Jamesyboi

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed, and ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. Give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey. I love you too…”

Work is like...

Tree Of Monkeys

A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but <deleted>.

A foot and a C*** are having a chat one evening. The foot says to the C*** "Jesus I had a bad night last night. Some bastard shoved a stinkin' smelly sock on me, a worn out shoe with holes in it and walked me around town in the rain and mud all night"

The C*** says to the foot, "You think you had a bad night. Some bastard shoved a raincoat over me head and made me do push ups till I threw me guts up”

An Asian walked into the exchange line in a Auckland bank with 2000 yen and received $72.00

The following week, he went in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.00.

He asked the teller why he got less money than he got the previous week.

The lady said " Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said “ Fluc you Kiwis too”.

A Dying Man's Favorite Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the ###### that got in the car when we were pushing it."

80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."

The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts: 'Honey, could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks now'.

He looks at her and says, angrily: 'Fix the light?

Now? Does it look like I have City Power printed on my forehead? I don't think so!'

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.'

Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool written on my forehead? I don't think so!'

'Fine,' she says, 'Well then, could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break up.'

Does it look as though I've got Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub.'

So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices the steps are fixed and the light has stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

'Honey, how did all these get fixed?'

'Well,' she said 'When you left, I sat outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong - so I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs and all I had do was either bake him a cake or have sex with him.'

'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'

'She replied: 'HELLO!!!..... Do you see Bakers Delight written on my forehead? I don't think so!'

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill" . In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “You? No way! You get too violent when you drink.”

Who's in charge

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ###### is usually in charge.

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to sunbathe in the nud_e. His penis got badly burned, due to the fact it had never before seen the sun.

His wife came home that night and they had sex. While his wife slept, he looked for relief from the sting. He went to the refrigerator to find something cold to put on his body and only found milk. He poured some in a glass and dipped his penis into it.

His wife came in, slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load the thing!"

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. ''Excuse me sir,'' says the young man ''do you know what time it is?''

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

''Mmmmm, it is about 3:00'' the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, ''How did you know that?'' The zoo keeper looks back at the man, ''I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.''

Difference between men and women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor

The management at GM actually has a sense of humor! Take a minute to read through this true story for a laugh.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release

stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the ! side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Can You Get Married in Heaven . . . . . ..

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my pecker," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't p*** out of it," the man replied.

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.

"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on," explained the husband.

The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when, once again, he is bonked on the head with the frying pan.

"What's that for this time?" he asked as he felt the bump rising on his head.

"Your horse called," said his wife.

How's your health cover?

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital

when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was

masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! "Why is he

doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very

sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition

where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at

least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could

easily rupture.

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's OK." commented the woman. In

the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious

that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

"Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly,

"Same illness, private health cover"

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his

friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance,

he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation

so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about

Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on him self!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hel_l," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His

father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is

$80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford

it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door

with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little

Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night & heard you

telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait

because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by

myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Paul walks into a bar and sees his friend Jeff slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.

"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but every time I saw her I got an erection?"

"Yes," replies Paul with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Paul, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get an

erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if

I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Paul.

"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house."

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing

a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the

man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet

meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous

dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? His wife replied, "The f***in funeral director."

The Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the

rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all

numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining

about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the

tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it

that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do

not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say

it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every

question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 . Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

The Australian Poetry Competition

The Australian poetry competition had come down to two finalists:

a university graduate and an old Aboriginal.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU"

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

*SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND

TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN

MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO

DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU*

The crowd went crazy!!

No way could the old Aboriginal top that they thought.

But the old Aboriginal made his way to the microphone and recited:

*ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT

MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT

THEY WAS THREE AND WE WAS TWO

SO I BUCKED ONE AND TIM BUKTU*

The old Aboriginal won!

Recently I bought a new Toyota Landcruiser but I had to return it to the

dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and

demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On

the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My

Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,

"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great

awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my wife even got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"

"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great

Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but

luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the COLLINGWOOD Team Song through my

speakers!!

God ###### it, I just LOVE this new car!

Aussie ingenuity at its best!

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate"

A study conducted by the UCLA Department of Psychiatry revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh**t?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your ######?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your ######?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your ######?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go F*** yourself!"

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,

Self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,contemplating Ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow Near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:- "Elegant Lady, I was

Once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss From you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your Castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs,prepare and serve my Meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and Happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs Seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought To herself: I DON'T F*****G THINK SO!!!!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need

to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying

"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right

f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ######!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '######' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ######!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my herapeutic '######' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ######!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ###### (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ######, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an ######!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two <deleted> to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ###### #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an ######!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "######, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ######," and hung up.

Then I called ###### #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, ######,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, ######, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two <deleted> beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Why are wedding dresses white

Son asked his mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your

bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this

with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

CROCODILES

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in

Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand

how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the

same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by Parliament

House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to

unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the

S*** out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not

getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the

S*** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ###### and a

briefcase."

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little

daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not

harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the

hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to

mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to

kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the

emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal

a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out

of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the

river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It

turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator

beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer

employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch

and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began

to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the

police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of

America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells

Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that

he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not

accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America

deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo

deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at

Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all

of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a

bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter

on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the

cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him

because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his

driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and

she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with

his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of

the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two

hours after.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Five of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving

revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that

he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some

booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his

head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him

unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass. The whole

event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

Below is a very amusing and true tale, don't delete it until you've found a quiet 2 minutes to read it properly! Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened? The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is.....> If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly .