Living In A Village Advise Please

[ozzydom]

My T/W and I live C/M but have bought extra land and are having plans drafted to build in the T/W,s village in Northern Esaan. We visit there regularly and find the people and relly,s pretty friendly but now my mate who has lived in a similar village for 3 years is giving me the big "DONT DO IT".

It seems that all went ok for a period but now he is expected to be the benefactor of the whole village, he supports hisT/W and her extended family (up to 18 mouths) but now its at the point where villagers just turn up, have a chat with his family and walk out with bags of food etc then the wife hits him up for cash to restock their own larder.

He buys green feed for their cows and the brother in laws go in the truck to collect it but it comes back 1/2 empty, the excuse, man in village no have grass for his cows so we give. His tractor,motor bike, slasher are all missing, lent out to villagers and invariably come back wrecked with no offer of repair,when he fronts his T/W about these things she says Thai people give from heart no expect them to fix,we have them have not. They live in the family house so his hands are tied a bit.

Now I am a pretty charitable bloke and dont mind helping in emergencies but I consider my home and property my castle.The new home will be in my name on land leased from my wife and she understands (I hope)that it will not be an "open house" 24/7 as I want some privacy.

Now can I expect my situation to evolve into a similar predicament as my mates or is his case a "one off" ???

[wimpy]

Why not talk it over with your wife? Express your concerns, and see what she thinks. She knows her village and relatives better than any of us.

[LoveDaBlues]

ozzydom - my Thai GF knows that when I get back to Thailand (currently in US) we WILL NOT live in her village. Two reasons.....(1) nothing for me to do up there (Sri Bun Ruang area) (2) I'm worried about the very problems you describe. I'm planning on living in Chiang Mai; this takes us 'away' from the constant pressure from family, friends, etc.

No way could I live in a village in the middle of nowhere!

[bdenner]

No offence to your mate but I think he has lost the plot.

IMO lay down the ground rules before making any commitment and make sure TW fully understands them.

Two reasons.....(1) nothing for me to do up there

Depends on where the village is located. If it is a long way from the nearest city then you will have to have a lot of resolve.

All the above stems from 3 years full time experience living 17km from our nearest big smoke. TW tried to flirt with my rules in the early days but we are very well settled now.

Good luck

[Khutan]

All I can do is nod my head with agreement.

This is a constant source of debate between my wife and I. Let me comment on a few points you have made.

villagers just turn up, have a chat with his family and walk out with bags of food etc then the wife hits him up for cash to restock their own larder

Yes, without a doubt.

and invariably come back wrecked with no offer of repair,when he fronts his T/W about these things she says Thai people give from heart no expect them to fix,we have them have not.

No suprise at all.

(I hope)that it will not be an "open house" 24/7 as I want some privacy.

Now can I expect my situation to evolve into a similar predicament as my mates or is his case a "one off" ???

Privacy is a luxary you will never be able to afford.

I have all the above happen to me, which is why I don't live there. I will tell you a few more.

The concept of personal property is going to shock you.

Do you like to have other people's animals, like bufffalo and chickens just wander in through your back-yard? Maybe the regular roving village-wide Cock-Fighting contests that can cover a huge area. If you aren't a connoseur of Cock-fighting, you may find this regularly annoying.

Of course the regular requests for money, and assistance. You have to realise that until you have the same amount of money as the rest of the village, they will keep asking.

I have taken a different approach to lending money, Sure I will lend it, only if I have the title to your land. No tangible security, no loan. If they miss paying the loan by 3 months, they lose the security. Its amazing how much that has halted the regular requests for money.

I had 2 refridgerators in the house. They were side by side in the kitchen. Simply when you have a party etc, it is good to have one for the drinks etc and the other for the food. One day one of the fridges disappeared, the mother-in-law decided she needed it more than I did. I expect by the end of the year to have no refridgerators, as I only use the one remaining fridge when I occasionally travel there.

I got a report, last week, that is true that my sattelite equipment has been removed from my house. Its about 300k Baht worth of gear, Oh XXX's cousin who lives in the village 15km up the road can't get TV, and her mum sick in bed. What just about sent me into a blind rage is they then asked me to drive out there this weekend and install/fix the equipment. You can imagine what my response was.

