enrolled full time at school. Patience and understanding does have its rewards.

Yes, I know I am a father figure for him and represent security. But, isnt that true of many relationships? at least the security aspect. Totally happy together and devoted to each other. SABAI SABAI

That IS a happy ending! Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it takes a bit of tough love (or is it exasperation?) to get things going. And those who have not walked in our shoes should not make judgments about this. Especially when things turn out for the best as they have for you and for me too!

Edited January 18, 2007 by popshirt

[peter991]

cm-happy: I am glad to hear there is a happy ending to this saga. I wish you and your partner every happiness in the years to come.

Peter