Jamesyboi

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the mountains and had been out for a walk. As soon as they got in, the husband complained that his hands were cold.

"Go on," said his wife. "You can put your hands between my legs to warm them up."

A little while later, the man went out to get some firewood, and complained of cold hands when he came back.

"You can put your hands between my legs," said his wife, so he did. A while little later, he went to go get some apple cider at the store. When he came back, he said his hand were cold. Finally, his wife exploded, "Why can't your ears ever be cold!?!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?" The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?" Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto thinks someone stole tento."

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "###### it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times.

Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar?"

The bartender gives him a nod.

"Buy her a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So the goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her

deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,

"I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.

Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,

"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

George Bush and Tony Blair is in a bar talking. A guest comes over and ask what they are talking about.

"We are planning the third world war", Bush answers.

"Oh no", says the guest. "And how is your plan?"

"We are thinking about killing 14 millions muslims and one IT-adviser", says Bush.

The guest stands chocked with a wide open mouth.

"An...IT-adviser?" he says. "Why? Why on earth will you kill an IT-adviser?"

Then George Bush turns toTony Blair and says, "What did I tell you? No one will ask about the muslims."

Traffic Question

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

Scroll down...

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.Here are just a few reasons why:A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit aroundwhining about it.She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.Women over 40 are dignified.They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle ofan expensive restaurant.Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they thinkthey can get away with it.Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.They know what it's like to be unappreciated.Women get psychic as they age.You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than heryounger counterpart.A women over forty will tell you right off ifyou are a jerk if you are acting like one.You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald,paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year oldwaitress.Ladies, I apologize.For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk forfree?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are againstmarriage.

Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this one - it's too good not to share!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(actual letter)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.

While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(actual letter)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further back than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

And God, as it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hel_l you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we please have the #$%@ loan?

The loan was approved.

Health Plan

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."

"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"

The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

FLIGHT TO AUCKLAND

Beware! I got this today and the warning is genuine!

Yesterday, a colleague was travelling on a Brisbane to Auckland flight.

A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane in Sydney and my colleague noticed that he had left his bag behind.

She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and glanced into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.

He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Auckland".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.

No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."

An old codger in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home.

One day he gets enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her. She agrees that when everyone else is on a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it.

He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it. She says "used to like it when a man went down on me". He says he would love to and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I can't go on. It just smells rotten down there".

She says "It must be my arthritis".

He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell".

She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe my a*se.

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said..

"Oh, Honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

A Maori walked into the WINZ centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.

The salary package is $400,000 a year".

The Maori said "You're bullsh*tting me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well - you started it!".

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

One day God calls down to Noah . . . . and says, "Noah, I want you to build another Ark, but this time I don't just want a couple of decks - I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".

"Twenty decks!?", screams Noah, "Well, OK, whatever you say. Should I fill it with all the animals, just like last time?".

"No, this time I just want fish . . . carp to be exact.", answers God.

Noah looks to the skies, "OK, God, let me get this right . . . you want a New Ark with 20 decks, one on top of the other? And you want it full of carp?"

"That's right", replies God.

"Why?" asks Noah.

"Dunno really", says God. "I just fancied a multi-storey carpark".

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!”

"Yeah?” says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?”

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?” the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle”, asks the duck.

“That’s right!” says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. “What on earth would they want with an electrician?”

It was Amanpreet's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. “Telegram!”

He opened the door excitedly, “Is it a singing telegram?” Lizard Pecker asked the messenger boy.

“No Sir. We don’t do singing telegrams anymore.”

“I’ve always wanted a singing telegram. Can’t you bend the rules and make an old man happy?”

“Sorry.”

“Please,” begged Preet. “Today’s my birthday.”

“Oh, all right,” said the boy, “Dah-dah dah… dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead!”

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did you do?" asked her waiting friend.

Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried arrangement."