Just because you pay the bill doesn't men you get any respect from the locals. It just means you have money to pay bills. So, as an example if you paid 15k Baht to have my car fixed, you would have a reasonable expectation that I might show you some respect - think again.

So you build a nice house and set it up nicely. So what, that doesn't mean a thing, the family can move in whenever they like, do whatever they like and leave, once they have had their fill. They can also leave the house as dirty as they like etc. The thing you can take pleasure in is keeping your mouth closed, and you can also smile. Why, well Grandad / Grandma, Dad the Boozer, mum the Weirdo are all senior in the scheme of things to your partner, therefore you must respect them.

It doesn't matter how senile the old people in the village are, what they say is fairly much the way things are. You must respectfully listen and be polite, no matter how rediculous their opinions are.

Finally, and this is really important. Look around the village, look is the place is reasonably well kept or if its more like a garbage dump. The lack of civic-pride in a village can really annoy you.

I know this sounds like a rant, but it actually isn't, village life in some villages can be very difficult. The expectations of everyone are different.

I think it was Alexander who said that anger is caused when people's expectations are not met. So you will have certain expectations, and so will the villagers, remember you are the guest in their village.

[BaanOz]

Now I am a pretty charitable bloke and dont mind helping in emergencies but I consider my home and property my castle.The new home will be in my name on land leased from my wife and she understands (I hope)that it will not be an "open house" 24/7 as I want some privacy.

Now can I expect my situation to evolve into a similar predicament as my mates or is his case a "one off" ???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Ozzy,

Unless you speak fluent Thai and wear the pants , I think the situation in the village will depend totally on your wife. Just my opinion as I have never lived in my wife relatives village in Isaan but have spent much time there - plus have friends who have been in similar situations.

Personally, my wife is very strong minded and doesn't allow people to do things that she doesn't feel is fair. It is not that she/we are not giving, but fair is fair. My friend who is married to a Thai woman, without going into details, refuses to holiday in Thailand anymore because of the demands that his wifes family have on them and which has caused marrage problems. His wife goes by herself now with the kids.

Regards, BaanOz

[RamdomChances]

Ozzy, Its simlpe ...just say NO.

Saying that I've lived in a thai village for years and never encountered any of those problems. It sound like you mate is being taken for a ride.

We often borrow tractor attatchments and lend them as well, its always the users responsibility if something breaks, as for

He buys green feed for their cows and the brother in laws go in the truck to collect it but it comes back 1/2 empty, the excuse, man in village no have grass for his cows so we give.

So out of the goodness of their heart they just give the stuff away? I dont think so! Sound to me like they are just taking the p1ss. It does'nt have to be like that

[stumonster]

your mate is just being taken advantage of , his wife should have kept the scavangers in line - build a fence and have a gate , and go off your nut when some one is too lazy to close it .

a mate of mine whose house is up near mukdahan has a rule that upsatirs is only the province of he and his wife , except fot the younger sister who comes up to clean.

[bdenner]

I thank the &lt;deleted&gt; none of Mattnich's problems effect me. Sure people (mainly kids)come and go into our house but up stairs is tabboo. No one goes anywhere near our fridges or removes anything from the house without permission and this includes 'Mair' ----- Ground rules!!!!

[billd766]

I live about 6km outside of the village in a small Moo Ban with my wife and son. It is not where she comes from (Samut Prakhan) so we don't have these problems. We do have a few friends locally and yes we do lend a little but we also have no problems in getting anything returned and we borrow equipment and people as and when required.

Perhaps the difference is that my wifes family are from Bangkok and we live 400 km away. Having said that her family are more than welcome to stay with us and we do have a small house that her parents can live in if they want to leave Bangkok and live with us.

We must be lucky.

[Khutan]

Ozzy, Its simlpe ...just say NO. <snip>Sound to me like they are just taking the p1ss. It does'nt have to be like that

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

RC, it varies from village to village, the one my wife's family is shocking, and the only time I will spend more than a few days is when I have plenty of falang around.

Some more examples:

. I was woken at 6:00 am and had someone want to borrow my pick-up, why, I had plenty of Diesel, and I normally slept until 10:00am and wouldn't need it until lunch time.

