Jamesyboi

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged, and the third couple had just gotten married. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the wife dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up lust took over and I had to have her right there and then, so I lifted up her skirt and…"

The minister abruptly stuck out his hand so the man would say no more, and told them that he was sorry, but they weren't welcome in the church. "Oh, that's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Superman was flying around the city and was super horny. He spotted Wonder Woman lying on top of a building naked, with her legs spread. He figured he could fly down there, ###### her super fast, and be outta there before she even knew what happened. So Superman flew down, ######ed her, and flew back out again.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman said. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man. "But my ass sure hurts!"

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.

The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. "I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.'' The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.” Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them. She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who go to bed with itchy ###### wake up with smelly finger.

Man who go to bed with sex in mind wake up with solution in hand.

Woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone.

Baby conceived in automatic car: shiftless bastard.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Find old man's penis in dark, not hard!

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.

Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

He who cross ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.

Man who tell one too many light bulb joke soon burn out!

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew!

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Those who quote me are fools.

Man who drive like hel_l bound to get there!

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who run behind car get exhausted!

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion! War does not determine who's right, war determine who's left.

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.

He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what was up.

"You know, my foot bugs me sometimes. It's just an old basketball injury."

"Uh, aren't you kinda short for a basketball player?" "Oh - no - I never played basketball, I just lost a shitload of money on the NBA finals last year, and kicked in the TV."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, feminists cant change anything

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow

goes

into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his

wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a

number of

years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle

slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk

about

it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the

compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at

once

that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put

my

penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife

says,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast

table

together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as a

jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My

nipples are

as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice bright red crotchless pair. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.

When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said, "hel_l no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping.

He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, "It looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, "No, I've just eaten some ice-cream."

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a resteraunt. Cheney orders the heart-heathly salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"

The waitress was horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise the was."

And she marches off in a huff. Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I learned new words today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, ''Takeoffzebrababy!''