. My wife when she visits her house that I paid for, is expected to be her grand-mothers personal servant. So Grand-ma wakes at 5:00am, and expects my wife to get out of bed and cook and clean for her.

. Every time we visit, I would spend a minimum of 1000 B on food at the markets, that I never get to eat.

. Never expect anyone in the village to refer to you as anything other than "fa-lung".

. Things get broken, sure "Oh he is sorry, but he have no money to pay to fix.

. The big scratch on the back of my pick-up caused by thoughtlessness. "oh, thats what happens to pick-up here"

. My constant pressure water punp is still broken, I gave money to the family to fix it, they spent it on booze.

. The mother in law wanted to set up a shop, we did a business pan and I gave her 20k Baht. She then lent the 20k to a friend who had a big p1ss up.

The list goes on and on.

My final advice, if you aren't 1,000% sure of the village, buy a condo near the beach. At least you will have something you can own, and have some control over. You will otherwise end up sinking the same amount of money into the village over a period of time and end up only feeling bad.

[udon]

Excellent "advice" from mattnich

I couldn't agree more.

[Martin]

From my experience and observations, whether a couple have this problem or not depends very largely on the wife's personality and less (but not insignificantly) on the personality of the (farang) husband.

We don't have this problem, because my wife knows exactly which of our extended family can be trusted to behave fairly, and which can't, and acts accordingly.

But some wives can't stand up for their (and their husband's and childrens') rights, and are manipulated by the unscrupulous ones amongst their relatives, as ossiedom's friend's wife is being manipulated into believing she and her husband should share out all they have.

And be ready for some relatives that have appeared OK to turn out badly. There seems to be a 'Sod's Law' about relatives--they never turn out better than they appeared to be on first acquaintance!

There is a strong case against living in the wife's home village, simply because there is a fair chance that it will put too much strain on the marriage. Building the house just a few kilometres away helps a lot.

It is worth considering building a house in the wife's Amphoe. Because the Amphoe is where all the family and friends from the wife's village come from time to time, the wife is not out of contact with them, but there is that bit of "arm's length" that makes the contact with the 'baddies' easier to handle. It also helps the husband to be in a small town where there is a broader cross-section of society and more going on.

I wish ossiedom the best of luck---and luck does seem to be imprtant in this. Early in a relationship (like for the first forty years!) there is a lot of guesswork about what the couple will discover about each other, and how to play to strengths and avoid being hamstung by weaknesses. Particularly with cross-cultural relationships.

[RamdomChances]

RC, it varies from village to village, the one my wife's family is shocking, and the only time I will spend more than a few days is when I have plenty of falang around

Matt I'm actually gobsmacked reading this, you experiances could not be more different to mine. Why do you put up with it?

I have a Thai style 2 story house we live upstairs, nobody comes up there without an invite, thats not something that I had enforced, just no one does it. Nobody borrows anything with out my say so (or the wifes if I'm not here)

Our whole village is related so is really one big extended family and I rarely get asked to lend money, when I have I usually do lend it and have always got it back.

I've got to be honest my mother-in-law is great, can be a real "battle axe" anyone who wants anything from me has to go through her first, if someone came to " borrow my pick-up," at 6 in the morning she would'nt even let them up to the house- unless it was an emergency.

I just can understand why people put up with this sh1t, suppose I've been lucky really.

It doesn't matter how senile the old people in the village are, what they say is fairly much the way things are. You must respectfully listen and be polite, no matter how rediculous their opinions are.

If it's one of the old people talking then yes usually I just nod and be polite, then go and do things exactly as I want any way If it's people around my own age, we'd probably sit around arguing about it and drinking whiskey until the early hours....and then I'd probably go and do what I wanted anyway

[ozzydom]

Mattnich,Thank you for your candour, I have been thinking more of the house design and thought I had everything covered, even to the point of buying 200 concrete posts to build a 5 foot high concrete wall around the block complete with substantial animal proof gate.

But your experiences mirror what has happened to the mate,he understands where he is in the food chain down there,despite putting his entire pension (95,000 bt month ) into the place he is still on a lower level than mum in laws buffalo, if he didnt have millions invested in cattle he would walk away today.

He and T/w only have to go for a few days away and suddenly the rice needs fertilizer or the buff is sick send cash qik call comes in. or they come home and the fridge and fans have walked from their private area upstairs cos her bruv needed them.

I spent big bucks upgrading T/Ws village house cos the daughter lives there with her Gran until she finishes High School and thought a nice little western style house just for T/W and I would work but you have kindly shown me the error of my thinking.

Being a small town country boy I need to be active and had the idea (nay ,the need)to grow things etc,but our nice 3 bedder here in Chiang Mai has suddenly become very homely. Thanks again to you and the other helpful posts

[COBBER]

Matt is pretty spot on.

The mentality of the villagers in far Esarn small villages has to be experienced to be believed. Totally differant from any other regions .

Farlang = money tree.

If you put the brakes on the money nobody wants to have anything to do with you.

You will have 2 english speaking friends , UBC and thaivisa.com.

When youve had enough who will buy your house.

[jayenram]

There is a strong case against living in the wife's home village, simply because there is a fair chance that it will put too much strain on the marriage. Building the house just a few kilometres away helps a lot.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have been very lucky. It was wife who suggested that we buy land outside the village because she didn't want to live there (I was somewhat naive at the time). We bought 1 rai in the Surin Amphur, 30 km from the village. Built a small house on it and never looked back!

However, I'm not convinced that we could sell it if we wished. It would be too expensive for Khmer farmers, the wrong design for the Chinese and farang wives are not normally impressed with anything second hand (now that they are rich!).

[udon]

Mattnich:

I got a report, last week, that is true that my sattelite equipment has been removed from my house. Its about 300k Baht worth of gear, Oh XXX's cousin who lives in the village 15km up the road can't get TV, and her mum sick in bed. What just about sent me into a blind rage is they then asked me to drive out there this weekend and install/fix the equipment. You can imagine what my response was.

300Kb Sat

Matt, what did you do?

Did you get it back?

I'd have exploded

[sua yai]

I've never lived up country, but have spent extended periods of time at an old g/f's house in Buriram province.

Some of the family lived there - we didn't , so someone might as well use it. The immediate family were always good to me. I would ensure that there was a steady supply of beer, Lao Kao, and cigarettes. In return, I got companionship, a good roof over my head and three odd meals a day. I'll never knock that.

However, the locals were the bane of my life up there. The worst culprit was the head man's alcoholic brother. He and his toothless cronies would stagger down the dirt track at 8am, totally smashed and expect to "call in" to raid any goodies that were left over from the night before.

It took me about three years of regular visits to eventually snap. I basically told them to f*** off and not set foot in the house again.

After they left, the family applauded me, explaining that they could never had said that themselves. It had to come from me.

Moral of the story? Everyone was invited round to the headman's brother's house for lunch the next day - all food, booze and cigarettes free for us. I guess the message got through!!

[bkkmadness]

I've never lived up country, but have spent extended periods of time at an old g/f's house in Buriram province.

Some of the family lived there - we didn't , so someone might as well use it. The immediate family were always good to me. I would ensure that there was a steady supply of beer, Lao Kao, and cigarettes. In return, I got companionship, a good roof over my head and three odd meals a day. I'll never knock that.

However, the locals were the bane of my life up there. The worst culprit was the head man's alcoholic brother. He and his toothless cronies would stagger down the dirt track at 8am, totally smashed and expect to "call in" to raid any goodies that were left over from the night before.

It took me about three years of regular visits to eventually snap. I basically told them to f*** off and not set foot in the house again.

After they left, the family applauded me, explaining that they could never had said that themselves. It had to come from me.

Moral of the story? Everyone was invited round to the headman's brother's house for lunch the next day - all food, booze and cigarettes free for us. I guess the message got through!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Moral of the story here I think is just because you are in Thailand and just because you are living in a village doesn't mean you should give in to every pisstaker in the area and suddenly become a mug. You wouldn't in your own country, so why do it here?

I'm sure some people lose their common sense when they come to Thailand and just leave everything up to the wife to sort out which isn't very wise if your wife is a bit lower down in the family and can't fight off her relatives and neighbours requests herself. In the end, you gotta be a man and stand up for yourself. You've all been doing it for years in your home countries, why stop here, what are you afraid of, offending some pisstakers? Scared of the wife losing face? Scared you don't understand the situation because its Thai culture?

Come on, respect is earned as well as given, don't let yourself get walked over. The story I think about Ozzys friend, the pensioner is terrible, and it makes me think it was a bad choice of wife in the first place as she should be fending off all this crap before he even hears about it. The fact that she doesn't means its then left up to him to sort it out, which he should. The guy's on a pension, I don't know his exact age but he should be old and wise enough by now to sort out some of these problems by himself.

And to the guy who lent money to get his water pump fixed that was spent on booze, that would be the end of the money until that was paid back. ######em, they don't respect you or the money you earn, then they don't deserve to get any respect from you or recieve any future money. Let them burn their bridges.

This all reminds me of a post I read a while back from an otherwise intelligent poster on here, Simon43. The guy is a smart business man, sorted money wise and had some good life experience and made a lot of great posts on here. His post was about his gf's cousins or brothers or something, they kept shouting "beer" at him so he would hopefully buy them more beer. He was totally confused as to what to do in this situation so come on here to ask advice. "My wifes brothers keep shouting at me for beer and I don't know what to do" was about the sum of it.

I wanted to scream at him "just say 'No' for ######s sake", you wouldn't take the same behavior back in the West from these kind of people, so why take it here? I can't believe the guy lost all his street smarts and had to ask people on here whatt to do, almost as if he thought he was having difficulty culturally understanding these people rather than dealing with a load of idiots. He was looking for the sensitive respectful way out of the situation, but they showed him no respect so why should he have to give it back?

Its 'put your foot down' time, when you move into a village with your wife your no longer a guest in the village but a resident there, its your home, and if idiots cant respect that straight away then teach them respect. If people call you farang constantly and it winds you up, wait until one of them says it to you when they are in a group, stop the guy and tell him "My name isn't farang, My name is....... I call you by your name, so please call me by mine." Be polite, get the message across, let him lose a bit of face and gain a litte of your own face. You won't get shot and killed for it, you wont get ousted from the village, you would have politely earned some respect in front of the villagers and that'll go a long way in the future.

Rant over dudes.

Ramdom, my gfs village is same as yours, just chilled out, no hassles about any of this, I'm shocked by some of the tales I read here. Matt, 300 k of Sat equipment? man I would go crazy about that. I hope you got it sorted out.

[The Dude]

I don't have a Thai wife. I've never been to Issan. I've never been to CM. I will never have a TW or live in Issan or CM. I love my life. Why screw it up for a nightmare

[udon]

Why take the risk of living in a village in the 1st place?

It would be all hunky-dory for a while, just like a honeymoon and then the probs would/might start.

Live far enough away from inlaws etc to make them think twice about visiting you, that way you have privacy and only see the relos occasionaly.

Those of you who have a good life in a village are the exception, not the rule.

Over to you

Cobber:  If you put the brakes on the money nobody wants to have anything to do with you.

You will have 2 english speaking friends , UBC and thaivisa.com.

When you've had enough who will buy your house.

Very true....

Edited July 23, 2005 by udon

[bkkmadness]

I don't have a Thai wife. I've never been to Issan. I've never been to CM. I will never have a TW or live in Issan or CM. I love my life. Why screw it up for a nightmare

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Why does it have to be a nightmare?

[bkkmadness]

Those of you who have a good life in a village are the exception, not the rule.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is this true? I don't know enough farang who live in villages to judge this, are most people living in villages unhappy with their decision?

Ramdom always seems happy with his life up there amongst the cows and I expect a lot of others too but he is an others the exception to the rule?

Reckon a poll is needed.

[johna]

Everthing you describe has happened to me, find some place far away from your T/W family.

[Dragonman]

Those of you who have a good life in a village are the exception, not the rule.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is this true? I don't know enough farang who live in villages to judge this, are most people living in villages unhappy with their decision?

Ramdom always seems happy with his life up there amongst the cows and I expect a lot of others too but he is an others the exception to the rule?

Reckon a poll is needed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My experiences would equate to Matt. Only stayed 3 months whist considering building a house. Total nightmare. Matt's comments made me think it was the same village! Having worked in law for many years am not frightened to let people know what I am thinking. But these people just smile and take no notice. Had to lock everything in bedroom, including the fridge which is the most annoying bit I now live 500 kilometres away and it is better in that it is now only the close famliy who make flying visits to my"hotel" by the beach

[ozzydom]

My wifes village is on a par with how Matt describes his wifes,its about halfway between Udon Thani and Sakhon Nakhon, Maybe its worth considering building close in to Udon ,I dont mind the place actually, that way the wife would not be to far from the family but far enough to stop drop-ins. Could always put a couple of cows on the block and pay the wifes deaf mute brother an allowance to look after them,That would give the wife a bit more seniority in the family.(had such a nice garden planned for it to ).

The more I read the more I think it isnt a good idea,I dont suffer idiots very well and tend to fire up a bit,I have already pissed off a couple of the villagers that were working on rebuilding the old house to the point that they pissed off home(but they came back later asking me to buy whisky so we could be friends ha ha ).I will have a look around Udon for a block next visit.

[uncle paul]

i must admit i have none of the problems above when im in the village in rayong. the locals seem to take great pleasure in getting me pissed on the local whiskey. the village head man is a personal friend and has told the locals im a film star uncle is probably the most powerful man around so i dont get hassled too much. if i catch people poaching my lake i confiscate their stuff anf give it to the village head man. they get an earbashing and the stuff back: they never return.

the locals have learnt that i dont take any taking the piss but also know that if i catch them it will be dealt with!

the moral is that you have to deal with things the thai way and not the european way.

one time they started to steal onions so in went some bulbs that looked like onions but were guaranteed to give you the sh!ts (roflmao). this was the biggest joke the village had ever seen and they loved it. nobody steals my onions anymore!

play their game and beat them at it in a friendly and funny or fair way !

[loong]

I have lived in a village in Isaan and I know that if you are considering it you have to be very strong willed, you have to be prepared to stand firm.

My gf at that time made huge amounts of food every morning and there were a steady stream of people came to eat thruoughout the day. I didn.t mind this at all, anyone was welcome to come and eat with us.

But alcohol, different matter. If the locals knew or suspected that I had alcohol in the house, they would turn up any time of day and night and attempt to empty your stock.

I'm not a heavy drinker and eventually I got the message thru to them that They could have a drink with me, but only when I wanted to drink.

Problem is that it is very tiring, a constant battle of wills.

On a few occasions I was invited out for the day with some of the locals. This would end up with 15 or 20 people in the back of a pick-up and I was expected to pay for everybody's food and the fuel for the pick=up.

Many of the problems I encountered have been posted by others, so will not repeat them. I have seen nothing posted that I can dispute.

Eventually, by standing firm, you will get things sorted, but you will probably find it quite a mental strain.

The last straw for me was the gf's sister and her husband. They were gamblers ( a major disease in Isaan) and were constantly in debt. They borrowed money from a couple in the village and I paid it back for them. It started at a few thousand every month, but ended up that I was paying off in excess of 30,000 Baht every month and rising.

Now, I know that most of you are now thinking " what - is he crazy?"

They had a pretty little 14 year old daughter and these moneylenders gave money to people who they knew would be unable to pay back. When the debt rose to a certain level, they would then demand that they take the daughter and she would work to pay off the debt. No prizes for guessing what work she would be doing.

I realised that I was in an impossible situation as I could not continue to throw money down this drain. I could see no end to it. Heartbreaking as it was, I had to just walk away. What could I do?

I am now with a different girl and living in a village in Phrae in the North of Thailand. Here, as in all of Thailand, there are elements of the Isaan experience, but not so difficult to cope with. Now I have a good life and am very happy.

I can say one thing though. If I had to set up home with a new girl in the future ( I hope not and have no such intention), I would NEVER set up in the Gf's home village again.

[loong]

I would just like to add re buying land and building a house.

You have to be there 24/7, cos no matter what you say you want, the builder will build it how he thinks you should want it.

Also build house in the middle of the plot if possible.

I have known farang build a house on a lovely plot, go away for a few months and then come back to find that family have built 1 or 2 more houses (shacks!) and moved in.